Bubble

I love bubbles. So beautiful and fragile and temporary, filled with lots of enjoyment if only for a brief moment. And that's the thing I'm trying to remember. Just enjoy this beautiful moment for what it is. Who knows how long it will last? Who knows how long all these good things that are happening will continue? However, I'm not going to worry about that. I am just going to suck every last drop of goodness out of this time we're having. I'm going to marvel at it, look at it's beauty and appreciate it.

Tim's interview at Coles went really well. They are going to give him full-time work experience. I don't know how long he will be there for but the point is he has a foot in the door and there are people who are willing to take him on board and train him. He's needed that all along - just someone who will come alongside of him and show him the way for a while. The look on his face is priceless. He is so excited, so full of hope. He can't wait to get his Learners Permit and start to learn to drive. I am so happy for him I just want to break out dancing in the streets.

Please bubble. Please stay for a while. I just need this time of peace and beauty to last for a while, just so that we can get a breather and regain some strength for what the New Year will bring us.

The return of happiness

Honestly, I don't really think happiness ever left. I just think I forgot to look for it. I guess with the slow demise of my marriage, not being well for a while, my daughter's impending spinal fusion operation and a few other things, I've been (once again) in survival mode; putting-one-foot-in-front-of-the-other mode and just going through the motions; being neither depressed nor happy....just doing life.

However, happiness has returned to Life At Another Level in the form of all my offspring being back home again under the one roof. Sarah returned home from Uni last Friday. She is home again for the Christmas break and will return to Uni sometime in February. I am excited about having her home again. Last weekend was filled with a lot of talking and laughing. Oh my goodness how we laughed. At one point I was rolling around on the floor with an aching belly I was laughing so much. Add to that the dog becoming very curious and excited and getting in my face and almost suffocating me...well.....you had to be there.

Things seem to be looking up. I'm almost scared to trust it though. Is that silly? Maybe it's just past experience, but I can tend to get almost suspicious when too many good things start happening and maybe I even look for someone to come along and pull the rug out from under my feet. Why is that? Maybe this time I just need to ride this wave for all it's worth and just be happy in the moment. Right here. Right now. Things are good right now. Maybe I should just make that enough,

"So Leisa, what's happening that's so great?"

I'm glad you asked.

1. Sarah is home.
2. We have found the most fabulous chiropractor. This is a BIG thing. After years and years of the false belief that people with bone dysplasia (or a dwarfing condition) should avoid chiropractors like the plague we have discovered that it's not all "bone cracking" and contorting the body into uncomfortable pretzel-like shapes, but is gentle and brings about a sense of wellbeing and relief from stress.
3. My son Tim has an interview for some work experience down at our local Coles Supermarket. This is happening right at this very minute. There is a chance that this will lead to paid employment but even if it doesn't at least it will give him a foot in the door, some experience and a reference for his resume.
4. Tim is also going for his Learners Permit on Friday. Another great step towards his independence.
5. I have a job interview on Friday at a new childcare centre opening up in my local area. I'm feeling kind of confident about this as it's a centre being set up by my church. I submitted my resume to the director this morning (she has never met me) and within 2 minutes of driving down the road she called me and asked me if I could come in for an interview on Friday. I am hoping beyond hope that I'm selected as I am really passionate about Early Childhood (I'm trained) and I am desperate to work in my local area rather than commute into the city for an hour every day.
6. My parents are back home after eight months of being on the road. All is well with the world again.

So! They are the good things happening right now. Please God! Just let it all keep happening. We need a break. We really do. Just a little break. Huh?

In any case, I'm choosing to look for happiness. I'm not looking for happiness as my goal. I choose happiness, despite uncertainty, despite worry, despite everything. It's a choice and I choose it. I'm not going to deny the stresses because they are there. I'm not going to pretend things are all hunky dory when they're not, but I am going to look for the calm, peaceful bits in the storm so that the storm isn't so hard to weather.

What? Thursday already?

