Two steps away

Despite the fact that March is filled with birthdays for our family and should be a month of fun, I found March to be a struggle this year.

To be honest, I have struggled with my own mental health. I have been anxious, overwhelmed and in a deeper hole than I care to admit, even needing time out just to get my head together.

I guess there are many reasons that contributed to this. Since December it has been one change after another and I don't do change well. I like predictability and familiarity. Yes I like adventure, but I like adventure that I've planned for. Above all, I love home best. I guess, since December, I've struggled to know where that is. Everything seems unfamiliar and I don't quite know where my place is in the world.

Over the past few weeks as I have been out and about I've encountered people in the streets, on the tram and on the train who seem...broken. I find myself wondering what their stories are. Who were they before I encountered them? What started their slow erosion and what were the events that continued that erosion of mind and body? I see them talking to people who seem very real to them but I am not able to see and I hear them talking in ways that, to me, make no sense whatsoever.

I find my heart move with compassion towards these broken lives because sometimes I feel as though I am only two steps away from where they are.  What tips the balance between sanity and madness? Sometimes I feel as though it will only take one more thing before I tumble those two steps down into being someone completely different to the person I started out being.

Just Play It Loud, Ok?

I'm out of distractions.

A goal has been reached and I'm in that silence between that and setting the next.

I guess the 15k was my distraction that took my focus. That and Disneyland I suppose. (Which I'm yet to write about properly, it's in draft form. It's coming, ok?)

Now I'm out of distractions and the silence is back. It's the silence in which there are too many things I don't want to think about.

You know when I'm in not such a good spot by the music I listen to...and the music I listen to is the total opposite to what you'd think.

Driving guitars and thunderous drums are the tunes of the moment.

I'm quiet, my immediate environment is not. Not by a long shot. I turned it all way up in the car today. Right to the max. 

And the louder it gets the quieter I get, the more still I get. 

I asked to do some boxing in my next training session.

Rollerbaby

After riding an emotional high last night I find today I'm struggling. I'm quiet today; going about my work with solitude and serenity. I'm tired.

Last night we had a Christmas Party and I truly enjoyed it. I didn't have many conversations but the ones I did were interesting and friendly. Most of the time was spent dancing with my kids...and by myself. I just didn't care that sometimes it was just them and me just cutting loose. I loved it, they loved it.

Bit today I'm flat. Hormones have left me drained and depressed and I feel dreadfully alone. Some days I'm tired of just carrying on, especially in the face of someone else's depression.

Why do I always feel as though I've got to be the uplifting one so that the other person doesn't plunge too deep down? Why do I feel as though I have to make the effort? There are days where I wonder who is there for me?

This too, shall pass. Sometimes I find its helpful just writing it down, acknowledging how I feel and emptying myself so that I can process it and keep on going.

Kindred Spirits

Image credit

You know, the more "recovery groups" I do, the more blogs/diaries I read and the more I attempt to connect with people; the more I learn that the experiences I've had as a person with a "difference" are not exclusive to me, to people like me, to people with a difference/disability. They're all part of the human condition.

It's been quite comforting really, because I've realized that there are more kindred spirits out there than I originally thought.

People I've judged as being physically attractive often struggle with being extremely insecure about their bodies.

People I've seen as happy and confident, who seem to have no shortage of people who like them can often be insecure and shy.

People who have no reason to suspect that they stand out and are up for public scrutiny can feel horribly self-conscious when they're out in public and they almost pray not to be noticed and will do everything they can to avoid attention being drawn to them.

This year I've learned to let people in and I've learned that we can ALL relate on some level. I've felt less alone on what I perceived as my little island.

Postcards from the edge

Firstly, no this is not an original title. I've snaffled it from Carrie Fisher. I've never read her book, but right now I feel the need to seeing it has a pretty nifty title and pretty much describes where I'm at right now. I'm no longer going to even try to pretend that I'm in a good spot. I'm not even close. Therefore, right now I feel that I need to use this little blog to send out postcards from the edge into the ether that is the www. This is also a pretty brave move on my part as I've just advertised my little spot in cyberspace in the SSPA (Short Statured People of Australia) Journal, so I'm kind of expecting an influx of new readers who may actually know me in real life.I'm conflicted by this. Will they read? What if no one reads? What if they hate what they read? What on earth am I thinking letting people I actually know read my musings? What if people get hurt by what I write? What if.........

In any case, I'm blogging on regardless. I'm continuing to send out postcards from the edge into the ether of the www.

I went to church today, specifically because my friend Pam was speaking. I'd heard whispers that she was speaking about anxiety, but later learned that she was touching on anxiety, depression and suicide. I kind of think I was meant to be there this morning. She did a great job, regardless of the fact that she text me last night and said, "I'm speaking on anxiety tomorrow but the thought of doing it is making me anxious!" I tried to lighten the mood for her a bit by telling her that because she was speaking I was actually going to show up but make it my job to sit in the back and heckle her. She said I could...as long as I also threw chocolate. I did neither, however I did listen intently.

Everything she said I already knew, however for some reason it was comforting having her say it. I already knew that the first thing a person who is struggling does is isolate themselves...because that's my first instinct. For some reason though, Pam saying that today had a little more impact on me. I don't know why. Maybe it's been because I've been feeling so alone lately....especially after going to the wedding last weekend. Being at my (ex) sister-in-laws wedding was so hard as I really felt I no longer belonged now that I really believe that my husband and I have separated for good this time, All of a sudden I just felt so isolated and alone standing there on the edge at the back. That feeling has persisted.

But it's been like that for a while now. Over the past decade I've felt like everything has just been stripped away - well, everything I ever believed in and relied upon anyway. Friends have disappeared and friendships have dissolved, family seems a little disjointed and distant, my children are growing up and moving out. All of a sudden I don't know what my place is anymore and what to do next. To top it all off, the face in the mirror that looks back of me is one of an old, tired stranger and I find myself asking, "When did that happen?"

I also realise that some of the alone-ness has been my doing. In my confused, sad, angry and depressed state I have pushed people away and isolated myself for fear that my continuing neediness and depression would eventually wear them out and they would leave me. I know that's been confusing for people and eventually, some have given up and left me to my own devices. I don't blame them for it.

For some reason though, Pam has hung in there. We don't see each other often, but when we do we just take up where we left off. I can tell her anything and everything and she never gets shocked, never judges, speaks the truth in love. At the moment, apart from my sister Serrin, she's about all I've got. I told her that today.

So, where am I going with all of this? I realised today I need to start getting involved with other people again. I need to get myself out of isolation and reaching out. I need to stop fearing rejection and accept peoples offers of friendship and coffee and invitations. I need to become interested in what's happening, rather than be caught up in just surviving, putting one foot in front of the other trying to get through another day.

As a result, I signed up for Ladies Camp next weekend. At first, the thought of it was making me anxious but Pam suggested I just come up for the Saturday and all of a sudden it didn't seem so scary. When I said I'd go all of a sudden my heart lifted with a bit of hope. Who knows what's around the corner? Maybe instead of sending out postcards from the edge I might start sending out postcards from right there in the middle, in the thick of things. A place that might just be fun and exciting and full of life!

Do I dare open myself up again and start taking risks again? Maybe I should.