Loving your teen

You know how you have a blog post churning around in your head that is so different from anything else you've ever posted? Well, this is one of those. It's partly to do with being short statured, a lot of what it was to be younger me and a real lot to do with Christianity, faith and the reconciling of all of these within my own heart.

This post started forming when we had a visit from some friends in hospital. Christian friends. Friends we have had for a very long time. I love these people as though they were my own family, so this is in no way a criticism of them but rather the result of some heavy duty thinking in my brain space.

The daughter of my friend is the same age as my youngest so they have grown up together. She has recently acquired a boyfriend - a lovely young guy, friendly, polite, thoughtful. He's the kind of guy you would want your young teenage daughter to be with. I'm happy for them both - actually everyone is.

Having said that though there is much talk surrounding remaining chaste before marriage. They are chaperoned and there have been instructions not to even exchange a kiss before the age of eighteen. (she is not quite 16) Again, I have no issue with this and respect the wishes of the parents. As a parent myself though, I don't expect my almost-sixteen-year-old daughter to comply with these standards. In an ideal world, sure! It would be lovely to think that the first time she sleeps with her love will be on their wedding night, but I'm also a bit of a realist. My only hope is that she has one partner. Ever. Maybe that's me being an idealist.....

When I was a teen I remember going to church youth events where the main focus was on staying chaste and pure. No holding hands, no kissing, no touching and definitely, undoubtedly, no sex. Whatsoever. We had the fear of God put within us.

The trouble was there rwas so much focus put on keeping us all on the straight and narrow that there was no talk about what to fill the gap with. There was no talk about how important it was to love your teenager, how important it was for fathers to tell their teenage daughters how beautiful they were, to hug them, to cherish them. We. Just. Had. To. Be. Good! We were watched and told not to do it!

My parents loved me. I know they did. I have no doubt about it. They did the very best they could with what they knew. They tried to do the right thing and I will respect them and love them for all time because of that. But we weren't a huggy family. We weren't even big on "I love you".

And I needed hugs. Oh how I needed hugs. I needed to be told I was beautiful, or pretty, or lovely, or special....because all my other average sized friends were being asked out and were getting boyfriends and I wasn't. And I felt just like them. There were certain boys at school that I "loved" so much I though I would die but being different, there was no way they thought of me in "that" way. So I needed my Dad to hug me and tell me that I was pretty. But he didn't.....even though I KNOW he thought so. He was just a private man, self conscious. So he didn't tell me and I silently yearned for someone to hold me and tell me I was beautiful.

And then I met him...and he did all those things....and for once in my young life I felt beautiful and special and wanted and really, really loved in all those ways a girl wants to be loved. And, even though I thought I would go to hell (because that's basically what I grew up to believe), I slept with him at the tender age of almost-nineteen because I thought that an eternity in hell was a fair price to pay for the wonder of being loved and wanted and feeling beautiful. I didn't care. I honestly didn't care. I was loved. Or so I thought.

So when I hear these Christian parents laying down the law for their teen kids I can't help but think, "Yes, but what are you replacing those "No's" with? Are you loving your kids? Are you hugging them? Fathers, are you telling your little girl that she's the most beautiful girl in the world? Does she know that she's the apple of your eye? Are you getting to know them? Giving them time? Letting them tell you their hopes and dreams?"

And when you really think about it, is loving someone like that the worst your teen can do?

I know that doing all of the above is no guarantee that our teens will remain chaste until they are married. I kind of don't expect it anymore, but I do believe that it will go well towards helping them make more informed and thought out choices rather than simply giving themselves away because they are so desperate to be loved and cherished and feel special to that one special someone. I kind of have a feeling it may have helped me a little back then.....

P.S. LOVE YOU MUM AND DAD!!!

Crochet love

Look at what I picked up down at the RCH Auxiliary for the bargain price of $15! Isn't it beautiful? I know it's worth so much more than that because I know the work that goes into them. This one is destined for my bed. I love it. I really do.

The other side

I can't even begin to describe the relief that is today. Our whole existence for the months leading up to yesterday was about yesterday. It was our entire focus - keeping her calm, healthy and ready; doing all the things that needed to be done in order for yesterday to run as smoothly as possible. Although there are many physical things you have to do to prepare - blood tests, ECG's, lung function, Xrays, chiropractic adjustments - it's the emotional preparations that are the most taxing. The battles you have in your own mind - are we doing the right thing? Is there an alternative? The fear. - are the things that consume your every waking moment until the time where she's finally asleep and they're wheeling her into theatre. Even then, you're still questioning your decision, but there's no turning back and there's no alternative but to wait the long wait, pray for her safety and trust that those working on her do the best job possible.