This week has gone by so quickly. I thought it would drag seeing that I had most of last week off with the lurgy, but it has gone by incredibly fast to the point where I can't quite remember what I've been up to. I know there were school runs and lots of work to do involving my workplace's Annual General Meeting coming up next Monday. I know there was a chiropractic appointment because that only happened yesterday. I also know there was a lot of waiting around in traffic jams on the joke that is the Monash "Freeway". Don't let me get on my high horse ranting about living in the fastest growing area in Australia and not having the infrastructure to cope. Don't let me rant about Eastlink being so expensive to use that no one uses it which is why the Monash is so gridlocked......

No...I promise I won't rant about it!

Lucky I have had my brother's collection of Tom Petty CD's to keep me company. Lane has let me borrow his entire collection, which amounts to a total of about 20 CD's. He wants me to become more acquainted with the legend that is Tom Petty and so far I'm loving every note. Lane has these phases where he becomes obsessively interested in a particular artist and buys all the CD's, reads autobiographies and interviews with the artist so that he can learn more about the music. Lane's a bit of a musician himself, playing keyboard (self taught), guitar and drums (also self taught). I used to be in awe of him when we were children. Only Lane could listen to a particular song at church, come home and start playing it on the keyboard without being able to read a note of music. He can read music now, but I'm sure he plays a lot of music by ear.

Tomorrow I'm driving up to Ballarat for the day. (more Tom Petty!) My daughter Sarah, who has been a student in Ballarat this year, has to move out of her student accommodation for the holidays and come back home for six weeks. I am excited about this. It will be wonderful to have her home again, although I am also kind of expecting it to be different now because she has been living on her own for the year and will have developed independence and her own way of doing things which may be completely different to my own. I think things will be fine for the most part, but I expect that there will be a period of adjustment for all of us. Still, I can't wait to have her home.

I'm still crocheting. I haven't been able to do as much as I would like but it's progressing. I'm enjoying it so much that I want to crochet my girls a Granny Square Afghan each for Christmas - so I'd best get cracking!

I hope everyone else out there has had a good week!

My weekend in pictures (and words!)

What  a weekend I had! Despite the fact that I was still recovering from my lurgy (which is still hanging on by the way. I have a killer deep, throaty voice to the point I could hire myself out as one of "those" phone operators!) I had a busy, fun-filled weekend.

It started on Saturday morning when I took Georgia down to have her nose pierced....

Behind that pink door was where the action was happening!

Ta-dah!

Yes, I let my 15 and a half year old daughter to have her nose (tastefully) pierced. If she asked for her eyebrow, lip, Monroe or anything else (other than her ears) pierced the answer would have been different. She is very happy with it and said she expected a lot of pain but was pleasantly surprised by how quick and relatively pain-free it was. (but then again, this kid has had both her legs broken in two places TWICE so she knows what pain is!)

On Sunday the four of us headed down to the beach....just because we could.

Beach boxes at Mt Martha - our favorite beach.

Yes....it was windy!

The day was not yet over. Later on that evening I headed down to my brother Lane's place and, together with his lovely wife Geraldine and my gorgeous niece Erica we went to the Mornington Racecourse.........

Lane, Geraldine and Erica

To see..........

Dave Stewart (ex-Eurythmics for those of you who missed the 80's and have no idea who this talented man is!)

He doesn't sing much...lets the "backing vocalists" do it for him. She was brilliant! If I remember correctly they're doing "Sweet Dreams (are made of this)" here.

He may not sing much but he can sure play a guitar!

AND

I was 2m away from her!!! (she's so little)

"Edge of Seventeen" - one of the many fantastic songs she performed.

STEVIE NICKS!

Lane and I were just blown away by the fact that a big name star was playing at the Mornington Racecourse - locally! It was freezing cold (and Stevie went without her traditional many costume changes due to the weather) but we didn't care. Lane and I would sit through a snow storm to see Stevie.

Going to see Dave and Stevie meant that I spent money I really shouldn't have but.....gosh it was worth it! I spent time with people I loved, I drank a little too much wine, I sang songs I loved, I danced......and all of a sudden I knew I was going to be ok. There is still so much life to be had.....so many things to see, appreciate and enjoy.

