Dancing Ground Debrief

I took the wonderful opportunity of participating in Dancing Ground over last weekend. Dancing Ground is a not for profit organisation dedicated to promoting community through dance and movement. It is a family-oriented weekend that hosts many different types of workshops for both adults and children alike. You don't have to be a skilled dancer to attend Dancing Ground. You just have to bring a sense of adventure, fun and a positive attitude.

I'd heard about Dancing Ground through Lauren from Sparkling Adventures and it sounded like such fun I thought I'd give it a try. I was both excited at the prospect of participating and nervous about putting myself among a whole group of people I'd never met before. I asked if any of my family wanted to attend with me and thankfully one of my sisters put her hand up so I felt a little more brave.

We arrived at the Gilwell Park Camping Ground on Friday evening and was greeted with a community of colored tents draped with brightly colored bunting..

After registering and receiving our wristbands we drove further into the grounds to find a campsite. Even though the evening was approaching we decided to wait to put up the tent until we had some dinner. And oh what dinner it was! Beautiful, organic vegetarian fare prepared by New Earth Catering. It was delicious! As we were eating we were handed a small, green cord that we were supposed to bring along to the Opening Ceremony. I was hoping we'd be able to get there but we had to erect our tent before it was dark. I met Lauren and two of her lovely daughters - Calista and Delaney. It is so lovely to see someone you've admired for a while in person. I was really taken with the gentle, calm nature of Lauren and the girls. They really are beautiful souls.

Luckily it was still fairly light when we finished and we managed to erect our two-person tent quickly.

(This was taken the next afternoon)

We missed the Opening Ceremony unfortunately, so we never knew what we were supposed to do with the green cords. On reflection, I think Opening Ceremony would have made our introduction to Dancing Ground a lot smoother than it was as it may have fostered a sense of belonging. Instead, we headed up to the dancing space after the 5-Rhythms Workshop had already started and both my sister and I felt a little apprehensive and nervous about joining in. 

Sitting on the outside, looking in; wanting to join in so desperately!

With every fibre of my being I wanted to get over myself and join in. The music was calling me to just set everything aside and just dance with freedom and abandonment...but I felt conspicuous...very aware of my own physicality and difference. But I knew my awareness was with me only. All the other dancers were just entering into the spirit of things, letting their body move naturally to the feel of the music. I just stayed on the other. Miserable with myself.

Would I have joined in if I was on my own? Probably. I felt so self conscious. I also didn't want to leave my sister on the sidelines. Still, there was the promise of the workshops scheduled the next day.

We went to bed but didn't sleep well on the hard ground. Morning arrived and I woke with new determination to participate. I hurried up to the main tent to join in with the Hatha Flow yoga class and was so glad I did. The poses and stretches served to wake me up and promote a sense of calm. I was a little confronted when we had to partner up for a couple of exercises but the guy in front of me just turned around and partnered me without a bat of an eyelid. Again, I felt the sense that it was my own self-consciousness holding me back rather than the reluctance of others not knowing "what to do with me".

As my sister and I were preparing to head in to nearby Gembrook for a sneaky cup of coffee, we walked past the main tent and was attracted by the sound of the West Afro Dance Party Dance workshop with Sackey. It looked like such fun, so we decided we'd join in. I'm so glad we did! You couldn't help but smile the whole way through the 90 minute invigorating workshop. Sackey, the facilitator, brought a whole wealth of cultural experience from Ghana and his passion was evident and infectious. He got our whole bodies moving and the funny thing was that no matter how tired we were getting our bodies just kept wanting to move to the rhythm. We loved every second of it!

After coffee and lunch I participated in the Sound Healing workshop with Dave Holtz. Lauren had spoken about Sound Showers on her blog and so I was keen to investigate this for myself. I found Dave's workshop beautiful and relaxing as the sounds resonated around and through me. I felt myself drifting off a few times which was lovely but for the most part I reflected on my gratefulness for the life I have now and the journey I've taken thus far. 

Contemplating under the trees.

We didn't stay for the rest of the Festival; deciding instead to pack up early and return home. Although I was disappointed I knew I had participated in the workshops I was really interested in and it was the time to exercise unselfishness and compassion. I felt peaceful about leaving. 

I would like to attend Dancing Ground again. I feel as though I have more to learn, more to confront within myself. I learned that I still have a way to travel on this journey towards self acceptance and self love, that I still struggle with being judgmental, that I am still working out who I am and that I struggle with my own physicality rather than actually being judged by others for it. 

