We're back from the States. We've been back a week. To say that jet lag has been unkind would be an understatement. Being confused about where I am in time and space is another. I'm looking forward to getting back into the rhythms of this life again. I'm looking forward to settling in with the ebb and flow of here.
Since being away it's felt as though the need to write online is dying. After many years I'm coming to a place where I question if I should continue. Being away gave me the space to simply inhabit the now and it was good. I felt solid and private; as though I wasn't desperately trying to put the pieces of my life together into some less confusing order. There were times that things still didn't make sense and I was overwhelmed with the largeness of circumstance and the depth of my own emotion but somehow that was ok. I just went with the flow of the moment and did what needed to be done to get through.
Maybe that's what life is all about really. Staying present in each moment and riding the current without fighting it so you can stay alive and get through.
I am tired of fighting the current. I am tired of wondering why things are the way they are and crying into the howling wind about the unfairness of it all. I've learned that there are no answers. Sometimes I don't even believe there's a purpose to things. Things just happen and when they do you just have to roll up your sleeves and get into the business of making the most of what it is. Sometimes I think we lose way too much sleep looking for the meanings of things. Sometimes there are no meanings. It just is.
I think once I really accept and grasp this concept I will gain even more peace.
Does God exist?
Maybe.
Is he intimately interested in every small aspect of my life?
Probably not.
I don't know why I ruminate on this. I guess because these two questions had definite, positive answers when I was growing up. I think it's interesting that they don't now. I turn these questions over in my mind the way a child would turn over an interesting shell or pebble they found in their hand.
No longer having definite answers to these two questions has made me less angry and resentful. There's no one to blame. It just is.
Having a few circumstances happen in the USA where there was nothing to do but roll up our sleeves and formulate a Plan B and even Plan C was the first time in forever that I didn't meet the circumstances with a howling "Why????" into the wind. I just accepted that it just was and we went to Plan B on the fly. No it wasn't fair and I admit that I went into the new situations with frozen, dogged determination, sucking the marrow out of every fun experience we possibly could. Dwelling on the "Why?" was pointless. Wasting my time trying to change the circumstance was not going to happen. I didn't want to use up that kind of energy. I thought that a $40 taxi ride to the local Walmart and searching fruitlessly for something that wasn't to be found was enough. The next day I spent an entire day away from the situation. A whole day by the pool and spa. It helped.
Memo to self: Do that more often; times where you don't talk about, think about or deal with it. Give yourself a break for crying out loud.
Where to from here? I'm not sure really. Something has switched...or something has died...I don't know. I'm trying to work out if that's a good thing. Maybe the bigness of life has finally killed off the last vestiges of the Leisa who would fight on. Maybe she has simply relinquished the illusion of any kind of control and is finally content to just be.
Either way, something's changed. It's silent and empty.
Maybe this is where I finally find God.
