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Weave in rehearsal
Photo credit: Margherita Coppolino

I was going to save this post until tonight but I have too many thoughts swirling about in my head to wait any longer. I'm blogging on the train. Did you know I did that sometimes? I'm not one of these "plan everything you're going to say" bloggers. A feeling grabs me, I get the urge to write, so I do. Unfortunately I have several blog posts in draft form - this being one of them.

I digress...as usual.

I'm on the train heading into the city for White Night. Weave Movement Theatre is performing a piece on the Ausdance stage tonight. I'm a part of Weave so, you guessed it, I'll be performing too.

I'm ridiculously excited

This is my first public performance. Like, public public. I've done other performances in the past on stages where audiences have comprised of the performer's family, friends and interested others but nothing like this.

I don't quite know what to expect, but it hasn't diminished my excitement. Not one bit.

I've spent a great part of my life hiding, I guess. Diminishing myself. Making myself as unobtrusive as possible. This body attracts enough attention as it is, don't attract any more! Of course it's all very well and good to get up on stage and deliver some inspirational words, showing how clever you are but to perform...?

Historically I guess that's been fraught with a whole heap of minefields...that, in some form, still exist today. Once upon a time the only job though suitable for people like me was on the stage performing simply because we were physically different. Then came the 70's and the big push to get us off the stage and "into real jobs"...to the point where anyone still on the stage was frowned upon.

I guess the Arts hasn't been kind to performers with different physical appearances either. To my mind the Arts has usually celebrated bodies that model perfection, perfect technique, pitch, delivery and poise. Assumptions are made of the body that is physically different. It is not capable of that which is worthy to be seen on stage and given critical acclaim and so it is relegated to specific workshops designed to give the person with a disability/difference " something to do". Audiences are more like cheer squads; cheering on the performers for simply having a go, rather than looking at the work critically and considering it worthy of serious reviews and potential development.

Weave Movement Theatre is turning that kind of thinking on it's head. We are artists. We are dancers.

I am a dancer.

So here I am, on the train, about to put this different little body on the stage and invite hundreds of people to look because what I and my fellow ensemble have created together is truly beautiful, artistic, creative. Look at what we can do! See the beauty we are portraying right here on this stage? This is what beauty means to us! Watch beauty as we see it translated in our movements! Do you see it? Do you hear it? We do!

Caroline Bowditch, an Australian born performance artist and choreographer has choreographed our piece. She has encouraged us to own it. "Know you belong up there on that stage!" she has encouraged. "Own it! Own the stage!" Each time she has said it it's been like an affirmation to me. I hope to get up there tonight and be truly present, owning that space, looking out at the audience and inviting them to see what we see. I am so excited I can barely contain it.

My hope is that we encourage the audience to think about dance in a different way; seeing the potential for everyone to express themselves through dance, regardless of physicality.

I can't wait to get up there!

It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye.

I don't ever want anyone to think I was all sweetness and nice growing up.

The mindfulness that is now mine in adulthood did not always exist and sometimes, despite parental guidance and encouragement, I too engaged in the teasing and ridicule of other children who were deemed different...or who may not have been as clean as me, or those my peers saw as weird, or strange or annoying...or...worthy of being picked on just because...

Why do children do that? How do they start doing that? Why do they follow a pack mentality? Why do they engage in such behaviour even though their parents  may model and encourage acceptance and love?

I don't know. I can cast my mind back and see it all happening but I cannot understand the mindset.

I remember a little girl called X who was part of a friendship circle we were in. All was well and fine until one day...we decided it wasn't. No rhyme, no reason. We decided to let her know that we hated her by writing her a note telling her she was as yucky and smelly and ugly as cow poo - complete with pictures. I remember contributing to that note by drawing the pictures with such glee! No thought to the potential consequences of such a note - just the pure enjoyment of writing such venom.

I believe the average age of the girls in our group was ten.

