In which she gets up again

One good thing about releasing the release valve is that it gives people the opportunity to come in and rally around you. 

I learned a valuable lesson about all this following my last post.

How can people help if they don't know you need it?

I don't know what it is that makes me so fiercely independent; projecting the "I'm alright Jack!" persona that I do. Psychologists would possibly say that it has a lot to do with being the firstborn - the grin and bear it mentality, the people pleasing, the approval cravings. Maybe so.

Following the concerned advice of a dear friend I've made some appointments to explore some of that and address the dark thinking that seems to have pervaded my world at the moment. It's a relief to have done so. 

Whatever was ailing my dog seems to have been cleared out, thanks to the mess that greeted me on Monday evening. She is back to her normal self, has accompanied me on a short run and is now beautifully quoiffed following an appointment with the groomer. The carpets ate cleaned and we've returned to some kind of order.

Friends rallied around after Monday. Financial assistance was given quietly and without question. A box of organic fruit, vegetables, eggs, home grown and made goodies was delivered by a generous soul. I had lunch with some friends on Wednesday and quietened my mind with a Restorative yoga class. 

I guess you could say that I'm learning to look after myself again.

A very dear friend reminded me of safety instructions given before every flight, "Please put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others." I do need to apply that principle on a daily basis. How can I help others if I neglect myself?

It's good to be independent, but independence doesn't mean that you can't rely on others for assistance. It's not good to be an island, a lone ranger. We all need each other and this week I discovered that I am a better me if I let others into my world and allow them to bless me. In turn, it allows me opportunities to bless them in return. 

I cannot express my gratitude to each and every soul who showed concern in the different ways they did. They all helped immensely and in various ways, showed me the tools to help move forward.

I am forever grateful.

Thankful Thursday

Let's mix things up a little and do a Thankful Thursday, huh? What if I made this a regular thing and then we got a whole lot of other people wanting to take time out on a Thursday and think of things to be thankful for - big things, little things, seemingly insignificant things.....ALL THE THINGS! How's that for an idea? Ok, ok, ok.....I know it's not an original idea and I can't patent it or anything....there's nothing new under the sun, according to Ecclesiastes.

So without further ado......

Thankful Thursday!

1. Ecclesiastes. 

Have you ever read this? Regardless of how depressing it might seem at first glance, it's actually not. I kind of like the conclusion it comes to....that the best thing you can do is enjoy the time you have on earth. Simple really, isn't it? It's all about the journey. I think about Ecclesiastes a lot and it brings me great comfort in some strange way, so I am thankful for it. In fact, I might go home and read it again tonight. I think it's my favorite book in the Bible. If you're interested, you'll find it after Proverbs...which is after Psalms....which is after Job.....

2. Bean Boozled Jelly Beans

My daughter Chloe introduced these to us. Similar to Bertie Botts Every Flavoured Beans from Harry Potter, these crazy little beans have proved to be a fun family activity. Last night we went to the beach for a fish and chip dinner and decided to have these for dessert - with the added bonus of a daring guessing game....made even more daring when you're eating them on the beach in the dark! Not your typical delicious, sugary snack - pop one of these in your mouth and you never know what you're going to get!

See what I mean! I think the grossest one I have had has to be BARF! It honestly has the acidic taste of vomit. Our family has a theory that the makers of Bean Boozled have deliberately left out Barf's yummier counterpart, Peach. As yet, every Peachy looking bean has been Barf in the boxes we have consumed.  The best of the gross flavours has to be Baby Wipes. It's actually quite nice.

Try them if you dare!!! They have provided our family with.....enjoyment??? If not enjoyment, then a lot of laughter!

3. My job:

I know I have to commute and that the commuting tires me, but gosh I'm thankful that I have a job and that I actually do work with some lovely people. I am thankful that the management team are understanding of the fact that life just happens and that there are occasions where things come at me from left of field and that I have to change things at the drop of a hat sometime.

