Confronting

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There are times where I really, really, really don't like ageing.

Most of the time I can fool myself into thinking I'm still 25. Honestly, I feel it. Fresh, vital, alive.

But the mirror doesn't lie and seeing myself on camera is even worse.

I'm now understanding celebrities going under the knife or getting Botox and collagen and whatever else they do. The sense of panic that's set in over the past day or so is just horrendous - almost more than I can bear to be honest.

As Dolly Parton says in Steel Magnolias; "Time marches on and eventually you realise it's marching across your face!"

I'm feeling a bit lost at the moment. I'm tired of working a job just for the money. I'm told to do something I'm passionate about but I don't know what that is. I long to be free, unfettered, not reliant upon money so I can pay bills to simply exist. I want to get out of here and explore and learn and create and be a part of a community of free spirits. This 9 - 5 Monday to Friday existence of looking forward to two free days is just nuts. I'm getting older and I don't want to live out the rest of my life doing the same old same old and being bored as shit. I want to live.

And life seems to beckon from the road.

The Public Face

Do you have a Public Face?

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I feel the constant need to put on my Public Face. All. The. Time. This is the face that smiles and says, "Yes, I'm fine. Sure I've seen each one of my four children through extensive, life-changing surgeries. Sure I wrestle every day with access issues. Sure I try and ignore people being insenstive and downright rude and ignorant every day. But I'M OK.

I find I am very aware that I am on display simply by stepping out my front door every day. I attract attention. I attract attention because I look different. I know this. I understand this. I know that if I wasn't short statured and I had never encountered difference I would possibly be curious too. With the upbringing I had I would like to think I would be politely curious. I hope I would. I guess I'll never know because I am the one who looks different so when I encounter another person with a difference I've never seen before I treat them exactly the way I'd like to be treated - with respect. I note their difference and then move on, letting them be just another face in the crowd just as I wish to be.

So, being a person living with a difference I learned from a very young age to put on the Public Face. The face that appears not to notice that people are looking, and staring, and giggling, and digging their mates in the ribs to make sure they notice me too, and getting out their mobile phones to take a picture or make a video to upload on YouTube or their Facebook or just to share with their friends. But I do notice...and I pretend it doesn't matter but it does. I like my privacy. I can make a joke with myself that they're only taking photos and videos because I am so damn hot or so damn famous that they can't believe they've seen me. It doesn't work though