Spoiled

I'm truly a momentum person. I'm better if I get going right from the starting blocks and just keep running until the race ends at the end of the day, or the week or whatever.

I've been thoroughly spoiled this week. Easter has meant that I only have to work one day a week this week, and that's tomorrow.

Do you think I want to go to work tomorrow? Not on your sweet Nelly! It will start at 5am. I will be at my workplace at 9am and won't be back home again until 6:45pm. Not happy Jan! (that's an Aussie saying with a commercial to go along with it. Have a look on YouTube and search for Not Happy Jan and you will probably see what I'm harping on about.)

Oh man! This stupid laptop has decided to chuck a hissy fit and keep jumping the cursor around into the middle of already written sentences and I keep having to fix it so I'm just giving up right at this point in time.

The fact that I have also had two glasses of wine may also be another reason why I am a little less tolerant of the quirks of this laptop.

Exploration and Adventure.

There's a little voice in the office today. Ruthie has brought in two-and-a-half year old Maya because her babysitter couldn't make it. Maya burst though the door full of chatter. "Look! I've got a flower in my hair!" She has done the rounds of the office, chatting and galloping like only a two-and-a-half year old can. She is excited. She can't wait until ten o'clock because she will hear the, "Bong! Bong! Bong!" of the clock in the Town Hall next door. She is quiet at the moment. I think she's watching Charlie and Lola.

I miss having little ones that age. I love the full-blown excitement for life they have; the wide-eyed looking at the world. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we never lost that ability to see the world as a place filled with new things to explore and adventure around every corner? My five year old neice Taylah still has it. She bursts into the room, expecting to find friends. She explores and plays and chats with so much gusto that she actually sweats. You see her take a moment to rest and her hair is damp and sticking to her face. All her energy is taken up with playing.

That's something for me to contemplate today. Maybe I am spending all my energy on things that don't need it. I'd like to think that I can become exhausted from throwing myself into life with full gusto, seeing adventure around every corner - even if the adventure is something others may seem as trivial. Adventure and exploration can be found everywhere in something as simple as a fallen leaf or a pretty shell on the beach.

We all had it once. Maybe that sense of adventure just got crowded out with the mundane and the trivial.

Nothing but Knitting

Hmmm...this is going to take longer than I first thought. I have the knitting bug and I am practicing a LOT. I'm just finshing up an adorable little baby cardigan.

Trouble is, in my entire 40-something years I have only ever finished ONE item on my own....and that was over 25 years ago. I am only just getting back into the hang of things, working out how to mattress sew hems so they sit flat, pick up stitches along an edge to create a ribbed section. This first item I'm finishing is DEFINITELY a practice run. It's most certainly not a sellable item. This depresses me a little. I'm a perfectionist at heart and I want to get it right the first time round. However, I do appreciate the process of learning from my mistakes and know that once I get into the hang of things I'll be whipping up things of better standard.

I'm pretty excited about it.

I've been trawling Etsy, looking for patterns that are quick, cute and easy and also come with the permission of the designer to sell my finished work. Eventually I want to be able to create my own patterns.

I like this enthusiasm I feel. It feels like I'm onto something. I know I'm not going to become rich because of it but the thought of making things that make other people happy really does something for me.

Random dotty dots

Shocking blogger I am!

So, you all get dotty updates today.

• My eldest daughter and I went to see Hairspray on Saturday afternoon at The Princess Theatre. Brilliant!
• I am wanting to start up a home based business - knitting and crocheting (although I have to reacquaint myself with how to crochet) baby hats and jackets and booties. All sorts of novelty things - like cute and kooky hats with ears etc. It's a real cottage industry - or so I've noticed on Facebook. I think I can have a real crack at it and make it work. Cos you know what? I'm tired of working for The Man. I want to do something that melts my butter!
• I am so organised at home at the moment it's not funny. It's giving me a real sense of calm and contentment and I'm full of confidence.
• Parent Teacher Interviews tonight. Should I be worried?
• My big girl is doing great guns at College. She is well liked and well accepted by all and sundry. I have never seen her look so happy or so confident. Although I miss her, I am glad she has moved out and found her feet. Fly little birdy, fly!
• I need to go and see a movie and have a glass of wine.

That is all.

Morning walk

One of the highlights of my day is my walk to and from work. I take the train from my home at 7:15am and travel for just over an hour into the city. From there I walk for about 40 minutes to my workplace.

It’s not the most scenic of walks. There is a lot of traffic, many pedestrians, many roads to cross, but I love it. I use those 40 minutes to think. I listen to my music and walk with the beat sometimes. The repetitive motion soothes me and assures me that I am ok.