4. Having just enough:

I don't earn much. I really don't. There's nothing left over at the end of a fortnight....but I have just enough...

I know how to do "just enough". I've been doing just enough all my life. Just enough keeps me on my toes. It keeps me thinking. It helps to sort out priorities. It encourages gratefulness. 

5. Books: 

I am so grateful for the chance to sit with a book and be transported to an imaginary world, or inspired to take on new projects and ideas. My world is expanded with each book I read. I am reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin at the moment which is inspiring me to think about my goals and theme word for 2015. I have always been a reader, love reading and have passed that love down to my children. 

What are you thankful for this week?

Rolling with the punches

When I was a younger mother I would say at the end of each year something like, "Surely next year will be the year where things will get better!" There was always something going on. Someone would have to have surgery, someone would be out of work, we would lose someone we loved. Life just seemed to be in a perpetual holding pattern of coping. 

These were the years our specialist would see me in clinic and ask me, "And how are you going with it all Leisa? " and I would answer with a stoic, "Yeah, I'm doing okay! "

And then there came the years of, "I-can-no-longer-deal-with-this" and, apart from feeling like I was losing my mind, I had a very unhealthy hatred of everyone and everything. I succumbed to the rage of, "It's not fair!" and, "Why me?" Well meaning platitudes of, "God only gives someone as much as they can handle!" only served to fuel the rage because I was NOT coping. Not by a long shot. I was surviving. 

Surviving is not living. Trust me on this one.

There were many offers of help from people I loved. Looking back on it all now I can see I should have accepted more help, but truth be told I couldn't specify exactly how they could help or what help I needed. I'm really not good at delegating tasks. 

And deep down, practical help such as getting someone in to clean the house or even take the kids places was not really the thing I needed. Having someone there to do all that stuff wasn't going to relieve the pressure of emotionally and mentally coping with everything. I can physically keep going forever (or so I keep saying) and I'm pretty good at "doing all the things" (because it actually helps me by giving the illusion that I have some kind of control!) but the constant worry and stress I had in my head almost did me in.

How does one get help for that? How can family and friends relieve that? There just seemed to be so much of it that I felt as though I couldn't keep leaning on the inner sanctum of trusted souls for fear that it would all get too much for them and eventually they'd all bail. One by one they'd jump ship. 

Because they all could. Trusted others, as involved as they may be, still have the luxurious option of jumping ship. Not that I'm suggesting they would have mind you, but somewhere in my stressed out mind this was something that niggled at me from time to time. I needed them to hang in there on the sidelines so I guess I protected them from how much I was struggling so they would actually stick around.

I realized that the other side of this is that when I did and do actually lean on trusted others and let them know stuff, that's when the floodgates open and I break down, lose the plot, can't hang on anymore, drop the bundle...take your pick. I've only got to get a phone call from one of my sisters asking, "How's it all going?" and I become a blubbering mess. I don't like it when that happens...so I remain closed and come across as this able, capable woman who has her shit together...

...when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. I don't have my shit togther. There are days where I'm like a li'l duck swimming in a pond - looking calm on the surface, paddling furiously underneath.

Furiously is a good word. Deep down I think I was furious. I was brought up in a church that preached "pie in the sky when you die, steak on your plate while you wait," meaning that if you followed Jesus then your life would constantly be wonderful, joyous, full of blessings, healing, deliverance, prosperity...all those nice, powerful words. After Googling that phrase I can still find pastors/teachers/evangelists who preach it. *headdesk* I was furious because no matter how much I prayed, how much I believed, how much I tried to have faith, attend church, tithe, learn...there was still another surgery to go through, another meeting to have trying to get schools to understand our specific quirks, another unsuccessful job application. If there was a God, I felt like He defininitely wasn't interested in us.

