It's funny that after 25 years we are still negotiating our own Christmas traditions. Actually, sometimes it's not funny. Sometimes it can still be a minefield. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's because our memories of Christmas in our childhoods are filled with so many significant events, memories that are still precious and important and we are both sometimes unwilling to let them go. We want to recreate what was so precious to the both of us and neither of the recreations can exist in its own fullness without the deaths of some parts of the other's recreation.
I get nervous. I think maybe I am the one more willing to let mine go...locking my memories away in the box of yesteryear. They will always remain valid and real and precious, so I am content having them at rest in the memory box. Instead, I am concentrating more on the things that make it significant and memorable for my kids and participate in their creations with gusto. It seems we have two set-in-stone traditions now. The first is decorating the Tree. We put on a specific Bing Crosby CD and start decorating - I assemble the tree and put on the lights and tinsel and then everyone hangs the baubles together. We sing, we laugh, we all exclaim how quickly the year has flown, we tell jokes and reminisce about some of the decorations from over the years.
That is Tradition #1.
The other is the annual drive-around-the-streets-looking-at-the-Christmas-Lights. We did it last night in the pouring rain. We've had a lot of rain all throughout December so the house lights are a little scarce this year. Still, it was nice. We all get an attack of the sillies when driving around. I don't know why this is. Maybe the excitement that Christmas is coming. One of the kids said last night that it really feels like Christmas when we do the drive around the streets.
That is Tradition #2.
Still, there is the tension that exists between the two of us where Christmas has to be "just so". I am learning how to negotiate this time. My strategy is to just let my agendas go and concentrate on what's important to this family. I don't want my kids remembering a mother who was hell-bent on getting her own way that she forgot what was important to them. I don't know how to do "his" Christmas and I find myself feeling awfully inadequate sometimes because I simply can't provide an ample bounty of decorations, food, people coming in and out delivering well wishes and blessings. There has been times where he has been frustrated because there are things we haven't got that "every other normal family has."
Sometimes you have to just let your own memories go and work at creating new ones with the people you are with today. If you don't, you may just miss out one some of the richness that is already around you and rob others of the right to create their own traditions.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Anonymity
Anonymity....being anonymous. It is a gift. Embrace it.
Being invisible...blending in...not standing out in a crowd. Do you have any idea how much I envy you for it?
I guess a lot of people would love to have people notice them, to stand out in a crowd, to have people call out their name, to have people know who they are.
Not me. I crave being invisible. I crave blending in. I long to be just another face in the crowd, nothing different, nothing special.
I don't want random tourists to take photos. I don't want post work/school stories, "Hey honey! Guess what I saw today!"
I don't want blogs to be written about me...
Not that this one is about me, but you get the picture.....
There! It's out there now.
Being invisible...blending in...not standing out in a crowd. Do you have any idea how much I envy you for it?
I guess a lot of people would love to have people notice them, to stand out in a crowd, to have people call out their name, to have people know who they are.
Not me. I crave being invisible. I crave blending in. I long to be just another face in the crowd, nothing different, nothing special.
I don't want random tourists to take photos. I don't want post work/school stories, "Hey honey! Guess what I saw today!"
I don't want blogs to be written about me...
Not that this one is about me, but you get the picture.....
There! It's out there now.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
The Pact
He and I seem to have this pact.
Do not acknowledge each other.
Under any circumstance.
I don't know why this is. It's stupid really. We even live in the same neighbourhood; around the corner in fact. We went to the same church. We went to the same school for a while.
We went out....but when I say we went out, I mean we went to see Ghostbusters together. He asked me if I'd like to go to the movies. I said yes. We went.
We didn't "go out" in "that" sense.
After the movies he called me. Asked me out again. Asked me if I wanted to go to someone's birthday. I wasn't sure. It was all just too weird for my liking.
He went away...enlisted in the Navy. He'd write to me. I'd write to him. In letters I was able to tell him things I couldn't say to his face. I've always been like that. The written word is easier. I also hate the phone. Please send me an email instead of calling me.
See, at the time I was seeing someone else. I felt comfortable with the guy I was seeing. He was just like me. It was easy to believe that I was accepted if the guy I was seeing was just like me.
But this guy...he was.....normal (for want of a better word)......and I had always been led to believe that if a "normal" guy showed an interest in me then his motives should be questioned.
Question him I did.
He was kind of pissed off I think...that I was suspicious of his motives. He pretty much indicated that I was the one who had the problem with my difference, not him.
On reflection, and with the passage of time, I can see he had a valid point.
One day a letter arrived from him. A letter that contained photographs of him in his navy uniform.
That was the letter I never answered. It was all too much. You don't send photos of yourself to a girl if you don't have some kind of interest. It freaked me out.
Since then we have never spoken.
We seem to have this unspoken pact.
Do not acknowledge each other.
Under any circumstance.
Do not acknowledge each other.
Under any circumstance.
I don't know why this is. It's stupid really. We even live in the same neighbourhood; around the corner in fact. We went to the same church. We went to the same school for a while.
We went out....but when I say we went out, I mean we went to see Ghostbusters together. He asked me if I'd like to go to the movies. I said yes. We went.
We didn't "go out" in "that" sense.
After the movies he called me. Asked me out again. Asked me if I wanted to go to someone's birthday. I wasn't sure. It was all just too weird for my liking.
He went away...enlisted in the Navy. He'd write to me. I'd write to him. In letters I was able to tell him things I couldn't say to his face. I've always been like that. The written word is easier. I also hate the phone. Please send me an email instead of calling me.
See, at the time I was seeing someone else. I felt comfortable with the guy I was seeing. He was just like me. It was easy to believe that I was accepted if the guy I was seeing was just like me.
But this guy...he was.....normal (for want of a better word)......and I had always been led to believe that if a "normal" guy showed an interest in me then his motives should be questioned.
Question him I did.
He was kind of pissed off I think...that I was suspicious of his motives. He pretty much indicated that I was the one who had the problem with my difference, not him.
On reflection, and with the passage of time, I can see he had a valid point.
One day a letter arrived from him. A letter that contained photographs of him in his navy uniform.
That was the letter I never answered. It was all too much. You don't send photos of yourself to a girl if you don't have some kind of interest. It freaked me out.
Since then we have never spoken.
We seem to have this unspoken pact.
Do not acknowledge each other.
Under any circumstance.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Gallantry?
It was dark. She had been away all day...going to a destination she had never been before. It meant two trains, a bus and doing it all again in reverse to come home again. Her mobile phone was out of battery charge. She called from a public phone, "I'll be at the station at 9:23pm," she said. "Can you come and pick me up?"
Of course I would pick her up. Being stranded at that station at that time of the night was a dangerous situation to be in.
I managed to get to the station just as the train was pulling in. I watched from the station house as she was helped off the train and get into the glass lift that would get her off the platform. I was nervous too. A gang of young men were loitering in the station.
Finally we were together and we made our way to the car, talking loudly to keep the nervousness at bay.
I noticed we were being followed by a lone figure.
We continued talking, but walked at a slightly quicker pace.
Just as we drew up to our car I heard a deep voice behind us.
"Hello."
My heartbeat quickened. I reached for my car keys.
"Do you ladies need some company?"
No thank you. We're fine.
He continued walking.
We breathed a sigh of relief.
The sad thing is that maybe he was concerned that there were two women walking in the dark near the train station. Maybe he had concerns for our safety. Maybe he wanted to accompany us to our destination to make sure we reached it without mishap.
