31 Days - An update on my most popular post - where are we now?

My most - read post was the tribute I wrote to Stella Young.

http://www.lifeatmylevel.blogspot.com.au/2014/12/stop-all-clocks-you-broke-internet-stell.html

It has been almost six months since Stella's passing and I have to say that there are days where the disbelief still hits me right between the eyes.

She was just so alive, so vital, so incredibly happy the last time I saw her. It was easy to believe that Stella was invincible. She just loved people; she loved life.
All of us who were so blessed to call her a personal friend miss her beyond belief...and always will.

I think of her when I stop at South Yarra station. I think of her when my train pulls into Richmond. My heart is joyous when I hear Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson.  I feel her encouraging me to continue to get proud by practicing and I know she'd be super proud of my daughter Sarah jetting off to LA on her own.

I don't understand why she only got such a short time but oh my gosh, she was so alive while she was here. She did so much, loved so much and was loved so incredibly by so many people. What a good life. What an amazing life.

If I'm only a fraction of who she was, then I've had a great life indeed.

31 Days - A review of something I have used, read or eaten lately

Last night, on a whim, I decided that my top lip needed waxing...or something.  I normally use Nair to chemically burn it all off but this time I couldn't be bothered having something stinky under my nose for twenty minutes. I found these in the cupboard and decided to wax them off. I'd used wax strip before. Although they weren't painless, they were quick. Warm them up between your hands, smooth them on, rip them off...what could go wrong?

I'd never used this brand before but wax strip are wax strips...they're all the same so I didn't even bother pulling out the instructions to read them before I used them.

Bad idea.

These babies are waxy, like, super waxy! They take off the hair alright...and the top layer of skin.

I knew I'd gotten into trouble when I saw a line of blood after I'd quickly ripped off the strip, stifling a squeal of pain as I did so.

I should have read the instructions that stated that waxy residue would only come off with the accompanying Waxing Oil or After Care Lotion...of which we had none. No amount of toner or moisturizer would soothe the burning sensation or remove the sticky residue.

I spent an uncomfortable night.

Today it looks as though I've been eating something...brownish. My top lip is scabbing over...and it's sore and stinging. Lucky I have cool fingers. I'm pressing them to my lip for some relief.

I won't be using these again. If I don't stick to the Nair creme I think I might go for some professional waxing...or read instructions thoroughly before I attempt a home job again.

Don't like these at all.

Ouch!

31 Days - Something I found

Ok so let's churn out these last few, hey?

Something I found.

I found running...or it found me...or we both found each other, and in the process I found me.

I went to see my psychologist yesterday. God love my psychologist - I know I do. I've been seeing him on and off for fifteen years. Anyway we were talking about activities or actions that bring a person back into themselves. He was saying that people who engage in self harm activities can often do so to bring themselves back into themselves. He suggested that this is what running is for me; that it brings me back into myself again. I tend to agree. After a run I feel so very present and aware of myself, my surroundings, my body and my thoughts. Running slows everything down so that I can find myself again. I feel that the world makes sense when I run...or after I run.

I found running...or it found me...or we both found each other...and in the process I found me.

31 Days - What I want to be when I grow up

One thing no one told me as a child was that when you're an adult there are times - sometimes many times - where you don't feel like a grown up at all. For a long time when I became a wife and mother I would stop and say, "What? Hang on. I'm a MOTHER? I'm a grown up?" It never felt quite real and even now at the age of 48 I still catch myself feeling incredulous that I am in fact, a grown up.

No one told me that that young girl would still exist in my heart and soul and I'd still feel like throwing out all form of responsibility and just run naked down a sand dune in the middle of summer.

Not that I ever did that mind you....but it's on the Bucket List!

All I ever really wanted to do when I grew up was be a mother. I loved taking care of my dolls as a little girl. I loved it when my Mum would have another baby and there'd be this brand new little someone in the house to love. It was so special, so magical. I have to admit that my own initial foray into motherhood wasn't teh lovely, romantic thing I had envisaged, but when that round, warm little body was placed into my arms I was so incredibly hooked and I felt as though I was finally doing what I was born to do.

I know there are countless women out there who don't see motherhood like that, but I did. I've come to realise that just because I never wanted a high-falutin' career nor did I have lofty ambitions that didn't make me any less of a feminist.

So I guess you could say that I became what I wanted to be - a MOTHER.

But when I REALLY am grown up - I want to be a GRANDMOTHER! Then I think I will finally accept the fact that I am indeed, a grown up.

31 Days - Thank you to a thing I love

In rehearsal with Weave.

Dear Dance,

You thought I was going to write a Thank You to Running, didn't you? No, this time it's you.

