Resisting

Oh I am so trying to resist the urge to write word vomit! Positive, positive, positive! However, I'm finding it difficult thinking positively. The rage is simply burning at the moment. I am hurt and I don't know what to do with it. It is spilling over into everything and I don't want it to. What do I do with it? I need to centre in and look for something that helps restore that sense of balance and calm, but what is it? Where is it? I don't like my reactions to things at the moment. I have started becoming cynical again, frustrated, annoyed. I am answering calmly but underneath there is this rage that, quite frankly, disturbs me.

At home I am engaged in a cold war. I have instigated this myself. It's there for self protection. I don't know how long it will be there for. I'd like to think it will only be there until I hear a heartfelt, "I am sorry."

I won't be getting that though. I have never received a genuine, heartfelt, "I am sorry." There has always been excuses and reasons...and I am tired of those.

My hurt is understandable. The kick to the solar plexus was real and out of the blue. I am reeling because as far as I could understand, as far as my eyes could see and my mind could understand, everything was fine. But it wasn't. I went to bed thinking all was well with the world and then woke up the next morning to discover, splashed all over Facebook, that I was very much mistaken.

Naturally one would be hurt.