We will never know because we had already reached the sanctuary of the car and we needed to go no further.
I think it's sad that we as human beings have a tendency to suspect the worst in a stranger in an unfamiliar and scary situation. He really could have been a protector.
However what if we did have a little further to go and we did allow him to accompany us and the worst did happen?
We will never know.
I do like to think he was being gallant....but that's easy to think from the safety of my computer chair.....
Of course I would pick her up. Being stranded at that station at that time of the night was a dangerous situation to be in.
I managed to get to the station just as the train was pulling in. I watched from the station house as she was helped off the train and get into the glass lift that would get her off the platform. I was nervous too. A gang of young men were loitering in the station.
Finally we were together and we made our way to the car, talking loudly to keep the nervousness at bay.
I noticed we were being followed by a lone figure.
We continued talking, but walked at a slightly quicker pace.
Just as we drew up to our car I heard a deep voice behind us.
"Hello."
My heartbeat quickened. I reached for my car keys.
"Do you ladies need some company?"
No thank you. We're fine.
He continued walking.
We breathed a sigh of relief.
The sad thing is that maybe he was concerned that there were two women walking in the dark near the train station. Maybe he had concerns for our safety. Maybe he wanted to accompany us to our destination to make sure we reached it without mishap.
We will never know because we had already reached the sanctuary of the car and we needed to go no further.
I think it's sad that we as human beings have a tendency to suspect the worst in a stranger in an unfamiliar and scary situation. He really could have been a protector.
However what if we did have a little further to go and we did allow him to accompany us and the worst did happen?
We will never know.
I do like to think he was being gallant....but that's easy to think from the safety of my computer chair.....
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Familiarity
The Kids Hospital has been like a second home. As much as we've hated it sometimes, it became a place of familiarity and comfort. Sometimes I'd forget that my child was amongst the countless thousands of faces the specialists would see because most of the team looking after us treated us with care, dignity and respect. We'd have our jokes together and laugh, despite some of the serious issues we all had to face together. Maybe that's what drew us all closer somehow. Sharing in traumatic experiences, even with surgeons, can draw people closer.
Over 25 years we come to know "The Kids" like the back of our hand. We knew where most things were. We knew our way around. We knew where to get a good coffee, where we were welcomed to come in and say hi and have a chat even if we didn't have an appointment. We knew where to go when we needed respite from sitting by bedsides, where we would meet new parents embarking on the same journey. As much as we sometimes hated going there, it became a sanctuary.
However, now we have had to move on. Most of them are no longer children. I only have one now who will visit those familiar halls and rooms. The others have moved into the world of the adult clinic at a completely different hospital. Today we had our first visit. It was unfamiliar, disconcerting. We didn't walk through the halls with confidence. She was unsure, I was unsure. Next week we will meet with the specialist there. Interestingly enough, he is someone we knew from "The Kids". He has an adult clinic at this new hospital. Knowing that is a relief. We won't be embarking on a whole new journey. There will be someone there who is familiar, who will help her with this transition into the adult medical world.
One day these new halls will be familiar. One day we will go there and feel safe. One day we will greet familiar faces, know where things are and where to go to get good coffee.
I'm kind of looking forward to that day.
Over 25 years we come to know "The Kids" like the back of our hand. We knew where most things were. We knew our way around. We knew where to get a good coffee, where we were welcomed to come in and say hi and have a chat even if we didn't have an appointment. We knew where to go when we needed respite from sitting by bedsides, where we would meet new parents embarking on the same journey. As much as we sometimes hated going there, it became a sanctuary.
However, now we have had to move on. Most of them are no longer children. I only have one now who will visit those familiar halls and rooms. The others have moved into the world of the adult clinic at a completely different hospital. Today we had our first visit. It was unfamiliar, disconcerting. We didn't walk through the halls with confidence. She was unsure, I was unsure. Next week we will meet with the specialist there. Interestingly enough, he is someone we knew from "The Kids". He has an adult clinic at this new hospital. Knowing that is a relief. We won't be embarking on a whole new journey. There will be someone there who is familiar, who will help her with this transition into the adult medical world.
One day these new halls will be familiar. One day we will go there and feel safe. One day we will greet familiar faces, know where things are and where to go to get good coffee.
I'm kind of looking forward to that day.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Stumbling
Neglected little blogspot this is.
Stumbling about in the dark is never fun. Stumbling about in an uncharted dark place is even less fun. As of today I have turned back towards the light of a place I don't particularly want to be in but there seems to be no alternative. The small sanctuary I found actually belongs to someone else and I can't stay there. I wish I could...even though it was unfamiliar and strange and I wasn't sure of the boundaries...but it was a place to escape to and explore this new, dark, uncharted terrain and start drawing up my own maps.
Stumbling about in the dark is never fun. Stumbling about in an uncharted dark place is even less fun. As of today I have turned back towards the light of a place I don't particularly want to be in but there seems to be no alternative. The small sanctuary I found actually belongs to someone else and I can't stay there. I wish I could...even though it was unfamiliar and strange and I wasn't sure of the boundaries...but it was a place to escape to and explore this new, dark, uncharted terrain and start drawing up my own maps.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Lioness
When does the lioness instinct of a mother fade away?
Sometimes I wish it would.
When does the urge to protect them from physical, emotional and mental harm become less and you just let them fight their own battles, self soothe and move on?
Things happen to my kids....some small things that I can talk them through, let them work it out and move on. Then there are the bigger things that wake the lioness in me and I just want to roar and hit out and go into the battleground and fight for them, protect them, keep them safe from harm and damage.
I also recognise with these bigger things that happen there is an element that awakens my own pain...things that have happened to me where I never took the opportunity to fight back....or where no one stood in the gap for me and fought for my cause - where someone who was supposed to be a friend stood there and laughed along with the bullies, or a parent didn't step in and bring a situation up with teachers.
I at least want my children to know that their pain mattered to their mother.
But sometimes, in the midst of their pain, they say to me, "Let me handle this Mum." and I have to back off and let them work out their own solution. It doesn't stop the lioness roaring from the sidelines, wanting to leap in and rip and kill and maim with cutting words.
She hurts today.
I hurt for her today.
Sometimes I wish it would.
When does the urge to protect them from physical, emotional and mental harm become less and you just let them fight their own battles, self soothe and move on?
Things happen to my kids....some small things that I can talk them through, let them work it out and move on. Then there are the bigger things that wake the lioness in me and I just want to roar and hit out and go into the battleground and fight for them, protect them, keep them safe from harm and damage.
I also recognise with these bigger things that happen there is an element that awakens my own pain...things that have happened to me where I never took the opportunity to fight back....or where no one stood in the gap for me and fought for my cause - where someone who was supposed to be a friend stood there and laughed along with the bullies, or a parent didn't step in and bring a situation up with teachers.
I at least want my children to know that their pain mattered to their mother.
But sometimes, in the midst of their pain, they say to me, "Let me handle this Mum." and I have to back off and let them work out their own solution. It doesn't stop the lioness roaring from the sidelines, wanting to leap in and rip and kill and maim with cutting words.
She hurts today.
I hurt for her today.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Who was it?
Today is our 23rd wedding anniversary. We decided that our weekend away last week was our gift to each other so today has been pretty low key. Actually we attended a rally in the city called Access For Everybody, which was basically a peaceful rally that demonstrated the need for an injection of funds by the Minister for the Arts into the artistic sector for people with disabilities. There were a number of performers and speakers, including the Hon Peter Batchelor and the Bipolar Bears. It was a great turn out. Here's hoping Mr Batchelor commits to some serious money!