You have lived within me for as long as I can remember. Ever since I chose that hot pink leotard and slippers and pink headband, you've resided within. I loved ballet. I can easily remember those classes in the Yarram Hall. I can still hear some of the music Mrs Stoddart played as she would have us practice positions, skips, gallops. I still remember the positions of hands and feet. I can hear Mrs Stoddart instructing us as we stood at the barre, "Point, lift, point, close!" I can still remember focusing on the EXIT sign so I wouldn't get dizzy whilst spinning. Hearing some of the music from Disney ' s Fantasia always takes me back to being on stage for Alice In Wonderland.

When we left in 1974 that heralded the end of my formal ballet training but oh how I missed you! I begged to go to classes in the towns we ended up in but it wasn't to be. Still, you stayed within and I found myself choreographing my own routines to music I loved. Looking back on it now some of the moves were ridiculous but I loved creating and moving. Sometimes friends would join me and we'd create routines to perform for the class. Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Bear and The Rainmaker being two memorable ones!

I've loved you for as long as I can remember as you've helped me release some of the in explainable emotions that seem too big to express sometimes.

Thanks to being involved with Weave I've finally found a place where I've been able to explore the dance in new ways. Here I've discovered that there are so many ways that dance can be created and explored.

THANK you for bringing me to a place where I've finally "landed in my own skin" and become appreciative and grateful for this body I inhabit. You've been the facilitator for this and I'm so incredibly glad that I've been given a chance to be able to express myself through you.

31 Days - My worst habit

I think my worst habit is probably starting projects and not finishing them. I have a whole cupboard filled with craft projects that haven't been finished. There are some really beautiful things too. One if them is a very sweet little quilt I started for my neice when she was a newborn.

That neice is now nine years old...

I did a quilting class maybe 15 years ago. Unfinished.

Two block by month quilts - unfinished.

Several knitting patterns, a crochet blanket.

A quilt as you go quilt that was supposed to be for Chloe.

A toy rabbit.

A couple of knitted bears.

I have a terrible habit of seeing a beautiful patterns and saying, "Yes! I'll make that!" then losing momentum.

One day...one day...I'll systematically go through each pattern/project and finish them one by one.

Oh look! Something shiny! ;)

Happy Anniversary Shout out

We interrupt the 31 Days Challenge for this Public Service Announcement. 

There are times you just have to do a shout out on your blog to some people who deserve so much more than a shout out on a blog - regardless of the fact that the said blog is a public blog and has the potential to be seen by anyone with a computer and access to the internet.

These guys deserve a shout out. I can't tell you how much I love and appreciate them. Our relationship has deepened over the years and is something I truly treasure from the bottom of my heart. When your parents become your friends...well...that's something special.

They'd drop everything to come and help you out if they knew you needed it. They'd help tirelessly and selflessly - and they often do. They are two of the most hard working, dedicated people I've ever known.

Most of all, they love each other and I have never doubted that for one minute over my entire lifetime.

If I could even manage to be half the person both of them are, then I've done well.

Meet my Mum and Dad.

Today is their 49th Wedding Anniversary.....and my Mum's 70th Birthday

31 Days - Something I lost

I don't know why I remember this particular thing I lost, but it flits thorough my mind from time to time and I wondered whatever happened to it. Out of all the things I've lost, this one is possibly the least significant and yet I wonder about it a lot.

When I was about nine or ten I was given a doll as a gift. It was kind of like a Barbie, but not. It was jointed, meaning that it's knees and albows could actually bend which was a good thing because it was a doll that was supposed to be able to ride a toy horse - not that I had a horse that went with it, but my brothers had some pretty cool horses that came with the Lone Ranger and Tonto dolls they had!

Yes we had these exact ones!

But this doll was different because it was a male doll - only recognised as such by his short hair and outfit, not because he was anatomically correct. I think that's why I liked him - because he was different to my girly dolls - and because he could sit on a horse properly!

I don't know what happened to him. One day he just wasn't there anymore. Did my mother do a cull of toys? Did one of my friends envy my horse riding doll so much that they took him? Did I take him out somewhere and just lose him?

I don't think I'll ever know. But one thing I do know, is that I have somehow never forgotten this doll and I have no idea why.

31 Days - Brain Dump. On my mind right now.

Oh gosh why did I say that I would do this 31 Days thing? I am so far behind. In fact, most of these are being written in bulk so I guess that means I have failed at this challenge, doesn't it? What is failing anyway? I guess I haven't really failed but rather I've found out that I am not really great at writing every day. How do people write these things every day anyway? I guess that's why I'm not a famous blogger yet - because I am a sporadic blogger. Sometimes I wonder why I even decided to start Life At My Level with a theme of writing about what it is like being short statured. I mean, being short statured is pretty normal in the grand scheme of things. I'm just three-foot-ten-and-a-half for goodness sake. It's not like that's weird or anything.....but to some people it is I guess....or a curiosity.

