Whilst you would think this would make for reasonably peaceful living and a harmonious outcome, it also had a detrimental effect. My siblings and I don't seem to know how to successfully undertake confrontation and conflict resolution within the context of family. It's "niceness at all costs", "don't rock the boat", "don't get involved." We skirt around issues, we put up with unacceptable behaviour, we stand by and watch the ones we love become mere shadows of the vibrant spirits they once were - all in the name of keeping the peace.
Whilst I don't advocate all out yelling and screaming and arguing in front of your children, sometimes I can't help but wonder if allowing your children to be witness to minor arguments and disagreements isn't a good thing? Conflict in good, strong, stable relationships can often serve as a means through which relationships are tested, ideas are shared, solutions can be found and the relationship strengthened. Isn't it better for a child to learn how to successfully navigate confrontation, conflict, compromise and resolution from the two people who are supposed to love each other most? Wouldn't it be okay for a child to know that their Mum and Dad can disagree and argue sometimes but it's okay because they love and respect each other enough to work it out and *this* is how they did it?
I never saw that. I never learned how to do that...and so when injustice or negative experiences happen in my adult life I simply do not know how to navigate it. How do I approach people with my concerns? Do I even involve myself? Is it any of my business in the first place or is it the conflict/issue of someone else that they need to address without my interference? How do I navigate being put in my place if my insights aren't welcomed? How do I receive the criticisms and "negative" feedback from others? Do I immediately fly to my own defense or do I listen, go away and think and then learn from their insights? How does one learn how to do these types of things and explore these issues when one was never taught or given an example?
I long for more authentic and honest relationships but my inability or reluctance to engage in honest and loving confrontation and conflict seems to hinder that. My relationships seem to linger on the surface and I allow them to dissolve when the tension of remaining nice at all costs is a burden that becomes too heavy.
Maybe it's time just to bite the bullet and try? Maybe it's time to be brave? Maybe this period of learning to know myself, accept myself and love myself has given me the strength to start doing what I know to be right?
I'm about to find out. Wish me luck!
