Kindred Spirits

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You know, the more "recovery groups" I do, the more blogs/diaries I read and the more I attempt to connect with people; the more I learn that the experiences I've had as a person with a "difference" are not exclusive to me, to people like me, to people with a difference/disability. They're all part of the human condition.

It's been quite comforting really, because I've realized that there are more kindred spirits out there than I originally thought.

People I've judged as being physically attractive often struggle with being extremely insecure about their bodies.

People I've seen as happy and confident, who seem to have no shortage of people who like them can often be insecure and shy.

People who have no reason to suspect that they stand out and are up for public scrutiny can feel horribly self-conscious when they're out in public and they almost pray not to be noticed and will do everything they can to avoid attention being drawn to them.

This year I've learned to let people in and I've learned that we can ALL relate on some level. I've felt less alone on what I perceived as my little island.

Grateful for lyrics and talk therapy

I must admit to finding it very hard to write a grateful post this week - hence it's lateness. It's not that there's been anything bad happen and I know and see that there's many, many things to be grateful for; it's just that I'm finding it all very hard to write at the moment due to the fugue I'm in. (or should that me a funk? I don't know.)

My counsellor/therapist has asked me to do three weeks worth of daily writing. Actual writing with a pen and paper. (funny how we have to specify these days) Last session we had was quite intense and so he really believes that I am suffering 20+ years worth of PTSD through the experience of having four children that I have had to hand over to surgeons many times - not just for "little" things like grommets and tonsils (although I acknowledge that those surgeries are indeed invasive and intense for any family to go through), but BIG things......like brain surgery, spinal surgery, major orthopaedic surgery. At the time you just do what you must to get through those things and bring your child through, but the experiences do leave scars and emotional trauma...even though on the surface I have appeared to simply soldier on and get on with it.

Add to that a partner who added stresses of a different kind and you have one very on-edge Leisa. My therapist has asked me to write down as much as I can - thoughts, impressions, smells I can remember, sights, sounds, feelings. Just write it all down as it comes out, whether it be jumbled or coherent or whatever.

I haven't really written much. I've only written a little bit on three different days. It's been a week since I saw my therapist. I write and I can feel my heart pounding. I am anxious. I don't want to go there. I especially don't want to go there when I feel so abandoned. 2011 has been a year of having everything slowly stripped away until there's just me standing here, so to revisit all those traumatic times right now is just a little scary.

BUT, this is supposed to be a grateful post so right at this very moment I am going to turn it around and list my two gratefuls for this week.

1. Talk therapy.

I'm also grateful to my therapists wife who chose the colours and decor of his office. It feels soothing.

I am extremely grateful to have found a therapist who has been there for me for the better part of 12 years. I am really relaxed when I talk to him. Even though he is a Christian therapist I feel ok about letting fly with the "F-bomb" when I need to. I feel as though he doesn't judge me for questioning everything I once accepted as the ultimate truth. He helps me explore other ways of thinking. I feel as though he is on my side - not that there are any sides per se, but I feel as though he cheers me on. I am grateful that he will call a spade a spade, even when I have been reluctant to. He has labelled things for me so that I can get a handle on understanding why I feel so...traumatised. There are times where he and I seem to have lost our way during therapy, wandering off on some little sidetrack, wondering where we're headed, but he always helps me find my way back again. I feel as though I am getting some direction and making positive steps towards wholeness. I know the next six sessions are going to be rough as we deal with the trauma together, but I think once I let this out and let it go I might just come out into a clearing that will help me move forward.

2. Lyrics

I am so grateful for songwriters that put down in words what all this feeling feels like. Yesterday I discovered Adele's Turning Tables - thanks to Gwynneth Paltrow on Glee. Oh. My. Goodness. My life right now in song, right there. Sometimes all those emotions inside just feel so big, so huge that I don't know what to do with them and I can't seem to even make sense of them. Finding a song that expresses them really, really helps me. It's like the songwriter has found the perfect combination of words and melody to just help me get it all out there so it doesn't feel so overwhelming. Turning Tables has been played a lot over the past 24 hours.

Of course it doesn't have to be a hugely emotional song. It can also be an upbeat, feel good song. The kids and I have a bit of a theme song - Keep on Movin' - by Five. It became our theme song during a particularly trying year. Every time I hear it I have wonderful memories of my four little ones - possible no more than aged 12, 9, 8 and 3 - singing along to it in the car. We even had dance moves to go with it. We still play it sometimes when we need a pick up. I feel our resolve strengthening as we sing along.

Come to think of it, I'm also grateful for memories such as these. I am grateful that despite trying circumstances at times, we always found something that would cheer us up, bring us closer and keep us moving.

Joining in the Gratefulness with the lovely Maxabella today. Pop on over and join in too!