Dancing Ground Take 2

Communal space - where we all ate and generally hung out!

After the Welcoming Circle we danced on the green towards Five Rhythms.

My humble abode for the night. This time I remembered a rake to clear the ground and a hammer to get the tent pegs in! Yay me!

You might remember that last year around this time I took my first foray into the festival that was Dancing Ground. Inspired by an online friend I convinced my sister to join me in a weekend of camping, yoga, dance and communal living in the Dandenong Ranges. 

Both of us found Dancing Ground to be a little confronting last year - she more so than me. For me it was about being comfortable in my own skin, shaking this obviously different body around in front if a whole lot of strangers. In spite of this I did enjoy my time at Dancing Ground last year and even though we left early I was glad I went.

I'm here again this year. I write this from the comfort of a beanbag in the Communal Space. I'm glad I've come...and I'm comfortable being on my own. This time I've met people, talked with them, watched over a baby as his mother went to wash their plates. People are friendly. I've been hugged by strangers, made contact through dance.

I've danced.

This year I determined I would make sure I participated from the start. I was present in the Welcoming Circle. I went to 5 Rhythms straight afterwards. This morning I stretched my body in Satyananda Yoga. I went to Kundilini Dance and listened as Leyola spoke about the Divine Mother and connecting to the divine masculine and feminine. I still don't know my own personal thoughts about all that, but I listened with an open mind and danced with a open heart. I cannot deny something happened to me as I danced - the release of tension, the feeling of intense responsibility, as though I was carrying not only my own anxieties but the collective anxieties of the many people who mean the most to me. If you're family and you're reading this, I carried yours too. The sense of responsibility was overwhelming...and I felt that the harder I danced the better it would be for you. My explanation of how I felt doesn't do it justice...but I felt it. I hope you did too.

I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I challenged my own sense of hesitancy. I'm glad I pushed through everything about me that screamed and begged to stay in my safe place. I'm going to the Sound Healing workshop this afternoon. Who knows what awaits?

I wish you were here.

Joining the Flock

Over the past two weeks I have had the wonderful experience of being involved with Weave Movement Theatre's latest production - Flock. My colleague and friend, Simone, asked if I'd like a go at being Assistant Stage Manager and Front of House Coordinator during their season in the Melbourne Fringe Festival. Eager to expand my horizons I happily said "YES!" Assistant Stage Manager and FOH Coordinator (along with Volunteer Coordinator) was going to look good on a resume which made another reason for saying yes.

Little did I know how much this gig was going to mean to me.

Isn't that the way life goes sometimes? You agree to something because you want to help out;  to contribute to something bigger than yourself and to learn a new skill so that one day you might pick up more work in that particular field and you end up being a part of something that touches you in such a profound way that you know your life will never be the same. 

I didn't know what to expect. I'd never done stage management before so I didn't know exactly what was expected of me but I soon learned that stage management is everything I love doing - fetching, carrying, helping, setting up, prompting cast members, making sure things are in the right place at the right time and generally being a go-for and go-getter.

The biggest bonus though was being introduced to the loveliest bunch of people you could ever hope to meet. They are enthusiastic, they are creative, they think outside the box. They communicate beauty in ways I have never seen before. I am captured and mesmerised by each performance.

I love being further educated about disability just by being there.

I love having my misconceptions confronted, my ideas challenged. 

My favorite scene of the production is one of the last. It's a movement piece - the most beautiful and moving piece I have witnessed in a long time. So expressive and gentle, yet powerful. The two women move me to tears each time I see it. It confronts every notion I had about dance and motion, beauty and expression. 

The more I am involved with Weave the more I want to be involved, the more I want to explore my creative side. If I continue to be involved behind the scenes then I will be happy, but I would be thrilled to be able to explore my creative side and join the ensemble of performers. I have always loved to dance and move but have long despaired that my physicality is not one that people want to see on stage other than in roles that are more suited for comedy  as a token imp or elf or fantasy creature. Weave opens up an opportunity to explore movement that involves beauty, sensuality and actually celebrating that one has a body.

This weekend Flock is showing at the Brunswick Mechanics Institute.

Details about the show and how to purchase tickets can be found HERE. 

I hope to see you there!

Pathways

Image source

I've decided I'm going to head into Federation Square on Sunday and check out the Multicultural Festival which is also celebrating Buddah's Day.