I've learned that I am more brave than I realised, fitter than before and that I am still loved wholly by the Creator of the Universe. 

Literal vs Figurative

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Have you ever thought about how much of the way we listen, speak and understand comes from implied language?

No?

I didn't either, until I started working with someone on the Autism Spectrum. (AS) I work with Akash, who identifies as "an Aspie" or "someone with autism". He is very high functioning - I'd call him a brainiac. He'll talk your ear off, he knows how to get your computer working better, stronger and faster (like the Six Million Dollar Man), he knows about film and photography, he writes music and lyrics....basically he's super smart!

We have struck up a friendship through a project Akash dragged me into. And I do mean dragged. He just came to me one day and said, "Come with me! I need you to interview *this person* for our new e-magazine!"  and Take 5 with Leisa was born! Akash just throws me into these interviews. I know nothing about the person, nothing about what they do, up until I interviewed Samuel Johnson from Love Your Sister two weeks ago.

I learn a lot from Akash, possibly because he is so vocal and up front about his disability. If he doesn't understand something he will say so....and because of that I have realised how much of our spoken language also includes unspoken inferences.

For example, one of our colleagues walked past Akash's office yesterday with a plate of food and announced, "I have food!"

Now those of us who have no problems processing language and the inferred meaning behind it know that the meaning of the sentence, "I have food!" is, "I have food left over from the catering for the meeting we just had. You are all welcome to share it if you would like!"

But Akash doesn't know that. He furrowed his brow and said to me, "So....she has a plate of food? What does that mean? I can see she has a plate of food!" So I had to explain to him the implied meaning behind the sentence. Although he understood that the food was now there to share he thought that announcing that, "I have a plate of food!" was silly and akin to just randomly announcing, "I am wearing shoes!"

So I've been thinking a lot about that since yesterday and realised that most of us understand what each other is talking about because we understand inference and implication whereas someone on the AS might not. It's like speaking a different language to them....or it is to Akash anyway.

Now I know to be very literal with Akash and to say what I mean. When we are filming another episode of Take 5 I can't say to him, "Darn it Akash! I didn't put my face on today!" He won't understand it. I need to say, "Akash, I am really concerned because I haven't got my make up on and I wish I did because the lights make me look like a ghost. I need to wear makeup!"

But then again....that confuses him too.....because he can't understand the concept of makeup. He thinks that's silly and a waste of time too.

And honestly, he possibly has a point. Why do we feel the need to cover our faces?

Akash opens up a whole new way of thinking I'd never considered before.

Love Your Sister...and your brother.

I can't begin to imagine what losing a sibling is like. I can't imagine what it would be like knowing they only had a limited amount of time and then watching their slow, inexorable decline.

I went to see Samuel Johnson off yesterday as he launched his 15,000 kilometre unicycle ride around Australia. You might remember Samuel from the show The Secret Life of Us, as the voice of Vodafone, Pedigree and his recent stint on Rush. For those of you who aren't aware, Samuel Johnson's sister Connie is dying of breast cancer so Samuel is embarking on a world record breaking unicycle ride around Australia to raise money for the Garvan Institute & to raise breast cancer awareness. I interviewed him for my web program Take 5 with Leisa about a week ago. He's a lovely bloke with a real heart of gold. After the interview I promised I'd come to the launch to wish him well.

I arrived early and he saw me standing there, waved enthusiastically and came down off the stage to give me a hug. I met the brave Connie who has not only battled cancer once but THREE times. It may take her body this time but it won't take her spirit.

Samuel will be gone for a year. Connie is determined to still be here when he returns. I hope so...her children are still so very, very young.

Today I feel as though I've lived a semi-charmed kind of life. I have two brothers and four sisters. We're still here. Tragedy has not visited us. I don't ever take that for granted. Life is fragile..but we need to remember to live as though its not. I want to catch up with my family more, laugh with them more, share memories and new experiences. One day one of us might not be here to do that anymore - and that one of us may even be me.

There's so much more I could say about yesterday, but I'll leave it for another time. The Johnson's story has affected me deeply and they're on my mind tonight.

If you want to know more of Samuel and Connie's story, please head to www.loveyoursister.org . Samuel would like to raise $1 million for the Garvan Institute. Please think about a donation.

For now, I'll leave you with some images from yesterday.

The Boobmobile!

Get your merchandise here!

Samuel and MC for the day - Molly Meldrum

Molly and me. 

Samuel and me

Meeting the lovely Connie.

