New Waters

Here I am, negotiating new and unchartered waters. I think I have actually paddled in these waters before; dipping my feet in, testing them and then running back to the safety of the shoreline. I kept running back to the shore even though I knew that what was there wasn't something I really liked. Funny how you stick with a situation just because you know it so well. It may not be what you want, it may not be comfortable, but you stick with it because it's familiar; you know it. You know how it works, or doesn't work. You stick with the uncomfortable familiar because launching out into the unknown seems to be a scarier option.

So, here I am...in the Sea of Separated Marriage-hood and surviving quite well thank you very much. I think reality hit me with a lump of four by two on Sunday night and, after realising that this was it and things were never going to change, I had a cry, squared my shoulders and got on with it. I took hold of the tiller, set my sails and chartered a new course. When I accepted the role of captain of my own life I began to feel a peace I hadn't felt in a while. I'm no longer waiting around for something that's never going to happen. I'm making things happen for myself.

The amazing thing I've found out here in these new waters is that it's not as stormy as I thought it was going to be. The winds aren't blowing, the sky isn't falling and my boat is not about to sink. On the contrary, things seem to be quite smooth. I'm not angry anymore. I'm not filled with bitterness, in fact I wish my ex-husband (that's the first time I've called him that) well. I know he doesn't think many positive things about me anymore, but for some reason I am no longer hurt. I know who I am and I know my intentions. I'm not too sure of my destination as yet, maybe there won't even be one. Maybe I'll just keep sailing and learning and growing and it will become more about the journey, rather than setting my eyes on a particular destination. Who knows what's around the corner anyway?

For the first time in a very long while, I am peaceful and content. Life is simple and full of simple pleasures.

I'm not afraid anymore.

Running for my life

I went for a jog this morning. Yes, an actual jog. My sister Serrin jogs every morning after she takes the kids to school. This is part of her own therapy. She has found that jogging helps her calm herself and helps her put things in perspective. I thought I'd give it a go this morning, using the technique Ses told me about - body straighter, small, low steps. It worked a treat and I was able to jog further than I have before without a break. Eventually I hope to work up to being able to jog the perimeter of the reserve without stopping. Not that I stopped today, but I did slow to a brisk walk twice.

As a result I'm on a bit of an aerobic high at the moment. The endorphins are surging and I have a wonderful sense of well being. It's the same feeling that used to follow after a good session at the gym. Who needs drugs when you can enjoy a feeling like this?

I realized how comfortable I am in my own skin when I feel like this. It's only when I am given the message that this is not ok, that this is strange and a source of amusement that I feel as though I hate this and wish it were different.

Do I wish it were different? Yes. I do. But I am also happy and content to be in this body too. I am strong. I am healthy. I love to nourish my body with good, wholesome food. I love to keep my body healthy, supple and strong with exercise. I love to nourish my spirit and soul by surrounding myself with people I love and who love me and enjoy laughter and stimulating conversation with them. I love my life. I need to remember not to look for what I think I want but to realize that I have everything I ever wanted right in this moment here.

I am more than blessed.