Stop all the clocks, you broke the internet Stell.

November 2014. She and me.

Dear Stell,

I first met you ten years ago. Ten years. Really, was it only ten years? It feels as though I've known you all my life....but I know that's impossible. I am after all, fifteen years older than you....and yet you always seemed so much wiser.

You came along to an SSPA convention to run a theatre/performance workshop at the request of our mutual friend Carly. You and I hit it off immediately, but you know what Stell? That was you. You hit it off with everyone you came in contact with. You genuinely liked and were interested in people and in your presence, each of us had your full attention. Your eyes would light up, you'd smile and laugh and you'd make us feel that we actually meant something to you - and we did! And those hugs! Oh my gosh! When I first met you I was so scared I was going to break you, so ignorant was I! I soon learned that you too, were capable of great, smooshing hugs that felt warm and heartfelt and so I hugged you without reserve.

You turned to me during a rough patch after your beautiful heart had been crushed and wounded. We would talk for hours when you felt life just couldn't go on and you didn't know where to turn and what to do.

"Breathe Stell...." I gently told you. "Just breathe....."

And that's what you did. And your heart healed and you got stronger. Hell....you didn't just get stronger, you became powerful and feisty and I loved you even more!

Later, when my heart felt crushed and damaged beyond repair and I didn't know what to do or where to go or how to live you held me and said to me,

"I'm going to give you the same advice a dear friend once told me. Breathe, Leis........just breathe..."

And so I breathed....and my world went on. I became stronger.

You were the first one to be by my side when I called you desperately from Intensive Care at the Children's Hospital that cold, windy day. You were the first one there to hold my hand after watching my child come back from the brink following an unexpected complication from surgery. You dropped everything and just came, letting us know we weren't alone. You opened your home as a refuge from that nightmare and you held my hand through the night, stroking it, giving comfort.

I'll never forget that. Ever.

I loved it that you and I had opposing views on some things. You, a staunch atheist, me a woman of faith. Not that we ever butted heads about it, but we respected and loved each other enough to simply leave it alone respectfully. We both loved each other too much for it ever to come between us by having endless, pointless arguments about it.

You know Stell...when I got the opportunity to be there on the red carpet at the premier of X-men: Days of Future Past with the possibility of interviewing Peter Dinklage (The Dink - as you so affectionately dubbed him) I felt so hopelessly inadequate. I kept thinking, "It should be Stella doing this! She's got a much higher profile than me; she's more popular and most of all, SHE'D KNOW WHAT TO DO! I'm just a NOBODY!"

But Stell, you showed me that I'm not a nobody and that I'm just as capable as you at getting the word out there, challenging, questioning, provoking and connecting. I love you for that.

After some time of radio silence between us we both managed to catch up twice within the last month at some celebrations. You, in your incredibly generous way encouraged me by being so excited at the changes you saw. Instead of being this non-self-accepting, ableist person you once knew (and loved just the same) you saw a woman who talked to you about the pride she felt at identifying with a rich culture where diversity, difference and disability are not only accepted but celebrated vicariously! Your eyes lit up, you grinned and you high-fived me in celebration of how far I'd travelled in the last ten years. On Saturday 29th November we caught up and danced like wild things together, both of us throwing ourselves around with reckless abandon - not as a political statement, but because we loved to dance. We sang loudly and badly and affirmed to each other just how much we meant to each other.

Before we parted that night you told me that you were hoping to come to The Other Film Festival and attend the On The Road With Snow White forum that I was facilitating on Saturday 6th December.

That Saturday, as I led the discussion I looked out into the audience to find you. You weren't there. Little did I know that you had already cast off. The news had not yet reached us....

On Sunday, the girls and I were talking about how good it was to see you. On and off I'd blurt out a random, "Crips Ahoy!" as I'd heard you exclaim when you'd spy a group of wheelie crips out and about.

The news still had not yet reached us.....

The news reached me on Monday morning...and my life turned inside out, upside down and 'round the wrong way. I cannot fathom it Stell. I really can't. I've taken a huge deep breath in and I can't exhale. It keeps hitting me over and over again....and yet I feel like it hasn't hit me at all. It will. I know it will....and then there'll be this primal wail of this terrible, horrible grief that is gnawing away at my insides.

And yet I hear you, somewhere in the In-between......

"Breathe, Leis'........just breathe........"

My Sarah said yesterday that you broke the internet. Tributes are flowing from all over the globe Stell! All over the GLOBE! Do you know that? I hope you do. I hope you know what a huge, crip-shaped hole you've left. I could write here about all your achievements and what an impact you made in so many different facets of the community.....

.....but I'm not going to.....

I'm going to be selfish.....

This tribute I am writing is what you meant to me. I am writing about the Stella that I knew. That wonderful, gregarious, cheeky, generous, inherently flawed, feisty, vulnerable, beautiful soul that was simply too big for the body she inhabited. You facilitated change in ME Stell. A little bit of you lives in me.....

And the wonder about all that is that you gave everything of yourself to everyone else you touched too......so that all of us left behind can connect with the little bit of Stella that is in each other.

You're not gone Stell. To get through, I'm thinking that you've just gone off to do your work elsewhere and left us to carry on what you were passionate about. I for one, will keep the flame burning.

I'll just keep breathing ok Stell? It's all I can do.

I love you. Always and ever.

