Boundary setting

There's nothing wrong with personal space and making sure other people respect it.



It's funny, but since being on my own and learning more about myself I am a lot more confident with setting boundaries, especially with those people who kind of dwell on the peripherals. I guess I'm talking about casual acquaintances and, in some cases, total strangers. In Dirty Dancing Johnny had it right when he would tell Baby, "This is my dance space, this is yours. Hold your frame!" There's nothing wrong with setting your boundaries.

I realised yesterday that over my life I have been reluctant to set boundaries with people as I was afraid that I would hurt their feelings. I haven't been too good with "confrontation", even in the nicest sense of the word. In most cases I have put up with things for the sake of niceness or, if the behaviour is too intolerable I have avoided that person as much as possible.

One of my personal bugbears is being patted on the head. I think I can even safely speak for all people with a dwarfing condition over the age of five when I say that we hate it. When I was in High School I would even go as far as kicking a person in the shins if they would do it. All students at my school learned very quickly that you did not pat Leisa on the head. I'm not proud of my old method and wouldn't in any way recommend it, nor would I employ it now at the ripe age of 40-something but I have to say, it worked!

Yesterday I finally plucked up the courage to talk to a serial head-patter. I knew it was coming to a time where I had to do it because I had been avoiding him like the plague. This gentleman is a lovely, friendly man and I knew he was simply being his version of friendly. I didn't want to avoid him anymore. The crunch came when I saw him patting my 21 year old daughter on the head and a very close friend of mine came up to me and said, "Gee I hate it when I see that happen! I don't know why people have to pat you on the head. It's degrading!" So, I asked the man if I could have a chat to him.

It went so well. I prefaced everything by telling him that I liked and respected him which is why I needed to talk to him about the head patting issue. I explained how I really, really hated it and I was beginning to avoid him so that he wouldn't do it anymore. I reiterated that I valued him as a friend which was why I needed to let him know. He was very gracious about it and apologised, both to me and my daughter. God love him.

I know that not all "confrontations" will go so well, but it was good to know that I do have the ability to make a personal request for personal space and I don't have to feel guilty about it. I had to do it twice yesterday. I don't know what it is about our size that makes some people think that we don't have personal space. For us it's a real problem. Yesterday at church there was also this young teen, possibly no more than 14, whom I'd never met before and she had her arms around my shoulders and was adjusting my hairdo! So, whilst she had her arms around my shoulders I told her that I was very happy to be her friend and that I liked hugs but she needed to remember that if she wanted to adjust my hair, or move my 21 year old daughters foot stool on her wheelchair she needed to ASK first - and if the answer was "no" she needed to respect that.

I honestly do think it's something to do with our child-like size. Have you noticed that it's common for adults to reach into prams and stroke a baby's cheek or pat a small child on the head? When I first became a mother I would often wonder about it and would feel strange about total strangers peering into the pram and wanting to touch my babies - especially when they got a little older and a little more aware of themselves. I wonder if babies and children feel as though it's an invasion of their personal space? Hmm...something to contemplate.

Boundaries. I think we all need them and feel ok about politely asking others to respect them.