Anyone here in Melbourne should go and check them out at a venue near you!
Soooooo.....this isn't really what this blog is about.
I've been thinking a lot about something my friend Carly put in an email following she and her husbands experiences of being pregnant with a baby with a lethal genetic condition and their decision not to continue with the pregnancy. It was a really eloquent email, even though it was raw and heartfelt. I am honored to be one of the people she chose to share their experience with, even though it brought me pain, confusion and questions.
One of the things she and her husband have been dreading are the platitudes people tend to offer after such a sad event. Carly was saying that she doesn't want to hear, "It was God's will." In her email she simply said, "It wasn't God's will. It was genetics." Once upon a time I would have dared to disagree in my ignorance. Surely God would have had some will in there somewhere.
However, over the passage of time, God and I have come to some kind of understanding. Yes, I do believe in Him. I was raised in a Christian home so I was raised to believe. Over the years though, my understanding has changed a lot. A lot! He is not who I was led to believe He is. He is not what I thought He was.
I think I was led to believe that he was the Great Sugar Daddy in the Sky. That's how I saw Him anyway. Need something, pray for it. Follow His Laws and things will go well for you. Believe and it will all be not only pie in the sky when you die but steak on your plate while you wait. (yes, I actually heard that from the pulpit once.)
But it's not like that. Not by a long shot.
I've come to believe that God Himself set in place the Laws of the Universe. He wrote them...and even though He wrote them and has the power to change them, He won't. He won't violate his own laws. So, I agree with Carly. It wasn't God, it was genetics. He just let natural law play out.
No, sometimes we don't like it. Sometimes the consequences of the natural outworking of these natural laws bring about pain and intense suffering...but it's the way of life and the way things happen. Too quickly we look for Someone or Something to blame. I know I did. I demanded to know why The Great Sugar Daddy didn't make it all good because I prayed.
But He's not the Great Sugar Daddy. If he was, we'd all just be these spoiled, inconsiderate, ignorant creatures pawing and mewling for everything we can get. We wouldn't learn from pain and struggle because they wouldn't exist. God Himself would be violating his own laws by running around making sure that all these little creatures He created were happy and healthy, pain free and getting everything we ever asked for. We'd learn nothing. We'd never grow and develop beyond infantile thinking.
I used to see God as The Great Sugar Daddy.He was supposed to fix everything. He was supposed to give my husband a job, give me healthy children, keep us financially stable, bless my family, my life and keep everyone safe. All I had to do was ask for it and believe for it. (as well as being faithful to Him and be a faithful, loving wife and mother.) But that didn't happen. None of it.. I didn't ask for much in the grand scheme of things, but none of it happened.
And I pouted and raged and threw tantrums.
I blamed God.
But it wasn't God.....not really.
It wasn't God, it was mental illness.
It wasn't God, genetics simply played out.
It wasn't God, but the consequence of unwise financial decisions.
It wasn't God but a combination of sexual addiction and mental illness.
Coming to this realisation and acceptance has been freeing. I've stopped looking for Someone to blame. I've stopped looking for the Great Sugar Daddy. I don't know how I view God. Sometimes I even question my belief in Him...but that's ok too. He's big enough to handle my doubt. Something keeps bringing me back to having a core faith. I'm yet to know the perametres of that faith, but I'm up for exploring. I realise that there's no one singular right way. I think there are elements of truth in all things. I'm more open to listening and am slow to judge. I don't pretend to know the "right" way. I refuse to accept everything I hear from the pulpit as pure gospel truth. I test it, weigh it, measure it. If it doesn't sit right, I shelve it.
No longer am I being told what to think. Instead, I am learning how to think. There's a big difference.
I like this place. It feels free.
Anyone here in Melbourne should go and check them out at a venue near you!
Soooooo.....this isn't really what this blog is about.
I've been thinking a lot about something my friend Carly put in an email following she and her husbands experiences of being pregnant with a baby with a lethal genetic condition and their decision not to continue with the pregnancy. It was a really eloquent email, even though it was raw and heartfelt. I am honored to be one of the people she chose to share their experience with, even though it brought me pain, confusion and questions.
One of the things she and her husband have been dreading are the platitudes people tend to offer after such a sad event. Carly was saying that she doesn't want to hear, "It was God's will." In her email she simply said, "It wasn't God's will. It was genetics." Once upon a time I would have dared to disagree in my ignorance. Surely God would have had some will in there somewhere.
However, over the passage of time, God and I have come to some kind of understanding. Yes, I do believe in Him. I was raised in a Christian home so I was raised to believe. Over the years though, my understanding has changed a lot. A lot! He is not who I was led to believe He is. He is not what I thought He was.
I think I was led to believe that he was the Great Sugar Daddy in the Sky. That's how I saw Him anyway. Need something, pray for it. Follow His Laws and things will go well for you. Believe and it will all be not only pie in the sky when you die but steak on your plate while you wait. (yes, I actually heard that from the pulpit once.)
But it's not like that. Not by a long shot.
I've come to believe that God Himself set in place the Laws of the Universe. He wrote them...and even though He wrote them and has the power to change them, He won't. He won't violate his own laws. So, I agree with Carly. It wasn't God, it was genetics. He just let natural law play out.
No, sometimes we don't like it. Sometimes the consequences of the natural outworking of these natural laws bring about pain and intense suffering...but it's the way of life and the way things happen. Too quickly we look for Someone or Something to blame. I know I did. I demanded to know why The Great Sugar Daddy didn't make it all good because I prayed.
But He's not the Great Sugar Daddy. If he was, we'd all just be these spoiled, inconsiderate, ignorant creatures pawing and mewling for everything we can get. We wouldn't learn from pain and struggle because they wouldn't exist. God Himself would be violating his own laws by running around making sure that all these little creatures He created were happy and healthy, pain free and getting everything we ever asked for. We'd learn nothing. We'd never grow and develop beyond infantile thinking.
I used to see God as The Great Sugar Daddy.He was supposed to fix everything. He was supposed to give my husband a job, give me healthy children, keep us financially stable, bless my family, my life and keep everyone safe. All I had to do was ask for it and believe for it. (as well as being faithful to Him and be a faithful, loving wife and mother.) But that didn't happen. None of it.. I didn't ask for much in the grand scheme of things, but none of it happened.
And I pouted and raged and threw tantrums.
I blamed God.
But it wasn't God.....not really.
It wasn't God, it was mental illness.
It wasn't God, genetics simply played out.
It wasn't God, but the consequence of unwise financial decisions.
It wasn't God but a combination of sexual addiction and mental illness.
Coming to this realisation and acceptance has been freeing. I've stopped looking for Someone to blame. I've stopped looking for the Great Sugar Daddy. I don't know how I view God. Sometimes I even question my belief in Him...but that's ok too. He's big enough to handle my doubt. Something keeps bringing me back to having a core faith. I'm yet to know the perametres of that faith, but I'm up for exploring. I realise that there's no one singular right way. I think there are elements of truth in all things. I'm more open to listening and am slow to judge. I don't pretend to know the "right" way. I refuse to accept everything I hear from the pulpit as pure gospel truth. I test it, weigh it, measure it. If it doesn't sit right, I shelve it.
No longer am I being told what to think. Instead, I am learning how to think. There's a big difference.
