The Grid

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They secretly wonder when things will get back to normal for us - when we will be ourselves, when the tragedy of (date) will cease to be the grid that we pass everything across. And I have to tell you the old Rick and Kay are gone. They're never coming back. We will never be the same again. There is a new "normal". (Date) has permanently marked us. It will remain the grid we pass everything across for an indeterminate amount of time...maybe forever.

Kay Warren

I read this article this morning by Kay Warren who in April, along with her husband Rick, will pass over the grid in time that marks the anniversary of their sons suicide.

When Kay wrote about the grid that marks that day I couldn't help but stop and acknowledge the existence of that grid. Do we each have a date and time that is indelibly etched on our lives? That specific point in time and space where everything in our world stopped, including our own heart...and then, with a great shudder, it all started up again. 

The thing is though, that when your heart started beating again after that eternal moment it was beating in a different chest, in a different body that had different thoughts, new emotions and a whole new reality. From that moment on you became an entirely different person living in a totally different world experiencing a strange, new reality. 

And there was no way you could ever return to being the person you once were. That person existed on the other side of that specific date and specific moment. They are no more.

But you look around and the world still looks the same. You peer into the mirror and the face that peers back certainly looks the same as the one you remember but you wonder how can that be? You wonder how it is that your face hasn't changed too because you certainly don't feel as though you should look the same. Something inside you has changed irrevocably, surely your appearance would too?

And for the rest of your life, every year you come around to that grid marker. You pause and remember the person you once were. Maybe you've changed for the better. Maybe you are wiser, more cautious, sure of yourself. But maybe you still feel that void and that hurt and confusion; and you miss your old self as one would miss a departed lover. 

Sometimes I miss the old me. Sure, I like the new me. She is stronger, fitter, more assured of her beliefs and convictions, less likely to be bullied or pushed around and tends not to seek the approval of most others. 

But I miss the old me who ceased to exist after a specific date and a very specific time on the clock - such was the trauma of it. She had an innocence about her, a naïveté you might say. She was more willing to take things at face value, less hard and stubborn. There are times I wish I could just go back and hug her, change her plans for that day, assure her she'd be ok. I miss her so much my heart aches sometimes.

Only those really close to me and know me from the beginning know how much I've changed - that this is Leisa 2.0. Most people in my life only know this me; and I'm ok with that. Leisa 2.0 is pretty cool. I like her. She's learned a lot, and experiences peace, joy and fulfilment that the first Leisa only ever dreamed possible.

I cannot deny however, as The Grid looms in the distance each year, that I reflect on how much my life has changed since that day...and how impossible it is to go back, no matter how much I might want to at times.

Twenty: A Cheat Sheet

Today's blog post is inspired by the lovely Zoey - fellow blogger and runner. 

Masks by me during Art & Soul - Theme: Emotions.
The mask depicts that which is portrayed to the outside world...and what is going on underneath.
Inspired by Picasso's Weeping Woman.

1. Just when you think you've got it all sorted out and you're out of those woods and pretty much home and hosed, that's the exact moment the next curveball comes in from left of field. Don't get too cocky thinking you're a star player. Think of yourself as a rookie who still has a lot to learn.

2. If I make a big deal of something that means it's important to me. If it's important to me then perhaps you need to stop and find out why, rather than dismiss it.

3. Imitation is the greatest form of flattery I think...and flattery is not necessarily a bad thing. I'm realising that if I am truly inspired by a person I tend to emulate them to a point. I used to think it was a character weakness in me. Now I just see it as exploring and learning. Things normally balance out in the end.

4. Contrary wise, if there's something about a person that really goes against your grain, perhaps you are recognising a similar characteristic in yourself that need addressing. I think about this all the time when the temptation to criticise arises.

5. Like Zoey I too have a love/hate relationship with Daylight Savings. Honestly, I'm thinking of moving to Queensland simply to get away from it!

6. Sometimes the times I am dreading become the times where I receive the most healing. I was dreading last night's theme and art project. (see pictures above) I did the inside first and at great speed - almost in the same fashion as Olive Penderghast changing her wardrobe in Easy A ...

...which was good because it got some of that shit out and it lessened somewhat; so much so that when I did some boxing this morning it was intense physically, not emotionally.

7. I'm aware that you know that when I'm quiet something is wrong. Don't ask. If I'm quiet, I really don't want to talk about it. I know who I can come to when it gets too much.

8. I have a serious relationship with Doritos; so much so that my son bought me a whole large packet for me as a birthday gift.