It was such an honor meeting Connie. She is so gracious.

Connie takes the stage to deliver a very heart-moving speech. Not a dry eye in the house I tell you!

And he's off! The hearts of the country go with you Samuel!

Okay

Reflective today. Echoes of past comments flit through my mind as I lay here.

"You may not beat them in height but you'll beat them in width."

"Come and get your legs prayed for. They're crooked."

"You walk funny."

"Your bottom sticks out!"

It's wonderful to get to a space where I'm okay with all that. It's good to give those echoes a nod of acknowledgement and move forward.

It's good to be happy in my own skin. I wouldn't have chosen this and I wonder why it was me, but despite the lack of choice and the fact that it is me, I am happy and content.

I look down at these bandy tibias and I shrug. They're ok. They run 5.5km four days a week. They have definition and tone now. They work. In my mid-20's I looked at women like me in their 40's and a lot of them were losing mobility. I thought that was going to be my fate too. I thought spinal stenosis would catch up with me.

But it hasn't and I am grateful. I wonder if its luck, good genes or hard work? Maybe a combination of the three.

Either way, in the words of Forrest Gump, "I think Lieutenant Dan made his peace with God."

I think I've made peace with Him too.

Call me crazy but...

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I cannot begin to tell you how much I love running.

It's actually really surprised me how much I enjoy it. 

Despite the fact that my morning alarm wakes me too early at 5am and the night seemed to have flown by, I love the feeling of putting on my gear and my shoes, grabbing my iPhone and earphones, clicking on RunKeeper and heading out the door in the quiet of the morning, where it's still dark and most of the world hasn't yet woken.

I usually do a warm up walk for about a kilometre. Then I stretch out my hip flexors as advised by my chiropractor. Then I start running.

The first wall hits within the first 200 metres. I wonder if it will be today that I give up and say that it's all too hard. I argue with my mind and body. 

"Come on! You know this is the first wall. It always happens. Push! It will get better!"

Then comes a shuddering breath and I'm through.

This morning's run was....dare I even say it....a pleasure? I didn't think it would be. I was all geared up for it to be a slog. Hormonally I'm headed into a rough patch. Apparently my hips kind of lock up as I head towards my period and this is the week it normally happens. It didn't. I hadn't even really planned to jog. Just a brisk walk. But when I got down to the reserve a kilometre down the road (well, actually it's just under 800m) I did a stretch and started....and ran......and the wall wasn't too bad....and I kept going and going and going.

The second wall hits around 3.5km in and I slow down a bit but today it wasn't too bad and I kept going through it, enjoying the rhythmic pounding of feet on pavement. My breathing had managed to find a steady, easy rhythm. My mind felt clear and I let it meander around my thoughts and clear out some of the cobwebs.

I finished off the last kilometre with a lap around the reserve across the road from my house. Normally the last 200m are a nightmare with my muscles screaming for the end. Not today. As I approached the end I thought, "I really could do another lap!" but I didn't because of time constraints. Maybe next time.

I jogged a total of 5km and walked 0.94km at an average of 9.13min/km.  It felt great. I got home and devoured breakfast. Running makes me hungry.

I registered for the 5.5km course for Run for the Kids yesterday. I think I'm ready.

Disconnection

*This post is an excerpt of a diary entry I wrote earlier today*

My ways of thinking have changed so dramatically over the past two years, but I do find myself wondering if these patterns of thought and belief were laying dormant all along and I'd only been conditioned to think and act the way I did because it was the accepted way? It makes me almost long for another child and do things differently; not being bound by so many "right" things but rather, choose the way of instinct and listening to my heart and choosing more natural ways of doing things. Don't get me wrong, most things I did just fine but there were some things I did because it was expected. These days I find myself wondering if I would vaccinate, if I would choose PGD with IVF, if I would send a child to kinder or school?

It's Sunday morning and I'm still feeling niggles of guilt that I haven't gone to a place of worship. There's still the fear of "you should be there" but I know that this is only the residual guilt of not doing what I was taught was the "right" way to do things. The sheer thought of entering that noisy auditorium with its loud music and people jumping around and singing just fills me with dread and I know I simply. Can. Not. Do. That. Anymore. I just want to go to a beach and walk along in the clean, salty air with the wind in my face and the sound of the ocean in my ears and feel connected to Something or Someone that's so infinitely more than I could even imagine and know that I am somehow part of some greater plan. It's in times like that where I know I'm okay and loved and acceptable just as I am rather than fitting into some cookie cutter mould of what being a "Christian" is and what faith looks like.