But now we're on the other side and there's definitely no going back - nor do we want to. Her relief is palpable, as is mine. I glance at her stats on the machine but they don't call for my attention at all, in fact they just confirm what I can see in front of me- my girl doing well.

The world outside & at home is going about it's own business but in here we feel enveloped in a cocoon of peace & relief. Nurses come in and do their thing, make her comfortable and tell her how well she's doing, a physio came in before & had a little chat, her consultant has been in to say hi and confirmed she's doing beautifully. This is our life at the moment and I'm content for it to be so.

It feels so good to be on this side of things. It really does. I, for one, am not looking to move from here too quickly.

Looking to tomorrow

Tomorrow is my youngest daughters surgery date. She is having her spine fused tomorrow between T4 and L3. It's a big one. They estimate she'll be in theatre for between 6 to 8 hours. They'll be starting at around midday, as long as the case before her is straightforward and there are no emergencies that come up.

I won't lie and say that I'm not nervous. I am. Anyone would be. However I know that she is in good hands. I have confidence in the surgeon. I have confidence that we have made the right decision to proceed. This is our best option. You know that place that falls between a rock and a hard place? That's where we are. We are well aware that she will have a different set of issues after the surgery but these are ones she can live with. The consequences of not doing the surgery are not good.

So, we put on our brave faces. Being brave doesn't mean being scared or nervous. Being brave means that you're scared but you do it anyway.

She and I have planned the day like a birth plan. She has her own comforting blanket packed. We've planned the words we will say as we enter the anaesthetic room. She's told me the song she wants me to sing to her as she heads into the oblivion that is anaesthetic sleep. It's important to adhere to these things. They help keep the panic at bay.

I will keep my brave face on until I see her drift off. It will be then that the bonds of self control will fall away and I will finally show how I really feel. My baby will be going somewhere I can't go too. She will be in the hands of people who care for her but who can't possibly love her like I do.

For her, it will feel like it happens in an instant. She will drift off and then feel as though she is waking again straight away. She will be aware of a passage of time but it will still feel as though it has happened in an instant.

For me, there will be the long wait - a six to eight hour wait. The wait where you try and keep occupied and distracted. I will try and crochet some granny squares but I don't think I'll get many done. I will try and read some more of my book, but I know I'll just keep reading the same page over and over. I will drink coffee without really tasting it. I will talk to people but I won't really listen to what they say back to me. My mind will be elsewhere. My heart will be in that Theatre, beating along with hers, waiting.....waiting......waiting for her to come back to me.

I would give all I have for it to be me in that Theatre tomorrow. I wish it were me. She's already had enough surgeries. Too many. I thought this one was one we'd never have to even contemplate, but here we are. My mind drifts back to the day I held my nine month old Little G and they told me, "We've reviewed the X-rays and it appears that she does have the changes associated with Pseudoachondroplasia." I grieved. Oh how I grieved! I was astounded by the grief I felt. I knew that I'd see changes slowly happen to her, but I didn't expect this spinal one at all. At all. This one came out of left field. I expected the leg issues. I expected the joint issues....but not this.

I wish it were me. How I wish it were me!

But it's not me. It's her and she's facing it with courage and grace. So much grace! She apportions no blame. It just is. She is handling everything as best she can by informing herself of what she's in for. She has talked to the doctors, she has chatted with her chiropractor, she has Googled and YouTubed as much as she can. All of it has been helpful.

And she has needed hugs, and hair stroking, and Tim Tam Chillers.....and time with the people who love her most. She's filling her tanks so she can face what's ahead. Her calm, beautiful face belies the anxious heart beneath.

When she wakes we will be there. Ours will be the first faces she sees. We'll see her though the first three days where the drug cocktail takes her places away from the pain, when her body will swell with fluid from the trauma. She has asked that I document it with photos and videos so she has a record of her experience. I hope I'm strong enough.

I can't wait to see those beautiful baby blues on the other side of all this. I can't wait to see her face when she looks in the mirror for the first time and sees the positive changes this surgery will bring. I can't wait to see her happy with her appearance again. Her appearance will be the bonus for her. She's having this surgery for her health - so her heart and lungs will continue working at their fullest capacity, not being hindered by an ever-increasing spinal curve. That is our PRIME motivation. But it comes with a BONUS - that being that her posture is straight. To a fifteen year old girl, that's important.

Tomorrow. It all happens tomorrow. The wait will be over. The tensions will begin to go. Tomorrow will be the beginning.