9. It takes me a while to accept that in reality, I am running twice as far as people twice my height. Therefore the 8km I run is the equivalent of 16km for you. I'm running the 15km Run for The Kids, so energy wise I'm actually running 30km. 

10. So what's your excuse?

11. Passive/Aggressive responses leave me feeling as though I have nowhere to move. I think a Passive/Aggressive response is the cowards way out...because the giver of a passive/aggressive response can choose between Victor and Victim depending on how I respond. That's not nice. 

12. It takes me a looooong time to work through things. Like, a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong time. I'm still working through a lifetime's worth of growing up Pentecostal. So yes, if something happened in 1984 that affected me, I'm still processing.

13. I can't believe I wasted so much money on therapy when a long run does exactly the same thing and it's free. 

14. I find that people who make frequent references to me being short are the ones who are having the most difficulty with it. Constant joking references are really not a way of communicating to me that you're cool with it. Want to show me you're cool with it? Just get on with it! Do you make constant references to your best friend being bald or red haired or over-weight or gay? NO! Then why my height?

15. Blogging has highlighted to me the fact that one day I may have to eat my own words. 

16. I've also realised through blogging that everything I experience as a person with a physical difference is just part of the human condition...every comment readers make helps me see that I am not alone in my feelings. 

17. Sometimes I am so close to believing in nothing that it scares me.

18. Movies about Super Heroes, Heroes and disasters are my go-to when life is just generally crap. 

19. Having said that though....I am really partial towards bad guys. Loki in particular. 

20. I can't stand it when people talk about "The Terrible Twos/Threes" and "The Teenage Years" like they're something to be absolutely dreaded. I hated it when people would look at my children and say, "Just you wait till they're teenagers." I never dreaded any part of their growing up. Never. I loved every part of it. The twos/threes and the teen years were times where they all entered into a phase of knowing themselves, exploring independence, having autonomous thought. As a parent I found it all fascinating and delightful and I totally enjoyed getting to know these beautiful souls as people in their own right. 

So, there's my 20.

Do you have 20 to share?

When life serves you what you need.

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My own recent reactions to some negative experiences of late have clearly indicated to me that I am I no way out of the woods I've been inhabiting and not ready to take some riskier steps.

I am so incredibly grateful to Life for  throwing this back at me as it has served to protect me from making a very bad decision.  Life has a tendency towards keeping on this wonderful path of wellness and wholeness and sanity. Sure, I may be stumbling over some rocks at the present moment causing me to slow down, take extra care of where I am treading and making me reevaluate the path, but the point is that I am still ON the path…and that is always a good thing.

This whole stumble has made me realise that I had inadvertently and unknowingly handed over the reins of my life to others once again. I thought I was still steering but my reactions to this latest pothole clearly indicated to me that I wasn’t.

So, I’m taking back the reins again, setting the compass, sailing off into unchartered waters; this time without fear of the unknown.

Because this time I trust the captain, for she is me and she has had plenty of experience setting forth into unknown waters.

You

One of the kindest and most caring things someone said to me after the death of my grandmother was, "Never underestimate the loss of a grandparent." I kind of had it in my mind leading up to her passing that it was part of the normal cycle of life that grandparents die. I knew it was coming and up until the point of it happening I was quite philosophical and thought myself prepared.

However, when I did get the phonecall to tell me that she'd gone I found myself very unprepared. It wasn't supposed to happen yet! I was going to see her tomorrow! I'm not ready! 

Despite the fact that she and I hadn't seen each other as much as I would've liked over the last ten years of her life, her passing left a gaping hole in my heart. I tried to fill that hole with noise. My iPod was always on, earphones in, playing metal - the kind of music Nan would definitely not have listened to. If anything quiet or soulful came on my heart just ached...and I even felt scared. I didn't like silence. The silence made it really feel like she'd gone. I couldn't understand why it affected me so much, especially seeing she and I butted heads on more than one occasion.

So to have a caring someone say, "Never underestimate the loss of a grandparent," was a balm for my soul.

Today is what would have been my Nanna's birthday. Today marks five years since I last saw her. Again I am overwhelmed and somewhat confused about the emotions that surface each year on her birthday. I miss her. I miss who she was before the Alzheimer's took hold. I miss her fire, her somewhat blinkered view about life and faith and God. I miss her never-wavering assurance of the truth as she believed it to be. I miss her bossiness. I miss her being the first to the dessert table. I miss her voice, her hands, her smell. I miss the mole on her chin. I miss her stories.

I hope she's up there testifying on my behalf, getting heaven organised, laughing with her family.

I miss you Daffy-down-dilly.