I think things started to turn the corner when I started seeing possibly one of the most incredible psychologists to ever grace the planet. For the sake of anonymity, let's just call him Peter. Peter was as tall as I was short. He too was a Christian but was open minded and curious about lots of different alternative ways of thinking. Instead of feeding me the same lines I had grown up with he offered me the idea that most of life is actually mundane, some of it is hard and it's all about finding the peace and joy in the everyday routine and simple pleasures of each day. Life isn't about going from one peachy keen moment to the next thanks to the grace of God. It's about just getting by and making the most of what you've got. I spent a lot of money going to see Peter, but I don't regret a cent of it. Our sessions together helped me to unlearn what I had always believed to be true and start searching for my own truth. 

Since then, and since really contemplating and grasping that concept I have had a lot more peace. More peace than I could have ever imagined. I've let go of the striving and the hoping and the wishing and just accepted that this is what life is for me, for us. 

And I'm ok with that.

That doesn't mean to say that things have all of a sudden got easier. There are days where I feel I am still rolling with the punches. Some days bring about a new thing to cope with and I find myself thinking, "Really? Another one? Enough already!!!" But after a brief time of getting angry and maybe even shaking my fists at the heavens I find myself once again squaring my shoulders and trying to use these new opportunities to grow, learn, gain understanding, wisdom and empathy. I'm far less judgemental than I used to be. I find myself looking at people and wondering what their stories are; what they are struggling with and end up cutting them some slack. 

I think we all need to do that sometimes.

If I'm honest, I can't say that I've reconciled with everything my family and I have been through, have had to walk through, crawl through and hang in there through. A lot of it has been bloody hard and there are times I sit there and think, "What did I do so WRONG?" There are times where I have wished I could have just crawled over broken glass and walked through fire rather than go through some of the things we did...but we did, and still do...and we still manage to come out the other side. Maybe we come out a little battered and bruised, but the point is we come out and we're still alive. 

And we still love and laugh. Last night as I was washing the dishes I listened to my four adult children sitting around the table talking about Christmas plans. For a short while they even started singing different Christmas songs, experimenting with harmonies and melodies together. It was the most beautiful music I'd ever heard. One of them became a little emotional because things are starting to change in regards to our living arrangements and soon they all won't be living together under the same roof. They all came together in a group hug, all lending support to each other. 

I see the beautiful close bond that they have and I wonder if it's been because it's been forged through fire that it's so close and so loving. Maybe they've banded together because they've walked through fire together all their lives?

Maybe I am grateful for the punches and the fire after all....

The Other Side of the Coin

I've always been confused by people who seem determined to dig their own holes, in spite of having clear examples of hope in front of them. Is it that they just want to wallow in their own pain? Is it more comfortable to be there? Does the working toward creating a bright future seem too hard...or is their picture of a bright future unrealistic?

I consider that I'm living a bright life, despite the shadowy bits. The sunshine always casts shadows...and that's ok. Shadows are part of the landscape. I have people who love me. I have a job that pays the bills. I am independent. I am strong, fit and healthy. Wouldn't you think that would be enough to convince someone that life with a genetic condition is still good, purposeful and fulfilling?

You would think so.

But there are those who, in spite of the brightness and soothing warmth of the sun will only look for and focus on the shadows. It's as though the presence of the shadows consume the very brightness that is still shining.

I met a woman and her 8 week old baby daughter in a serendipitous happening at a local supermarket. I was oblivious to her presence until she stopped me and blurted out, "My daughter's like you!" I looked in the carriage and there she was; this dear little baby girl who most definitely did have achondroplasia like me.

We discovered that we lived very close to each other and thus began a friendship of sorts. This woman leaned on me for support, reassurance and advice. Her family watched our family and we were their examples of a family with short statured members all living fulfilling, purposeful, happy lives - despite surgeries, despite attracting public attention simply by walking out our front door.

But it was the staring and comments that this woman focused on. It angered her, upset her...and it was as though she expected that the rest of humanity would not look or stare. In a perfect world this would be lovely...but we don't live in a perfect world.

