Whilst driving home last night with my son, in the silence of the car and the silence that exists being in the presence of my beautiful, silent son, I realised that I have spent the better part of the past 12 years being confused, bereft and totally miserable.
Why on earth do I profess to love this man?
Why does a heroin addict love the substance that is slowly killing them?
Am I just addicted to being needed; to having a body next to me in the bed that gives me the illusion that I am cherished and loved?
Reality is, I'm not. I am a foe. I am a opponent to be squashed and annihilated. Any form of independence or free thought...or anything that is intrinsically me is questioned, given an autopsy and examined to the point where I question my own right to be different to him. Do I really feel what I feel? Should I feel what I feel and think what I think? Feeling what I feel and thinking what I think only gets me into a world of trouble and the moody, broody, disapproving silences are the worst punishment one can inflict.
Give me a quick slap across the face any day. It's quick, it's painful, it's over.
But to be punished simply for not staying in the box he would have me in simply confuses me.
I wish I was loved.
I wish I was loved like Ryan loves Cole.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Catharsis
Wow.
My old school friend called me last night. Her name is Joscelyn. We spoke for hours. (even missed Criminal Minds, but that was ok!)
I'm finding it really hard to put into words the impact that call has had...on both of us. In the end we both realised that we two are possibly the only two who could understand the impact another one of our friends had on our lives, and how our experiences with her helped shape who we are today. I had no idea that Joscelyn suffered in the friendship with Tania just as much, if not more, than I did. It is so strange, and somewhat scary, how we both needed to revisit things that happened to us both over 30 years ago.
Something new and good is growing again. We had such a brief friendship when we were children, but have never forgotten each other and now we are free of Tania we were able to last night talk about things, heal old wounds and start putting pieces of the puzzle together to reveal a friendship that endured a strange kind of crazy.
I feel kind of empty today. I'm not sure why. Over the course of the morning (and it's only 8am) I have come to realise a couple of things I thought as the truth from when I was a kid, were actually a lie.
I feel a bit stupid for saying this, but the one that's stuck with me at the moment is the realisation that Tania possibly never went to see KISS in 1980. It was an elaborate lie she told.
It's the lie that gets to me...
But I feel stupid that this has an impact on this almost-44-year-old woman today.
Last night Joscelyn was reeling with the fact that she found out from me that Tania never did Year 10. (J had moved to a different school by this stage) Here she was, all these years, believing that Tania left school after Year 10 at CHS. To find out that she ran away from school at the start of the Year 10 year and never came back (and even didn't contact her so-called best friend AKA me to tell me what was going on) really had an effct on Joscelyn last night.
But to explain that impact to you or to anyone else is just beyond us.
What makes someone so "powerful" that they have such a lasting impact on your life? How can you fully explain emotional manipulation? How can you explain your reasons for being so devoted to someone at such a young age? Are there people that exist who have such an "aura" about them that this kind of thing is even possible?
Anyway, the good thing about it all is that I have a friend. Her name is Joscelyn. We're now going to be friends in our own right
My old school friend called me last night. Her name is Joscelyn. We spoke for hours. (even missed Criminal Minds, but that was ok!)
I'm finding it really hard to put into words the impact that call has had...on both of us. In the end we both realised that we two are possibly the only two who could understand the impact another one of our friends had on our lives, and how our experiences with her helped shape who we are today. I had no idea that Joscelyn suffered in the friendship with Tania just as much, if not more, than I did. It is so strange, and somewhat scary, how we both needed to revisit things that happened to us both over 30 years ago.
Something new and good is growing again. We had such a brief friendship when we were children, but have never forgotten each other and now we are free of Tania we were able to last night talk about things, heal old wounds and start putting pieces of the puzzle together to reveal a friendship that endured a strange kind of crazy.
I feel kind of empty today. I'm not sure why. Over the course of the morning (and it's only 8am) I have come to realise a couple of things I thought as the truth from when I was a kid, were actually a lie.
I feel a bit stupid for saying this, but the one that's stuck with me at the moment is the realisation that Tania possibly never went to see KISS in 1980. It was an elaborate lie she told.
It's the lie that gets to me...
But I feel stupid that this has an impact on this almost-44-year-old woman today.
Last night Joscelyn was reeling with the fact that she found out from me that Tania never did Year 10. (J had moved to a different school by this stage) Here she was, all these years, believing that Tania left school after Year 10 at CHS. To find out that she ran away from school at the start of the Year 10 year and never came back (and even didn't contact her so-called best friend AKA me to tell me what was going on) really had an effct on Joscelyn last night.
But to explain that impact to you or to anyone else is just beyond us.
What makes someone so "powerful" that they have such a lasting impact on your life? How can you fully explain emotional manipulation? How can you explain your reasons for being so devoted to someone at such a young age? Are there people that exist who have such an "aura" about them that this kind of thing is even possible?
Anyway, the good thing about it all is that I have a friend. Her name is Joscelyn. We're now going to be friends in our own right
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
10 Things About Me
1. I am very short. Really.
2. I can't stand hearing mouth noises other than talking or singing. Please chew your gum quietly around me,
3. I danced in front of a Prime Minister when I was only six years old.
4. I hate boiled and fried eggs. I'll only eat them scrambled and in an omelette.
5. I have secret ambitions to be a backing vocalist for a band....a good band. It's not unusual for me to get up on stage at a function with a band and sing with them - just for the hell of it.
6. I wish I was invisible....or at least just blend in with the crowd.
7. I am still madly in love with my husband even after 26 years together. (23 married)
8. I have two dogs, two cats, four rabbits, 1 guinea pig and two rats and secretly agree with my husband that this is too many!
9. I'd do anything to chuck it all in and live on a commune growing my own fruit and veggies, chickens, cows, making my own clothes and generally staying away from the hustle and bustle of suburbia.
10. I love to dance.....especially in the supermarket.
2. I can't stand hearing mouth noises other than talking or singing. Please chew your gum quietly around me,
3. I danced in front of a Prime Minister when I was only six years old.
4. I hate boiled and fried eggs. I'll only eat them scrambled and in an omelette.
5. I have secret ambitions to be a backing vocalist for a band....a good band. It's not unusual for me to get up on stage at a function with a band and sing with them - just for the hell of it.
6. I wish I was invisible....or at least just blend in with the crowd.
7. I am still madly in love with my husband even after 26 years together. (23 married)
8. I have two dogs, two cats, four rabbits, 1 guinea pig and two rats and secretly agree with my husband that this is too many!
9. I'd do anything to chuck it all in and live on a commune growing my own fruit and veggies, chickens, cows, making my own clothes and generally staying away from the hustle and bustle of suburbia.
10. I love to dance.....especially in the supermarket.
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