Don't Fence Me In

Today I got out of the hustle and bustle of suburbia. I drove down the highway to where the rolling hills were vivid green, the air smelled sweet and there were no sounds apart from the wind in the trees and the birds chirping. 

Back to where I first started. Well....almost. 

I wanted to go back to my birthplace, but because of time restraints and the fact that I had inadvertently left my lifeline at home (AKA my cell phone...in case of emergencies) I decided to stop about an 90 minutes from home at a place called Coal Creek. Coal Creek is one of those restored coal mining towns, full of nostalgia of when this country was first settled by Europeans. 

I needed to get out. I needed to just centre myself again and not worry about anyone or anything other than myself. I took my time. I just wandered and took photographs and thought...actually, I don't really think I thought. I emptied my mind of everything except for what I was doing at that time and composing a good shot. 

It was so relaxing. 

If I had've had my cell phone on me I think I may have just kept driving. I don't think I would have come back home today. I think I would've gone back to my birthplace and booked a room at the local motel. It would've been nice just to be me for a little bit longer. 

I tend to lose myself in the shadow of him.

Because the world is listening.

"You're good with them."

This is what a person said to me in a queue today. She was behind me, watching and listening as I interacted with some little children who were ahead of me in the queue. They were there with their mother. The children, a boy and a girl were aged three and five respectively. I know because I asked. 

"You're good with them."


There's a reason for that I guess. Children are naturally curious...and children of the age of three and five have not yet developed that filter between what their minds are thinking and what comes out of their mouths. In other words, they are brutally honest. Adults would call them rude...and I watch their parents simply want to sink into a deep hole when they are brutally honest when I am around. 

So, I choose to take that brutal honesty and turn it into something that's going to benefit them, their parents and me...

And the rest of the curious onlookers within earshot...because they do listen you know. I have a captive audience.


Anyway, these two children were pretty gosh darn cute. I rocked up to the queue at the registers and they were there. They were chatting to each other, chatting to their Mum...saw me and decided to show me the owl soft toys they were holding and talk to me. I asked them if they were the owls from Legend of the Guardians...then we talked about movies they'd seen...and then the statement finally came...


Because it always comes as a statement...a statement of an obvious fact.


"You're little!"


Yes, I know. 


"Why?"


I don't know. My bones grew really, really, really slowly and I only got to be this big. Your bones grow fast so one day you will be bigger than me.


"Like my Mum."


That's right.


"Maybe one day your bones will grow again and you will be big."


Maybe.


"Do you like Lightning McQueen?"


And that's the way it can go. They get over it quick. I've told them what they need to know and they're satisfied. They don't want to be told to shush, or not to be rude. They're curious, just like little kids are meant to be. 


They will remember that they met me today...their mother will remember as well...and the thing I want them to remember the most is that not only was I little, but I was nice to them, I talked to them, I was friendly to them.


And not only that, but the other six to ten people waiting in the queue also heard everything and saw that I am friendly and that it is ok to ask questions. It's how you find stuff out. It's how ignorance and fear is snuffed out.


So of course I am good with them. The alternative wouldn't help anyone...especially me.





 

The Ying & Yang of Being Me

I've decided that this blog needs to start being more like the voice of what I want to say. It needs to start revealing what I need the world to know. This entry is going to be the beginnings of that. I'm scared, because it's putting a very big thing out there into cyberspace. I'm also filled with hope because maybe what I say may promote understanding....

Being me has meant that I have had the benefit of witnessing and being the recipient of the very best of human nature. It also means that I've had to stand up under the very worst of human nature as well. The ying and yang of this happens on a daily basis. I am not exaggerating when I say this. Not by a long shot.

Why?

Because..........I have a genetic condition....causing bone dysplasia......

In short...I look physically different to the average person walking around.

To me, not that much different. I just do life at a different level....hence the title of my blog.

However, that different appearance means that I am very noticeable. It means that people can be curious, inspired and, a lot of the time, downright rude.

I try and give people the benefit of the doubt. I think if I wasn't this way, I would possibly be curious too. I would watch in fascination...not meaning to be rude, just curious. That's the way I prefer to believe that people operate when they see me. Children are the ones who are most curious...and I know that's natural. I like to give them a smile, hoping that they will remember that I was not only different, but smiled at them too....a friendly lady. I answer their well-meaning curious questions. My philosophy is that if I have educated a child then chances are I will have also educated their family as well. Children talk you know!