Instead of watching how we coped with a curious world and gleaning information about how to help her daughter cope, this woman got angrier and angrier...reacting to any form of staring or comments that we or her daughter received. She did not know how to differentiate the natural curiosity of an innocent three year old child and the obvious, cruel taunts of a group of teens that should know better. Staring was staring and the starers, whether they be a three year old child or a sixty year old man bore the wrath of a mother who, I believe deep down, was having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that her baby was born "not quite right".

And, despite all our encouragement and support, the family never really got over it. The little girls difference was at the forefront of their minds all the time. The girl grew up very, very angry to the point of responding with animalistic snarls towards any form of attention she got. The mother never taught her how to be independent so she never learned skills like cooking for herself, shopping, travelling alone. Her mother never even let her daughter have her own ATM card for fear that she would be mugged and robbed, therefore teaching her daughter that the world was out to get her, that she was incapable of defending herself. She never learned to shop for herself, never learned how to catch a bus or a train on her own. 

Now in her mid-20's the girl is a recluse; never leaving the house because she can't deal with the world. She has no job, no life skills, no confidence.

And I started wondering if there was more I could have done...but I know there's nothing more. Sometimes your life can be a good example for another and yet they choose to see what they want to see. It's still not enough. They want anonymity for their child...that sweet, blessed invisibility that the average Joe-Bloe is born with just by being average...or normal...or unaffected by any genetic anomaly. The human race is a curious race and we all, even those of us who are born "different", are curious about anything or anyone who is different to the norm. 

Yesterday I bumped into the mother who was still stuck in her angst and resentment. She acknowledged that by doing everything for her daughter she had created a rod for her own back and raised a child who will never be independent because she was never taught how. She remained negative the entire time I spoke with her and, after telling her of my running plan, became the first person who doubted it's success.

I always knew that I'd been raised to be independent, that by being born first and expected to be the "big sister" I had responsibility thrust upon me at an early age; that by being put into ballet classes, Brownies, Guides, Little Athletics and Youth Groups I was encouraged to be out and about in the community and learned to cope with people's natural curiosity and sometimes rudeness...but I also learned social skills just as any other child my age would; that by being just one of seven children I learned to fend for myself because there was no time to mollycoddle and over protect. But to see the other side of the coin yesterday was a real eye opener and I saw what could've happened if things had've been different for me.

Inhabiting this space

Today I've kind of found it hard to get going. It's not that I don't feel motivated, I'm just taking it slow and have this wonderful sense of well-being that's kind of just slowed me down so I can appreciate just being. What's life if not to enjoy? It's too short to spend it being flat out all the time.

I'm enjoying experimenting with gardening. I'm trying my hand at growing carrot seedlings, kale and radishes. I bought a number of herbs yesterday - parsley, rosemary, chives, mint, coriander and...something else. I have capsicum seeds from a capsicum I bought drying on the kitchen windowsill and will try planting them to see what we get. My friend Joscelyn sent me some stevia seeds that she harvested from her plants so I'll plant those too. The cauliflower, broccoli, leek, silver beet and onions I planted a few months back are growing beautifully and the compost heap is becoming all kinds of juicy. I find it kind of exciting really; watching all this grow and knowing it will one day nourish our bodies. I'd like to get some seed potatoes in the ground one day and I'm seriously toying with the idea of getting an enclosed chicken run and getting some chooks. Lets bring the country to the suburbs!

Add to that the knitting I'm doing and I'm starting to feel as though returning to a simple life and working on becoming self-sustainable is an achievable goal. It will be a lifetime journey that will be ever developing and never ending but fills me with a sense of purpose. Ideas fill my head about making things with my hands and giving them as gifts or selling them and this fills me with excitement, realising that this is possible - maybe not to the grand scale I would like it to be, but to some level at least.

