Road Trippin' Home

Dad, Mum & Maya - McLoghlin's Beach. Jan 2, 2015

I do enjoy a little spontaneity now and again. Yesterday, on a whim, I decided to toss a few things into the car and head off down the South Gippsland Highway to visit my parents.  For some reason I was really feeling the pull of home. Despite the fact that we left the area in 1974 I still have this sense that the place of my birth is still "home" and it has nothing to do with the fact that my parents have moved back there. Now and again I feel an innate sense that I need to go back there to feel the soil, sand and the sea air. I hop in the car and just go. This was the first time I went on my own.

I wonder why I feel that tug now and again? Does everyone feel it? Is there a place that each of us longs for? You know, I don't even mind that most of the people I knew from my childhood are no longer down there and have moved on. I just love the area, the smells, the feel. I can drive those roads and they're so familiar, so comforting. I drive through the streets of the town of my birth and I marvel that even though things are more modern, everything still feels the same. Nothing has changed beyond recognition and it is all so familiar and so comforting that I feel as though I have been enveloped in a warm blanket each time I go there. It's as though I know exactly who I am, where I've come from and, strangely enough, where I am going. I come back to my current home and it's as though my tanks have been refilled. I'm refreshed and calm and have a sense of my place in the world again.

Yesterday was a best day and I've needed a best day for a while. I'm kind of struggling with this new "Mum but no longer Mum"status and have felt a little disenfranchised - still having the title "Mum"but no longer having the responsibility that comes with that word. I know that this is simply a natural progression of life and my mothering journey, but instead of all my chickens flying the nest slowly over time it was this Mama Bird that flew away, starting a new life. It happened suddenly and although I (and they) know it was a right decision, I am still wandering around kind of lost, not quite knowing what my role is. I know it will all work out with the progression of time and that soon this "new life"will just be life, but right now it's all very strange and confusing.

I think that is why I needed to go home. I needed to once again walk in the place where life began for me. I needed to connect to my roots so that I could feel grounded again.

Since getting back last night I've felt calm, safe, connected. I feel my strength renewing. I'm looking forward to the blank canvas that is 2015.

Watching them fly

Chloe is studying Film and Television at a local academy. I am excited for her because she's on the path towards her dream. She has always loved film; not just watching them, but the process of making them, the art behind them, lighting, sound, production...everything.

For one of her assignments she had to write a synopsis for a four minute "postcard", including a run sheet, a call sheet, equipment list, prop list, cast list. She had to scout for locations and organise the cast.

She was in her element.

Unfortunately, with the weather and sickness and people being unavailable, the synopsis had to undergo several re-writes, locations had to be changed, cast had to be re-hired. She was in despair but kept soldiering on.

Today she started filming. I was honored to be among the cast of The Gesture and spent a couple of hours on set with Chloe and the crew. There's more to film-making than I first thought. I learned a lot.

Brad and Alessandro set up the camera for another series of shots.

But what I loved most of all was seeing my daughter interacting with others and they with her. I loved seeing them defer to her when it came to the creative process, consult with her about how the shots should be set up. I loved seeing her make decisions with confidence and with a goal in mind. She was managing her cast and crew with professionalism and tact. The crew interacted with her with dignity and respect. I was so proud.

Consulting on the creative process.

All I have wanted was for my children to grow up and find their own place in the world; a place where they will be valued for the people they are and the contributions they make.

This year I have seen that dream slowly take shape. I am so proud.

Mama done gone

Gone are the days Mama would tuck their clean, warm, pyjama clad little bodies into their beds.

Gone are the days Mama would read them a quiet story, her gentle rhythm soothing them into sleep.

Gone are the days she would kiss their sleepy little heads and murmur loving words to protect them as they journeyed through the dream country.

Gone are the days where she was knower of all things, the keeper of secrets, the one who could calm a storm, soothe a fear and kiss away worries.

Now it is she who journeys to the dream country before them, whilst they explore the hours of the dark. Although they still take comfort in the knowledge of the presence of her loving embrace, they no longer need it constantly. Mama is no longer the knower of all things. There are others who hold wisdom and knowledge. They seek it for themselves, although they still return to her at times, wanting to share with her their explorations and thoughts and sometimes their dreams.

At times she is wistful, longing for those warm, chubby little bodies in all their roundness and innocence. She looks around and sometimes searches for the little faces filled with hope and laughter, trust and fearlessness. She remembers being Mama and her heart aches that she didn't hold them just that little bit longer, didn't read just one more story and let that song just die on her lips before it had even been sung. She longs for the days of toys over the floor, little naked bodies running with glee, fingerprints and footprints, sand and dirt, leaves and bugs.

They are still hers. Deep in her heart they are still the cheeky, chubby imps they once were, but she sees them grown - adults in their own right, confident and assured of who they are. They're still only starting out on their own, but she has every confidence that they'll be okay. She wonders if Mama still needs to be. One of them still calls her Mama and its like a balm to her soul, an anchor that assures her she's still safely harboured where she always wanted to be.

But Mama's done gone. And it's the way it should be. She watches her little birds soaring in the sky, knowing that they'll fly back from time to time. It's now time for her to explore other skies and dream other dreams.