I like this place. It feels free.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Peace
Life has been somewhat peaceful of late. I think I've just had some internal resolutions happen for a while now. Things seem to be slowing down. I am taking the time to just observe life happening, listen to what's happening in my body and spirit, appreciate all the good things that I have.
And there are a lot of good things. I think the thing I have battled with the most is self doubt. It's starting to leave me now.
Funny thing now is that the diary space I created a while back now doesn't hold as much appeal to me anymore. I post a lot of pictures and some quick thoughts sometimes...or some daily happenings but nothing like I used to.
I am ok with that too. James said that I tended to use that space as a bit of therapy, a place to offload and vent. I don't seem to need to do that anymore. I like that.
James and I went away for the weekend as we planned. It was everything we could have possibly hoped for but then again I think we both went away with a positive and hopeful attitude and an intention to really connect. The weather was simply beautiful and we took every opportunity to get out in the warm sunshine and fresh air and just brush away the cobwebs of the city.
Honestly, it wouldn't have taken much for me to agree to staying of someone would have said, "Here! Live here. Work here. Enjoy the rest of your life here." I would have stayed. If they offered me the job as the local street sweeper I think I would have stayed.
The conversations we had were wonderful and productive...I mean really productive. I think we needed to just put down our defences and really listen. I certainly felt heard and I hope James did too.
I think maybe we need to take a little bit of the country back to suburbia with us. Is that possible? To create in our own back yard the feeling of beauty and space, the feeling that the world can be going along at it's breakneck pace beyond our fence, but in our yard and in our home is a sense of beauty and calm; a place where you can just relax and be.
And there are a lot of good things. I think the thing I have battled with the most is self doubt. It's starting to leave me now.
Funny thing now is that the diary space I created a while back now doesn't hold as much appeal to me anymore. I post a lot of pictures and some quick thoughts sometimes...or some daily happenings but nothing like I used to.
I am ok with that too. James said that I tended to use that space as a bit of therapy, a place to offload and vent. I don't seem to need to do that anymore. I like that.
James and I went away for the weekend as we planned. It was everything we could have possibly hoped for but then again I think we both went away with a positive and hopeful attitude and an intention to really connect. The weather was simply beautiful and we took every opportunity to get out in the warm sunshine and fresh air and just brush away the cobwebs of the city.
Honestly, it wouldn't have taken much for me to agree to staying of someone would have said, "Here! Live here. Work here. Enjoy the rest of your life here." I would have stayed. If they offered me the job as the local street sweeper I think I would have stayed.
The conversations we had were wonderful and productive...I mean really productive. I think we needed to just put down our defences and really listen. I certainly felt heard and I hope James did too.
I think maybe we need to take a little bit of the country back to suburbia with us. Is that possible? To create in our own back yard the feeling of beauty and space, the feeling that the world can be going along at it's breakneck pace beyond our fence, but in our yard and in our home is a sense of beauty and calm; a place where you can just relax and be.
These are the villas where we stayed.
The waterfall close by.
Walking along the track near the falls
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Trip down the highway to yesteryear
Here are some shots from my road trip last week.
Rolling green hills on a warm spring day.
My first stop - Tooradin Foreshore. The tide was out.
Koo Wee Rup
Looking down the Main Street of Coal Creek
Barber Shop
Looks like Sweeney Todd's been at it again.
The departed souls of the condemned in the Court House.
Interior of the Court House.
Judges records.
There's something about this that reminds me of films I've seen about the deep south.
Looks like a ghost town.
I'm loving this little wattle and daub cottage.
Although it needs some interior work!
Handwriting on the blackboard at the school.
School days!
Cottage garden
There's just something I love about wisteria. It reminds me of home.
The house of the wealthy.
Old fashioned bedroom.
Inside the barber shop.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Don't Fence Me In
Today I got out of the hustle and bustle of suburbia. I drove down the highway to where the rolling hills were vivid green, the air smelled sweet and there were no sounds apart from the wind in the trees and the birds chirping.
Back to where I first started. Well....almost.
I wanted to go back to my birthplace, but because of time restraints and the fact that I had inadvertently left my lifeline at home (AKA my cell phone...in case of emergencies) I decided to stop about an 90 minutes from home at a place called Coal Creek. Coal Creek is one of those restored coal mining towns, full of nostalgia of when this country was first settled by Europeans.
I needed to get out. I needed to just centre myself again and not worry about anyone or anything other than myself. I took my time. I just wandered and took photographs and thought...actually, I don't really think I thought. I emptied my mind of everything except for what I was doing at that time and composing a good shot.
It was so relaxing.
If I had've had my cell phone on me I think I may have just kept driving. I don't think I would have come back home today. I think I would've gone back to my birthplace and booked a room at the local motel. It would've been nice just to be me for a little bit longer.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Because the world is listening.
"You're good with them."
This is what a person said to me in a queue today. She was behind me, watching and listening as I interacted with some little children who were ahead of me in the queue. They were there with their mother. The children, a boy and a girl were aged three and five respectively. I know because I asked.
"You're good with them."
There's a reason for that I guess. Children are naturally curious...and children of the age of three and five have not yet developed that filter between what their minds are thinking and what comes out of their mouths. In other words, they are brutally honest. Adults would call them rude...and I watch their parents simply want to sink into a deep hole when they are brutally honest when I am around.
So, I choose to take that brutal honesty and turn it into something that's going to benefit them, their parents and me...
And the rest of the curious onlookers within earshot...because they do listen you know. I have a captive audience.
Anyway, these two children were pretty gosh darn cute. I rocked up to the queue at the registers and they were there. They were chatting to each other, chatting to their Mum...saw me and decided to show me the owl soft toys they were holding and talk to me. I asked them if they were the owls from Legend of the Guardians...then we talked about movies they'd seen...and then the statement finally came...
Because it always comes as a statement...a statement of an obvious fact.
"You're little!"
Yes, I know.
"Why?"
I don't know. My bones grew really, really, really slowly and I only got to be this big. Your bones grow fast so one day you will be bigger than me.
"Like my Mum."
That's right.
"Maybe one day your bones will grow again and you will be big."
Maybe.
"Do you like Lightning McQueen?"
And that's the way it can go. They get over it quick. I've told them what they need to know and they're satisfied. They don't want to be told to shush, or not to be rude. They're curious, just like little kids are meant to be.
They will remember that they met me today...their mother will remember as well...and the thing I want them to remember the most is that not only was I little, but I was nice to them, I talked to them, I was friendly to them.
And not only that, but the other six to ten people waiting in the queue also heard everything and saw that I am friendly and that it is ok to ask questions. It's how you find stuff out. It's how ignorance and fear is snuffed out.
So of course I am good with them. The alternative wouldn't help anyone...especially me.
This is what a person said to me in a queue today. She was behind me, watching and listening as I interacted with some little children who were ahead of me in the queue. They were there with their mother. The children, a boy and a girl were aged three and five respectively. I know because I asked.
"You're good with them."
There's a reason for that I guess. Children are naturally curious...and children of the age of three and five have not yet developed that filter between what their minds are thinking and what comes out of their mouths. In other words, they are brutally honest. Adults would call them rude...and I watch their parents simply want to sink into a deep hole when they are brutally honest when I am around.
So, I choose to take that brutal honesty and turn it into something that's going to benefit them, their parents and me...
And the rest of the curious onlookers within earshot...because they do listen you know. I have a captive audience.
Anyway, these two children were pretty gosh darn cute. I rocked up to the queue at the registers and they were there. They were chatting to each other, chatting to their Mum...saw me and decided to show me the owl soft toys they were holding and talk to me. I asked them if they were the owls from Legend of the Guardians...then we talked about movies they'd seen...and then the statement finally came...