Having said all that though I find I long for the companionship and connection with like minded souls. I still am very much a loner - mostly happy with that, but sometimes longing for more. I'm looking forward to spending time with my sister at Dancing Ground and hoping to also connect with another online friend who shares similar thoughts to me in regards to spiritual matters. I am nervous about being amongst new people though. J and I had a conversation recently about my nervousness around other people and he said that in the beginning I came across as confident and friendly, chatting to new people with an openness he doesn't see anymore. I realised that my social phobia has developed over the years from the message "we don't want you" that seemed to reflect back from groups and people I held in good esteem. Eventually my self confidence was shot and I became the more reclusive Leisa you see today.

This is why my "Take 5" internet show is such a positive challenge for me. Akash is just throwing me in there without preparation; making me talk to people I've never met and know nothing about. It forces me to make conversation, ask questions, give feedback and learn to enquire. It forces me to come out of myself. The people involved in the show say I'm a natural at it but I'm not. No one knows how much work it takes. At the same time though I'm glad for the work and I'm glad for the feedback because it helps me see that I'm on the right track and I getting better at being an interactive human. (sounds like a brand of toy that's made by Mattel!)

On blogging

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This blogging business is a hard gig, I have to tell you.

Blogging is different to an online diary. A diary can be a place to hang out and air out - a place to relax with friends over a cuppa or a glass of wine or whatever. In a diary you can spill your guts and say almost whatever because you can make it Friends Only and only a trusted audience can see it...or if you want to just really let out all your angst, vitriol or hatred and everything that's rotten and evil about yourself you can just pound on the keys and hit Private.

Not so with blogging. The purpose of a blog (I have to keep reminding myself) is to get your thoughts out there, to tell a story, to be read, gain readers and have feedback. It's public. It's public. It's public. 

I must remember that.

It's public. 

That means everyone can see it. (der!)

So blogging requires different language. Blogging requires honoring people with anonymity or honoring them by not writing about them at all. Blogging requires permission from others sometimes.

Blogging does, in a way, require self-censorship. Is it okay to post this? Have I gone too far? Have I said something that may hurt someone close to me? Blogging means that you have to re-read, re-edit, re-think, re-write and sometimes keep something in Drafts until you're sure or hit DELETE when you're not. I need to learn when to use the DELETE button.

In the blogging world I am surrounded by people who blog in all sorts of different ways and with different voices. There are some that stick to a theme - like crafting or homemaking, there are the Mummy-bloggers, there are the blogs that review movies and books and products, there are the activist blogs. Some people share a little, some people share their thoughts, some people stick to their theme religiously and some people share EVERYTHING - or so it would seem - births, deaths, addictions, mental illness, sex, falling in love, falling out of love, their child's firsts - first poo, first bath, first breastfeed, first chuck. It's hard sometimes to find your own voice and work out what you're okay about sharing and what other people are okay about you sharing about them.

I'm still trying to work this out. I'm still trying to find my blogging voice. I'll get it terribly wrong sometimes. I may write things that hurt the people I love the most. It's unintentional, but I understand that it will happen. Maybe being out there "on display" has made me insensitive to those that aren't and clueless when it comes to identifying what's okay to share and what isn't. In any case, I choose to remain open and teachable when it comes to learning about this and hope that those who love me will love me enough to let me know when I've overstepped a line. 

Being inspirational/encouraging/heroic - take your pick.

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I find living on the fringes of the disabled community confusing.

There seems to be so many rules to navigate, political correctness to adhere to. Some are fine with "this" wording, some are not. Some believe it's good to see the person and not the disability, some seem to want their disability to be seen right out there loud and proud. Fundraising for the disabled can be seen as good, but on the other hand some see it as condescending and a message that the disabled need to be helped to get by. Like me as the person I am but for God's sake, don't call me inspirational because that's condescending...apparently.

See what I mean?  If I'm confused and I'm kind of "in the club" I imagine that the "non-disabled" would be walking around on eggshells constantly. I imagine the internal questions would run as follows:

"Do I look at them or not?"
"Is it okay to ask them about their disability or not?"
"Do I offer help?"
"Is it okay to tell them that they inspire me or will that offend?"

Apparently, to some, it does offend and I am at a loss to work out why.

When someone tells me that I inspire them I am touched and humbled. Humbled because, on the surface, I don't feel as though I am doing anything great to warrant such esteem. I carry on a regular life, work a job, pay my bills and taxes, love my kids, get annoyed with my kids, do my shopping, drive my car. I work on my physical fitness, I try and better myself through reading and introspective soul searching. Nothing more than any human being would do on a regular basis.