But then there are incidents like something that happened today. Apparently I was a real hilarity to a couple of older teens/20-something year old girls today. They just laughed. I just told them that they only think they're pretty.

It hurt. I'm not that strange looking. Really.

As I drive along in my car, I reflect upon people like those girls. Apart from hoping that karma bites them in the butt one day, is it right for me to also feel sorry for them? I do. I don't think they'll develop much resilience and character in their lives. Sometimes I really feel that the effort of maintaining a positive attitude in life despite the nastiness that comes against a person is character building. I don't think it takes too much strength of character to dish out nastiness, but it takes a lot of strength of character to maintain a positive sense of self when all that negativity is in your face every day you step pout your front door.

In any case, I'm going to continue being me. I'm going to continue being positive, friendly, polite and kind. I am going to continue working at my job to the best of my ability. I'm going to continue in my quest to learn how to be a good partner to my husband and a loving Mum to my adult kids.

That's all I can do.

See! My life's not all that different is it?

One day I'll talk about it properly. I'm not ready yet. I think you have enough hints in this entry anyway.

Wow!

Goodness! I logged in here and found I have two followers! *waves* What a nice surprise!

All of a sudden I started wondering if I will write differently now that I know people are reading. I hope not!

Soooooooo.....it's been the most amazing of beautiful days. The sky has been just so blue this week which has made it a pleasure to walk to work every day. My spirits have really lifted since the weather has turned around and decided to break forth the sunny blue skies of Spring. It's a shame having to work indoors, although I get a great surprise if I emerge at lunch time into bright sunshine. I wish I had a job in a plant nursery during these days...although I could imagine it would be a drag in the winter....and in the searing heat of summer.....especially on the 47c days we had a couple of Summers ago.....

Hubby and I are going away for a weekend in two weeks time. He has really been struggling to get on top of things lately and so we thought that getting away to just be refreshed would be a good idea. We had been to this lovely Tuscan-type villa near Daylesford called Sailors Falls Estate a couple of years ago and absolutely loved it. The villas are owned by friends of my parents and they're lovely people, so I emailed them and asked them if they had a vacancy. They had one left, so I quickly booked it. I simply cannot wait to go and neither can James. It is such a peaceful, tranquil place, with places to explore and spas where you can indulge in a massage and pampering. Last time we were there we ate at a restaurant called Sault, which had the most scrumptious food! I'm salivating just thinking about it! I hope we go there again. (oops! I just looked at the price list. I forgot how expensive it was!)

I know that a weekend away isn't going to make everything go away for James, but at least it will give us both some time to chill out and relax. I'm looking forward to spending time with him. After 23 years he's still the one who makes me smile and the one I am glad I get to share my life with.

In closing, here's a photo of my dog Maya. She's a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and the most beautiful, the most silly, the naughtiest and sweetest dog you could wish for. Looking for a breed that's good for children? Consider a Cavalier. Gentle, loving and devoted. I have never known one to be snappy and nasty. Maya will be three years old on October 27. She's still like a puppy....but toilet trained!

Recordings

It's been a bit difficult over the past week with the OTHER SITE being offline. It's been frustrating to say the least and I guess the hundreds of thousands of other diarists have found it just as frustrating as I have. Still, I can only assume that the Diary Master is doing his or her level best to get everything up and running for us again so I think I need to cut him some slack and let him/her just get on with it.

I've really been wanting to write some kind of record for myself in regards to my husbands struggles with mental illness - just so that I can look back and maybe discover patterns, triggers, what helps, what doesn't help, outward symptoms he displays, behaviour, apparent moods, reactions.

I know this may sound very clinical...and maybe even a little...critical but my aim is to understand him a little more. I want to know how I can help. I want to even record my own reactions to him at the times he is really struggling so I can see where perhaps I stuff it up and get it wrong. I know it will be very much a trial and error thing as dealing with mental illness is like standing on shifting sand. What helps one day may hinder on the next day....but the aim is to be a more understanding partner to him and to perhaps help him navigate his stormy times.