Because it always comes as a statement...a statement of an obvious fact.
"You're little!"
Yes, I know.
"Why?"
I don't know. My bones grew really, really, really slowly and I only got to be this big. Your bones grow fast so one day you will be bigger than me.
"Like my Mum."
That's right.
"Maybe one day your bones will grow again and you will be big."
Maybe.
"Do you like Lightning McQueen?"
And that's the way it can go. They get over it quick. I've told them what they need to know and they're satisfied. They don't want to be told to shush, or not to be rude. They're curious, just like little kids are meant to be.
They will remember that they met me today...their mother will remember as well...and the thing I want them to remember the most is that not only was I little, but I was nice to them, I talked to them, I was friendly to them.
And not only that, but the other six to ten people waiting in the queue also heard everything and saw that I am friendly and that it is ok to ask questions. It's how you find stuff out. It's how ignorance and fear is snuffed out.
So of course I am good with them. The alternative wouldn't help anyone...especially me.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
The Ying & Yang of Being Me
I've decided that this blog needs to start being more like the voice of what I want to say. It needs to start revealing what I need the world to know. This entry is going to be the beginnings of that. I'm scared, because it's putting a very big thing out there into cyberspace. I'm also filled with hope because maybe what I say may promote understanding....
Being me has meant that I have had the benefit of witnessing and being the recipient of the very best of human nature. It also means that I've had to stand up under the very worst of human nature as well. The ying and yang of this happens on a daily basis. I am not exaggerating when I say this. Not by a long shot.
Why?
Because..........I have a genetic condition....causing bone dysplasia......
In short...I look physically different to the average person walking around.
To me, not that much different. I just do life at a different level....hence the title of my blog.
However, that different appearance means that I am very noticeable. It means that people can be curious, inspired and, a lot of the time, downright rude.
I try and give people the benefit of the doubt. I think if I wasn't this way, I would possibly be curious too. I would watch in fascination...not meaning to be rude, just curious. That's the way I prefer to believe that people operate when they see me. Children are the ones who are most curious...and I know that's natural. I like to give them a smile, hoping that they will remember that I was not only different, but smiled at them too....a friendly lady. I answer their well-meaning curious questions. My philosophy is that if I have educated a child then chances are I will have also educated their family as well. Children talk you know!
But then there are incidents like something that happened today. Apparently I was a real hilarity to a couple of older teens/20-something year old girls today. They just laughed. I just told them that they only think they're pretty.
It hurt. I'm not that strange looking. Really.
As I drive along in my car, I reflect upon people like those girls. Apart from hoping that karma bites them in the butt one day, is it right for me to also feel sorry for them? I do. I don't think they'll develop much resilience and character in their lives. Sometimes I really feel that the effort of maintaining a positive attitude in life despite the nastiness that comes against a person is character building. I don't think it takes too much strength of character to dish out nastiness, but it takes a lot of strength of character to maintain a positive sense of self when all that negativity is in your face every day you step pout your front door.
In any case, I'm going to continue being me. I'm going to continue being positive, friendly, polite and kind. I am going to continue working at my job to the best of my ability. I'm going to continue in my quest to learn how to be a good partner to my husband and a loving Mum to my adult kids.
That's all I can do.
See! My life's not all that different is it?
One day I'll talk about it properly. I'm not ready yet. I think you have enough hints in this entry anyway.
Being me has meant that I have had the benefit of witnessing and being the recipient of the very best of human nature. It also means that I've had to stand up under the very worst of human nature as well. The ying and yang of this happens on a daily basis. I am not exaggerating when I say this. Not by a long shot.
Why?
Because..........I have a genetic condition....causing bone dysplasia......
In short...I look physically different to the average person walking around.
To me, not that much different. I just do life at a different level....hence the title of my blog.
However, that different appearance means that I am very noticeable. It means that people can be curious, inspired and, a lot of the time, downright rude.
I try and give people the benefit of the doubt. I think if I wasn't this way, I would possibly be curious too. I would watch in fascination...not meaning to be rude, just curious. That's the way I prefer to believe that people operate when they see me. Children are the ones who are most curious...and I know that's natural. I like to give them a smile, hoping that they will remember that I was not only different, but smiled at them too....a friendly lady. I answer their well-meaning curious questions. My philosophy is that if I have educated a child then chances are I will have also educated their family as well. Children talk you know!
But then there are incidents like something that happened today. Apparently I was a real hilarity to a couple of older teens/20-something year old girls today. They just laughed. I just told them that they only think they're pretty.
It hurt. I'm not that strange looking. Really.
As I drive along in my car, I reflect upon people like those girls. Apart from hoping that karma bites them in the butt one day, is it right for me to also feel sorry for them? I do. I don't think they'll develop much resilience and character in their lives. Sometimes I really feel that the effort of maintaining a positive attitude in life despite the nastiness that comes against a person is character building. I don't think it takes too much strength of character to dish out nastiness, but it takes a lot of strength of character to maintain a positive sense of self when all that negativity is in your face every day you step pout your front door.
In any case, I'm going to continue being me. I'm going to continue being positive, friendly, polite and kind. I am going to continue working at my job to the best of my ability. I'm going to continue in my quest to learn how to be a good partner to my husband and a loving Mum to my adult kids.
That's all I can do.
See! My life's not all that different is it?
One day I'll talk about it properly. I'm not ready yet. I think you have enough hints in this entry anyway.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Wow!
Goodness! I logged in here and found I have two followers! *waves* What a nice surprise!
All of a sudden I started wondering if I will write differently now that I know people are reading. I hope not!
Soooooooo.....it's been the most amazing of beautiful days. The sky has been just so blue this week which has made it a pleasure to walk to work every day. My spirits have really lifted since the weather has turned around and decided to break forth the sunny blue skies of Spring. It's a shame having to work indoors, although I get a great surprise if I emerge at lunch time into bright sunshine. I wish I had a job in a plant nursery during these days...although I could imagine it would be a drag in the winter....and in the searing heat of summer.....especially on the 47c days we had a couple of Summers ago.....
Hubby and I are going away for a weekend in two weeks time. He has really been struggling to get on top of things lately and so we thought that getting away to just be refreshed would be a good idea. We had been to this lovely Tuscan-type villa near Daylesford called Sailors Falls Estate a couple of years ago and absolutely loved it. The villas are owned by friends of my parents and they're lovely people, so I emailed them and asked them if they had a vacancy. They had one left, so I quickly booked it. I simply cannot wait to go and neither can James. It is such a peaceful, tranquil place, with places to explore and spas where you can indulge in a massage and pampering. Last time we were there we ate at a restaurant called Sault, which had the most scrumptious food! I'm salivating just thinking about it! I hope we go there again. (oops! I just looked at the price list. I forgot how expensive it was!)
I know that a weekend away isn't going to make everything go away for James, but at least it will give us both some time to chill out and relax. I'm looking forward to spending time with him. After 23 years he's still the one who makes me smile and the one I am glad I get to share my life with.
In closing, here's a photo of my dog Maya. She's a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and the most beautiful, the most silly, the naughtiest and sweetest dog you could wish for. Looking for a breed that's good for children? Consider a Cavalier. Gentle, loving and devoted. I have never known one to be snappy and nasty. Maya will be three years old on October 27. She's still like a puppy....but toilet trained!
All of a sudden I started wondering if I will write differently now that I know people are reading. I hope not!