Once upon a time, back in the day of fear and deep, dark judgement, there would have been no way on God's green earth you would have seen me within cooee of anything that suggested anything to do with Buddah.

My how times have changed - and may I say, for the better. I feel free.

Over the past 15 years or so there has been a gradual stripping away of all things I used to hold to, believe in. These things made my world"safe". They were ideas about what was "right" and what was "wrong, rules about how my world was supposed to function, beliefs about foundations I thought were true and safe. 

But they weren't. My world began to rock. My foundations started to crumble. Things and people and ideas and institutions I'd had faith in began to be stripped away, leaving me feeling so very, very vulnerable, confused, unsafe and even angry.

I'd internally rant and rave. I'd howl at God or the universe, "But it's not supposed to be this way! You said if I did it *this* way all would be well! I believed I the sanctity of "this", the importance of "that"! I had faith in what I was told I was supposed to have faith in, and now they're all letting me down! Some are even turning on me! Life is not supposed to be this way!!!"

But the stripping continued; and the hurt got bigger and I felt I was left with nothing in the end.

And therein lay the secret.

When you've been emptied out then you're ready to be filled.

The slow erosion of all my securities to the point of there being nothing left gave me time to really look at and examine what was left. And what was left was me.

In this new and "unsafe" world I learned how to walk for myself. I learned how to trust myself. I'd examine things like faith and spirituality, turning them over and over in my hands and pondering as to why I thought and believed the way I did. Was it all REALLY what I believed or was I just following what I'd been told was right and I was too afraid to question it?

I discovered that my faith was actually based on fear - fear that if I didn't adhere to its dogma, it's rules, it's formula, then my soul would be forfeit and I'd be doomed to hell. Because that way was the only way and the only truth.

But I thought perfect love wasn't about fear? That's what I'd been told. That's what I read. That's what I believed. And that's what I still believe.

So...I stopped. I stopped doing what the rules said I was supposed to do. And the stripping continued...but somehow I've been okay with that. I'm no longer afraid of it. In fact, I welcome it. It's all part of my journey towards freedom and, dare I say it, embracing that which is Perfect Love.

I've never felt so free. I've never felt so in touch with the presence of the One that surrounds me with His love every single second of every single day. This doesn't need a formula. This doesn't need four praise songs followed by two worship songs, followed by prayer & prophesy, followed by "anointed announcements", tithes and offerings, the message and then a prayer line. This doesn't need Home Group and doing "this" Foundation  Beliefs course and Boundaries course and Self Esteem workshops and Ladies Felliowship and being busy busy busy all the livelong day to fulfill the requirements of what a "good" person looks like.

This is quiet and calm and gentle. This means stopping and listening to the heartbeat of the connections that make up the whole universe. This means taking the time to just be with my loved ones, give $1 to that man in the street who asked for it. This means listening to my body and loving it for the temple it is; tapping into the uniqueness that is me and sharing it with the world. This means acceptance and love towards anyone I encounter - not seeking to make them conform to what I think is right, but letting them be just as they are and learning something from them; gleaning a nugget of truth from their truth.

This means embracing new ways of thinking and doing things; finding God's presence in different ways. Doing different things and feeling assured that I am loved so perfectly and that His grace covers all things. Seeking to get to know Him and please His heart, knowing and accepting that He rewards those who diligently seek Him but that seeking Him takes on an infinite number of forms, not just one.

Because I believe that now. I really, really do.

There are still a few things that remain and that I am turning over and over in my hand, examining them in my hand. There is still a reluctance to let them go as they are the absolute cornerstone of faith as I knew it. This is the ONE THING that was the key to everything. Yet, I am examining it. It scares me, the thought of dropping that particular rock in the sand. 

And yet, I feel that too, must be challenged, because I want to have faith in it because I am assured of its truth and place in my life - not out of fear that if I let it go I will be doomed for sure.

So, I continue this journey along my own path that's set before me. It's a new path. One I am keen to explore. I daily open my heart and my mind to new experiences and people and places. Buddah's Day will be one of them. I go, not because I want to cleave to a new belief system, but because I want to dip into a pool that is new to me. I want to experience a new culture and perhaps see God's hand working there too.

Dancing Ground Debrief

I took the wonderful opportunity of participating in Dancing Ground over last weekend. Dancing Ground is a not for profit organisation dedicated to promoting community through dance and movement. It is a family-oriented weekend that hosts many different types of workshops for both adults and children alike. You don't have to be a skilled dancer to attend Dancing Ground. You just have to bring a sense of adventure, fun and a positive attitude.

