2014 - The year in review

Again, apologies for not blogging for weeks. I kind of lost myself there for a while....and I haven't had access to a computer on which to write! Since moving out I have relied on my phone for all things internet related and with the lack of wi-fi I've succeeded in using up 95% of my data allowance with seven days to go before it clicks over. Hence, the silence.

Since Stella's Memorial in December I have been quietly reflective about everything. The day after the memorial I went and purchased Clare Bowditch's CD and listened to her song Are You Ready Yet which she performed at the service. Reflecting on the words of that song strengthened my resolve to move on to a brighter future filled with hope. It's what Stella would want. The memorial, although sad, was such a celebration of the beauty that was our friend Stella. Afterwards, we all danced like wild things in Federation Square, proud to be who we are and proud and grateful to have known such a wonderful soul. Since then, every time I have heard Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson I've grinned like a silly thing remembering the shared love of all of Stella's friends that day and dancing without a care.

I could spend this whole post on what's been happening during my silence on here but I'm not going to. Instead, lets reflect upon 2014 with the traditional reflective questions, shall we?

What did you do in 2014 that you had never done before?

I ran a distance of 17km.

I interviewed TWO Hollywood stars!

I co-MC'd an event.

Did you keep your resolutions?

I don't make resolutions, instead I have a theme word for the year and try and keep to that theme. 2014's theme was ACTION - and I certainly actioned a lot of thoughts and plans! There was a lot of saying of the word, "YES"and just rolling with what happened afterwards. I found myself doing many new and exciting things - such as interviewing Peter Dinklage and Hugh Jackman, doing some public speaking and being co-MC for by workplaces 40th Anniversary celebrations. I met so many new and wonderful people whom I now count as friends and have developed so much more confidence. Putting things into ACTION certainly meant that my life has become more exciting and fulfilled!

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my sister and her husband gave birth to their beautiful daughter in January.
A friend and her husband also welcomed twin boys at the close of December.

Did anyone close to you die?

Our beautiful Stella.

What countries did you visit this year?

The kids and I took off to the USA and spent a week in Anaheim, CA to visit Disneyland for Chloe's birthday. We also took a bus tour of Hollywood, Venice Beach, Marina Del Ray.

What would you like to have in 2015 that you didn't have in 2014?

Honestly, I seemed to have everything I needed in 2014. I can't possibly think of anything more for 2015. I love simplicity, I love simple living and find that life is so much more fulfilling and meaningful when you reduce the clutter and concentrate on the important, the precious and the essentials.

What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

December 6 and December 8. The day we lost Stella and the day we found out.

What was your biggest achievement this year?

I think my biggest achievement was becoming proud....and I didn't fully realise it until the end after seeing Stella for the last time and then hearing Bryce Ives read out Stella's favorite piece of writing "You get proud by practicing". It was then that I realised that for the first time in 47 years I am content, happy and proud to be who I am in this physical form I inhabit. This has been an enormous breakthrough for me which has been quietly and gently facilitated by the company I keep - the many, many beautiful people I have gotten to know who identify with and actively celebrate difference and diversity.

What was your biggest failure?

I guess the pie-in-the-sky plan to run to Adelaide! Was this a failure though? No. I don't think so. Is it possible? Yes. Is it wise? Possibly not. The jury is still out, however I am still contemplating an active something that will serve to raise funds...

Did you suffer illness or injury?

2014 was my healthiest year in a long time. No colds, no flu's, no injuries.

What was the best thing you bought?

I can't think of anything! Books?

Whose behaviour merited celebration?

All my kids. They continue to develop into the most spectacular adults and I treasure the time I spend with them listening to their discoveries and developing wisdom.

Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

You know....I think I will delete this question for next year. Although there have been behaviours I have witnessed over the past year that have saddened me I am acutely aware that I am not the seer of all things and I can't begin to fully understand the inner motivations of people as to why they behave the way they do. I heard a saying once that we tend to judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions. In other words, we are quick to judge others on an action yet we cut ourselves slack because we know what our intent was. I'm working on trying to give people the benefit of the doubt.

......although our Prime Minister, Tony Abbott may be exempt from this benefit......

Where did most of your money go?

Rent and bills...and an overseas holiday!

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My baby niece in January and the news of a new niece or nephew to arrive in June 2015!

What song will always remind you of 2014?

Cosby Sweater by the Hilltop Hoods
Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson.

Compared to this time last year are you:

a) Happier or Sadder?

Happier

b) Thinner or fatter?

Thinner with more lean muscle.

c) Richer or poorer?

Poorer

What do you wish you had done more of?