Soooooooo.....it's been the most amazing of beautiful days. The sky has been just so blue this week which has made it a pleasure to walk to work every day. My spirits have really lifted since the weather has turned around and decided to break forth the sunny blue skies of Spring. It's a shame having to work indoors, although I get a great surprise if I emerge at lunch time into bright sunshine. I wish I had a job in a plant nursery during these days...although I could imagine it would be a drag in the winter....and in the searing heat of summer.....especially on the 47c days we had a couple of Summers ago.....
Hubby and I are going away for a weekend in two weeks time. He has really been struggling to get on top of things lately and so we thought that getting away to just be refreshed would be a good idea. We had been to this lovely Tuscan-type villa near Daylesford called Sailors Falls Estate a couple of years ago and absolutely loved it. The villas are owned by friends of my parents and they're lovely people, so I emailed them and asked them if they had a vacancy. They had one left, so I quickly booked it. I simply cannot wait to go and neither can James. It is such a peaceful, tranquil place, with places to explore and spas where you can indulge in a massage and pampering. Last time we were there we ate at a restaurant called Sault, which had the most scrumptious food! I'm salivating just thinking about it! I hope we go there again. (oops! I just looked at the price list. I forgot how expensive it was!)
I know that a weekend away isn't going to make everything go away for James, but at least it will give us both some time to chill out and relax. I'm looking forward to spending time with him. After 23 years he's still the one who makes me smile and the one I am glad I get to share my life with.
In closing, here's a photo of my dog Maya. She's a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and the most beautiful, the most silly, the naughtiest and sweetest dog you could wish for. Looking for a breed that's good for children? Consider a Cavalier. Gentle, loving and devoted. I have never known one to be snappy and nasty. Maya will be three years old on October 27. She's still like a puppy....but toilet trained!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Recordings
It's been a bit difficult over the past week with the OTHER SITE being offline. It's been frustrating to say the least and I guess the hundreds of thousands of other diarists have found it just as frustrating as I have. Still, I can only assume that the Diary Master is doing his or her level best to get everything up and running for us again so I think I need to cut him some slack and let him/her just get on with it.
I've really been wanting to write some kind of record for myself in regards to my husbands struggles with mental illness - just so that I can look back and maybe discover patterns, triggers, what helps, what doesn't help, outward symptoms he displays, behaviour, apparent moods, reactions.
I know this may sound very clinical...and maybe even a little...critical but my aim is to understand him a little more. I want to know how I can help. I want to even record my own reactions to him at the times he is really struggling so I can see where perhaps I stuff it up and get it wrong. I know it will be very much a trial and error thing as dealing with mental illness is like standing on shifting sand. What helps one day may hinder on the next day....but the aim is to be a more understanding partner to him and to perhaps help him navigate his stormy times.
So, this entry will be the first.
Currently he is struggling. He hasn't had any consistent work in two weeks. He had work on a new campaign on Monday night but was sent home after a few hours as he wasn't reaching the target quota....along with several other people - some of whom were sent home after only an hour. Since then they haven't called him in again.
He shows boredom being at home but doesn't seem motivated to do things like laundry or cleaning.
His mood with the kids and I is quite good. Very loving last night and gave be a massage and lots of spontaneous hugs. Joked around a bit which was lovely.
So maybe he's not struggling too badly. My reactions to him have been positive. This morning I casually got laundry out of the washing machine and said that if he was looking for something to do he could hang it out to dry. I have let the fact that our bed wasn't made slip by without comment. I think this is the way to go at the moment. I must remember not to let it fester if it does annoy me though. Maybe just a gentle request now and again.
I love the guy. I really do.
I've really been wanting to write some kind of record for myself in regards to my husbands struggles with mental illness - just so that I can look back and maybe discover patterns, triggers, what helps, what doesn't help, outward symptoms he displays, behaviour, apparent moods, reactions.
I know this may sound very clinical...and maybe even a little...critical but my aim is to understand him a little more. I want to know how I can help. I want to even record my own reactions to him at the times he is really struggling so I can see where perhaps I stuff it up and get it wrong. I know it will be very much a trial and error thing as dealing with mental illness is like standing on shifting sand. What helps one day may hinder on the next day....but the aim is to be a more understanding partner to him and to perhaps help him navigate his stormy times.
So, this entry will be the first.
Currently he is struggling. He hasn't had any consistent work in two weeks. He had work on a new campaign on Monday night but was sent home after a few hours as he wasn't reaching the target quota....along with several other people - some of whom were sent home after only an hour. Since then they haven't called him in again.
He shows boredom being at home but doesn't seem motivated to do things like laundry or cleaning.
His mood with the kids and I is quite good. Very loving last night and gave be a massage and lots of spontaneous hugs. Joked around a bit which was lovely.
So maybe he's not struggling too badly. My reactions to him have been positive. This morning I casually got laundry out of the washing machine and said that if he was looking for something to do he could hang it out to dry. I have let the fact that our bed wasn't made slip by without comment. I think this is the way to go at the moment. I must remember not to let it fester if it does annoy me though. Maybe just a gentle request now and again.
I love the guy. I really do.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Negotiating a new path
Since returning from Perth my eldest daughter is different...or maybe she was on the cusp of changing before she went away and the change in scene and environment was the catalyst for the changes to come into force....or maybe ten days away from her family and her protective and motherly mother was what she needed to experience to bring about a yearning for a new independence. She had ten days of having to do for herself...making her own decisions about things, doing things for herself...even though the physical environment didn't cater at all well for her particular disability.
In any case, we are negotiating a new relationship....and it is difficult.
I guess it was bound to happen. She is, after all, 23. I was a mother of two at that age...making decisions not only for myself but for my children and, to some extent, my husband. Admittedly I didn't have the physical limitations that she has to contend with, but at the same time I think I would have been more than a little annoyed if my mother was still (for want of a better term) mothering me at that age.
And I do still mother. I will admit that.
The new relationship is characterised by this undertone of annoyance with each other. Maybe we are just together too much. We both live and work together. I'm finding the work relationship more difficult to negotiate. Her role here at work is her first real job, so she is still learning how to function in the work environment. Her job is different to mine, so if she asks for assistance when her boss isn't here, then I am unable to help her effectively. If I try to and I get it wrong then she gets annoyed that I haven't understood. I get annoyed that she gets annoyed with me....so I just go back to my own desk and let her stew it out on her own.
I think perhaps we have reached the point where she needs to spread her wings and fly from the nest at least. She will then be able to negotiate her own independence, work out what she can and can't do on her own, manage her own affairs, celebrate her own successes, learn from her own errors....without me there. Sure I will be on the sidelines to assist, encourage and give advice when requested, but I really think she needs to go out and find who she is on her own. I think we both need that space to be able to come back together with a more equal relationship....one between two women, rather than the mother and daughter thing. Maybe then there will be more mutual understanding and respect, rather than this current undertone of......struggle.
Don't get me wrong....it's not all screaming and fighting......we get on really well most times.......but I can't help notice that things have changed and there is something there that wasn't there previously....a struggle for autonomy.....which I believe is natural and right.....but stilll needs to be successfully negotiated.
I miss my little girl....but I will welcome the new woman who will one day be a friend.
In any case, we are negotiating a new relationship....and it is difficult.
I guess it was bound to happen. She is, after all, 23. I was a mother of two at that age...making decisions not only for myself but for my children and, to some extent, my husband. Admittedly I didn't have the physical limitations that she has to contend with, but at the same time I think I would have been more than a little annoyed if my mother was still (for want of a better term) mothering me at that age.