Doing things for myself also fills me with a sense of satisfaction. Getting out in my yard and cutting the grass with a push mower (you know - like those old fashioned ones. No motor.) makes me feel independent. Sure, it's not as "finished" as a mower would do it & the edges could do with whipper-snippering but it looks a darn sight neater after I do it than before. Not only that, but it's great exercise!

I'm feeling very solitary, but I don't seem to mind it. Life is just full of simple pleasures and I feel as though I've slowed down, opened my eyes and seen how rich a simple life can be. Yes there are things I am wrestling with spiritually but I feel these too are part of the journey and will resolve if I just give them time and patience.

Inhabiting a really good place. Now, off to do some baking!

Currently

In lieu of actual worded goodness I thought I'd give you a quick run-down on what I've been getting into since we last spoke.

Currently crafting:

These little beauties. Waffle Knit Dishcloths in Lion Cotton Yarn. 

In the spirit of being environmentally friendly and economically frugal I have decided that knitting my own dishcloths would be a top idea - not to mention soothing to the mind. So far I've made three of these in pink, blue and yellow. All have a flaw because I get distracted and forget where I'm up to with the pattern. Never mind. Dishes don't care if what you wash them with isn't perfect. 

Aren't they lovely though?I'm going to include a number of these as gifts in my family's "Make & Bake" Christmas - hopefully in an assortment of natural cotton colours.

Currently watching:

Fringe. Let me just say that this series has officially made me fall in love with John Noble who plays Walter Bishop. What's with him playing characters with a mental illness. He was pretty left of centre as Lord Denethor in The Lord of the Rings and now he plays Dr Walter Bishop - a scientist whose mental health is more than a little questionable. 

I'm on the last disc of the first season and am completely hooked with the whole idea of telekinesis, time travel, genetic engineering and all things weird, wonderful and totally gross that is Fringe. 

Currently ingesting:

After going to a David Wolfe seminar a couple of weeks ago with my sister I am all about getting all those good, juicy vitamins into me. This is my current favorite - a Vitamin C rich smoothie of freshly squeezed orange juice (I love my juicer!), blueberries, goji berries and 2 teaspoons of chia seeds. It's totally delicious and full of zing. Hopefully this is helping with my iron absorption and getting these joints in tip top order again.

Currently reading:

I've only just started this. It was recommended by an online friend. I'm only into the second chapter but so far I am enjoying it and looking forward to delving further into the authors insights. I am a perfectionist. I know this to be true. I am way too hard on myself and expect myself to live at a standard I wouldn't dream of asking others to reach, so why do I expect these things of myself. I suspect this book will get me thinking.

What are you into lately?

The Happiness Project

Image credit

kikkiK emailed me a $10 voucher for my birthday earlier this month. I love kikkiK, although I don't shop there often. I do love to browse through and look at all the beautiful stationery. I looked at the email on Monday and realised that I only had until the end of this month to redeem the voucher, so I printed it out and went down to my local store as I walked home from work.

It didn't take me long to spot this gorgeous little book sitting on the shelf. I didn't even have to read the blurb, I just had to have it! The title alone spoke to me. I quickly picked it up, redeemed my voucher, paid the balance of $14.95 and it was mine. I can't wait to read it. I'm reading Game of Thrones at the moment  but as soon as that's finished this little book and I have a date!

The Happiness Project chronicles Gretchen Rubin's year long test driving of theories and studies about how people can be happier. I realised when I saw the book that I have been participating in my own Happiness Project for the past year. It's all been unconscious, but I have done a lot of reflecting of late as to why I am happy and how I came to this place of contentedness. 

Here's what I have discovered:

* Smiling!  How simple is that? It's simple but it's powerful. Smiling is relaxing. It takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown. Did you know that? Come on! Everyone knows that! I find that if I smile my mood really does lift. And guess what? I see more people smiling back at me when I'm smiling for no reason except that it feels good. It's contagious! Like the saying goes, if you see someone without a smile give them one of yours! Seriously though, never underestimate the power of smiling. 