Weights and full body workouts.
Catching up with friends.

What do you wish you had done less of?

Grieving.

How did you spend Christmas?

Family Christmas was at my brothers house on December 20.
Christmas Day was spent with my husband's family and my parents at our place. Although it was busy leading up to the day it was a lovely day seeing everyone again.

What was your favorite TV program?

Game of Thrones - Season 4, as downloaded on memory stick by Akash!

What was the best book you read?

The Alchemist by Paul Cohelo.

What was your greatest musical discovery?

Lana Del Ray, particularly West Coast

Yeah, ok....I know there are people who think she's depressing. I love her.

What did you want and get?

Love, Joy, Peace.

What did you want and not get?

A new iPhone. (I got a Huawei instead)

What was your favorite film of the year?

I enjoyed Lucy and Interstellar.

What did you do on your birthday this year and how old were you?

I was 47 and I believe we went out for dinner.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Secure employment for all my children.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?

Confused hippy.

What kept you sane?

Running. Always running.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Benedict Cumberbatch. That voice!

What political issue stirred you the most?

We had a state election in 2014 and for the first time I cared deeply about who got in and the impact it would have on future federal elections.  Cuts to aid funding and social welfare are alarming, to say the least and I have grave concerns for our future.

Who did you miss?

No one.

Who was the best new person you met?

Oh gosh! That's so hard! I met a lot of people through sad circumstances and wish so much I had've known them before this. I've also met so many lovely people through work. I can't pick who is the best new person. They are all wonderful and my life is richer for having them in it!

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014?

Love people and celebrate with them whenever you see them for there may not be a next meeting. Tell people you love them, let them know how much they are appreciated. I am so very, very grateful that this was what happened the last time I saw Stella.

Wanderlust

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere."

Belle - Disney's Beauty and the Beast.

Back to the mundane sameness of the everyday.

I sit here in the train and wonder again who I am, where I'm going and what my dreams are. I seem to have lost my Leisa-ness somewhere. That wide-eyed hippy girl (yes, I still think of myself as a girl) enamored with the amazing-ness of life, contented to just potter amongst the veggies, create new things and just sit and breathe seems to have flitted off somewhere, replaced by this person who is again so bogged down by sameness, overwhelmed with the "have to's" and so very, very bored.

Disappointed is the word that comes to mind. I'm disappointed that I have once again slipped into this funk without warning. 

As usual I have tried to analyse this and what I kind of think is that I have had too many fingers in too many pies and have been too busy. I haven't been able to just centre in at home and breathe. Being centred is a very necessary part of my mental and physical health. It's well known that I am a homebody. Nothing makes me happier than pottering about at home; putting things in order, making my space (our space) a place of order and calm and peace. Over the course of this year I haven't been able to do that at all. Too much going on. Too many things jumping out from left of centre to cope with, deal with and manage. 

My mind is cast back to about eighteen months ago when everything seemed to be flowing smoothly. The house was neat, ordered, clean. Everything was done by 8:30pm - including a wipeover and disinfecting of all bathroom surfaces, vacuuming, mopping of the floor and all laundry. We had healthy dinners at the table. 

These days I can't remember the last time the bathrooms were cleaned. The animal hair and dietrus lies thick on the floor and the carpet, people fossick in the laundry basket for clean clothes and mealtimes are pretty much, "Get your own and come and eat it at the coffee table in front of the TV." I don't function well like this. I'm functioning, but not well. I don't feel grounded, I don't feel connected to the earth and those around me. I no longer know where I'm going and what I want. 

I've always said that the state of my physical environment is a direct reflection of the state of my inner world. 

Still, there are a lot of exciting things happening out there and I am a part of them and happy to be a part of them...but my heart is longing for quieter, simple times and my mind is starting to plan towards how to make that happen once again. I'm thinking of taking the entire month of January off work. A whole month of reconnection and reflection seems like balm to my soul even just thinking about it. 

Spelunking about in the cave space

Image source

I've been quiet on the blogging front lately. I know I shouldn't really even mention that fact and should just blog on as though there has been no absence, but...well...there you go. I mentioned it.

Truth be told I'm hanging about in some kind of cave right now - a'la Gollum-like almost. No...not really...but I still can't get that image out of my head. When I was going through some really heavy stuff a number of years ago I couldn't help but watch the opening scenes of Gollum in LOTR - Return of the King and go..."Yeah mate, I get it." 

I'm getting sidetracked....LOOK! Something shiny!