Music has always done that for me. Musicians and songwriters express things for me that I am unable to articulate. Listening to other people's music and singing their lyrics helps me to express and release emotions and thoughts that I can't seem to do on my own. Sitting at that concert I felt such a sense of calm and positivity. All was well....and that feeling has continued into this week so far.

I am ok.

Catching up whilst resting

Hi everyone,

I really do need to get back onto this blogging business and get serious. I'd love to blog every day but with the lack of my own computer I'm kind of limited to using my iPhone or my work computer.

This week I have been at home with a virus. For the first time ever I have chosen not to just soldier on but have been kind to myself and my body and stayed home. Oh yes, the guilt is hounding me with it's accusations of, "You're not that sick. You could get to work!" but with a stuffy head, constantly sniffing and sneezing and coughing I decided to be a bit selfish and not share my germs with my work colleagues.

So, what's been happening here on Another Level?

It would have been my 24th wedding anniversary on Monday. I was kind of conflicted. On one hand I wanted him to text me and mention it, on the other hand I didn't because...well...what's there to celebrate or mention? I wanted it to matter to him I guess. The day went by without a mention from anyone...and I survived...and was kind of peaceful even. The next day was Tuesday and I stayed at home due to being sick. He came over for some reason...and said, "You should do something good for yourself today." "Why?" I asked....then I realised...he thought our anniversary was Tuesday.  I just said, "No, that was yesterday," and left it at that. He'd gotten his days mixed up. *shrugs*

I'm doing ok. I find that the less I see him the easier it gets. It's not that I don't want to see him. I still love the guy, but I now know that this really is over and I do better if I remain separate from him. Falling in love with someone is easy. Nobody ever tells you that trying not to be in love with them is one of the hardest things; that trying to finish off your life together is like an amputation.

Yesterday I officially became the registered owner of my first car. Yes! I now actually own a car! It's in MY name! After over 26 years of driving I can finally say that I own a car! With the separation, one of our cars was transfered into my name yesterday. I have to admit ro being a tad excited about this, and for some reason, the car that I usually see as sometimes temperamental and heavy to drive, became special to me...because she's officially mine!

Whilst having time off I have been crocheting like mad, making up Granny Squares. So far I have 20 squares done in white, deep pink, black and light pink. I'm pretty proud of them. Today Chloe and I went to Spotlight and she picked out some colors for her own crochet afghan.

Chloe likes earthy colours.

I'm currently learning how to connect all the ones I have already done in white, pink, black and light pink. I love crochet. It's quick and easy and you can create something really beautiful in a relatively short amount of time.

I had wonderful news today. After 221 days on the road and 24,390km, my parents are back home! I am so happy. I've missed them so much since they left in April. All of a sudden the world seems like it's finally going to get back to normal again.

Sometimes I feel kind of strange, still needing the comforting presence of my parents. I mean for goodness sake, I'm in my mid-40's for crying out loud. But need them I do. They seem to be an anchor in a world that doesn't make much sense to me sometimes.

Anti Bullying Week

It's Anti-Bullying Week so I thought I'd use my blog to bring some awareness as Cherie has done.

I have never been physically bullied, despite the fact that when you look at me I would be a prime target for physical bullying. I am eternally grateful for that.

I also feel that, for the most part, I had a really good life - maybe you might even call it "sheltered". My childhood was spent in little country towns where everyone knew everyone, our parents all went to school together and we all kind of looked out for each other. Primary school was fine for me....or maybe it's because I can only remember a lot of good stuff...like my Grade 3 teacher who would make me the captain of the Rounders Team or the cricket team so that I would get to choose a team, rather than ALWAYS be the kid who was chosen last because I was the littlest and (perhaps) least sporty. If anything I was possibly sometimes even babied and over-protected by the bigger kids. Sometimes I would be called "Shorty" but that memory doesn't bring any pain...so no, in Primary School I think I had it pretty good.

However, there were things that were said and done when I got older. Sometimes it can take just one incident to scar a person for life....and, as the banner says at the top of this post, words can hurt. But so too can silence...and it was the silence of a friend that hurt even more than the bullying words that were said.

