Wanderer of the Void

Hi.
I'm Leisa.
It's been a while, hasn't it?
A long while.
My last blog entry was a rant and it was over on another one of my blogs that I had forgotten even existed. This entry isn't a rant....and it's firmly placed on a familiar writing platform to me. This is more automatic writing of no particular eloquence, breaking rules of spelling and grammar and sentence construction.
Once upon a time I read the blog of a woman and her four daughters who, after an unspeakable tragedy, wandered from place to place, exploring, connecting, re-organising their lives into some form of random structure. I used to envy them, wishing I could just move around from place to place, not needing a base but just free to move wherever the wind blew, connecting with new people and places and things only to move on again.
Be careful what you wish for. It may come to you....but not in the way you imagined and not in the way you particularly like. I've been moving around from place to place for a number of years now and it's not fun. It's not exciting.
I am surrounded by so many beautiful people who I adore. I am performing and being sought after to work with. I am creating. I am being paid to do what I love. Sometimes I will do it without being paid because I love it so much. I love the adrenaline. I love the feeling of creating something. I love the feeling of co-creating something. I love even the feeling of talking about possibilities even though those possibilities may never happen. I see more shows. I engage with more art. My mind is open to new things and experiences. I challenge old ways of thinking, formulate new thoughts and ideas.

I am so fucking lonely I can't stand it any more. I look down the barrel of a future I never imagined nor planned for and I am filled with terror. Absolute, white hot, soul crushing terror. I long for the end but lack the courage to follow through. I've done 18 years worth of therapy only to come out with an outcome I didn't hope for.

I divorced a person I still love. Do you know what that feel like?

I fell in love with someone who I knew right from the start would never stay. I was ok with this until I was forced out of the easiness that was us by someone who saw and still sees me as a threat.

I hate with a passion I never dreamed possible. It's so intense that it both terrifies and excites me.

I look in the mirror and I don't know who I am anymore. The characters on stage feel more safe to be than the one in the mirror. They are fierce, confident, assured, loved, affirmed, safe. The one in the mirror walks home in the dark on her own, gets into bed alone, rises alone, eats in silence, works and does it all again the next day....day after day after day.

The skin hunger has reached an unbearable level. Do I still exist if I am untouched? It doesn't feel it. I resent those that say...."but in spite of all the problems and trauma I still hold them and fall asleep." That fuels the hate. I pay to be touched. I pay for it. Shaitsu. Thai. All above board. But I hate the fact that I have to pay for it....and the hands doing it don't know me at all....but anything for some kind of grounding. Anything that tells me I exist.

I don't think I do really. I am simply the product of some higher beings insane imagination.

I'm also starting to hate the letter S at the end of words. There's a reason for this.

Alone In A Crowd

Source

I've decided that I have chosen to pursue a very lonely sport.

Maybe I just came to that conclusion as a result of being in a bit of a funk, but it's something I've been thinking about since I participated in The Color Run last Sunday.

Honestly, I don't mind running alone when I'm....well....running alone! Getting up early in the morning and running before everyone else is awake and the day is still fresh and new is something I enjoy very much. It's my time; a time where it's just me and the road and my thoughts and by the time I get back home I am invigorated and awake and set to take on the day.

Events are a different matter.

Most of the events I've entered into are Fun Runs, although The Run Melbourne I did earlier in the year was a little more serious. Fun Runs are normally done as a group and they're supposed to be...well...fun! You and your friends get together and run, take selfies, engage in some friendly competition and generally encourage each other to keep going to the end. Trouble is, I don't have a running partner, or a friend I run with so I normally enter into these Fun Runs as a solo participant, get there, run, go home. The end.

Standing on my own in a field of over 20,000 other Color Run participants last Sunday was a pretty lonely feeling, I must admit. It made me wonder why on earth I do this....

But I love it. I love to run. It's as pure and simple as that. I've chosen to do something that people I love are unable to join me in....and I've chosen to do something that I have to participate in on my own level, not trying to keep up with others, which means that I slow people down if I'm running with people who want to make a good time.

I'm getting faster. After three years I have finally started to run under 8min/km. Today I really pushed and ran my fastest yet - 7.31min/km over a 2km distance. Something has finally clicked. I don't know what...but whatever it is, it's making me faster. I'm going to keep practicing these short "sprints" until I can try pushing harder over longer distances. I think the frustration of trying to get around walkers at The Color Run on Sunday might've done it because when I got a break I ran like the clappers to make up some time!

Why I made it all about the time during a Fun Run I'll never know. I just wanted to get out of there to be honest.

I was a little emotional when I got home. It was good to be not so alone anymore. I've asked for some company when I register for the next Run for the Kids.

I've set myself some running goals. These goals have been on my mind for a year now but for some reason I have baulked at achieving them. Over the past week one of my fitness idols (who is also short statured) achieved a pretty amazing feat, inspiring me to push further, train harder and showing me that it is actually possible.

Watch this space.