I wonder if I was over five feet if I would find short statured people interesting? Would I stop and stare or take a second glance. I can't imagine ever being rude or sniggering or saying insulting things. Good grief! My mother would have flim-flammed me if I did any of those things. But would I have been curious? Would I have looked just because I'd never seen another short statured person before?

These things flit through my mind a lot. Are my family so open and accepting of difference because I am the way I am and they have been brought up with difference, or are they open and accepting because of the moral values that have been instilled into us? I'd like to think it was the latter. I really would. I think we're pretty nice peoples. Actually, looking at extended family I have found that most of them are like that.

Will I go to the post office this afternoon? Hmmm...might just pop some stamps on those envelopes waiting over there and drop them into the red box.

Gee I had a great time catching up with my friend at lunch time. It's so great we have connected and realised we are on the same wavelength when it comes to creativity and the like. You can never have too many friends. Gosh I'd love to do a collaborative project with her. Wonder how that would go down? Who cares? It would be fun!

Brain dumps are fun.

31 Days - What I have learned about life so far

In the grand scheme of things, 48 years is not a very long time. It feels like a long time sometimes, although sometimes it feels as though the years have just flittered past and it was only yesterday that I was running down sand dunes with my brothers and sisters without a care in the world, thinking as though life was going to stay like that forever.

So maybe dot points are in order.

• Life is so incredibly short. 
• The most important things in life are not things, but the people in it.
• Age is a nebulous concept.
• Life doesn't always make sense.
• Life is not always fair.
• Good things don't always come to good people, but never give up your goodness for anything. Keep doing good, believing in the good, hoping for good. 
• You can never say "I love you" too many times.
• It's important to be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack. You don't have to get it 100% right 100% of the time. 
• You won't always be treated in the way you want to be treated. 
• It's never too late to start something new or change directions. 
• Most of your learning doesn't happen at school.
• Sleep is the best thing ever invented.

I'm still learning. Life is always changing. I think I'll be learning new things about life until I draw my least breath....and then I'll possibly learn more things!

31 Days - A DIY on something I know nothing about

Ok so I'm behind. Hooray for rescheduling posts.

So this one is supposed to be a DIY on something I know nothing about. I know nothing about a lot of things, but I'm really good at learning stuff about things I know nothing about. I know I've said many times that my life seems to be on this tangent that I get thrown in at the deep end with everything and then simply expected to swim. When I got married I knew nothing about running a home, cooking, creating a budget, how to pay bills. I learned on the fly. I learned by trying. I learned by making mistakes, finding out how not to do something before I stumbled upon actually how to do something.  When I got married I'd never even cooked an entire meal for myself, let alone a husband and a child. So I cooked. Chops, mashed potatoes and vegetables. Nobody got sick and died. Ok, so I can cook.

So, maybe that's what my DIY instructions can be about. How to to life - because, really, I don't quite know how to yet...but I'm working on it. Every day.

HOW TO DO LIFE.

1. Exit the womb in whichever way seems to happen for you.
2. Figure out what noises bring you food, shelter, warmth and loving. 
3. Make some sense out of letters and numbers - enough to enable you to read some things and add or subtract some things.
4. Experiment with the world around you. Find out how things work, how things run, how things are made. Put some things together, pull some things apart.
5. Sometimes just stay still and look at things, listen to things, feel some things.
6. Taste foods, find out what you like, what you don't like.  
7. Treat other people and animals the way you would like to be treated. 
8. Listen to what your heart tells you. It's normally right. 
9. Make lots of mistakes - and never be afraid to make some mistakes. Think about whether or not there are such things as mistakes. Look at them and think about what you have learned. 
10. Remember to be kind to yourself, in all things, at all times. 

31 Days - My obituary

My obituary. I kind of avoided this one...although I thought about it a lot. How does one write ones own obituary. I went off and Googled a few. They were a little bit helpful....but not much.

Is it morbid to write ones own obituary? I don't really know. How would I like to be remembered? These are a couple of the questions I have pondered.

I remember once I delivered a speech on Fathers Day at church one day - on what my Dad means to me. As I was writing it it occurred to me that it was like I was writing his eulogy. Eulogies are beautiful. I always secretly hope that our departed loved ones get to hover around at their own funerals and hear the beautiful words said about them after they die. As I wrote the Fathers Day speech I was really glad I wrote it in a similar manner to a eulogy because my Dad was going to be physically present and hear precisely what he meant to me.

I'll never forget that particular Fathers Day....best one ever....

Anyway....my obituary!