I've got a number of posts sitting in various states of completion in my Drafts folder...but somehow I can't bring myself to finish them. Blogging is such a curious thing. How does one do a blog without making it too much like a diary? How does one write blog content without the population of the interwebz knowing all the inner machinations of the author's life? Am I too much of an over-sharer, a whiner, an over-thinker? How much of the daily goings-on of the household do I share before it starts being too intrusive on the privacy of the people I love so much?

These are all the things I have been musing on lately. There are times when I regret starting a blog. There! I said it! I am torn between wanting to develop my writing, develop this blog and make it start taking me places and just wanting to chuck it all in and disappear into obscurity.

I think I've said this before.

Truth is, life's just throwing some curveballs again lately (when does it not?) and so I've retreated back to the cave just to have a quiet space just to get through it. I'm like that proverbial little duck you see floating on a pond. On the surface all seems calm and serene, but underneath the water those little legs are paddling furiously to stay afloat!

Image source

Sidenote: I adore ducks!

Sometimes I find myself wondering if these life curveballs will ever stop. Somehow I don't think they will. I'm learning to deal with that. I spent a long time back in my younger days ranting and railing about what I perceived as the unfairness of it all, but I don't do that now. It is what it is and I have learned to accept and sometimes even embrace whatever comes along as opportunities to learn and grow. I've been participating in a writing project over the past year called Letters to Myself, where I have written to my younger 13-year old self. Writing to my 13-year old self made me realise what a pivotal time that was - kind of my Sliding Doors moment - and that if I had've made a different decision that year my life would have been completely different. 

The thought of that actually scared me. 

As a result of writing that letter to my younger self I realised that there isn't one aspect I would change. Not one, regardless of the curveballs that keep being dealt as a result of some of those choices. 

But going back to the cave...I realise I really need it sometimes....and, at the moment, most times. The world out there can sometimes be too big and too sad. Robin William's death today has rocked me, really rocked me. I think the fact that he succumbed to the despair that he felt is the thing that's really hurting....and I think the thing that I can relate to the most. On the surface, Robin seemed like a hilarious, happy-go-lucky kind of guy....but underneath the surface I get the impression that he too was paddling furiously just to stay afloat....and one day he just couldn't keep paddling anymore. 

My cave provides me with silence and solace. A place to just stop and breathe for a little while. There's no one else in there except me...and I can't begin to tell you how much I need that sometimes. In my cave I'm neither upbeat or depressed; I just am. Quiet, thoughtful, restful, contemplative. I do a lot of crocheting, a bit of writing and some organising of my space. It helps. 

What would I do?

Memory - Image credit

The delightful Kate, from Kate Says Stuff posted this thought provoking question today.

If you had no memory of yesterday, and no understanding that tomorrow might exist, what would you do today?

I think about this a lot.

Both of my maternal grandparents had Alzheimers disease and Multi-infarct Dementia . My great grandmother had Alzheimers as well. I cannot remember my great grandmother very much, but I watched my grandparents deteriorate over the years. My Pa passed away when I was seventeen. He had been unwell for ten years prior to his death so I didn't have much comprehension of what was going on and as children we weren't really told much. Looking back on it all now it would have been really helpful to have been given some kind of explanation...(yet ANOTHER story for yet ANOTHER time.)....both for our understanding and for Pa's benefit. It's only been as an adult that I've gained some understanding of what Pa was going through at the time and what kind of "old people's home" he was actually in.

*shakes head*

Word to the wise...tell children the truth, even when it might be difficult. It helps.

Nanna passed away in 2009, not long after she was formally diagnosed with Alzheimers. Watching her decline was harder, even though I knew what was happening. I think the hardest thing was watching this strong, formidable woman become a mere shadow of who she was. Alzheimers is horrible. It takes away your loved ones years before they actually leave.

So....when at the age of 45 a couple of years ago a random MRI of my brain showed that there were areas of atrophy I immediately thought of Nan and Pa and saw myself heading down the same path.

"We usually don't see this kind of thing happen until the age of 65," my doctor told me. It wasn't very encouraging or comforting. I already knew that I have diverticular disease which was diagnosed in my early 30's - again something you don't normally see in anyone under the age of 45, so to get the news of my brain shrinking at the age of 45 was.....kind of scary. Guts I can handle....brains going haywire are a little more tricky.

So....when Kate posed the question this morning my thoughts immediately went to Nan and Pa and my own brain atrophy diagnosis. Near the end my grandparents had no memory of five minutes ago let alone yesterday. I don't know if they had any thoughts of tomorrow as their capacity for speech left them. They were in the perpetual now. Like, right now. Second by second.

I wonder what that was like for them?

Was it scary or were they just content to be?