Today there were the most delicious aromas to be savoured. A distinct, delicious burnt sugary smell wafted around me at some point. My workplace is surrounded by many different cafes, many of them tempting us with international cuisine. Breakfast was being served this morning. The smell of bacon and freshly roasted coffee made me wish I had foregone my usual two slices of vegemite on toast with tea and waited to sit in a warm café with friendly waiters willing to bring me such delicious morsels. Maybe something like that would be just what the doctor ordered. I don’t know the names of the vendors, but we recognise each others faces and wave and smile everyday – the smiles genuine and welcoming. They are actually the first friendly faces to greet me every day lately. I kind of like that we have that connection. Food is such a companionable thing.

I am lonely in the morning as I eat my toast & vegemite and drink my tea. I only realised how much so this morning as I smiled and greeted familiar, nameless faces.

Strangers

I think the aspect I am finding so difficult to come to terms with is that we are strangers now. I do not recognise this person standing before me. Not. At. All.

I find it difficult to even believe that we shared intimacies, thoughts, dreams, conversations, jokes...even food.

I find it sad that actual strangers in the street, the supermarket, the marketplace, get more positive eye contact and niceties than you and I give each other these days.

With you I am placing just one foot in front of the other on a daily basis. When I am out of the house and away my step is light and free, filled with assurance and confidence.

I don't know when we became strangers....and I think we've gone too far to become acquainted again, sadly.

Validation

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days…actually….ever since Saturday. A number of things have kind of fallen into place. There have been one or two uncanny things. All have helped me along the road since Saturday.

The other day, I was perusing blogs over at the other diary site (I’m still there, I just don’t write anymore) and came across this:

When I was young and tumultuous my mother told me that before I could fall in love with someone, and feel love in return, I needed to love myself... otherwise the most I could hope to achieve was more uncertainty, doubt and fear. As much as I hated her for the cliché, she was right, and it took being at peace with myself before I could understand my feelings and let them guide me to something wonderful.
Trusting birth is a process similar to falling in love: before I can trust others, I must be able to trust myself; and then let that peace ground and guide me through all the difficult decisions, challenges and emotions that I have never felt before. Now that I've found that place again I can finally feel at ease in the presence of others without worrying that I will depend too heavily on them in times when I shouldn't. It's so easy to unwittingly give your autonomy to another when you're scared, and that's why it's so important to find your confidence.(Babyslime)

I know I have possibly known this for a long time, but for some reason I haven’t known it or owned it. I’m going to own it now.  

Don’t we all want to feel validated by another human being at one point or another? Don’t we all just want to feel like there’s someone out there who thinks we are beautiful and special?

I realised that validation is what I have been asking for from my husband for the whole time I have been with him. I also realised that he was looking at me for validation too. I thought I gave it to him. Honestly I did! But my validation wasn’t enough and he needed further validation…so much so that he was willing to pay for it……..

The rest, as they say is history…..or our history for the past 12 years anyway.

However, when I was reading the diarists blog the other day, this bit here just screamed at me from the screen:

“before I could fall in love with someone, and feel love in return, I needed to love myself... otherwise the most I could hope to achieve was more uncertainty, doubt and fear.”

I had been living all this time in uncertainty, doubt and fear. Even now as I write I realise that I have been living in that my entire married life. Somewhere, deep down I always knew that it was a matter of time before he would betray me. I can remember thinking it. I don’t know why that didn’t disturb me at the time! It does now. Why was I so quick to sacrifice myself like that, just hoping that he loved me enough? Why was I so quick to sacrifice my hopes and ideals?

I realised that it has never been my husband’s role to validate me. I needed to validate myself. I’ve always needed to validate myself. It was never my job to validate him either. I couldn’t possibly fill that role. It was unfillable! He had to do that himself.

For the first time in my life I am going to work on loving me – totally, completely, wholly. I’m going to look at finding that peace inside myself that surpasses everything, that assures me that I am on the right track; that tells me that I am going to be ok even if I am so completely and utterly alone. I am going to work on validating myself and knowing deep within that I am beautiful and loved, without needing anyone to tell me I am.

I don’t know how to start going about this exploration. Maybe I might start off with being kind to myself. I feel like a massage and facial. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t recognise the face looking back at me, but I know that she deserves a bit of loving right now from the one person who knows her best – me!

Just as a side note, one of my colleagues from work told me that she had a very vivid dream about me last night. We were driving along in her car and had stopped somewhere during a chat. We were talking about life and where we’re at, my current situation. All of a sudden she realised that I was also in the back seat of her vehicle – there were two of me. The one in the back seat was a younger version of me. All of a sudden the younger me looked at the older me and started exclaiming passionately, “This is NOT what I planned for! This is NOT what I wanted!”

I believe it was a message. Back in Bible days God would speak to people in dreams. I’ve certainly been thinking a lot about that dream. It’s certainly been a message to me. What to do with that message I don’t quite know yet, but it’s made me sit up and take notice.

I think I might start blogging this journey of self-indulgence. It may be interesting.