2011 wrap up

Hi bloggers.

Life at another level has been on hiatus over the Christmas season, for the simple reason that I haven't had access to a computer and writing a post on the iPhone proves to be a bit of a pain. The last thing I wrote (which I've since edited) ended up publishing the photo and nothing else so I decided not to do it again. That's not to say that I don't get in here and read. I do. It's a lot easier.

Christmas was interesting. I'll give it that. It was a day of doggedly accepting things that I couldn't change and choosing a good attitude about it. It started with us all getting up early and opening gifts together, which was lovely. Then the kids went off with their Dad over to the other side of the city to have Christmas lunch with his family. I was here on my own, dancing around to 80's music, eating fruit and toast for lunch, cleaning the house and preparing food for the dinner with my side of the family at 5pm. Like I said, I chose to be happy despite the strangeness of it all. I mean, what would have been the point of being all morose about it? It didn't feel like Christmas so I kind of treated it as just another day until the kids got home.

Christmas for me started when the kids got home and we all headed off to my sisters and partook of a delicious feast with ALL of my brothers, sisters, their partners and kids. We haven't had that for a very long time and normally I would be over the moon, excited about the fact that we were finally all together if it wasn't for my brother's wife and his two daughters aged 16 and 14. Honestly folks, the sour look on their three faces made me think they all had a reindeer up their butts. Their whole demeanour just screamed, "We hate you all and we don't want to be here!" Don't ask me what the problem is. It's always been that way. The rest of us have tried with them, have always been friendly and accepting, have even tried to get to the bottom of what is is that bothers them but to no avail. It was very hard. I have a photo of them that captures their whole attitude but I won't post it because 1. It upsets me; and 2. Because, despite everything, I still respect their privacy.

Anyhow......the rest of us enjoyed being together. It was feasting and fun and Christmas.

Now we're on the final leg of what has proved to be an extremely difficult year. I won't be sad to see it go. Not at all. I head into 2012 cautiously, knowing that it's a blank canvas and has a lot of potential, but also knowing that it's going to have a bit of a rough start with Georgia's spinal fusion scheduled for January 27 and then the best part of the year recovering.

I have no real resolutions for next year, just things I would like to achieve. The first being that I would like to make gifts for people next year. Birthday gifts will be hand made by me, as well as gifts to welcome new babies, thank you gifts and, (hopefully) Christmas gifts.

The second is that I want to be kind to myself next year.  I've spent the better part of my adult life (starting from the age of 19) putting myself last, making sure the needs and wants of others are taken care of first and then surviving on that which is left over. I've lived in perpetual hope that it will come back to me in some way, but it never has. Some people have developed an expectation that I will just "take care of it" and bounce back.

Sadly, I've reached the end of 2011 with nothing in the tank and nothing in reserve (kind of like my iron levels). It's time to fill my own emotional tank. I think that's part of why I am actually so emotional at this time of the year. I've given out and there's no one giving back.

I'd like to expand my social horizons this coming year.. I want to join some sort of interest/hobby group, where we are all there because we have something in common...and hopefully some friendships will develop. Part of me hopes I meet someone new....although there's another part of me that's been so battered and bruised by my experiences in a relationship that I find myself believing that no one would find me interesting, let alone want to get to know me or (dare I say it) love me. When you've spent your adult life being told that you're just "to much" or "too needy" by the person who is supposed to love you you begin to believe them...especially when you get to the end of that relationship and you look around and realise that the friends you once had are long gone.

Farewell 2011. I'm tired. I'm glad you won't be back. You took a lot out of me and away from me. I hope 2012 will be better.

Christmas Eve Eve

It's almost here. As far as I know, all the gifts have neen purchased. Tonight I am planning to wrap everything and place them under the tree. Tomorrow night, being Christmas Eve, my family and I have been invited over to my best friends place for a lovely dinner with several other families from our church. I'm looking forward to it so much. It will be the first opportunity to just sit back and relax for a while. My friend Pam will undoubtedly have everything in hand and everything under control. She just loves preparing and serving delicious meals for a crowd. This is one aspect of our personalities where she and I are incredibly different. Normally she and I are uncannily alike with our likes and strengths . Not in this area though. She relishes entertaining whereas I become a nervous wreck, unsure of everything and scared I'll get it all wrong.

