Life Goes On

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When I first started this blog I wanted it to be a chronicle of what it was like living as a person with dwarfism. I wanted to get my voice out there so that the general public would be educated and that if a parent with a newborn diagnosed with a dwarfing condition stumbled across this little place in cyberspace they would read about someone who was living a normal life, that this diagnosis is not a terrible thing and their beloved baby had every hope of having a great life.

But I've found I don't really talk about my dwarfism much. I just talk about daily life, my journey towards mental and physical wellness, the thoughts I think, the observations I make, my hopes and wishes and dreams.

It was then that I realised that this IS life with dwarfism. It's just life...and hopefully it's showing everyone who comes here that life for me, for us, is not different, or strange, or terrible, or magical. We don't live in little houses and sleep in little beds (believe me, I had a person in my life who actually thought that!). We're not relegated to jobs that entail making people laugh by making fools of ourselves (although I know of people with dwarfism who make a living of doing just that....but then again, I know average statured people who do the same thing too!). My life is actually pretty ordinary every day, but I choose to see the magical in the ordinary - the precious moments that make life worth living for everyone that transcends whatever human condition we may have been blessed with.

So, I'm handing this over to you, the reader. What do YOU want to know about? Are there questions you have for me? And my personal philosophy is that there is NO SUCH THING AS A SILLY QUESTION, so ask away!

Your place, my place, our place

We've spent the past week up in Port Macquarie, NSW attending the wedding of a daughter of a friend. Yes, we're now attending the weddings of children of our friends. This makes me very aware of the unstoppable passage of time.

Port Macquarie holds the story of our beginnings. It's where we fell in love during what seemed to be an endless summer. All the time I was there I heard the whispers of our secrets on the wind. I saw our footprints in my footprints on the sand. I remembered the echoes of our laughter, the joy of our reunions, feeling like we were invincible, alive, infinite.

We became a family up there. Our children know it as their other home. They too have stories and shared memories. We have friends up there close enough to be family; who love us, laugh with us, mourn for us.

It belongs to him, but because of that my heart beats there too. It holds the secrets of his beginnings and because of that my footsteps there are made with respect. It brought him to me and I will always be grateful for that.

His place became our place and so it holds a special place in my heart.

From my morning run.

Waves on Lighthouse Beach.

Camel rides anyone?

Tim at Town Beach

Georgia and I on our way home.

The gang at Olivia & Nathan's wedding. From left: Chloe, Georgia, Tim, Sarah.

Crazy hippy Lady Leisa

When you become more interested in your health and nutrition it's interesting, or should I say frustrating, the amount of conflicting or different advice you find. Eat/drink soy/soy is bad, olive oil is great/olive oil is only great when it's cold, heating makes it carcinogenic, honey is good/honey is bad, juicing is great/blending is greater. It's enough to make your head spin! I'm reading a lot but I think I need to start wheat and chaffing the information - find what I know works for me and agrees with my philosophies and go from there. So far, I feel healthy and energised. I'd be interested to know what my iron levels are doing but I feel okay. Lots of leafy greens, nuts and lentils are helping I think.
Im keen to start my own veggie patch but really get serious about it rather than my usual "stick stuff in the ground and see what happens" method. I'm interested in doing a Gardening/Permaculture course over at CERES called "Gardening for all Abilities". As it suggests it also caters for people with disabilities, so I think my stature may be catered for. I'm going to give them a call and find out more about it. I'd love to be able to grow our own food and know that we're eating good, nutritious, organic produce. Chances are, Seamus will also eat everything before we get a chance to! (Yes, we have spoiled, undisciplined dogs.)

Work is shitting me. Nothing major. its just a job i do that pays me money and gets the bills paid. Put it this way, there's nothing exciting about making sure the stationery cupboard is stocked, that there are supplies in the kitchen, doing the mail, booking interpreters, coordinating room bookings for meetings and answering the phone. I'd love to be doing something outdoors; something that requires moving and using some oomph and helps people. Disability rights is really wearing thin. When Stella worked for AAV she told me that she "got sick of it being all about disability", which is kind of funny because she's now one of the biggest voices in Melbourne when it comes to disability rights. Go figure.

I guess I'm an old soul at heart, wishing for days where families looked after themselves, tilling the earth, making things with their hands, living in community. I know such things soothe my soul and bring about a sense of contentedness for me. Nothing pleases me more than making things for my family and others, nurturing them and myself with simple things. I get tired of the "have to" life.

