Beautiful mess

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I've been absent from the blogosphere. Most of that is because I don't know what to write. I don't know what part of the journey to chronicle as life just seems mundane. We don't really go anywhere. We don't really do anything of local/global significance. Who wants to read about us?

And yet I find myself that the everyday pondering and musings and happenings of other people are exactly the blogs I love so dearly. I love how their words seem to just flow so beautifully on the page screen and I am continually inspired. 

So I determine to write more, and yet I don't. Today I am going with the determination. I shall write about my current musings at least.

I've had plenty of time to muse as well. Last week I was holed up on the couch, feeling very ordinary after a dalliance with gastro. I'm a dreadful sook when it comes to being sick and losing control over what my digestive tract does. I need someone in the room with me as I go through the throes of what gastro entails. I need them to tell me I'm going to be ok. Sad, isn't it? This time the task fell to my eldest daughter, who gallantly stayed in the room, told me I could still breathe after I inhaled at the wrong time and thought I was going to die a rock star death, and got me back to bed again. 

I was also on the couch because my right leg was giving me (and is still giving me) curry. I've been having muscle spasms for over a week now which has drastically reduced the amount of running I've done. I miss it so! This pain is reminiscent of pain I used to be in as a little girl. I remember laying on the couch with my legs in such pain. My father used to sit with me and massage my legs which brought temporary relief. The kids took turns massaging this time. 

So, whilst I was holed up on the couch watching countless DVD's and knitting I also mused a lot about our life, my journey, my current itchy feet, my longings for a simple life, my current relationship status with my husband, faith, religion and world peace........well, not really about world peace, but you get the picture. I began to feel grateful for my body actually making me stop and take some time out to rest and reflect as it healed. Sometimes I think physical sickness is your body's way of making you take time out to give your brain time to de-fragment itself. So, that's what I did...and I chose to stop feeling guilty about my lack of activity and let the world - my world at least - just carry on without me. 

And it did just fine. 

So, with this blog.....I think it's time to just open it up more, be more consistent, stop waiting for the amazing things to happen and just start looking for the small things in every day that are just as amazing.

Postcards from the edge

Firstly, no this is not an original title. I've snaffled it from Carrie Fisher. I've never read her book, but right now I feel the need to seeing it has a pretty nifty title and pretty much describes where I'm at right now. I'm no longer going to even try to pretend that I'm in a good spot. I'm not even close. Therefore, right now I feel that I need to use this little blog to send out postcards from the edge into the ether that is the www. This is also a pretty brave move on my part as I've just advertised my little spot in cyberspace in the SSPA (Short Statured People of Australia) Journal, so I'm kind of expecting an influx of new readers who may actually know me in real life.I'm conflicted by this. Will they read? What if no one reads? What if they hate what they read? What on earth am I thinking letting people I actually know read my musings? What if people get hurt by what I write? What if.........

In any case, I'm blogging on regardless. I'm continuing to send out postcards from the edge into the ether of the www.

I went to church today, specifically because my friend Pam was speaking. I'd heard whispers that she was speaking about anxiety, but later learned that she was touching on anxiety, depression and suicide. I kind of think I was meant to be there this morning. She did a great job, regardless of the fact that she text me last night and said, "I'm speaking on anxiety tomorrow but the thought of doing it is making me anxious!" I tried to lighten the mood for her a bit by telling her that because she was speaking I was actually going to show up but make it my job to sit in the back and heckle her. She said I could...as long as I also threw chocolate. I did neither, however I did listen intently.

Everything she said I already knew, however for some reason it was comforting having her say it. I already knew that the first thing a person who is struggling does is isolate themselves...because that's my first instinct. For some reason though, Pam saying that today had a little more impact on me. I don't know why. Maybe it's been because I've been feeling so alone lately....especially after going to the wedding last weekend. Being at my (ex) sister-in-laws wedding was so hard as I really felt I no longer belonged now that I really believe that my husband and I have separated for good this time, All of a sudden I just felt so isolated and alone standing there on the edge at the back. That feeling has persisted.

But it's been like that for a while now. Over the past decade I've felt like everything has just been stripped away - well, everything I ever believed in and relied upon anyway. Friends have disappeared and friendships have dissolved, family seems a little disjointed and distant, my children are growing up and moving out. All of a sudden I don't know what my place is anymore and what to do next. To top it all off, the face in the mirror that looks back of me is one of an old, tired stranger and I find myself asking, "When did that happen?"

I also realise that some of the alone-ness has been my doing. In my confused, sad, angry and depressed state I have pushed people away and isolated myself for fear that my continuing neediness and depression would eventually wear them out and they would leave me. I know that's been confusing for people and eventually, some have given up and left me to my own devices. I don't blame them for it.

For some reason though, Pam has hung in there. We don't see each other often, but when we do we just take up where we left off. I can tell her anything and everything and she never gets shocked, never judges, speaks the truth in love. At the moment, apart from my sister Serrin, she's about all I've got. I told her that today.

So, where am I going with all of this? I realised today I need to start getting involved with other people again. I need to get myself out of isolation and reaching out. I need to stop fearing rejection and accept peoples offers of friendship and coffee and invitations. I need to become interested in what's happening, rather than be caught up in just surviving, putting one foot in front of the other trying to get through another day.

As a result, I signed up for Ladies Camp next weekend. At first, the thought of it was making me anxious but Pam suggested I just come up for the Saturday and all of a sudden it didn't seem so scary. When I said I'd go all of a sudden my heart lifted with a bit of hope. Who knows what's around the corner? Maybe instead of sending out postcards from the edge I might start sending out postcards from right there in the middle, in the thick of things. A place that might just be fun and exciting and full of life!

Do I dare open myself up again and start taking risks again? Maybe I should.