It's silly really. I don't know why I should doubt myself so much.

Anyway I just thought I would spend this moment wishing you all a very happy Christmas. I hope you all have a wonderfull day. Thank you for your support and encouragement whilst I find my feet and my bloggin g voice. I'm still learning.

See you soon.

The start of 2012

It looks as though 2012 is already shaping up to be an interesting year. I'm not going to say good, or great, or fantastic. Interesting.
I got the job. It's strange. Whenever I get something that I really want I am so ecstatic about it I feel as though I'll burst. Then comes the next day and I start to worry. I'm taking a significant pay cut so I'm starting to worry about that. Then I noticed that for now I'm rostered for 25 hours a week. That's 3 more hours than I do now so it's manageable but is the cut in pay going to be a problem? I know I can do poor. Heck I've done poor all my life! I know how to feed 5 people for a week with $50!
On the upside though are all the reasons I wanted the job in the first place. Not for the money but for the fact that it's in childcare; where I've wanted to be all along. It's what I've trained for, it's where my heart lies. It's also local, in my home town. I get in the car, drive a maximum of ten minutes and I'm there, no more city commute which, on a good day, is a two hour round trip.
I'm close to my home. I'm close to most of my kids which will be really important next year, especially for Georgia.
See, Georgia's having a spinal fusion next year - at the end of January actually. This is a big thing. We spent the best part of today at the Royal Children's Hospital doing all the pre-admission tests - blood work, heart and lung function tests, photos, anaesthetic review and talking with the surgeon. She's all set to go. We just need a date. She'll be in surgery for up to five hours, in hospital for a week and then spending the most of next year recovering.
So, that's my biggest reason for needing to be close to home. I need to work, there's no doubt about it, but I also need to be close by so that if Georgia needs me I'm only five minutes away.
So I guess you could say I'm pretty mixed about 2012. That's why I'm saying that it's shaping up to be interesting. Already it will bring changes. It remains to be seen how these changes will play out.

The constant need to prove...

I had a job interview yesterday. Actually, it was my second interview for this job. I don't know how I did. I'm REALLY kicking myself that I didn't study the Early Years Learning Framework before I went so I  would have been more prepared. I don't know if I won't get the job because I know very little about it. Gee I hope it's not the thing that kills it for me..

This interview has really got me thinking though about how tired I am of the constant battle to prove myself. I know everyone does it in some form or another. We all have to go to interviews and practically sell ourselves, proving to the potential employer that you above all the other applicants are the one they want. But what about if you feel as though you have to prove yourself every day because you are "different". Going into this interview simply highlighted that for me. I have to prove that despite the fact that I am 117cm tall I am still more than capable of looking after babies and toddlers who, in a few short years, will be taller than me and are already half my height if not as tall as me. I have to explain to the employer how I will change the nappy of an 18 month old when putting them on the change table will be "dangerous" to them and me. I have to help the employer work out a way for me to access door handles that are "kid proof" and therefore unreachable. I have to convince them that I can do it...all of it....even what they at first glance think is impossible. And then after that, if I am employed there, I have to daily prove to the parents of the children that their little ones are safe with me, that they're not going to run roughshod over me and be uncontrollable. That I know my stuff, that I can handle their children's tantrums and accidents and that I'm able to comfort them if they are scared and sad.

But I also have to prove that I'm capable in everyday life too - holding down a job, looking after my house, changing the oil and water in my car and filling it with petrol/gas, carrying heavy items, doing my shopping.

Maybe I don't have to prove it? Maybe this is just something I have created in my own mind? Maybe people are just watching, fascinated to see exactly how I do things, rather than wondering IF I can?

Still, I had a heavy sense of having to prove myself in yesterdays interview, even though it was with people who have known me for the better part of 15 years. Maybe that's just the nature of interviews...but at the same time, a couple of those people have also witnessed how I have handled (and sometimes not handled)extremely stressful and trying circumstances over those years.

Gee I hope I get this job. I want it more than you could possibly imagine.

White

On Saturday I went to my very first, honest-to-God, no-doubt-about it White Wedding. I've possibly been to one other but I can't really be sure. No, this bride was not 16, or 18. She was 27.