Sometimes I have this crazy desire just to opt out and see what happens. What happens if we just take off in the car with a tent and just drive till we're tired? What happens if I just plant a garden with seasonal veggies and fruit and care for it well? What happens if we just become content with what we have and not buy new stuff, but rather look to op shops and co-ops for our needs? What happens if we turn off the TV and the Internet and return to books and games and writing and storytelling and knitting and sewing and handcrafting? What happens if I stop colouring and cutting my hair? (actually, I'm experimenting with that one now!) I'm tired of the so called "have to's". Life wasn't meant to be filled with have to's was it?

I can see it now. Crazy hippy lady Leisa squatting in some shack up in Nimbin with her undisciplined dogs and free ranging chooks with half a dozen naked grandchildren running about the place.

Wordless Wednesday

My youngest, Georgia,aged 16 years, 11 months

The Happiness Project

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kikkiK emailed me a $10 voucher for my birthday earlier this month. I love kikkiK, although I don't shop there often. I do love to browse through and look at all the beautiful stationery. I looked at the email on Monday and realised that I only had until the end of this month to redeem the voucher, so I printed it out and went down to my local store as I walked home from work.

It didn't take me long to spot this gorgeous little book sitting on the shelf. I didn't even have to read the blurb, I just had to have it! The title alone spoke to me. I quickly picked it up, redeemed my voucher, paid the balance of $14.95 and it was mine. I can't wait to read it. I'm reading Game of Thrones at the moment  but as soon as that's finished this little book and I have a date!

The Happiness Project chronicles Gretchen Rubin's year long test driving of theories and studies about how people can be happier. I realised when I saw the book that I have been participating in my own Happiness Project for the past year. It's all been unconscious, but I have done a lot of reflecting of late as to why I am happy and how I came to this place of contentedness. 

Here's what I have discovered:

* Smiling!  How simple is that? It's simple but it's powerful. Smiling is relaxing. It takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown. Did you know that? Come on! Everyone knows that! I find that if I smile my mood really does lift. And guess what? I see more people smiling back at me when I'm smiling for no reason except that it feels good. It's contagious! Like the saying goes, if you see someone without a smile give them one of yours! Seriously though, never underestimate the power of smiling. 

* Stop the negative self-talk. Honestly, if I talked to my friends the way I used to talk to myself NO ONE would want to be my friend....and I wouldn't blame them. Everyone wants to be encouraged, so why not start by encouraging yourself? If you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up for it! Just take a deep breath and be thankful that you've learned a new way how NOT to do something. Tell yourself to keep going. Appreciate yourself for putting in time and effort on something. Look at a project you've completed and instead of looking at all the little flaws you know are there look at the finished project and be proud of it. Tell yourself it's beautiful. Tell yourself you LOOK beautiful.

* Physical exercise. Oh my goodness! No one told me that there were so many feel-good endorphins that kicked in when you participate in regular physical exercise. I love this natural high! My addiction is running. I simply love it, but when I started I could barely run 100 metres without feeling I was going to die. I could have given up then and there, thinking I was a hopeless cause, but I persisted because I'd always admired runners and wanted to be one. It paid off. The longest distance I have run is 7 kilometres and I recently participated in my first Fun Run by entering Run for the Kids 5.5km course. Running has improved my mental health exponentially. I feel fit, strong and healthy - physically, mentally and emotionally.  So, find what works for you and go for it! You won't regret it!

* Sunshine and fresh air. Hand in hand with physical exercise comes sunshine and fresh air. I'm not a gym junkie. I don't particularly like exercising indoors. Nothing beats getting out there in the early morning sun and the crisp, fresh air and going for a run - or at least walking briskly. During my lunch break I also like to head out for a walk. I find it clears my head and my mood, giving me the extra oomph to get through the rest of the work day. I also love to spend time on the beach watching the sunset with the kids, walking through the bush and sometimes simply sitting in my backyard being still and appreciating the sun on my face and breeze on my skin. So, get out there and breathe and get some Vitamin D!

* Look after yourself. I was one of those wives and mothers who made sure that everyone else was taken care of and I got what was left over. I guess to some extent I still do this, but I also know how to say "no" more often. If I'm too tired or emotionally drained to do something for someone else I have no qualms in saying so. Sometimes I've even pampered myself - had a massage, taken myself off to read a book and drink a coffee in my favorite coffee shop. I've treated myself to a cute top I've admired, simply because I want to dress nicely. Get more sleep! See a friend! Go to the movies by yourself! 

