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| Ok, so not the clearest shot...but whatever...you get the picture. |
I don't know why this is. I don't know if it's because I occupy this body. I'd love to explore the psychology behind it. I've always said. "I only feel different when someone points it out to me, or reminds me, or tells me I am."
Truth is, I've struggled with feeling like a "real" anything.
I never felt like a real teenager.
I've struggled with feeing like a real woman.
I was never really having sex.
Getting pregnant before marriage was something that didn't really happen "to people like me".
And how could I really be "Mum" to that baby they just placed in my arms and told me was mine?
Of course the natural consequences of certain actions kind of shot those illusions in the face.
I've been a mother for 28 years, someone's significant other for 29 years and an "official" adult for almost 30 years and all this time I've felt as though I've been "playing grown ups". There have been times I've thought, "I'm not old enough for this s#!%!" There have been times I haven't known what to do so have just bungled my way through until I've worked it out the way I think it should be done. When the kids have come to me for advice it's like we're all just trying to work it out together. Sometimes they're the ones to pull me into line because I say and do the most ridiculous things.
Today that all kind of confronted me when someone commented, "You look like a REAL runner!" after seeing this photo.
To which I replied:
"Maybe because I am a real runner. :-)"
I didn't take it as an insult. In fact, I truly appreciated the comment because it moved me towards claiming for myself what is really true. And as I said that I was a REAL runner I felt a sense of pride and acceptance.
I am no longer just pretending, playing house, playing grown ups, dressing up.
I am REAL.
And I am a runner. A REAL runner.
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