After the lights fade....

Rehearsing the nightmare. (photo credit: Jennifer Tran)

It’s addictive, the adrenaline that comes from performing; the collaborative process of taking an idea brought to the floor by one brilliant creative mind and then exploring, pushing, creating, experimenting, trying things out, recycling, rehashing and playing together.
Of going places in ones mind where you open up the Pandora’s box of daydreams and nightmares, secrets and desires, sorrows, joys and imagination; discovering aspects of yourself that you either never knew, were too afraid to explore or that you hid away because they were so precious that you needed to protect them from the scrutiny of others.
But in the safe environment, away from all that, you find a place where you can dare to give form to those dreams. You get to.set free that dancer, that diva, that beautiful creature you’re secretly proud of and want to show others.
The lights come up and there she is - open, unafraid, bold even. She is there in the light, the shadow and the darkness and invites others in to glimpse part of her soul. She pours the whole of her being into the character she inhabits, being a totally different creature to the person she is in her everyday life while at the same time knowing full well that in that moment, she is being everything she actually is. There is a stripping away of the roles she is expected to play - the dedicated mother, the wife, the daughter, the executive assistant, the friend - so that she can explore the light and the dark of who she is. Dancer, dreamer, envious bitch, wistful wanderer, diva, fashionista, lost, haunted, dreamer of nightmares.
Other beings inhabit that place with her and together they move and pulse giving and receive energy to and from each other as they weave together a world that is both familiar and foreign. Time and space cease to exist. The only places are those circles of changing light in which they stand. 

The energy is electric, the air alive with imagination. Dreams take form as they move through the space together; slowly…and in stillness. They discover together that stillness has it’s own energy and they learn to be still and just feel the dream unfolding.
The music carries them through the dream, evoking stillness at first and then leading them to a crescendo of chaos where bodies collide, writhe and give release to a shared energy. It’s easy to get carried off in that moment. Carefully rehearsed ideas can sometimes be forgotten in those moments, but the audience remains oblivious and the players just carry on, finding their way back to where they should be. It all becomes part of the dream anyway.
Then the music fades. The stage lights dim. The house lights come on, and she finds herself in a line with all the other beautiful creatures, taking a bow and feeling so high on adrenaline and endorphin she wants to do it all again. 

The dream is over but the memory remains - even in the exhausted muscles of her body she remembers.

A year of breaths

Dearest Stell',

I've taken a years worth of breaths.

When you left us so suddenly a year ago I could hear you from the in-between.

"Breathe Leis'.......just breathe."

So I did.

Not a single day has gone by this year where you haven't flitted across my thoughts at least once. Every single time I have sighed because I miss you more than I can ever express but smiled because I am so incredibly grateful to have counted you as a friend.

I've needed to talk to you so many times this year Stell'. There's been so many things I've wanted to share with you; things that would've made your face crinkle up with excitement in the way I loved so much.  I've wanted to ask your advice, get your perspective on things and tell you what I've been up to. It's been a rough year Stell'. I'm not going to pretend it hasn't been, but all throughout I've grown and learned and become more confident in my ability to handle what life's thrown at me. I've kept on breathing. Sometimes that's all I could do.

I'm getting proud Stell. Maybe not in the way people see the pride that you spoke about, but I've become proud of myself and everything it encompasses. I feel as though I've landed in my skin and finally appreciated this little body for everything it is rather than hating it for everything it isn't.  I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.  I thought I'd shrivel up and die being alone Stell, but I haven't. I think you'd be pretty chuffed with that news.

I can't ever see myself as being an outspoken and passionate disability rights activist as you were, but each time I am out and about being me, practicing my pride and doing things I love without hesitating worrying about what people are thinking, I know I'm moving forward. Sometimes change is small and comes from within. Thank you Stell, for opening my eyes to change.

I still smile like crazy when I hear Uptown Funk. I still feel you stroking my hand sometimes, especially when it approaches the anniversary of Chloe's long stint in hospital. I still feel your presence as I walk past the Art Gallery and remember the time you, Maddy, Sarah and I went to see the Picasso exhibition and one of the guards thought that Maddy was our carer. I still hear you shout out, "Crips ahoy!" when I see a group of people in wheelchairs. Every single memory makes me smile. To know you was to love you Stell.....and I really, really loved you.

I promise you that I'll breathe through another year, and then another....and some more after that. I'll keep practicing, I'll keep celebrating and I'll keep loving life, sucking the very marrow out of it (in spite of being a vegetarian!) in the same way you did. You may not have had many years Stell, but you LIVED. You really, really lived...and it's the thing I remember and loved about you the most. While you were here you LIVED.

Miss you Stell. Always will. xxx