Leisa P W passed away on Sunday evening, peacefully in her sleep at the age of 182. Beloved mother to Sarah, Chloe, Tim and Georgia, mother in law to ?, ?, ? and ? and very much cherished Yaya to all her grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Leisa always hoped that she was "aging disgracefully" and did everything in her power to ensure that happened. She grabbed hold of life with both hands and enjoyed every single second she could. Her grandchildren always came back from visiting Yaya filthy dirty after a day spent outdoors climbing trees, building cubby houses, collecting tadpoles and making mud pies. Leisa loved teaching them about the world around them, often discovering new things right along side of them.

Leisa's longevity can possibly be explained by the vast number of unfinished craft projects she had stashed in the cupboard. Surely the Good Lord wouldn't take her until they were all completed! Leisa was rarely seen sitting idle in a chair. She was always bent over with a crochet hook or needle in her hand, avidly sewing, knitting or crocheting for those she loved and those in need.

Leisa loved to run and at the age of 50 completed her first marathon. After that it was a marathon a year! Her last marathon was at the age of 120 where she finished in the last quarter of the field still feeling pretty fabulous.

Leisa always wore her heart on her sleeve. Thought too much and sometimes felt too much....but always said she wouldn't have it any other way. People always knew where they stood with her. She said that transparency and honesty made for a better world and tried very hard to practice this belief. Even when life wasn't kind she was determined to be kind and respond with kindness...believing that one day kindness would be returned.

It is hoped that Leisa did what she always wanted to do when she finally approached the Pearly Gates - at a run, sliding into Home and yelling, "WOO HOO! What a ride!"

31 Days - What I am addicted to and why

Doritos!!! Why? Why not. I mean, they're Doritos! Isn't that enough? Crunchy,  munchy and with just the right balance of artificial flavorings,  colourings, preservatives and MSG to ensure that this normally very health conscious, borderline weight obsessed, exercise junkie can be classed as normal in regards to her eating! Ha!

My catch cry is, "I would appear naked on Survivor and give up the chance of immunity just to scoff a packet of Doritos in front of my tribemates!"

Oh yes...Doritos. I love them. What's not to love?

*Not a sponsored post*

31 Days - The worst Christmas I ever had

I can't remember what year it was. I think it was the Christmas just prior to me starting Secondary College. It was hot, I remember that much. Funny, but our Australian Christmases don't seem to be as hot these days as they were back then, but then again...maybe that's the "back in my day" old lady coming out in me.

Anyway, possibly about 24 hours before the big day I came down with gastro.  Gastro at Christmas is not fun. No yummy Christmas lunch - heck, I didn't even feel like eating Christmas lunch. All I could do was lay on the couch, half heartedly unwrapping a couple of gifts and feeling miserable. I remember having a persistent headache and unrelenting nausea. I received a transistor radio that Christmas which kept me company.  I think ABBA's "Gimme Gimme Gimme" was pretty up there on the charts that Christmas because I remember hearing it a lot - which makes me think this happened in 1978. We also got a trampoline that year but the sheer thought of even trying to bounce on it made my head pound in protest!

I was feeling a lot better after Boxing Day was done and dusted so you can bet I made up for the lack of trampoline jumping after that!

31 Days - The thing that really gets my goat

This prompt seems like a double up to me. There was the Nine Things I Can't Handle post a few days ago. Maybe this is a more indepth unravelling of one...but then again, maybe not....because now that I'm writing this I am now becoming more aware of the one thing that gets my goat.

And it's something that maybe no one can do anything about...maybe it's just the way life is.

It really gets my goat that life is....well....seemingly unfair.

I guess I would even go as far as saying that it's the thing that causes me most angst. I don't get it, I don't like it and have probably spent way too much time shaking my fist at the heavens because of it.

But, it's the way life is....and I do know that I need to just accept it and get on with the business of living. Most of the time I can do this quite easily. Sometimes, when things seem to be particularly unfair, it seems impossible.

I guess I try and be a bit of a rule-keeper and believe that if you keep to the rules things should go well. I try and be as honest as possible with government departments, pay people back as quickly as possible, know that as the keeper of the petty cash, credit card numbers and account details I am trusted and do everything I can to be worthy of that trust. Most times this has gone well. Other times, such as when dealing with government departments, I've fallen victim to "the system" - payments have been cancelled or delayed all because of human error. Sometimes one has to practically bend over backwards to prove how truthful one is being - almost to the point of reporting ones shoe size and what one had for breakfast!

Ok...ok....so I can exaggerate sometimes....

But you get the picture.

And take the attack on my dog Maya...I was doing the right thing. I was walking my dog on a leash. I was being a caring and responsible pet owner. When the dog rushed us both Maya and I immediately adopted non-threatening body language - we were still, eyes averted, Maya was even laying on her belly. We were attacked by a large, black dog that was being walked by it's owner OFF THE LEASH. He did not have control of his dog. My dog offered no threat and yet it was savaged and hurt. The owner and his dog left the scene, leaving me with a severely injured dog and (later) a vet bill in excess of $5000*.

