Light House

I've been silent on the blogging front lately. There's always a measure of guilt when this happens for the simple reason that I feel that if you intend being a blogger then you should commit to that somewhat and update at least once a week. Yes I do this for me, my own therapy...but I also do it to be read. I'm not going to deny that. Let's be honest, bloggers write to be read and if you're not going to write people aren't going to hang around waiting until you do - although I must admit I do tend to leave people on my blogroll even though it may be months before they update. I love their stories enough to hang around just in case.

Just because I haven't been writing doesn't mean I haven't been writing some kind of narrative in my head. I'm normally inspired when running. It's like my head clears out all unneccesary dross and begins to see things clearly. It formulates ideas and puts them into cohesive and interesting sentences, attaches photos and even films a video with accompanying inspirational soundtrack and VoiceOver. Silly really. 

Sometimes I wish I could be an observer of my own life, writing notes and putting them out there on this blog so that the "dwarfism awareness" message can be fully told. I guess I'm just busy with the actual doing of a very average life to spend much time documenting that for those people who have just given birth to a child with dwarfism. I know though that our stories - the stories of we adults with dwarfism living very average, "normal", happy lives - are vitally important to these people and their families. We are like lighthouses in the dark, showing them the way and assuring them that all will be well. 

And it's the fact that we live our "average" lives that is so reassuring. I don't really think they care about whether or not there are short statured people in parliament, or leading in their field of medicine or surgery, or the managing director of their Very Important Company. No. These parents want to know things like, "How did you learn how to tie your shoes, negotiate the playground, cope in a public restroom, drive a car, cope with people staring, conduct yourself in an interview?" They want the daily things, the mundane, the things that most people take for granted day by day. They're interested when I post a picture on Facebook showing the type of seat that I find the most comfortable on a train. They feel reassured when they read about me participating in a Fun Run along with 22,000 other Melburnians. They want to know where I buy my clothes and who alters them to fit me.

Over the past few weeks I've been reflecting on my past tendency to almost withdraw from life simply because I was tired of being noticed. I realised I didn't do myself, my family or the community any favours. The kids and I have discovered that since coming out of a "safe" private school environment and entering public school and a more public arena we receive less harassment and more friendliness. The more we're out and about, doing our thing, participating in community and public events, the better it is for us. 

I have become more confident as a result. In the past I would have been scared to participate in a Fun Run and would only reluctantly do so if I had company. Now I register because I love to run and I don't mind that I do it on my own. I don't care about what people might be thinking. Why was I once so presumptuous to believe that I knew what they were thinking? They could see me and think, "She's short. I wonder if she'll last the distance?" or "Good on her!" or "I'm glad I wasn't born like her!" or "Oh! Great haircut!" or they may even be looking right through me and are wondering what they'll cook for dinner. My point is, what does it matter anyway? I'm here! I'm alive! I love it!

And I guess that's the face I want to show to the world. I want to show the face of a person who is filled with more light than she could have possibly imagined, who lives and loves and adapts to a physical world that isn't always built to her specs. I want to show them someone who is getting out there and being "average" in a not so average body and ROCKING it! I want to show that I'm approachable, friendly, teachable and that I deserve respect in the same way every other soul on this planet does. 

I believe it's possible; in fact I know it's not only possible but is actually happening right now. 

Promoting Dwarfism Awareness just by being me.

Confronted

Image credit

I watched The Station Agent for the first time last night.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with that particular film, please pop over to IMDB and search it. The Station Agent was the first film "my lot" became aware of the brilliance that is Peter Dinklage. Everyone raved about what a wonderful film it was and how fantastic it was to see a short statured actor play just a regular person with regular issues rather than be in costume as a fantasy creature, comic relief or in a token role. We were all encouraged to see it.

But for some reason I simply couldn't at the time. I just couldn't. I'd heard that there was a scene where he's drunk and gets up on a bar and shouts, "Go on! Take a good look!" and the idea of that scene was just too confronting for me at the time so I chose not to see the film.

I've thought about it a lot over the years and I've come to the conclusion that I find it confronting seeing aspects of my own life played out in front of me - either on the screen or in the pages of a book. In daily life I'm kind of in control of what I see happening around me. I know it all happens - the stares, the comments, the poking of the mate in the ribs and having a laugh, the random pictures and videos taken on a smart phone - but I can somehow block it out to some extent and exist in my own bubble of ignorance.

But to see it up close and personal, highlighted on the screen, or written about in the pages of a book is too much and it hurts...and I'm confronting how I really feel about it...and how I really feel about myself and my own physicality. I watched Peter Dinklage walk and I asked the kids, "Do I walk like that?" They were not able to tell me. "What? He's just walking Mum and so do you." They didn't get it. I suppose this is because they've always been accustomed to having dwarfism around them whereas me, coming from an average statured family, this is all sometimes a "new" experience for me and seeing another image of myself in real human form is still a curiosity for me. Strange, but true.

Last night I watched the film. Finally. I'm glad I did. I think it was the right time. I think I was ready. It was brilliant. None of it was over the top. The daily incidents that happened to Fin McBride was accurate and true to life. I saw echoes of my own life as I watched his two new friends display genuine attempts at friendship and Fin's initial reluctance to let them in and open his heart. The reactions of the children, the townspeople - all true to life. I watched it and was unafraid - touched by seeing reality portrayed in such an accurate and dignified manner.

And I was so proud of Peter's persistence in holding on to his ideals; that he wasn't going to belittle himself by taking on roles that didn't require any skills other than the fact that he's 4ft 2in. He has held on to his dream of being a respected actor, brilliant in his craft. And he is and has earned the accolades to prove it.

I think I will always continue to be confronted by mirror images of myself on the page and on screen, but I am learning to look within and work out why. There are still films I haven't seen and books I haven't read simply because I'm not ready yet. Maybe one day I will be.