Leading up to being in the perpetual now, when she was still chatty and talkative, Nanna would repeat the same stories over and over. The last one I remember her being stuck on was remembering something my children did one day when she was looking after them. (before she became unwell) Every time I'd visit she would recount that story over and over....every five or so minutes.

I didn't mind. It brought her joy to recount it...and perhaps she felt she was contributing to the conversation more by doing so. I could see in her face that the story warmed her heart...and at that stage in proceedings I was happy just to see her happy.

I don't know what's ahead for me. No one can tell me what this atrophy is all about, why it's there, whether it has something to do with my achondroplasia and the larger ventricles that accompanies it or if it's related to depression and stress. No one can tell me if it's the early stages of the same path my grandparents trod.

What I do know though is that I am OK now. Some of the memory lapses I have can easily be attributed to things like stress, being distracted, too many things on my plate.....and the dreaded "M" word.......

No, not THAT one..........*menopause* (shhhhhhh!)

I guess my diagnosis prompted me to concentrate more on NOW. Now is very important.....being mindful, intentional, deliberate. Sucking the very marrow out of each moment. It has prompted me to let go those things over which I have no control. It has encouraged me towards positivity, believing the best in and for others even when they may not reciprocate. My running has become my meditation; being thankful to be out and free in the fresh air and quiet of the morning, breathing in the goodness of being alive each day. When my Pa was alive one thing he didn't forget how to do was ride his bike. He often took his bike out for a ride every day (once or twice in his dressing gown) and rode the streets of the town he'd lived for so long. Did this bring him comfort? Did it fill him with a sense of purpose and calm? I wish I knew. My running does it for me....maybe his riding did the same for him.

If you had no memory of yesterday, and no understanding that tomorrow might exist, what would you do today?

I'd live. I'd live in the moment. Hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.....so that if one day I actually don't have any memory of yesterday and no understanding of the existence of tomorrow I will have already taught myself to live in the beauty of today.

The Grid

Image source

They secretly wonder when things will get back to normal for us - when we will be ourselves, when the tragedy of (date) will cease to be the grid that we pass everything across. And I have to tell you the old Rick and Kay are gone. They're never coming back. We will never be the same again. There is a new "normal". (Date) has permanently marked us. It will remain the grid we pass everything across for an indeterminate amount of time...maybe forever.

Kay Warren

I read this article this morning by Kay Warren who in April, along with her husband Rick, will pass over the grid in time that marks the anniversary of their sons suicide.

When Kay wrote about the grid that marks that day I couldn't help but stop and acknowledge the existence of that grid. Do we each have a date and time that is indelibly etched on our lives? That specific point in time and space where everything in our world stopped, including our own heart...and then, with a great shudder, it all started up again. 

The thing is though, that when your heart started beating again after that eternal moment it was beating in a different chest, in a different body that had different thoughts, new emotions and a whole new reality. From that moment on you became an entirely different person living in a totally different world experiencing a strange, new reality. 

And there was no way you could ever return to being the person you once were. That person existed on the other side of that specific date and specific moment. They are no more.

But you look around and the world still looks the same. You peer into the mirror and the face that peers back certainly looks the same as the one you remember but you wonder how can that be? You wonder how it is that your face hasn't changed too because you certainly don't feel as though you should look the same. Something inside you has changed irrevocably, surely your appearance would too?

And for the rest of your life, every year you come around to that grid marker. You pause and remember the person you once were. Maybe you've changed for the better. Maybe you are wiser, more cautious, sure of yourself. But maybe you still feel that void and that hurt and confusion; and you miss your old self as one would miss a departed lover. 

Sometimes I miss the old me. Sure, I like the new me. She is stronger, fitter, more assured of her beliefs and convictions, less likely to be bullied or pushed around and tends not to seek the approval of most others. 

But I miss the old me who ceased to exist after a specific date and a very specific time on the clock - such was the trauma of it. She had an innocence about her, a naïveté you might say. She was more willing to take things at face value, less hard and stubborn. There are times I wish I could just go back and hug her, change her plans for that day, assure her she'd be ok. I miss her so much my heart aches sometimes.

Only those really close to me and know me from the beginning know how much I've changed - that this is Leisa 2.0. Most people in my life only know this me; and I'm ok with that. Leisa 2.0 is pretty cool. I like her. She's learned a lot, and experiences peace, joy and fulfilment that the first Leisa only ever dreamed possible.

I cannot deny however, as The Grid looms in the distance each year, that I reflect on how much my life has changed since that day...and how impossible it is to go back, no matter how much I might want to at times.