It is all not fair. Even if the owner is found and we are reimbursed, it is still not fair. My precious Maya, my sweet, gentle girl was severely hurt and will never be quite the same again.

So...that's what gets my goat. The fact that people who do the right thing as often as possible are often the ones who pay the most and those who don't....well.....just get to do life pretty easy. I know that's not strictly true...but it's the way my mind processes it.

* At the suggestion of some dear friends I have set up a GoFundMe appeal for assistance with Maya's vet bills. If you would like to contribute please visit Friends Of Maya here. *

Maya thanks you from the bottom of her sweet, gentle heart.
(and so do I!)

31 Days - My earliest childhood memory

When I actively think back to the earliest memories I have I see them as hazy and full of sunlight - almost as though I am looking into the sun's glare on a bright winters day. I find myself wondering if this is what it is like for other people. Sometimes I see the same effect depicted in movies, so perhaps this is indeed so. I kind of like it. It fills me with peace, contentment and warmth.

If I push my mind as far as it will go I get an image of a very little me, standing up against a screen door, or a partition across a door. I can see cows and fields and grass. I know this memory is true. My mother tells me that she found me standing up against the door watching the cows once prior to my brother being born. My brother is 17 months younger than me so I must have been very, very young.

My next memory which is a little more definite and much clearer is that same brother and I sitting at the kitchen table eating dried apricots whilst our mother breastfed our baby brother. I would have been three. Eating dried apricots always takes me back to that time - a time of feeling safe and loved.

What are your earliest childhood memories?

31 Days - The last thing that made me cry

The last thing that made me cry was this beautiful video on Upworthy.

This is Joe Fraley, singing for his mother, Judy.  Judy has Alzheimers. This video is one of the last times Joe sings for his mother at home before she is placed in a care facility. Judy is confused, but Joe connects with her through his song.

This is the final piece of conversation after the song ends.

Mom: I don't know what's happening here, but it's been so long ago. How come it's so long? I don't know where we live. I don't. I don't know anything.

Son: It's okay.

Mom: It's okay? Now how do you know where we are, honey?

Son: Well, we're right here. We're right here, right now.

Mom: It's pretty here.

Son: It's pretty here.

Mom: It's very pretty here. I love you, and you have a nice face and a pretty smile, and you're a nice person.

Son: Thank you, Mom. You, too.

31 Days - 7 things I learned from being a kid.

Seven things I learned from being a kid. Hmmm...This one is kind of hard! Let me think for a bit...

1. The world of imagination actually exists.  Can you remember engaging in imaginative play and you were so immersed in it that your imaginary world actually existed? I do. I remember stacking up some wooden boxes, covering them in Hessian sacks, getting some rope and tying them to a part of the boxes and all of a sudden I had a horse. I remember wildly riding that horse through desert plains on a remote island somewhere. I saw the island. I saw the remoteness. I felt wild and free and alive. I felt my horse beneath me. That world existed.

I see that world in movie form. I read about that world through Tolkien,  JK Rowling, CS Lewis. I know the worlds that those authors created actually do exist because I've been there. I've seen them.

2. Family is everything. My brothers and sisters and I would fight and argue as kids but when the chips were down we'd all come to each others defence in an instant.

3. You don't need money to have a fantastic time. My best childhood memories involve sausages in bread with sauce cooked on an open fire at the bottom of a sand dune and then spending hours rolling down the sand dune and walking along the beach together. Simple pleasures have always been close to my heart.

4. Strangers are potentially friends I haven't met. I guess moving towns and starting new schools a few times taught me this one.

5. Cyclone Tracy ripped through Darwin on Christmas Day 1974. It was the first time I was really aware that there were forces bigger than those i knew of in my own little world. I learned that the word "Christmas" means nothing to Mother Nature.

6. The value of ingenuity. Our family didn't have much money. My brothers and I didn't get lollies handed to us whenever we wanted them, but we knew that if we found soft drink bottles we could take them down to the local Milk Bar and trade them in for 20c.....or 20c worth of mixed lollies. Usually we went for lollies! When we were a little older we also used to collect aluminum cans and cash them in. We would also deliver pamphlets and advertising material to earn money. I guess we learned that you needed to work for reward.

7.  I guess I also learned about faith.  It was a simple faith, one that was quietly assured of the existence of God and the acceptance that I was loved. That love gently surrounded me every day. I felt it in the sunshine, on the breeze, in my parents consistency and presence.  I don't remember when it became complicated, but somewhere, the memory of that gentle, quiet faith sustains me and holds me secure.