You know what? There was just something so innocent, so sweet, so....joyous about the celebration. I know all weddings are supposed to be but there was just something special about this one. I was genuinely thrilled for these two beautiful people. There was no time for regrets, no time for wishing that things were different. Every thought was focussed upon the bride and groom and sending them every good thought and wish for their life together. I know that their white wedding doesn't automatically guarantee that their life will always be rosy. They will still have their hard times. I just hope that they will learn that love is a verb, that love is a decision you make every day - despite your feelings, that there will be days where the feelings are definitely not there and, as the pastor said, they will find themselves wondering, "How can someone so beautiful also be so STUPID!" :)

Because loving someone can often be hard, and it's the little things that were so endearing in the beginning that make you want to scream ten+ years down the track. In the beginning you overlook all the crazy little things that are slightly annoying but endearing at the same time because you are so head over heels and besotted with this person who seems to have dropped right out of heaven into your world just to make you happy. Sooner or later though reality hits and you are daily dealing with these things that were once slightly annoying and have now become a major issue and threaten to send you totally around the bend.

I love listening to married couples like my parents who have been together for well over 40 years. I love listening to their stories of how they have weathered the hard times and come out the other side stronger and more committed to each other than ever before. I look back on my parents marriage and see the example they set. I never really saw fights and arguments. I never heard my parents yelling and screaming at each other. I do know that there were really hard times though - health issues, terrible financial stresses, raising 7 children on only one income, seeing 7 children through the teen years. I know that there were times of terrible tension between the two of them, but somehow the tensions were resolved and I never knew how or why. I should sit with Mum and ask her actually.....I'm sure I could learn a few things.....

I look at Mum and Dad and I see a deep love between the two of them that isn't demonstrated by open public displays of affection but by the way in which they relate to each other on a daily basis. I know my Dad thinks my mother is the most beautiful woman in the world and pretty much adores the ground she walks on...but he never says it.....I just KNOW it. Mum, in turn, loves and respects Dad in a beautiful way. She is behind him 100% in everything he does...even if she may not necessarily agree with him. She is there, supporting him and encouraging him...never, ever saying, "I told you so!" or "Well that was stupid!" if things go wrong. She just hangs in there with him. All the time.

I hope our newly married couple from the weekend can have something like that. The world needs more couples like my Mum and Dad.

Bed blog

I'm blogging from the safety of my bed this morning. It's 7:02am and I"ve been awake for 75 minutes already. I woke at my usual time of 5:45am. It's funny how your body and brain creates a routine for you even when you don't need it to. I"ve stayed in bed though. I really don't want to get up. The brain just doesn't want to. I'm worn out.

The reason for this is because Georgia, The Man and I spent yesterday at the new Royal Children's Hospital in Melbourne. It was the first time we'd seen it. After 25 years of knowing the old hospital intimately we ventured into the new, fresh, modern, high-tech wonder that is the new hospital. Amazing! We only got to see the ground floor and we're already impressed. It's aesthetically beautiful. Truly.

Despite this, it's still hospital and yesterday we received news that we really didn't want to hear. Georgia is on the waiting list for spinal surgery. She has a scoliosis - a sideways curve of the spine. Quite a severe one actually. It developed rapidly during puberty and continues to develop despite the fact that G has pretty much stopped growing. In June it was at 73 degrees. Yesterday it measured 90 degrees. There's now no more wondering if surgery is an option. It's now a necessity. Even the surgeon doesn't want her to wait past another 6 months. Too much further and we'll be watching heart and lung function.

I'm not scared. G's not scared either. We're not on panic stations at the moment. Currently she's healthy and strong and there is still some pleasing flexibility in her spine which means that the results if surgery will be really good. What we do feel though is a sense of being beaten. We have endured more surgeries in this family than I really want to write about. G has herself had seven. This will be her eighth - and biggest. Getting both legs broken in two different places and held together with Ilizarov frames when she was only 4 is a walk in the park compared to this. A spinal fusion, according to our chiropractor, is one of the biggest things you can do. We've done fusions before. Sarah and Chloe have had them. We walked into them blind, not fully realizing the implications of what we were doing. Of course back then we had no choice either...but we weren't fully informed. This time we are. Sometimes having all this knowledge and understanding isn't such a great thing....it's still just as confusing.