In Year 9 at High School (so I was 14 I guess) I had a friend I simply adored. I would have done anything for her. She had a boyfriend who, in my mind at the time, was a bit of a dropkick. One day the three of us (I can't remember anyone else being there) were sitting in the library. For some reason, Dropkick started on me...

"You are so ugly."

"You have the body of a girl but the arms and legs and head of a boy."

"You look like something that belongs in the abortion bin."

And on....and on....and on he went.

And my "best" friend just sat there and let her boyfriend say these things...

And she laughed...

I walked out crying.

And she still continued to go out with him.

In my darkest times these words have echoed in my head.

Bullying in childhood and teen years is awful. It really is. However the bullying I absolutely cannot understand is when it happens in adulthood - you know, the years between say, 18 to 110.

I think that's where I've been the recipient of the most bullying.

Bullying can also come in the form of rumors and gossip...and the sad part is that it is usually within groups that this kind of behaviour happens - craft groups, sporting groups, church groups, support groups - places you go where you're supposed to feel like a part of something or feel supported by the people within. And when you're the subject of rumor and gossip it is so devastating and damaging.

However!!!

Triumph happens when you rise above it. When you can continue to hold your head high because YOU know the TRUTH...and the people that really matter know the truth. Triumph happens when you allow your circumstances and these negative events to shape you into a better and stronger person, when you can still act with graciousness towards people who, quite frankly, don't deserve it. Triumph happens when you will stand up for your children and teach them to stand up for themselves, not to REact, but to be PROACTIVE when it comes to dealing with a bully, whoever they may be....and sometimes a bully can be someone that's really close to you...someone who professes to love you even.

Which brings me to the question? Does a bully always know they're being one?

No, I don't tolerate bullying in any way, shape or form. I too, celebrate that we're all different and I see differences as an opportunity to learn something new, to expand my way of thinking. I don't think people are strange if they like different things, if they would prefer to do Maths for fun, or collect business cards, or believe that slapping two fish together whilst chanting can bring about spiritual enlightenment....they are just DIFFERENT to me! Difference is good.

Let's celebrate it!

Progression of a storm

Yesterday Melbourne was it's normal, wonderful, unpredictable, changeable self. I love my city so much. I love it that you really can't guarantee what you're going to get. Yesterday the weather forecasters were forecasting violent storms in the late afternoon.

"What???" said I at 4:45pm. "Surely not! Look at it! It's beautiful!"

"Hmm...maybe I spoke a little too soon!" (around 6pm)

Here it comes!

It was kind of cool watching it coming closer and closer, faster and faster.

It looked as though it was going to get nasty. (I love this shot. Kind of gives you the impression that the funnel of a twister is going to drop any moment!)

...but all we got was some lovely, grumbly thunder, some flashes of lightning and some lovely soaking rain.

Other suburbs weren't so lucky.

(all photos taken on my iPhone using instagram)

Wordless Wednesday - It's almost Summer!

I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait! - Billy Thorpe

Playing along with My Little Drummer Boys and Faith, Hope & a whole lotta love for Wordless Wednesday.

Early/Late Grateful, but grateful all the same!

I have to say that I am grateful for bloggers. You guys/gals. I am grateful for the internet where people share all kinds of things, their stories, their talents, their recipes, themselves. Over the past month or so I have tried recipes, gained inspiration from secondhand finds and learned new skills.

Yesterday I made Hedgehog Slice - thanks to Frog, Goose & Bear. Hedgehog used to be my most favorite sweet when I was a child. Despite this, I've never made it so when Emma posted the recipe the other day I just HAD to make it....and it was just as delicious as I remembered!

All weekend I have been crocheting Granny Squares - thanks to Craftyminx. Finding Craftyminx's Crochet School and following along has been wonderful. I've wanted to know how to crochet properly for such a long time - specifically so that I can make a proper crochet afghan with Granny Squares. I made one when I was ten. My best friend at the time and I taught ourselves. I still have mine and I love it, complete with it's myriad of mistakes.

