Balm for the soul

When thoughts are colliding in my head and there seems to be no reprieve, I head for the place my heart and soul feels peace and rest. I head for the water, the salty air and the whipping wind. On Saturday, I drove down to Warneet with my faithful dog and neglected camera.

I wished the jetty went all the way to the other side. I wanted to explore over there. 

\

 My best girl Maya. I don't know what I would do without my faithful companion who loves me in the best way a dog possibly can. She loves getting out and about almost as much as I do.

I found myself drawn to the different angles and lines of this scene and wanted to capture it as best I could.

The wind and the sea air worked their magic. I found myself slowly coming back into my skin again after threatening to shatter and splinter and spin off in all directions. It's been a good thing to learn, this listening to my body and soul and discovering how to self-soothe. Once upon a time I would have desperately sought to find someone to anchor me down and reassure me that everything is okay. No longer. I know what I need. I know I am ok, just as I am...and even when things feel like they're spinning out of control they're actually not. I just need to go to a place where I can breathe and come back to myself again.

Protego Totalum - AKA Living in my bubble

Protego Totalum : is an incantation of many protective enchantments used to defend a certain small or enclosed area. Taken from the latin Protego meaning "to protect" and Totalum,  meaning "as a whole".

Taken from HERE.

Image source

Living as a person with an obvious physical difference has meant that when I am out and about doing my regular everyday, mundane things, I am noticed. A lot. It comes as part of the package. Everyone does it. I even do it. A difference registers in the brain. For me, I register the difference and move on....but most human beings register a difference and linger on it longer than is often comfortable.

For a long while I noticed this noticing. A lot. I knew when people stared. I saw when people did the double take. I heard the comments, the giggling, the obvious mirth. It used to bother me. A lot. I longed to be invisible, camouflaged, to just fit in....but that wasn't going to happen. Ever.

It was my brother who provided me with the perfect strategy for handling being under constant scrutiny. He told me that as the CEO of a business, people were always trying to get his attention, to meet with him, to take up his time - especially when he arrived at work. He told me to avoid this he would pretend not to notice, to look busy and purposeful and to avoid eye contact. He told me that eye contact meant that you were looking to engage with someone and that he had noticed that I was constantly looking at people, expecting contact. 

Look busy, ignore it and eventually you won't see it. 

It was hard to start off with. I realised how much of my time out in public was taken up with looking for people who were noticing me! (that sounds like I was up myself!) I was expecting the stares, the comments, the jitters. It took me a long time to perfect the art of not noticing at all and forming almost a "protective bubble" around myself. 

I now know how to use Protego Totalum!

I hardly notice it anymore! It hasn't stopped. I know it happens. In fact, possibly since the advent of the smart phone I am probably photographed or filmed at least once every day, but because I don't look for it, as far as I am concerned it's not happening.

Ignorance, my friends, CAN sometimes be bliss!

Of course I notice the obvious times. There are times where people are just so obviously downright rude that I can't help but notice and, sometimes, confront them on it. They're the times where someone has breached the protective bubble - you know, "This is my dance space, this is your dance space!" - and they have entered into my own personal space. I'm big on personal space. When your face is level with an average sized person's bum, personal space is very important! 

But for the most part these days I walk about in my little space of Protego Totalum and I am oblivious. This has done wonders for my own sense of self and for my mental health. Constantly feeling like I was on show was really doing my head in. Like, really!

The only downside of this is that there are times where I notice nothing! I friend could be calling out to me from the other side of the road, waving madly at me and I won't notice a thing. (It might help if I didn't have my ear phones in listening to my favorite tunes!) I've had people say to me afterwards, "I saw you at the ***** today and I was waving madly but you ignored me!" We laugh about it, but they know it's just a part of the way I do life....they also think I'm nutty, but that's another story. 

I am not alone in this. At the convention last week I laughed as I noticed other short statured friends doing exactly the same thing. Maybe it's a coping mechanism we all have.

All I know is, Protego Totalum works for me.....and I'd like to give a nod to Hermione Granger for giving me the cool label for it!