* Stop the negative self-talk. Honestly, if I talked to my friends the way I used to talk to myself NO ONE would want to be my friend....and I wouldn't blame them. Everyone wants to be encouraged, so why not start by encouraging yourself? If you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up for it! Just take a deep breath and be thankful that you've learned a new way how NOT to do something. Tell yourself to keep going. Appreciate yourself for putting in time and effort on something. Look at a project you've completed and instead of looking at all the little flaws you know are there look at the finished project and be proud of it. Tell yourself it's beautiful. Tell yourself you LOOK beautiful.

* Physical exercise. Oh my goodness! No one told me that there were so many feel-good endorphins that kicked in when you participate in regular physical exercise. I love this natural high! My addiction is running. I simply love it, but when I started I could barely run 100 metres without feeling I was going to die. I could have given up then and there, thinking I was a hopeless cause, but I persisted because I'd always admired runners and wanted to be one. It paid off. The longest distance I have run is 7 kilometres and I recently participated in my first Fun Run by entering Run for the Kids 5.5km course. Running has improved my mental health exponentially. I feel fit, strong and healthy - physically, mentally and emotionally.  So, find what works for you and go for it! You won't regret it!

* Sunshine and fresh air. Hand in hand with physical exercise comes sunshine and fresh air. I'm not a gym junkie. I don't particularly like exercising indoors. Nothing beats getting out there in the early morning sun and the crisp, fresh air and going for a run - or at least walking briskly. During my lunch break I also like to head out for a walk. I find it clears my head and my mood, giving me the extra oomph to get through the rest of the work day. I also love to spend time on the beach watching the sunset with the kids, walking through the bush and sometimes simply sitting in my backyard being still and appreciating the sun on my face and breeze on my skin. So, get out there and breathe and get some Vitamin D!

* Look after yourself. I was one of those wives and mothers who made sure that everyone else was taken care of and I got what was left over. I guess to some extent I still do this, but I also know how to say "no" more often. If I'm too tired or emotionally drained to do something for someone else I have no qualms in saying so. Sometimes I've even pampered myself - had a massage, taken myself off to read a book and drink a coffee in my favorite coffee shop. I've treated myself to a cute top I've admired, simply because I want to dress nicely. Get more sleep! See a friend! Go to the movies by yourself! 

* Learning to love yourself. There's a vast difference between being "up yourself" and loving yourself. Being "up yourself' is selfish, conceited, borne from the fear that you're actually not good enough so you try and be better than everyone. Loving yourself is gentle. Loving yourself is accepting yourself just as you are. Loving yourself means that you take care of yourself, that you realise you're a beautiful, priceless human being. Loving yourself means taking an honest look at yourself, facing up to the traits you know aren't particularly attractive (like gossip, being judgmental) and challenging yourself to change for the better. Let go of old hurts and bitterness that have been weighing you down and cause ugliness to take root. One of the most WONDERFUL things I've learned about loving myself is that I've found I have SO MUCH MORE love to give out! There's no room for rubbish anymore because there's so much love! How can you love others effectively if you don't know how to love yourself, when you're constantly down on yourself and judging yourself according to how you see others?  

* Find what you love doing and do it passionately. For me, it's running and taking care of my home and family. I also love sewing, knitting and reading. Things like running, sewing and knitting involve repetitive movement. I've found  that repetitive movement soothes me and promotes a sense of calm. I recently finished a Fringed Quilt for my daughter Sarah's birthday. It was so therapeutic sewing this quilt and the best part of all was that she LOVES it because it features fabrics from her childhood. This makes me SO happy.

There are probably hundreds of other items on my Happiness Project List, but these are the big ones. 

I can't wait to read The Happiness Project and get some more ideas!