This time I want to know how to do it properly and make something truly beautiful. I find that when I am really struggling as I have been lately I feel the need to create something beautiful as part of my healing. It really helped me after 9/11. My husband and I watched the events unfold live on television. I was working on a quilt wallhanging at the time and I found that the actual making of the quilt was very therapeutic and healing after witnessing such a traumatic event. So....I've decided to crochet a Granny Square afghan so that I have something beautiful to focus on.


I have big plans for these little babies!

They are so quick and easy to make. I have plans to make one for each of my children too, in their favorite colours.
I also gained inspiration from Cherie, who filled her house with flowers from the supermarket to give her something beautiful to look at despite the pain of loss. Yesterday I bought a $5 bunch of flowers from the fruit and vegetable market. They are colourful and sunny and make me smile when I look at them sitting on my kitchen table. They also remind me to think of Cherie and her family during this time....

So...I'm grateful for you people of the blogosphere. You inspire me.

Postcards from the edge

Firstly, no this is not an original title. I've snaffled it from Carrie Fisher. I've never read her book, but right now I feel the need to seeing it has a pretty nifty title and pretty much describes where I'm at right now. I'm no longer going to even try to pretend that I'm in a good spot. I'm not even close. Therefore, right now I feel that I need to use this little blog to send out postcards from the edge into the ether that is the www. This is also a pretty brave move on my part as I've just advertised my little spot in cyberspace in the SSPA (Short Statured People of Australia) Journal, so I'm kind of expecting an influx of new readers who may actually know me in real life.I'm conflicted by this. Will they read? What if no one reads? What if they hate what they read? What on earth am I thinking letting people I actually know read my musings? What if people get hurt by what I write? What if.........

In any case, I'm blogging on regardless. I'm continuing to send out postcards from the edge into the ether of the www.

I went to church today, specifically because my friend Pam was speaking. I'd heard whispers that she was speaking about anxiety, but later learned that she was touching on anxiety, depression and suicide. I kind of think I was meant to be there this morning. She did a great job, regardless of the fact that she text me last night and said, "I'm speaking on anxiety tomorrow but the thought of doing it is making me anxious!" I tried to lighten the mood for her a bit by telling her that because she was speaking I was actually going to show up but make it my job to sit in the back and heckle her. She said I could...as long as I also threw chocolate. I did neither, however I did listen intently.

Everything she said I already knew, however for some reason it was comforting having her say it. I already knew that the first thing a person who is struggling does is isolate themselves...because that's my first instinct. For some reason though, Pam saying that today had a little more impact on me. I don't know why. Maybe it's been because I've been feeling so alone lately....especially after going to the wedding last weekend. Being at my (ex) sister-in-laws wedding was so hard as I really felt I no longer belonged now that I really believe that my husband and I have separated for good this time, All of a sudden I just felt so isolated and alone standing there on the edge at the back. That feeling has persisted.

But it's been like that for a while now. Over the past decade I've felt like everything has just been stripped away - well, everything I ever believed in and relied upon anyway. Friends have disappeared and friendships have dissolved, family seems a little disjointed and distant, my children are growing up and moving out. All of a sudden I don't know what my place is anymore and what to do next. To top it all off, the face in the mirror that looks back of me is one of an old, tired stranger and I find myself asking, "When did that happen?"

I also realise that some of the alone-ness has been my doing. In my confused, sad, angry and depressed state I have pushed people away and isolated myself for fear that my continuing neediness and depression would eventually wear them out and they would leave me. I know that's been confusing for people and eventually, some have given up and left me to my own devices. I don't blame them for it.

For some reason though, Pam has hung in there. We don't see each other often, but when we do we just take up where we left off. I can tell her anything and everything and she never gets shocked, never judges, speaks the truth in love. At the moment, apart from my sister Serrin, she's about all I've got. I told her that today.

So, where am I going with all of this? I realised today I need to start getting involved with other people again. I need to get myself out of isolation and reaching out. I need to stop fearing rejection and accept peoples offers of friendship and coffee and invitations. I need to become interested in what's happening, rather than be caught up in just surviving, putting one foot in front of the other trying to get through another day.