And I do still mother. I will admit that.
The new relationship is characterised by this undertone of annoyance with each other. Maybe we are just together too much. We both live and work together. I'm finding the work relationship more difficult to negotiate. Her role here at work is her first real job, so she is still learning how to function in the work environment. Her job is different to mine, so if she asks for assistance when her boss isn't here, then I am unable to help her effectively. If I try to and I get it wrong then she gets annoyed that I haven't understood. I get annoyed that she gets annoyed with me....so I just go back to my own desk and let her stew it out on her own.
I think perhaps we have reached the point where she needs to spread her wings and fly from the nest at least. She will then be able to negotiate her own independence, work out what she can and can't do on her own, manage her own affairs, celebrate her own successes, learn from her own errors....without me there. Sure I will be on the sidelines to assist, encourage and give advice when requested, but I really think she needs to go out and find who she is on her own. I think we both need that space to be able to come back together with a more equal relationship....one between two women, rather than the mother and daughter thing. Maybe then there will be more mutual understanding and respect, rather than this current undertone of......struggle.
Don't get me wrong....it's not all screaming and fighting......we get on really well most times.......but I can't help notice that things have changed and there is something there that wasn't there previously....a struggle for autonomy.....which I believe is natural and right.....but stilll needs to be successfully negotiated.
I miss my little girl....but I will welcome the new woman who will one day be a friend.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Resisting
Oh I am so trying to resist the urge to write word vomit! Positive, positive, positive! However, I'm finding it difficult thinking positively. The rage is simply burning at the moment. I am hurt and I don't know what to do with it. It is spilling over into everything and I don't want it to. What do I do with it? I need to centre in and look for something that helps restore that sense of balance and calm, but what is it? Where is it? I don't like my reactions to things at the moment. I have started becoming cynical again, frustrated, annoyed. I am answering calmly but underneath there is this rage that, quite frankly, disturbs me.
At home I am engaged in a cold war. I have instigated this myself. It's there for self protection. I don't know how long it will be there for. I'd like to think it will only be there until I hear a heartfelt, "I am sorry."
I won't be getting that though. I have never received a genuine, heartfelt, "I am sorry." There has always been excuses and reasons...and I am tired of those.
My hurt is understandable. The kick to the solar plexus was real and out of the blue. I am reeling because as far as I could understand, as far as my eyes could see and my mind could understand, everything was fine. But it wasn't. I went to bed thinking all was well with the world and then woke up the next morning to discover, splashed all over Facebook, that I was very much mistaken.
Naturally one would be hurt.
At home I am engaged in a cold war. I have instigated this myself. It's there for self protection. I don't know how long it will be there for. I'd like to think it will only be there until I hear a heartfelt, "I am sorry."
I won't be getting that though. I have never received a genuine, heartfelt, "I am sorry." There has always been excuses and reasons...and I am tired of those.
My hurt is understandable. The kick to the solar plexus was real and out of the blue. I am reeling because as far as I could understand, as far as my eyes could see and my mind could understand, everything was fine. But it wasn't. I went to bed thinking all was well with the world and then woke up the next morning to discover, splashed all over Facebook, that I was very much mistaken.
Naturally one would be hurt.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Checking in
Hi all. Sorry I've been neglecting this a little. I need to be more diligent when it comes to this blog...regardless of the fact that I think I have a readership of zero. That's ok. It's more the process that I shouldn't neglect.
It's been a pretty splendiferous Saturday. I spent most of the morning cleaning and tidying both inside and outside. I bought a new rabbit hutch because our female rabbits are digging out and becoming neighbourhood terrorists. The lady next door brought one of them back again yesterday afternoon after her dogs were chasing it around the backyard. Anyway, I bought a new hutch with wire on the floor as well so they can't dig. Unfortunately the hutch was too big even for the back of our car so I had to pay an extra $10 to have it delivered...next Wednesday sometime. *shrugs* Oh well.
I also got my hair cut and coloured. Hooray! I feel all new and fresh for Spring and Summer now. I'm more blonde than I was...to cover up the greys. I'm not sure if I like it this blonde yet....Maybe I'm just not used to it.
James and I have reached some sort of good space right now. It's such a relief. There are times where I still long for more specialness and romance from him, but all in all we're in a really good place right now so I am glad...and I think he's feeling pretty good too.
One day I will do a kid post...maybe...I think I'm being a little more private here and am really aware of their privacy...James's privacy. Maybe I'll check with them about the things they are comfortable with me writing about. I should have done that with my diary over in the other little section of cyberspace. Maybe that's why I have come here...to start again.....
Loving life, loving the people in it. Just loving.
It's been a pretty splendiferous Saturday. I spent most of the morning cleaning and tidying both inside and outside. I bought a new rabbit hutch because our female rabbits are digging out and becoming neighbourhood terrorists. The lady next door brought one of them back again yesterday afternoon after her dogs were chasing it around the backyard. Anyway, I bought a new hutch with wire on the floor as well so they can't dig. Unfortunately the hutch was too big even for the back of our car so I had to pay an extra $10 to have it delivered...next Wednesday sometime. *shrugs* Oh well.
I also got my hair cut and coloured. Hooray! I feel all new and fresh for Spring and Summer now. I'm more blonde than I was...to cover up the greys. I'm not sure if I like it this blonde yet....Maybe I'm just not used to it.
James and I have reached some sort of good space right now. It's such a relief. There are times where I still long for more specialness and romance from him, but all in all we're in a really good place right now so I am glad...and I think he's feeling pretty good too.
One day I will do a kid post...maybe...I think I'm being a little more private here and am really aware of their privacy...James's privacy. Maybe I'll check with them about the things they are comfortable with me writing about. I should have done that with my diary over in the other little section of cyberspace. Maybe that's why I have come here...to start again.....
Loving life, loving the people in it. Just loving.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Takin' the time
It was pretty cool last night.
For some reason, James (husband) and I simply weren't tired. We ate dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, he bummed about on Facebook for a while and then joined me in the lounge room where we watched a few lame TV shows. We chatted and laughed and enjoyed each others company. We didn't talk about anything to deep or controversial...we just hung out.
I miss hanging out with him. Somewhere over the course of 24 years of being together we got caught up with raising babies, then children, then teenagers....caught up in daily life, daily struggles.....caught up in our problems and issues. We were best mates in the beginning and then that gets buried under all this....life.
It's wonderful when we just get to be and reconnect, remembering that under all the layers we still are best mates. Underneath the wrinkles that are starting to line our faces there is still that young couple that laughed in the face of everything.
I can't wait until we get to embark on some adventures. We have them planned and they're simmering on the back burner. I can't wait to spend time with him...some quality time, away from the every day.
I'm glad I still love him.
For some reason, James (husband) and I simply weren't tired. We ate dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, he bummed about on Facebook for a while and then joined me in the lounge room where we watched a few lame TV shows. We chatted and laughed and enjoyed each others company. We didn't talk about anything to deep or controversial...we just hung out.
I miss hanging out with him. Somewhere over the course of 24 years of being together we got caught up with raising babies, then children, then teenagers....caught up in daily life, daily struggles.....caught up in our problems and issues. We were best mates in the beginning and then that gets buried under all this....life.
It's wonderful when we just get to be and reconnect, remembering that under all the layers we still are best mates. Underneath the wrinkles that are starting to line our faces there is still that young couple that laughed in the face of everything.