Grateful for lyrics and talk therapy

I must admit to finding it very hard to write a grateful post this week - hence it's lateness. It's not that there's been anything bad happen and I know and see that there's many, many things to be grateful for; it's just that I'm finding it all very hard to write at the moment due to the fugue I'm in. (or should that me a funk? I don't know.)

My counsellor/therapist has asked me to do three weeks worth of daily writing. Actual writing with a pen and paper. (funny how we have to specify these days) Last session we had was quite intense and so he really believes that I am suffering 20+ years worth of PTSD through the experience of having four children that I have had to hand over to surgeons many times - not just for "little" things like grommets and tonsils (although I acknowledge that those surgeries are indeed invasive and intense for any family to go through), but BIG things......like brain surgery, spinal surgery, major orthopaedic surgery. At the time you just do what you must to get through those things and bring your child through, but the experiences do leave scars and emotional trauma...even though on the surface I have appeared to simply soldier on and get on with it.

Add to that a partner who added stresses of a different kind and you have one very on-edge Leisa. My therapist has asked me to write down as much as I can - thoughts, impressions, smells I can remember, sights, sounds, feelings. Just write it all down as it comes out, whether it be jumbled or coherent or whatever.

I haven't really written much. I've only written a little bit on three different days. It's been a week since I saw my therapist. I write and I can feel my heart pounding. I am anxious. I don't want to go there. I especially don't want to go there when I feel so abandoned. 2011 has been a year of having everything slowly stripped away until there's just me standing here, so to revisit all those traumatic times right now is just a little scary.

BUT, this is supposed to be a grateful post so right at this very moment I am going to turn it around and list my two gratefuls for this week.

1. Talk therapy.

I'm also grateful to my therapists wife who chose the colours and decor of his office. It feels soothing.

I am extremely grateful to have found a therapist who has been there for me for the better part of 12 years. I am really relaxed when I talk to him. Even though he is a Christian therapist I feel ok about letting fly with the "F-bomb" when I need to. I feel as though he doesn't judge me for questioning everything I once accepted as the ultimate truth. He helps me explore other ways of thinking. I feel as though he is on my side - not that there are any sides per se, but I feel as though he cheers me on. I am grateful that he will call a spade a spade, even when I have been reluctant to. He has labelled things for me so that I can get a handle on understanding why I feel so...traumatised. There are times where he and I seem to have lost our way during therapy, wandering off on some little sidetrack, wondering where we're headed, but he always helps me find my way back again. I feel as though I am getting some direction and making positive steps towards wholeness. I know the next six sessions are going to be rough as we deal with the trauma together, but I think once I let this out and let it go I might just come out into a clearing that will help me move forward.

2. Lyrics

I am so grateful for songwriters that put down in words what all this feeling feels like. Yesterday I discovered Adele's Turning Tables - thanks to Gwynneth Paltrow on Glee. Oh. My. Goodness. My life right now in song, right there. Sometimes all those emotions inside just feel so big, so huge that I don't know what to do with them and I can't seem to even make sense of them. Finding a song that expresses them really, really helps me. It's like the songwriter has found the perfect combination of words and melody to just help me get it all out there so it doesn't feel so overwhelming. Turning Tables has been played a lot over the past 24 hours.

Of course it doesn't have to be a hugely emotional song. It can also be an upbeat, feel good song. The kids and I have a bit of a theme song - Keep on Movin' - by Five. It became our theme song during a particularly trying year. Every time I hear it I have wonderful memories of my four little ones - possible no more than aged 12, 9, 8 and 3 - singing along to it in the car. We even had dance moves to go with it. We still play it sometimes when we need a pick up. I feel our resolve strengthening as we sing along.

Come to think of it, I'm also grateful for memories such as these. I am grateful that despite trying circumstances at times, we always found something that would cheer us up, bring us closer and keep us moving.

Joining in the Gratefulness with the lovely Maxabella today. Pop on over and join in too!