The Happiness Project

Image credit

kikkiK emailed me a $10 voucher for my birthday earlier this month. I love kikkiK, although I don't shop there often. I do love to browse through and look at all the beautiful stationery. I looked at the email on Monday and realised that I only had until the end of this month to redeem the voucher, so I printed it out and went down to my local store as I walked home from work.

It didn't take me long to spot this gorgeous little book sitting on the shelf. I didn't even have to read the blurb, I just had to have it! The title alone spoke to me. I quickly picked it up, redeemed my voucher, paid the balance of $14.95 and it was mine. I can't wait to read it. I'm reading Game of Thrones at the moment  but as soon as that's finished this little book and I have a date!

The Happiness Project chronicles Gretchen Rubin's year long test driving of theories and studies about how people can be happier. I realised when I saw the book that I have been participating in my own Happiness Project for the past year. It's all been unconscious, but I have done a lot of reflecting of late as to why I am happy and how I came to this place of contentedness. 

Here's what I have discovered:

* Smiling!  How simple is that? It's simple but it's powerful. Smiling is relaxing. It takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown. Did you know that? Come on! Everyone knows that! I find that if I smile my mood really does lift. And guess what? I see more people smiling back at me when I'm smiling for no reason except that it feels good. It's contagious! Like the saying goes, if you see someone without a smile give them one of yours! Seriously though, never underestimate the power of smiling. 

* Stop the negative self-talk. Honestly, if I talked to my friends the way I used to talk to myself NO ONE would want to be my friend....and I wouldn't blame them. Everyone wants to be encouraged, so why not start by encouraging yourself? If you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up for it! Just take a deep breath and be thankful that you've learned a new way how NOT to do something. Tell yourself to keep going. Appreciate yourself for putting in time and effort on something. Look at a project you've completed and instead of looking at all the little flaws you know are there look at the finished project and be proud of it. Tell yourself it's beautiful. Tell yourself you LOOK beautiful.

* Physical exercise. Oh my goodness! No one told me that there were so many feel-good endorphins that kicked in when you participate in regular physical exercise. I love this natural high! My addiction is running. I simply love it, but when I started I could barely run 100 metres without feeling I was going to die. I could have given up then and there, thinking I was a hopeless cause, but I persisted because I'd always admired runners and wanted to be one. It paid off. The longest distance I have run is 7 kilometres and I recently participated in my first Fun Run by entering Run for the Kids 5.5km course. Running has improved my mental health exponentially. I feel fit, strong and healthy - physically, mentally and emotionally.  So, find what works for you and go for it! You won't regret it!

* Sunshine and fresh air. Hand in hand with physical exercise comes sunshine and fresh air. I'm not a gym junkie. I don't particularly like exercising indoors. Nothing beats getting out there in the early morning sun and the crisp, fresh air and going for a run - or at least walking briskly. During my lunch break I also like to head out for a walk. I find it clears my head and my mood, giving me the extra oomph to get through the rest of the work day. I also love to spend time on the beach watching the sunset with the kids, walking through the bush and sometimes simply sitting in my backyard being still and appreciating the sun on my face and breeze on my skin. So, get out there and breathe and get some Vitamin D!

* Look after yourself. I was one of those wives and mothers who made sure that everyone else was taken care of and I got what was left over. I guess to some extent I still do this, but I also know how to say "no" more often. If I'm too tired or emotionally drained to do something for someone else I have no qualms in saying so. Sometimes I've even pampered myself - had a massage, taken myself off to read a book and drink a coffee in my favorite coffee shop. I've treated myself to a cute top I've admired, simply because I want to dress nicely. Get more sleep! See a friend! Go to the movies by yourself! 

* Learning to love yourself. There's a vast difference between being "up yourself" and loving yourself. Being "up yourself' is selfish, conceited, borne from the fear that you're actually not good enough so you try and be better than everyone. Loving yourself is gentle. Loving yourself is accepting yourself just as you are. Loving yourself means that you take care of yourself, that you realise you're a beautiful, priceless human being. Loving yourself means taking an honest look at yourself, facing up to the traits you know aren't particularly attractive (like gossip, being judgmental) and challenging yourself to change for the better. Let go of old hurts and bitterness that have been weighing you down and cause ugliness to take root. One of the most WONDERFUL things I've learned about loving myself is that I've found I have SO MUCH MORE love to give out! There's no room for rubbish anymore because there's so much love! How can you love others effectively if you don't know how to love yourself, when you're constantly down on yourself and judging yourself according to how you see others?  

* Find what you love doing and do it passionately. For me, it's running and taking care of my home and family. I also love sewing, knitting and reading. Things like running, sewing and knitting involve repetitive movement. I've found  that repetitive movement soothes me and promotes a sense of calm. I recently finished a Fringed Quilt for my daughter Sarah's birthday. It was so therapeutic sewing this quilt and the best part of all was that she LOVES it because it features fabrics from her childhood. This makes me SO happy.

There are probably hundreds of other items on my Happiness Project List, but these are the big ones. 

I can't wait to read The Happiness Project and get some more ideas!

Regardless

It's simple really. The day I accepted the simplicity of this reality was the day my heart found peace.

I stopped striving and struggling and denying the reality of that truth. I stopped trying to make it not so and rested in the knowledge that it was. Plain and simple.

Despite everything.

In spite of myself.

It's the best part of myself. The part I treasure most of all. The flame that burns and keeps me going. The gentle glow that warms me and assures me that I'm ok, even if circumstances remain the same. Even if this glow is not reciprocated.

The plain and simple truth is that I love you.

Just as you are.