31 Days - The most difficult decision I have ever made.

I've really struggled with this one. Over the course of 28+ years of being a parent there have been a myriad of tough decisions I've had to make; all to do with surgeries. It's always a tough thing signing that piece of paper giving your consent to an anesthetic,  intravenous drugs and the actual surgery. Sometimes there's been the tough decision to trade one set of problems over another. Do we choose Door 1 where we do nothing and hope that things remain stable (which is highly unlikely) or run the risk of things getting worse and running into some serious problems? Or do we choose Door 2 where we go ahead, fix the problem but know the fixing comes with it's own set of lifetime consequences?

Tough.

Looking back on it all though, sometimes there is no decision to be made. Sometimes as a parent you sign those forms, knowing that you have to. There is no choice; and you agree to that surgery understanding that there is a good outcome. In the end, the decision isn't hard.

I feel really bad but the hardest decisions have been those involving my pets. I do feel the weight of playing god almost - actually deciding if a precious pet gets to live or die. Even when I've known it was the right thing to do; when the animal was old and suffering or had cancer and there was no hope, the decision was still hard and I sobbed having to make it. Deciding to have Maya's injuries treated and operated on was difficult too. On one hand I knew she had a good chance of recovering and leading a good life afterwards....but the costs have been enormous and I'm losing a lot of sleep wondering how I'm going to manage. The thought of getting her put to sleep because of expense just broke my heart...and I couldn't do it. I couldn't say no.

I guess time will tell if I made the right decision.

31 Days - The day I started blogging

I can't quite remember the year I started blogging, let alone the actual day. (I can't even remember yesterday these days!)

I started writing online at a website called OpenDiary. I don't know what drew me there, but I when I found the site I enjoyed reading stories of peoples daily lives, seeing Day In The Life photo posts and just reading about their life journeys and it made me want to do the same. There was the ability to leave notes to diarists and before too long a little community began to develop around me and I started to get to know people. I started meeting other diarists when I accepted an invitation to a Tupperware party one diarist was holding. It was with great excitement and a bit of nervousness that I found myself knocking on her front door and then sitting in a room with a bunch of other diarists. Everyone was just as sweet and friendly as they were online and we all became friends.

Through blogging I've journeyed with others through blossoming relationships, weddings, pregnancies, birth, holidays, triumphs, loss and grief. I've learned about different medical conditions, disabilities and become aware of issues I never even thought about. I know new recipes, tasted new foods, attempted different crafts and explored the arts. I've educated people about my genetic condition, given them an insight into life with dwarfism and have even been asked to speak at functions.

I didn't know what I was getting into on the day I started blogging but I'm so glad I did!

31 Days - The story of my first kiss

Throughout the month of May I will be taking on the 31 Days of Confessions Challenge. I will be blogging every day about a different subject or question. You'll possibly get to know a lot about me!

Enjoy!

Ah how's this one for awkward and uncomfortable? *waves to all those who are in the know and are reading this*

Deep breath in!

I was fifteen and almost six months. He was thirteen and five months. It was September. We had inadvertently become "boyfriend and girlfriend" after we'd been hanging out together all day and then I sat on his knee at the campfire (actually, he sat on mine first). His little sister came up to us and asked, "Are you going together?" I don't know why but I answered, "I don't know." He replied, "Yes". She walked away and he said to me, "That's ok isn't it?"

It was perfectly ok.

We hung about together for the rest of the week. Simply holding his hand was enough for me and his hand was in mine throughout every daylight hour. There was the promise of a kiss but the days kept slipping away and the parentals and concerned others were watching our every move like Private Detectives. Ridiculous really. It was all as sweet as could be. Nothing serious was going to happen.

On the last night we slipped away outside and sat down behind the BBQ. Silence. Maybe a word or two.

And then it was happening. My first real kiss. Like real, real. I couldn't believe I knew what to do! Come to think of it, given that he was only 13 I can't believe HE knew what to do!

The only thing I didn't know how to do was kiss and breathe at the same time!

Help! I'm suffocating here! My nose is blocked...but I don't want this to end...but it HAS to end because I CAN'T BREATHE!!!

I broke away, apologising because I couldn't breathe. The second one was a lot better. Oxygen really does make a difference to things.

We were seen by one of the "concerned others" as we made our way back to the main hall to join everyone else. The concerned other promptly went and informed his mother and then, a couple of months later, quietly and firmly informed my mother and requested that I not be allowed to attend any function without parental accompaniment.

I don't think I've quite forgiven her yet...

31 Days - My most excruciatingly embarrassing moment

Throughout the month of May I will be taking on the 31 Days of Confessions Challenge. I will be blogging every day about a different subject or question. You'll possibly get to know a lot about me!

Enjoy!

My most excruciatingly embarrassing moment. What was that? I honestly can't think of any.

Maybe it was the time where a friend confessed that she and her boyfriend stumbled across my car in a notorious area known for it's secluded parking capacity....