I know we're doing the right thing but that doesn't make us any less confused or scared or unsure. We know what's ahead, but we're doing it anyway. I'd do anything, absolutely anything, to be able to take this from her; for it to be me on that operating table, not her. It's not though. It's her. All I can do is help her understand, to hold her hand once again as she slips into the nowhere place of anesthetic "sleep", to be the reassuring face when she wakes, to support when she's not herself on all the morphine, to bathe and dress when she can't do it for herself, to encourage during physio, to pretend that I'm not scared at all when inside I'm terrified. See, spinal surgery for us hasn't always gone as planned....

But for now, we wait. We do Christmas. We have school holidays and we have fun. We live as though this isn't coming. We live in spite of this. We possibly live more intensely, sucking up every fun moment that is summer. Next summer the surgery will be all but a memory. There'll be changes to make but at least it will be over. For now, we have this summer. Let's make it a good one!

A bit of Bing

I'm glad to say that Christmas shopping is almost finished. I've discovered that for some reason I can't seem to do it on my own lately. If there's no one with me I tend to just aimlessly wander the shops without any stroke of inspiration at all, however if I have someone like Chloe with me (who, by the way, is an awesome and decisive shopper!) I am ok and get things done. I think maybe this is more a reflection of a mind that is simply on overload than anything else. I'll be glad when this year is over.

We also have our Christmas Tree up and decorated - very late this year, but it's done. Our tradition is decorating the tree to the dulcet tones of Bing Crosby singing all sorts of Christmas carols and reciting the story of Small One the donkey. I don't know when this tradition first started, but it's now become our tradition and we love it. The CD starts off with White Christmas and ends with the story of Small One. Funny thing is that my kids have never seen the movie White Christmas so this week I'm on a mission to buy it to add to our collection. You gotta love a bit of Bing at Christmas. Add to that the gorgeous Danny Kaye and you've got just about the best Christmas movie ever! (or so my chilhood memory tells me. I haven't seen it since I was about 10!)

Christmas Day looks as though it's gearing up to be a good one. It seems as though ALL of my brothers and sisters will be there at my sisters house for a Christmas celebration. That means that all seven of us, plus partners, plus kids which should add up to a gathering of about.....30 people. Good times! I'm looking forward to it!

Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, Tomorrow!

Fridays.

I look forward to Fridays in the same way a five year old looks forward to Christmas. Friday is my day where I don't go to work. Nope! I don't have to get in the car and tackle the Monash Carpark Freeway or St Kilda Rd, or anything. I am not at my usual place of paid employment. I'm a free agent.

Not that Friday is my day to kick back or relax or anything. Far from it. Friday is the day where I schedule appointments and cram as much as I can into the 24 hours that Friday encompasses. Tomorrow won't be any different...however for the first time in a while I will have the house to myself for several hours. Do you have any idea how much I am looking forward to this? Hours to just go crazy with cleaning and tidying and restoring peace and order to the mess.

I've also seriously got to spend some time Christmas shopping. There are only 17 days to go and I have only managed to buy one gift. Just one. I'm kind of starting to freak out a little. I had grandiose plans of making my girls a crochet afghan each for Christmas but there's no way on God's green earth that's going to happen - unless I dedicate every waking moment to crochet....which is impossible. I wish I could though. Anyway, this means that I have to get off my keister and go down to the shops and find things suitable for a 24 year old, a 21 year old, a 20 year old and a 15 year old. Any suggestions?

One day I am going to do what I resolve every year and start my Christmas shopping in July, or by September and the VERY latest. At least then I have money courtesy of Mr Taxman. I resolve every year that I will do it but like all New Years Resolutions it falls by the wayside, along with the resolve to stop swearing, blog on a daily basis and finish all the unfinished quilts lurking in the cupboard.

So, tomorrow being Friday I will resolve to get each of my kids sorted. We're having a simple Christmas this year - clothes and things they need. Surely I can get that done?

Wordless Wednesday - Lunch break

Scenes from my afternoon lunch break in sunny South Melbourne.

Participating in Wordless Wednesday with Faith Hope & a whole lotta love.

Future Kids

Yesterday my family and I went to the annual Victorian SSPA Family Christmas Picnic. Despite windy, cold weather it was a lovely day.

