Confronted

Image credit

I watched The Station Agent for the first time last night.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with that particular film, please pop over to IMDB and search it. The Station Agent was the first film "my lot" became aware of the brilliance that is Peter Dinklage. Everyone raved about what a wonderful film it was and how fantastic it was to see a short statured actor play just a regular person with regular issues rather than be in costume as a fantasy creature, comic relief or in a token role. We were all encouraged to see it.

But for some reason I simply couldn't at the time. I just couldn't. I'd heard that there was a scene where he's drunk and gets up on a bar and shouts, "Go on! Take a good look!" and the idea of that scene was just too confronting for me at the time so I chose not to see the film.

I've thought about it a lot over the years and I've come to the conclusion that I find it confronting seeing aspects of my own life played out in front of me - either on the screen or in the pages of a book. In daily life I'm kind of in control of what I see happening around me. I know it all happens - the stares, the comments, the poking of the mate in the ribs and having a laugh, the random pictures and videos taken on a smart phone - but I can somehow block it out to some extent and exist in my own bubble of ignorance.

But to see it up close and personal, highlighted on the screen, or written about in the pages of a book is too much and it hurts...and I'm confronting how I really feel about it...and how I really feel about myself and my own physicality. I watched Peter Dinklage walk and I asked the kids, "Do I walk like that?" They were not able to tell me. "What? He's just walking Mum and so do you." They didn't get it. I suppose this is because they've always been accustomed to having dwarfism around them whereas me, coming from an average statured family, this is all sometimes a "new" experience for me and seeing another image of myself in real human form is still a curiosity for me. Strange, but true.

Last night I watched the film. Finally. I'm glad I did. I think it was the right time. I think I was ready. It was brilliant. None of it was over the top. The daily incidents that happened to Fin McBride was accurate and true to life. I saw echoes of my own life as I watched his two new friends display genuine attempts at friendship and Fin's initial reluctance to let them in and open his heart. The reactions of the children, the townspeople - all true to life. I watched it and was unafraid - touched by seeing reality portrayed in such an accurate and dignified manner.

And I was so proud of Peter's persistence in holding on to his ideals; that he wasn't going to belittle himself by taking on roles that didn't require any skills other than the fact that he's 4ft 2in. He has held on to his dream of being a respected actor, brilliant in his craft. And he is and has earned the accolades to prove it.

I think I will always continue to be confronted by mirror images of myself on the page and on screen, but I am learning to look within and work out why. There are still films I haven't seen and books I haven't read simply because I'm not ready yet. Maybe one day I will be.

Lately on Mondays

I'm toying with having days with a regular theme on this little place in cyberspace. I'll try this today and see how we go. It's mainly just to give you all a quick rundown on what's been happening down here on another level.

Making:

I've been into amigurmi crochet lately. I haven't completed anything yet, which is the way I roll with most craft projects! At the moment I have almost finished a small amigurumi monkey but there seems to be errors in the pattern and I am too much of a novice crocheter to know how to fix them!

I think I made the head inside-out.....and the arm is too short and  fat, despite following the pattern closely!

I've also finished a blanket knitted with yarn I had left over from other projects....plus a couple of balls I *may* have bought to add to it.

Cooking:

Ummm....nothing! I can't remember the last time I actually cooked or baked anything. I'm in the middle of a ten day stint of working and most foodstuffs are those of the convenient kind - fruit, crackers, coffee, tea, toast. I miss cooking to tell you the truth!

Drinking:

Coffee. Skinny lattes, no sugar.

Reading:

I love reading, I really do but with being on anti-depressants I seem to have lost the concentration to be able to sit and get involved in a good story. I have several books on the go at the moment, none of which I am even close to finishing. 

Wanting:

I just want to stop; to have some time to sit and be still and think and breathe and centre myself again. That, above all things would be my dream right now. 

Looking:

At a lot of different gardens and wondering what would suit my humble abode.

Playing:

A lot of Candy Crush and Pet Rescue. Kind of addicted to these two games!

Wasting:

See above.

I'm also wasting a lot of time overthinking something I really don't need to be thinking about at all anymore. Does anyone else do that? Waste their precious energy on something they don't need to?

Sewing:

Sock monkeys!

This was taken before I added tiny button nostrils.

I've always wanted to make one of these and now I have so mission complete! They're cheap, quick and easy.

Wishing:

......that I could just buy a van, convert it and take off into the wide, open yonder to explore this wonderful country of ours.....

Enjoying:

My relationship with my children.