Or the time I had a wardrobe malfunction at a school swimming carnival....even though no one saw....

What about competing in a swimming training session only to realise later on that one side of my swimming costume was pretty much transparent?

Being almost caught in the act by my future mother in law?

Or actually caught in the act by one of the kids?

Waking up the next morning to be given an account of what I said in my drunken state the night before?

Thank goodness we get older and wiser!

31 Days - Nine things I just can't handle

Throughout the month of May I will be taking on the 31 Days of Confessions Challenge. I will be blogging every day about a different subject or question. You'll possibly get to know a lot about me!

Enjoy!

Nine things I can't handle.

1. Mouth noises - Oh please! For the love of Mike! Close your mouth when you chew. I don't want to hear that you're chewing, slurping or belching! I don't mind a good crunch, but I really don't want to hear your food slopping about your mouth. Close it. Please. Ok, thanks!

2. Skinny shaming - I honestly cringe at Facebook memes that carry on about how real men like curves, only dogs go for bones. It's not okay to shame a curvy person so it's not okay to shame a skinny person either. People! Stop judging people! Let's just all be healthy in whatever shape we are in.

3. Towels left on the floor. Watch my eye twitch.

4. People who park in Accessibility Parking Spaces without a permit. I don't care if you're only going to be five minutes, or that it's the only spare spot in the car park. If you don't have a permit, don't park there! They are there for a reason. There are people who need them. Laziness, ignorance or simply not giving a toss is not an access issue!

5. Public arguments over Facebook. Please don't. Talk to each other. Email each other. No public airings thanks.

6. Movies that star Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin or Nicole Kidman. Rock of Ages with BOTH Tom and Alec was a double whammy, as was Eyes Wide Shut with Tom and Nicole....oh....and Days of Thunder....and that other one. Everyone raves about Australia but I simply cannot watch Ms Kidman's performance. She's a lovely person. I've admired her in interviews but oh my gosh! Her acting!

7. My step stool being moved from where it's stationed. I need it folks. Don't move it. I don't like hunting for it.

8. Hearing music through other people's headphones - I appreciate that other people like music and respect their tastes but when it's played through headphones so loudly that I can hear the lyrics from six seats away, it's too loud. You can still listen to it clearly if you turn it down a decibel or five.

9. Being the person who has to replace stuff. Oh gosh! How hard is it to replace a toilet roll? Or refill a soap dispenser?

31 Days - the hardest thing I have ever been through

Throughout the month of May I will be taking on the 31 Days of Confessions Challenge. I will be blogging every day about a different subject or question. You'll possibly get to know a lot about me!

Enjoy!

Given the events of Saturday this one has been hard to write. Both this event and the brutal attack on my dog Maya on Saturday have been the most traumatic events I've ever been through; both in different ways.

I don't want to do this one.

I'm not going to write the details of that day. If I think about it too much I can feel the icyness of the wind, the frustration, the fear, my pounding heart and absolute sheer white terror.

Terror to me is white. The most pure white you can imagine. I don't know why I think that. It just feels like pure white - blinding, harsh, excruciating.

That day feels as though I went to the edge of hell. Days and weeks and months afterwards I would describe it as being slapped in the face by God. You know when you see someone slapped in the face by a loved one and there's this shocked, frozen look on their face as they hold their stinging cheek?

That's how I felt.

It was a post - surgery complication that happened to one of my children. Possibly about the worst. It happened at home, over a period of several days. I had no idea things were so bad, but I knew things weren't right. I didn't know how bad she was until we presented at Emergency and things moved both frighteningly fast and excruciatingly slow all at once.

I wasn't able to do anything. I didn't know what was going on. I could only watch...until I couldn't...and I did the one thing I swore I'd never do...I ran out.

I ran back in of course. "How is this kid still breathing?" I heard, as an incredulous doctor looked at her chest X ray.  I saw them all working diligently. I held her hand, encouraged, pleaded.

We went to the very edge together...teetered...and came back. I'll never forget the warmth of her when it was all over; the beauty of her face, the smile.

I would go through each one of my four c-sections wide awake without anesthetic before living that day again.

And I would walk through hell every day just for that smile.

31 Days - The lie that I got away with (or didn't)

Throughout the month of May I will be taking on the 31 Days of Confessions Challenge. I will be blogging every day about a different subject or question. You'll possibly get to know a lot about me!

Enjoy!

I had to really think about this prompt. I'm a terrible liar.

"I cannot lie! I chopped down the cherry tree!"

I think saying that I was fine when I really wasn't has been the biggest lie I got away with - or didn't. I would tell everyone I was fine. I would tell the Professor this every time my children and I would visit him en masse. After reviewing all the kids, talking about their development, discussing potential surgeries and any concerns we had he would ask me, "And how are you doing Leisa?"