I was astounded at the number of families who were there. So many of them! All of the children were no older than 10 years old. There were a couple of families there with babies under 6 months - all new little ones with a dwarfing condition.

I loved watching the little ones run around and play together. As I watched I thought, "Was I ever that cute?" Honestly, your heart just melts. I watched as new friendships were formed between the children and the parents got to spend time together chatting, catching up and gaining that reassurance and understanding that only a support group such as ours can offer. I spent time with some of the new parents with babies newly diagnosed with achondroplasia. I love listening to their stories...from when they first learned of the condition of their baby, through to acceptance and to where they are today. It's both heart-wrenching and exhilarating. One theme runs true though - that everything turns out ok in the end, that things aren't scary and as bad as they thought and that they are so in love with and proud of their child just the way he/she is. I love answering their questions. I love the hope I see in their eyes as they look around at the group, seeing short statured children running around having a ball, adult people with short stature living fun and fulfilling, purposeful lives and other families just like them who are able to relate to where they're at.

I watched those little ones running around and realised I was looking at the SSPA's future. My hope for them is that they are able to take it further than we have, that they will achieve more than we did, that they will also show the world that we're just regular people in a smaller body.

I wanted to take lots of photos to capture the goodness of yesterday but I didn't. Somehow I knew that these families needed their privacy. For a short while at an SSPA event you're just part of a crowd. You're not different, you're not unusual. You're just part of the group. I wanted to preserve that for them. I know how much I crave anonymity and invisibility when I'm out in public so I wanted to at least give them that respect.

Oh but the cuteness!!!

Pizza night

Last night my brother invited us all over for a pizza night at his place. No, we don't order pizzas in. Lane cooks the pizzas from scratch, from the dough to the toppings. The result is a wonderful smorgasbord of delicious pizzas that are devoured within minutes of coming out of the oven, accompanied by a multitude of salads brought along by the rest of us and washed down with some beautiful wine.

These nights with my family are my favorite times. Our kids all get on really well and enjoy spending time together. We, as siblings, just sit around and talk and laugh. It's great.

Times with my family centers and grounds me again. It's as though I come back to the place where I find myself again. All facades fall away, the public face goes and I am just me; accepted and loved and a part of something good. I don't have to try, there's no effort involved. I just....be.

It's like coming home, even though there's now no longer a family home to come to. The home is the family and wherever the family gathers. When my parents sold the family home I was scared I'd feel homeless, but I don't. Home is wherever we all are.

Sent from my iPhone

Let's Play A-Z

Playing along with Faith Hope & a whole lotta love.

A. Age - 44
B. Bed - Double
C. Chore that you hate - Ironing, closely followed by washing dishes.
D. Dogs - Maya, my 4 year old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel - blenheim. (white and tan)
E. Essential start to your day - Jogging and a cup of tea. (not at the same time)
F. Favorite Colour - green
G. Gold or silver? Silver
H. Height? 117cm
I. Instruments you play - Does the air drum count? Otherwise, none.
J. Job Title - Administration Assistant and general dogsbody
K. Kids - 3 grown ups and one teenager
L. Live - In south east Melbourne - right on the fringe.
M. Mothers name - Sue
N. Nicknames - Leis' and Prowdy
O. Overnight Hospital Stays - Teeth pulled when I was about 10, several nights following all of my 4 c-sections.
P. Pet peeves - people without a permit parking in disabled access parking OR delivery people and tradies parking there.
Q. Quote from a movie: "I hear them! I hear them Daddy I do!" (from Prancer)
R. Right or Left Handed? Right
S. Siblings - two brothers and four sisters. (all younger)
T. Time you wake up? 5:45am when the alarm goes off.
U. Underwear - whatever's comfortable.
V. Vegetable you hate - peas
W. What makes you run late? Traffic. I leave on time but the Monash carpark Freeway is a shocker.
X. X-rays you've had - I recently had a full spinal series done for my chiropractor, other than that, one on my arm when I was a teen and a full body set done when I was a baby and again when I was six.
Y. Yummy food that you make - Chilli concarne, Tomato and lentil soup, Apricot Coconut Slice
Z. Zoo animal - I love the giraffe. Such beautiful eyes.