It was all fun and games until someone got hurt. I don't remember who delivered the terrible note...but I do remember that sweet little girls face crumple with grief and the way she sobbed and sobbed and showed the teacher.

I was mortified. Ashamed. Grief stricken. In my gleeful involvement I had not had the foresight to think of the consequences for this dear, sweet little girl; what it would feel like to be singled out and have your friendship group turn against you like that - with no warning! But I saw her face...and I knew...and I was ashamed.

The next morning we surrounded the girl of our own volition and told her how sorry we were. We asked forgiveness. I think there was an element of punishment avoidance behind our apology but I cannot forget how horrible I felt watching that little girl sob.

Obviously the teacher saw that there was a heartfelt resolution to the whole incident because she never got involved. I think she saw us all happily playing together and let us be.

Even though I never forgot that incident it didn't serve as enough of a lesson to stop me engaging in other forms of subtle bullying. In Year 9 at High School (why is Year 9 such a feral year?) my best friend and I made up nicknames for other students and teachers - those who were different, others with mental illnesses or disabilities or those we just didn't like and teachers with odd quirks. Blockhead, Spoon, Dude, Mr Jellylegs, Fräulein Lizardface. We never called them those names to their faces but I find myself wondering if they ever knew and sometimes I see their faces even now and wish I could turn back time and be less of a minion and more of an understanding individual. 

Still...time goes on and thankfully I left immature childhood behind. The faces of the past still flit through my mind sometimes and I remember them and send out good wishes to them in the hope that they are having a happy life. I remember and know what it's like to be the object of ridicule and a target of jokes and instead of becoming bitter, draw from those experiences to make changes for the better and reach out with understanding and compassion. I simply love people. I love our differences and diversity. I've discovered that there are so many levels to connect with others and so many ways in which we are the same. 

It saddens me to learn sometimes that even those of us with physical differences  may not learn from our own experiences; that there are those who will target others with different quirks or an appearance diversity or even another disability and subject them to ridicule and bullying. I cannot understand or comprehend that mindset. I can't understand how those of us who know what it's like to be the target and recipient of bullying and ridicule can then turn around and inflict that kind of behaviour on another human being, simply because they may be different.

Try as I might I cannot make sense of it.

Recently I learned that a brand new friend of mine was the target of some pretty hefty bullying by a group of people who all had dwarfism. This friend has a genetic condition affecting her appearance. She is such a dear person, strong, intelligent, kind and a wonderful self advocate in educating others about appearance diversity. I am so pleased to have become a friend.

But naturally, before she met me, my friend was somewhat "put off" by people with dwarfism - and after the treatment she received from the group she encountered I really don't blame her. I'm so glad that meeting me has been a positive experience for my friend. It confirms to me my resolve to be a positive example when I am out and about and in my dealings with others.

I often wonder about bullies and wonder if karma does actually catch up with them eventually. None of us know what's in store for us. Life can change in the blink of an eye. Life can be cruising along nicely and then suddenly one may find themselves the victim of a car accident that results in a permanent physical or brain injury; a beloved family member may give birth to a child with an unexpected disability thus opening up a whole new world and range of experiences to that family; brain chemistry may suddenly change causing epilepsy or the experiences that life tends to throw at someone may see them descend into depression where everything is overwhelming and they can't seem to be the person they once were.

What happens to bullies when they find themselves in the very situations that they used to victimise others for? Do they remember? Do they feel regret and remorse? I know I do and vow to make amends if ever the situation presents to be able to do so. 

I wish we could all go through life thinking "There but for the grace of God go I." It's something that my mother used to say and something that never left me. Teasing someone may give a fleeting feeling of superiority and mirth for you and your friends...but remember that it is all fun and games until someone loses an eye...and one day you might find yourself in that persons very same spot. Tread lightly on the earth and extend goodness and kindness to others. It's not that hard. Open your heart. I know that as I have I've found myself surrounded by the most beautiful people who have enriched my life in ways I never expected. 

Try it.