And I would answer, "Yeah, good. I'm fine!"

Till that one day when I made an appointment to see the Professor on my own.

I was not fine. I wasn't even close to being fine - and I told him so. I was a living, breathing, tangled mess of stress and worry, anxiety and depression. I was under that much stress that my mind couldn't take it anymore and I was pretty much losing my sh*t slowly and surely. The Professor was so relieved. He told me that up until that point I had seemed unreal, unreachable and untouchable and no one knew how to help. Now that I had reached out they could help.

I had a couple of years there where everything I had ever trusted in, hoped for and believed in was being slowly eroded and my automatic response of, "I'm fine!" no longer cut it. I had been living a lie. I was not fine...and I wasn't getting away with that lie anymore.

I'm glad I didn't get away with it though. The exposure of that lie did me and everyone else in my world some favours. It revealed the real me and I learned that it's ok to be exposed and vulnerable. It enabled people to get close to me, come alongside me and support me. Exposing that lie meant that I became softer, more understanding. I became a better mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend because I allowed people in.

31 days - The day I left home

Throughout the month of May I will be taking on the 31 Days of Confessions challenge. I will be blogging every day about a different subject or question. You'll possibly get to know a lot about me!

Enjoy

Would you believe that the day I left home was the day I got married? I kid you not! Regardless of the fact that I was already the mother of an eight month old daughter I did not leave home until I was legally wed!

Without going into the details let's just say that the whole getting married and leaving home thing was a case of tryingn to shut the stable door after the horse had well and truly bolted. Christian upbringing, the 80's, unmarried mothers still with the stigma firmly attached and two young lovers simply tring to put things right, the whole day had an air of, "Let's just clear this whole mess up!" rather than it being a celebration.

Leaving home was quite a conflicting feeling for me. I was 20 years old with a baby, had never even cooked a meal for myself, let alone a husband and a baby! I was kind of thrown in at the deep end.

"Here kid! Here's a house and a life! Manage it!"

Looking back on it all now I was grossly underprepared. I hadn't even taken my own independent steps into life!

Lucky for me, being thrown in at the deep end and learning on my feet is how I learn best. I worked it out as I went along, making plenty of mistakes, falling down and getting straight back up again.

So there you have it! The day I left home was the day I got married - Saturday 14th November, 1987 to be precise! We had a wee wedding and then my new husband and I went back to the unit he had only been occupying for a month. We had a night on our own and then our daughter was dropped off to us the very next morning.

Monday morning I kissed my husband goodbye before he drove to work.....and that was the start of our life!

31 Days - That thing that happened in High School that changed my life forever

Throughout the month of May I will be taking on the 31 Days of Confessions challenge. I will be blogging every day about a different subject or question. You'll possibly get to know a lot about me!

Enjoy!

I tell myself that I loved High School; that they were the best times ever. I tell everyone else that too.

I don't know why.

The truth is, High School sucked. I think I rather enjoyed Year 7 but the memory of it seems to have clouded over the years. My family and I had moved into town six months before High School started. I was halfway through Grade 6 with a gaggle of wonderful friends when I was uprooted from all that to start again amongst a group of kids who had grown up together and were already in well-established friendship groups. I simply could not infilatrate or assimilate. I spent most of my time hanging out with kids younger than me...ones with horses! However, in Year 7 I managed to ease my way in with a group of girls who invited me to their parties and sleepovers and hung around with me at school. For some reason, at the beginning of Year 8 all that kind of went pear-shaped and I found myself totally alone at recess and lunchtime, feeling pretty bereft. One of the girls from the group was eventually ejected and so she found me and together we'd find a spot up on the hill, surrounded by some shrubs and we'd spend the afternoons reading novels and talking about books we enjoyed. That friend left the school at the end of the year and transferred to another school....and after that I had a single different friend per year.

People didn't hang around much. I don't know why.

I guess that due to the fact that I didn't have that one close friend that remained and stayed and I meant as much to her and she did to me, I learned to be pretty self-reliant. I learned not to get too close to people because they had a tendency to up and leave when circumstances presented themselves. I was especially hurt when it seemed that they'd leave me in the lurch for people who seemed a lot more exciting than me. I really didn't do that kind of hurt very well....

Now, as a woman in her 40's I do have my really close friends, however I'm not one to be in their faces all the time. I don't demand attention or affection; in fact I guess sometimes I possibly even come across as....distant? Holding people at arms length? Don't get me wrong! When I'm with my friends all is groovy, I love seeing them and enjoy their company but when we're not together rarely have that yearning that pleads "Oh I need my friend!" I'm happy with my own company and don't mind being alone.

So, I guess that's what High School taught me. I learned to be ok with being by myself because often, that's all I had.