But maybe these kind people see what I choose not to - and note that I said CHOOSE not to, for to dwell too much on these things would possibly send me down to a place I don't want to go. I'll admit that. Our specialist once told me that one child with a difference/disability/medical problem in a family puts an extraordinary amount of pressure on a parent and within the family. Multiply that by four and you have super-extraordinary  pressure. I never wanted to look at that. I never wanted to admit that, for fear that I would give my amazing children the message that it was all too much - and it was NEVER too much because my whole attitude has been that I must be strong enough to be their parent because otherwise this challenge would not have been appointed to me.

But it is a super-extraordinary amount of pressure, and work to be done, and hurdles to get over...and we do. Together. And maybe that's what people see and are inspired by it. And we do it despite and in spite of what gets thrown our way. Yes there are times where getting out of the car and entering a crowded shopping mall is a challenge. But what's the alternative? Think about it for a minute.... What's the alternative? Sit at home and watch DVD's all day? Hide away and not get out and about? Online shopping?

Stuff that.

So we face the challenge and we get out there and participate in life. I lift motorized scooters into the boot of my car, I carry people across sand so they can enjoy a day at the beach, we hang heavy shopping bags on the back of wheelchairs, we put up with rude people on occasion......actually more than on occasion. We put ourselves out there because life is ours and it is there to be enjoyed - every single wonderful second of it.

And while we're putting ourselves out there we are also "inspiring" people - and that's a good thing. A really good thing. "You inspire me" is not a dirty phrase in my book. If we have encouraged others to get out there and live your life just by the fact that we get out there among "you all" and live our ordinary lives then I am happy. Deliriously so.

So, contrary to the political correctness that seems so important with "my mob", I'm not going to jump down your throat and accuse you of being "so condescending". I'll probably thank you....and go away and feel inspired by you, knowing that the world really is made up of mostly nice people who just let us get out there and be ordinary.

Loving conflict

I grew up in a home where we didn't see conflict between our parents. I never saw or heard heated discussions or disagreements or fights. I remember feeling the undercurrents of tension, I remember silences that scared me more than yelling. I remember a hissed, "You make me sick!" which scared the beejebus out of me at the age of nine. I remember Mum putting a dint put in the car and Dad yelling about it. But open conflict and then the road to resolution? Never.

Whilst you would think this would make for reasonably peaceful living and a harmonious outcome, it also had a detrimental effect. My siblings and I don't seem to know how to successfully undertake confrontation and conflict resolution within the context of family. It's "niceness at all costs", "don't rock the boat", "don't get involved." We skirt around issues, we put up with unacceptable behaviour, we stand by and watch the ones we love become mere shadows of the vibrant spirits they once were - all in the name of keeping the peace.

Whilst I don't advocate all out yelling and screaming and arguing in front of your children, sometimes I can't help but wonder if allowing your children to be witness to minor arguments and disagreements isn't a good thing? Conflict in good, strong, stable relationships can often serve as a means through which relationships are tested, ideas are shared, solutions can be found and the relationship strengthened. Isn't it better for a child to learn how to successfully navigate confrontation, conflict, compromise and resolution from the two people who are supposed to love each other most? Wouldn't it be okay for a child to know that their Mum and Dad can disagree and argue sometimes but it's okay because they love and respect each other enough to work it out and *this* is how they did it?

I never saw that. I never learned how to do that...and so when injustice or negative experiences happen in my adult life I simply do not know how to navigate it. How do I approach people with my concerns? Do I even involve myself? Is it any of my business in the first place or is it the conflict/issue of someone else that they need to address without my interference? How do I navigate being put in my place if my insights aren't welcomed? How do I receive the criticisms and "negative" feedback from others? Do I immediately fly to my own defense or do I listen, go away and think and then learn from their insights? How does one learn how to do these types of things and explore these issues when one was never taught or given an example?

I long for more authentic and honest relationships but my inability or reluctance to engage in honest and loving confrontation and conflict seems to hinder that. My relationships seem to linger on the surface and I allow them to dissolve when the tension of remaining nice at all costs is a burden that becomes too heavy.

Maybe it's time just to bite the bullet and try? Maybe it's time to be brave? Maybe this period of learning to know myself, accept myself and love myself has given me the strength to start doing what I know to be right?

I'm about to find out. Wish me luck!