As a result, I signed up for Ladies Camp next weekend. At first, the thought of it was making me anxious but Pam suggested I just come up for the Saturday and all of a sudden it didn't seem so scary. When I said I'd go all of a sudden my heart lifted with a bit of hope. Who knows what's around the corner? Maybe instead of sending out postcards from the edge I might start sending out postcards from right there in the middle, in the thick of things. A place that might just be fun and exciting and full of life!

Do I dare open myself up again and start taking risks again? Maybe I should.

Stories from Way Back When - In which she is sent to school

*Just a word about my Nanna's religious fervor before I get into this post. I was driving home the other day and wondered about the pastors, evangelists and teachers who prayed for me during those early years. I wonder if they too, thought that this was something that God simply wasn't going to do? I wonder if their job was simply to pray as asked, responding to my Nanna's faith, rather than their own personal beliefs? For the first time in my life I really wondered about the pressure that these men and women of faith were under. They must have been caught between a rock and a hard place sometimes. If they talked to Nanna about acceptance of my condition then (knowing my Nanna) she would have possibly judged them for not having enough faith in God. Hmm....interesting thoughts!*

Life progressed pretty much on schedule for me. Some children born with achondroplasia have physical developmental delays. It is not unusual for a child with achondroplasia not to walk until they are two years old, even later. Not me. I walked at thirteen months.



I'm not 13 months old here but I think this one of me investigating something in the grass is pretty cute!

 Soon it came time to send me off to Kindergarten (pre-school). I took to Kindergarten like a duck to water. Living in a small, country town had its advantages and I was already well-known. I assimilated into the group well and did everything all the other children did - the only babying I received was when all the other children were expected to say "Thank you" and I was allowed to say "Ta". I have no idea why. I was a very articulate child! My teachers helped me reach things like the painting easel and the bathroom sink by placing one of the large blocks in front for me to stand on.




There I am! Front and almost centre, looking very serious. To the left is my best friend Adine, who will later have an important role to play in my smooth transition to school!



Adine and I in an egg and spoon race with a couple of our other Kinder friends.


My parents were very good with cutting the apron strings and letting me be just a regular little girl and playing just like other children. Sometimes when your child is born with any kind of difference there is a tendency to want to hover and protect them, being scared that they're going to hurt themselves seriously. Trust me, the potential was always there. Being very top heavy meant that I was prone to falls and when I did, my very short arms didn't allow me to break my fall, so my head would hit the deck first. I am sure that my forehead was perpetually a varying shade of new and healing bruises. My mother remembers a time where we were all at some kind of social gathering and I was outside with all the other children playing as per usual. One of the mothers came up to my mother and said, "Excuse me, but your little girl is outside with the other children!" to which my mother replied, "Yes, I know. She's perfectly fine."

The only thing that was a bit of an issue regarding me starting school was the toilet and managing my own self care. Everything else was all ready. I was smart (having already read something from the newspaper before even starting school!), I was social, I had the school bag....

Me with my brothers - Nathan (left) and Lane.

...the only problem was that I was unable to....hmm...how do we put this delicately? Nope! We can't. I was unable to wipe my bottom. My arms just couldn't reach. Doing a wee was fine, but Number 2's? Nope!
Lucky for me I was pretty "regular" so my mother would put me on the toilet before we left for school in the morning, I'd do what I had to do, Mum would attend to my needs and I'd be right until I got home in the afternoon.

One day, this didn't happen and I went off to school withough my regular morning toilet sit. When I got home, my mother asked how my day was. "Oh it was fine!" I said. "I had to do a poo at school today, but it was ok....Adine wiped my bottom for me!" My mother roared with laughter when she heard this apparently. Adine and I were just like two little old ladies when we were together and the thought of the two of us in the toilets together doing what needed to be done amused her to no end. I think it was possibly at that point where she knew that I would always find a way to get something done...even if it meant relying on my best friend to help.

Wordless Wednesday - friends.

It is amazing meeting an online friend for the first time. The ease that comes from already knowing all the basics is great.

Joining up with Faith Hope & a whole lotta Love and My Little Drummer Boys for Wordless Wednesday.