I'd heard about Dancing Ground through Lauren from Sparkling Adventures and it sounded like such fun I thought I'd give it a try. I was both excited at the prospect of participating and nervous about putting myself among a whole group of people I'd never met before. I asked if any of my family wanted to attend with me and thankfully one of my sisters put her hand up so I felt a little more brave.

We arrived at the Gilwell Park Camping Ground on Friday evening and was greeted with a community of colored tents draped with brightly colored bunting..

After registering and receiving our wristbands we drove further into the grounds to find a campsite. Even though the evening was approaching we decided to wait to put up the tent until we had some dinner. And oh what dinner it was! Beautiful, organic vegetarian fare prepared by New Earth Catering. It was delicious! As we were eating we were handed a small, green cord that we were supposed to bring along to the Opening Ceremony. I was hoping we'd be able to get there but we had to erect our tent before it was dark. I met Lauren and two of her lovely daughters - Calista and Delaney. It is so lovely to see someone you've admired for a while in person. I was really taken with the gentle, calm nature of Lauren and the girls. They really are beautiful souls.

Luckily it was still fairly light when we finished and we managed to erect our two-person tent quickly.

(This was taken the next afternoon)

We missed the Opening Ceremony unfortunately, so we never knew what we were supposed to do with the green cords. On reflection, I think Opening Ceremony would have made our introduction to Dancing Ground a lot smoother than it was as it may have fostered a sense of belonging. Instead, we headed up to the dancing space after the 5-Rhythms Workshop had already started and both my sister and I felt a little apprehensive and nervous about joining in. 

Sitting on the outside, looking in; wanting to join in so desperately!

With every fibre of my being I wanted to get over myself and join in. The music was calling me to just set everything aside and just dance with freedom and abandonment...but I felt conspicuous...very aware of my own physicality and difference. But I knew my awareness was with me only. All the other dancers were just entering into the spirit of things, letting their body move naturally to the feel of the music. I just stayed on the other. Miserable with myself.

Would I have joined in if I was on my own? Probably. I felt so self conscious. I also didn't want to leave my sister on the sidelines. Still, there was the promise of the workshops scheduled the next day.

We went to bed but didn't sleep well on the hard ground. Morning arrived and I woke with new determination to participate. I hurried up to the main tent to join in with the Hatha Flow yoga class and was so glad I did. The poses and stretches served to wake me up and promote a sense of calm. I was a little confronted when we had to partner up for a couple of exercises but the guy in front of me just turned around and partnered me without a bat of an eyelid. Again, I felt the sense that it was my own self-consciousness holding me back rather than the reluctance of others not knowing "what to do with me".

As my sister and I were preparing to head in to nearby Gembrook for a sneaky cup of coffee, we walked past the main tent and was attracted by the sound of the West Afro Dance Party Dance workshop with Sackey. It looked like such fun, so we decided we'd join in. I'm so glad we did! You couldn't help but smile the whole way through the 90 minute invigorating workshop. Sackey, the facilitator, brought a whole wealth of cultural experience from Ghana and his passion was evident and infectious. He got our whole bodies moving and the funny thing was that no matter how tired we were getting our bodies just kept wanting to move to the rhythm. We loved every second of it!

After coffee and lunch I participated in the Sound Healing workshop with Dave Holtz. Lauren had spoken about Sound Showers on her blog and so I was keen to investigate this for myself. I found Dave's workshop beautiful and relaxing as the sounds resonated around and through me. I felt myself drifting off a few times which was lovely but for the most part I reflected on my gratefulness for the life I have now and the journey I've taken thus far. 

Contemplating under the trees.

We didn't stay for the rest of the Festival; deciding instead to pack up early and return home. Although I was disappointed I knew I had participated in the workshops I was really interested in and it was the time to exercise unselfishness and compassion. I felt peaceful about leaving. 

I would like to attend Dancing Ground again. I feel as though I have more to learn, more to confront within myself. I learned that I still have a way to travel on this journey towards self acceptance and self love, that I still struggle with being judgmental, that I am still working out who I am and that I struggle with my own physicality rather than actually being judged by others for it. 

I've learned that I am more brave than I realised, fitter than before and that I am still loved wholly by the Creator of the Universe.