So, this entry will be the first.

Currently he is struggling. He hasn't had any consistent work in two weeks. He had work on a new campaign on Monday night but was sent home after a few hours as he wasn't reaching the target quota....along with several other people - some of whom were sent home after only an hour. Since then they haven't called him in again.

He shows boredom being at home but doesn't seem motivated to do things like laundry or cleaning.

His mood with the kids and I is quite good. Very loving last night and gave be a massage and lots of spontaneous hugs. Joked around a bit which was lovely.

So maybe he's not struggling too badly. My reactions to him have been positive. This morning I casually got laundry out of the washing machine and said that if he was looking for something to do he could hang it out to dry. I have let the fact that our bed wasn't made slip by without comment. I think this is the way to go at the moment. I must remember not to let it fester if it does annoy me though. Maybe just a gentle request now and again.

I love the guy. I really do.

Negotiating a new path

Since returning from Perth my eldest daughter is different...or maybe she was on the cusp of changing before she went away and the change in scene and environment was the catalyst for the changes to come into force....or maybe ten days away from her family and her protective and motherly mother was what she needed to experience to bring about a yearning for a new independence. She had ten days of having to do for herself...making her own decisions about things, doing things for herself...even though the physical environment didn't cater at all well for her particular disability.

In any case, we are negotiating a new relationship....and it is difficult.

I guess it was bound to happen. She is, after all, 23. I was a mother of two at that age...making decisions not only for myself but for my children and, to some extent, my husband. Admittedly I didn't have the physical limitations that she has to contend with, but at the same time I think I would have been more than a little annoyed if my mother was still (for want of a better term) mothering me at that age.

And I do still mother. I will admit that.

The new relationship is characterised by this undertone of annoyance with each other. Maybe we are just together too much. We both live and work together. I'm finding the work relationship more difficult to negotiate. Her role here at work is her first real job, so she is still learning how to function in the work environment. Her job is different to mine, so if she asks for assistance when her boss isn't here, then I am unable to help her effectively. If I try to and I get it wrong then she gets annoyed that I haven't understood. I get annoyed that she gets annoyed with me....so I just go back to my own desk and let her stew it out on her own.

I think perhaps we have reached the point where she needs to spread her wings and fly from the nest at least. She will then be able to negotiate her own independence, work out what she can and can't do on her own, manage her own affairs, celebrate her own successes, learn from her own errors....without me there. Sure I will be on the sidelines to assist, encourage and give advice when requested, but I really think she needs to go out and find who she is on her own. I think we both need that space to be able to come back together with a more equal relationship....one between two women, rather than the mother and daughter thing. Maybe then there will be more mutual understanding and respect, rather than this current undertone of......struggle.

Don't get me wrong....it's not all screaming and fighting......we get on really well most times.......but I can't help notice that things have changed and there is something there that wasn't there previously....a struggle for autonomy.....which I believe is natural and right.....but stilll needs to be successfully negotiated.

I miss my little girl....but I will welcome the new woman who will one day be a friend.

Resisting

Oh I am so trying to resist the urge to write word vomit! Positive, positive, positive! However, I'm finding it difficult thinking positively. The rage is simply burning at the moment. I am hurt and I don't know what to do with it. It is spilling over into everything and I don't want it to. What do I do with it? I need to centre in and look for something that helps restore that sense of balance and calm, but what is it? Where is it? I don't like my reactions to things at the moment. I have started becoming cynical again, frustrated, annoyed. I am answering calmly but underneath there is this rage that, quite frankly, disturbs me.

At home I am engaged in a cold war. I have instigated this myself. It's there for self protection. I don't know how long it will be there for. I'd like to think it will only be there until I hear a heartfelt, "I am sorry."

I won't be getting that though. I have never received a genuine, heartfelt, "I am sorry." There has always been excuses and reasons...and I am tired of those.

My hurt is understandable. The kick to the solar plexus was real and out of the blue. I am reeling because as far as I could understand, as far as my eyes could see and my mind could understand, everything was fine. But it wasn't. I went to bed thinking all was well with the world and then woke up the next morning to discover, splashed all over Facebook, that I was very much mistaken.

Naturally one would be hurt.