* Learning to love yourself. There's a vast difference between being "up yourself" and loving yourself. Being "up yourself' is selfish, conceited, borne from the fear that you're actually not good enough so you try and be better than everyone. Loving yourself is gentle. Loving yourself is accepting yourself just as you are. Loving yourself means that you take care of yourself, that you realise you're a beautiful, priceless human being. Loving yourself means taking an honest look at yourself, facing up to the traits you know aren't particularly attractive (like gossip, being judgmental) and challenging yourself to change for the better. Let go of old hurts and bitterness that have been weighing you down and cause ugliness to take root. One of the most WONDERFUL things I've learned about loving myself is that I've found I have SO MUCH MORE love to give out! There's no room for rubbish anymore because there's so much love! How can you love others effectively if you don't know how to love yourself, when you're constantly down on yourself and judging yourself according to how you see others?  

* Find what you love doing and do it passionately. For me, it's running and taking care of my home and family. I also love sewing, knitting and reading. Things like running, sewing and knitting involve repetitive movement. I've found  that repetitive movement soothes me and promotes a sense of calm. I recently finished a Fringed Quilt for my daughter Sarah's birthday. It was so therapeutic sewing this quilt and the best part of all was that she LOVES it because it features fabrics from her childhood. This makes me SO happy.

There are probably hundreds of other items on my Happiness Project List, but these are the big ones. 

I can't wait to read The Happiness Project and get some more ideas!

Drifting

I'm feeling like I'm stuck in a holding pattern at the moment. March, April and May are our busiest months of the year due to birthdays and Easter all happening around the same time. Of course this year is also busier as we have a wedding in the middle of April which involves a 1,300km road trip and the planning that goes along with it. Whilst I refuse to use the words crazy, hectic and chaotic to describe this time, I acknowledge that I'm busier than normal. I am busy and am finding it increasingly difficult to practice mindfulness at this time. Instead, I find I am constantly thinking ahead and planning ; eagerly looking forward to quieter times rather than embracing life as it is right now and appreciating that I still have the physical energy to keep up.

I find the mental energy the most exhausting, although I'm glad that I'm experiencing clarity and calm despite everything. Dealing with the stresses of others has been the most exhausting but I have learned to respond rather than react and maintain a calm demeanour which seems to be helpful - especially personally as I find I no longer take things to heart and recover quickly from disappointment. I've accepted things as they are, rather than constantly lose energy over fruitlessly wishing things were different. This in itself has been revolutionary to my own healing.

However, right now I look forward to quieter times and being able to find the space where I can just stop and breathe and listen to the calm direction of my heart. I plan to just sit on the beach and listen to the world around me and feel part of the gentle, unending rhythm of life. I'm looking forward to renewing my energy by taking time out just for me.

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Mama done gone

Gone are the days Mama would tuck their clean, warm, pyjama clad little bodies into their beds.

Gone are the days Mama would read them a quiet story, her gentle rhythm soothing them into sleep.

Gone are the days she would kiss their sleepy little heads and murmur loving words to protect them as they journeyed through the dream country.

Gone are the days where she was knower of all things, the keeper of secrets, the one who could calm a storm, soothe a fear and kiss away worries.

Now it is she who journeys to the dream country before them, whilst they explore the hours of the dark. Although they still take comfort in the knowledge of the presence of her loving embrace, they no longer need it constantly. Mama is no longer the knower of all things. There are others who hold wisdom and knowledge. They seek it for themselves, although they still return to her at times, wanting to share with her their explorations and thoughts and sometimes their dreams.

At times she is wistful, longing for those warm, chubby little bodies in all their roundness and innocence. She looks around and sometimes searches for the little faces filled with hope and laughter, trust and fearlessness. She remembers being Mama and her heart aches that she didn't hold them just that little bit longer, didn't read just one more story and let that song just die on her lips before it had even been sung. She longs for the days of toys over the floor, little naked bodies running with glee, fingerprints and footprints, sand and dirt, leaves and bugs.

They are still hers. Deep in her heart they are still the cheeky, chubby imps they once were, but she sees them grown - adults in their own right, confident and assured of who they are. They're still only starting out on their own, but she has every confidence that they'll be okay. She wonders if Mama still needs to be. One of them still calls her Mama and its like a balm to her soul, an anchor that assures her she's still safely harboured where she always wanted to be.

But Mama's done gone. And it's the way it should be. She watches her little birds soaring in the sky, knowing that they'll fly back from time to time. It's now time for her to explore other skies and dream other dreams.