Waiting:

For Saturday when we will be taking off to Tasmania!

Liking:

Myself. I've discovered how important that is......

Wondering:

....if now is the time.....

Loving:

....being creative.....

Hoping:

.....for new beginnings, new horizons.......

Marvelling:

.......at the miracle of new life. My sister and her husband are expecting their first baby at the end of January. I never lose that sense of how marvellous pregnancy, birth and babies are. A new life beginning is always a source of wonder and something to be in awe of.

Needing:

Closure and peace.

Smelling:

....someones heated up lunch.

Wearing:

A denim dress, fawn coloured cardigan and black slip ons.

Following:

....the beat of my own drum....

The road is home

Edenland

Tune in to Radio Carly

Sparkling Adventures

Noticing:

.....new life bursting in the garden.

Knowing:

.....that I am ok, just as I am.

Thinking:

....about what to pack for Tasmania!

Feeling:

......the post-production blues.

Joining the Flock

Over the past two weeks I have had the wonderful experience of being involved with Weave Movement Theatre's latest production - Flock. My colleague and friend, Simone, asked if I'd like a go at being Assistant Stage Manager and Front of House Coordinator during their season in the Melbourne Fringe Festival. Eager to expand my horizons I happily said "YES!" Assistant Stage Manager and FOH Coordinator (along with Volunteer Coordinator) was going to look good on a resume which made another reason for saying yes.

Little did I know how much this gig was going to mean to me.

Isn't that the way life goes sometimes? You agree to something because you want to help out;  to contribute to something bigger than yourself and to learn a new skill so that one day you might pick up more work in that particular field and you end up being a part of something that touches you in such a profound way that you know your life will never be the same. 

I didn't know what to expect. I'd never done stage management before so I didn't know exactly what was expected of me but I soon learned that stage management is everything I love doing - fetching, carrying, helping, setting up, prompting cast members, making sure things are in the right place at the right time and generally being a go-for and go-getter.

The biggest bonus though was being introduced to the loveliest bunch of people you could ever hope to meet. They are enthusiastic, they are creative, they think outside the box. They communicate beauty in ways I have never seen before. I am captured and mesmerised by each performance.

I love being further educated about disability just by being there.

I love having my misconceptions confronted, my ideas challenged. 

My favorite scene of the production is one of the last. It's a movement piece - the most beautiful and moving piece I have witnessed in a long time. So expressive and gentle, yet powerful. The two women move me to tears each time I see it. It confronts every notion I had about dance and motion, beauty and expression. 

The more I am involved with Weave the more I want to be involved, the more I want to explore my creative side. If I continue to be involved behind the scenes then I will be happy, but I would be thrilled to be able to explore my creative side and join the ensemble of performers. I have always loved to dance and move but have long despaired that my physicality is not one that people want to see on stage other than in roles that are more suited for comedy  as a token imp or elf or fantasy creature. Weave opens up an opportunity to explore movement that involves beauty, sensuality and actually celebrating that one has a body.

This weekend Flock is showing at the Brunswick Mechanics Institute.

Details about the show and how to purchase tickets can be found HERE. 

I hope to see you there!

Lately

It has been a while since I last blogged. The thought of this has been a constant whisper in my head, beckoning me back. I've formed countless posts in my head - as I've been running, baking, gardening and knitting - yet they remain unwritten and I'm unsure of why. I read of so much beauty online and there are so many other lives that seem so much more exciting than mine...so I stay quiet and my story remains untold.

I've been unwell over the past week. Very. I'm sure this is the result of some stressful situations that have manifested over the past month that have called on me to step up to the plate and take the lead, however there's only so much that this little body can bear before it cries, "Enough!" and forces me to stop and rest. I should remember to do this when I am well. Resting is so much more fun when you're well!

I guess I spent the better part of three days in bed. Which meant that I had plenty of time to do a lot of this:

I had a lot of leftover wool from other projects and thought I'd put it all together into this multicoloured creation. I call it "The Fringe Blanket" because I also watched an entire two seasons of Fringe as I knitted. Addicted much?

Today I've felt a lot better and it's been tempting to go crazy in the house and clean it within an inch of its life but I knew that if I did I'd end up back in bed again so I took it easy - just a little laundry, tidying up the lounge room and planting out my beans.

(Photo bombed by Maya and Seamus. I've planted tomatoes, lettuce, capsicum and beans.)

So yes, that's been my life lately. There's more to say but I'll leave that for another time. I just thought if get online and let you all know I'm alive!