I can't wait until we get to embark on some adventures. We have them planned and they're simmering on the back burner. I can't wait to spend time with him...some quality time, away from the every day.
I'm glad I still love him.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Nurturing the Creative
I bit the bullet today and decided to enrol in a Photography course. This is the first time I have spent so much money on a course for pure enjoyment, rather than gaining a certificate in the hope of a better job. I am really looking forward to it. I hope it's not too basic, but at the same time I hope it's basic enough for me to get a sound grasp of everything so I can start creating and capturing some really good stuff rather than pointing and shooting and then occasionally getting something that I look at and say, "Hey, not bad!"
It's all a part of nurturing something in me that has laid dormant for so long. I am tired of just going through the motions of life. I want to do something that I love doing just for the sheer fun of it.
I'm also excited about potential pathways for doing this course. My sister asked me recently if I could come down and just do some candid shots of her children playing...who knows....maybe I will become proficient enough for other people to ask as well?
In any case, I'm excited.
It's all a part of nurturing something in me that has laid dormant for so long. I am tired of just going through the motions of life. I want to do something that I love doing just for the sheer fun of it.
I'm also excited about potential pathways for doing this course. My sister asked me recently if I could come down and just do some candid shots of her children playing...who knows....maybe I will become proficient enough for other people to ask as well?
In any case, I'm excited.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Dream On
I seem to be devoid of dreams. I just seem to be going through the motions of life.....home, work, home, weekend, work - rinse, repeat.
Not that it realy bothers me. I like simplicity. I can find joy and peace in the most mundane tasks, however I don't want it to always be this way. I know there's something I'm supposed to be doing.
I was thinking that it was something to do with working in child care. Now I'm not so sure. I don't know what my dreams are anymore.
I'm not sad about it though. I'll have them again.
Not that it realy bothers me. I like simplicity. I can find joy and peace in the most mundane tasks, however I don't want it to always be this way. I know there's something I'm supposed to be doing.
I was thinking that it was something to do with working in child care. Now I'm not so sure. I don't know what my dreams are anymore.
I'm not sad about it though. I'll have them again.
Monday, September 27, 2010
What I want it to be
I have very definite ideas about what I want this blog to be. I want it to be more a of a reflection of my hopes and dreams and concentrating more on the positive steps I am making as a human being, a woman, a wife and a mother.
I think the reason I am becoming a bit more hidden in my other diary is because I have aired too many negatives, too many of the awful bits that have happened. Naturally, my readers have formed opinions and taken sides...mine. I guess this is only natural, given that the only perspective they've been getting is mine, but I do think it's unfair because he has a story to tell as well....
...and he is a good man....
So, in this space I am going to resist the temptation to write word-vomit when I am sad, frustrated or angry. I want to turn the focus around to being on positive ideas on how to make situations better or how to respond so that I am not so hurt, angry or frustrated.
Let's just get this out in to the ether then.....I love him. I really do. He is the first of the five best things to ever happen to me. I have repeated this so many times because it's true...maybe it's a mantra.
It's a good one to have.
I think the reason I am becoming a bit more hidden in my other diary is because I have aired too many negatives, too many of the awful bits that have happened. Naturally, my readers have formed opinions and taken sides...mine. I guess this is only natural, given that the only perspective they've been getting is mine, but I do think it's unfair because he has a story to tell as well....
...and he is a good man....
So, in this space I am going to resist the temptation to write word-vomit when I am sad, frustrated or angry. I want to turn the focus around to being on positive ideas on how to make situations better or how to respond so that I am not so hurt, angry or frustrated.
Let's just get this out in to the ether then.....I love him. I really do. He is the first of the five best things to ever happen to me. I have repeated this so many times because it's true...maybe it's a mantra.
It's a good one to have.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Inspirations and Introductions
So why start a new blog?
I don't know.
The other one is a diary. This is a blog...I guess. Will this become bigger than the other? I don't know. I guess that remains to be seen. Will this one bring followers? Maybe. Do I want that to happen? Maybe.
I think what I like about this one is that right at this very point in time I can write and be completely anonymous. I can write and readers at this point won't have any preconceived notions about me. Sometimes I wonder about my other diary because I find that I have possibly revealed more than I ever intended to and more than I sometimes feel comfortable with. I have a sneaking suspicion that it will happen here too.
Anyway, introductions may be in order....
Hi there!
I am Leisa, aged 43, wife of one husband, mother of three adults and one teenager, sister of 6 siblings, eldest child of two of the most wonderful parents anyone could ever wish for.
I have two dogs, two cats, four rabbits, a guinea pig, two rats, two mice and three budgerigars.
I am Australian, have only traveled out of my country once but have a strong passion to travel more...hopefully to a country that is so culturally different to my own.
I work as an Administration Assistant in our state capital and work amongst the most awesome people.
I love photography and own a Nikon D60 that I pretty much use as a point and shoot. One of my goals is to teach myself what that little baby can do from the manual I was given and a Nikon DVD a friend bought for me.
There....that's some of the practical things out of the way. It's a very sketchy introduction isn't it? Sorry. I'm lost for words at the moment. There's so much more of me than who I am married to, how many children I have birthed, my pets, my work and what I like. I know that. I hope this blog becomes so much more than those things too.
For a while know I have this strong prompting within me that there is something more that I am supposed to be doing....so much more I should be. It's almost driving me mad right now. I want to know what it is. I don't know how to search for it. I think it has something to do with giving to something....some cause that is beyond me and my little microcosm. I think it has something to do with children...and families....and disadvantage...and community. But what?
Is that even it?
Please God, what is it? I can't just keep doing this same old same old for the next 50 years!
I don't know.
The other one is a diary. This is a blog...I guess. Will this become bigger than the other? I don't know. I guess that remains to be seen. Will this one bring followers? Maybe. Do I want that to happen? Maybe.
I think what I like about this one is that right at this very point in time I can write and be completely anonymous. I can write and readers at this point won't have any preconceived notions about me. Sometimes I wonder about my other diary because I find that I have possibly revealed more than I ever intended to and more than I sometimes feel comfortable with. I have a sneaking suspicion that it will happen here too.
Anyway, introductions may be in order....
Hi there!
I am Leisa, aged 43, wife of one husband, mother of three adults and one teenager, sister of 6 siblings, eldest child of two of the most wonderful parents anyone could ever wish for.
I have two dogs, two cats, four rabbits, a guinea pig, two rats, two mice and three budgerigars.
I am Australian, have only traveled out of my country once but have a strong passion to travel more...hopefully to a country that is so culturally different to my own.
I work as an Administration Assistant in our state capital and work amongst the most awesome people.
I love photography and own a Nikon D60 that I pretty much use as a point and shoot. One of my goals is to teach myself what that little baby can do from the manual I was given and a Nikon DVD a friend bought for me.
There....that's some of the practical things out of the way. It's a very sketchy introduction isn't it? Sorry. I'm lost for words at the moment. There's so much more of me than who I am married to, how many children I have birthed, my pets, my work and what I like. I know that. I hope this blog becomes so much more than those things too.
For a while know I have this strong prompting within me that there is something more that I am supposed to be doing....so much more I should be. It's almost driving me mad right now. I want to know what it is. I don't know how to search for it. I think it has something to do with giving to something....some cause that is beyond me and my little microcosm. I think it has something to do with children...and families....and disadvantage...and community. But what?
Is that even it?
Please God, what is it? I can't just keep doing this same old same old for the next 50 years!
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