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| In the bubble. |
It has served me well for a number of years now, and still does. I no longer look for the eyes that are looking, for the not so surreptitious smart phones taking photos. I don't look so I don't see.
I realise though that Protego Totalum has meant that I've missed out on connections; of looking into the eyes of other souls and seeing. More often than not, walking down a crowded street without eye contact has been the loneliest feeling.
So I've decided to take that barrier down - still not looking for the eyes that are watching, but looking for the genuine "I see YOU" connections. There has been a radical increase in the number of "Good mornings!" and warm smiles and gentle faces. My heart is warm and full.
Looking for the good is so much easier. You find more of it.
Protego Totalum still serves when I deliberately put myself into situations where the idea is that you invite people to watch and observe. As I concentrate more on my dance practice and my desire to be an artist, these situations and opportunities are becoming more frequent. I started a dance class on Friday with a friend; one where moving by instinct and with intention is the focus - no choreography, pure flow. We sit and observe each other from the side.
At first I was terrified. My fear of being observed, watched, maybe critiqued was triggerd on a large scale and my first instinct was to bolt for the door!. "Leisa you are pretending. You are not a real dancer. You are shit!" screamed my inner critic, but then I stepped out there and just let it go and followed the dance and it led me places I didn't know existed. At that moment I was actually right there in the Protego Totalum bubble where I was safe and warm and protected and yet totally able to let people see.
I sat on the sidelines and watched and witnessed those beautiful moments in others where you see them find it, and you're able to breathe and say, "There you are! I see you!" I love those moments. They're pure joy. Wonderful to see in a stranger, pure delight when seen in a friend.
I've decided to take risks and sign up to new things and explore interests that once upon a time I would've been too afraid to pursue because the thought of being so exposed in a group of strangers was terrifying. When I've faced the terror and done it anyway I've found it's not so scary after all. Most of all I've found joy and connection with other beautiful souls. No strangers. Just friends I haven't met.
I'm getting proud Stella! I'm getting proud by practicing every single day. I wish you were here to see!
More classes, more workshops, more exploring.
There's a whole world out there beyond the bubble.
