Hope and new directions

I've been saying for the longest time that I've wanted to work in my local community. My heart and passion is in the field of Early Childhood. I just love children and their wide-eyed view of the world. I loved it when I had three children under the age of five at home. They were so interesting, so fun.

Back in 2009 I decided to enrol at TAFE to do my Certificate III in Children's Services. I loved it. For my first placement I had a pretty dodgy centre. It was poorly run and had a drop dead boring program for the poor little mites but the children were just beautiful. No, they weren't angels...but I think some of that was a reflection of the poor quality care they were receiving. My second placement was a dream - a well run centre with staff who were well qualified and passionate about their job. They cared for the children and the children basked in it. It was a centre I would have happily sent my children to if I needed to. It was that centre that confirmed to me that yes, I did want a career in child care or as a pre-school assistant.

However, here I am. Seemingly stuck in a four day a week, 10am to 4pm office job. Don't get me wrong, I work with the loveliest people you could ever hope to work for. Everyone is so positive, no one thinks their job is more important than another's. It's a great place to work but it's just not a job that melts my butter. It's a job, not a career. Up until now I haven't seriously been pursuing my dream of working with children. I guess it had something to do with the fact that I had been maintaining the status quo whilst in the holding pattern that was my marriage.

Now I'm out of the holding pattern and I feel it's time for change. I really, really, really want this. I want to work in the field, I want to work in my local community. There's no point sitting here saying, "I don't like this anymore! I wish I had a job in child care!" I'm going to get up and get one...in my local area. No more commuting to the city four days a week. If it's going to be, it's up to me.

Having said all that though I am a little scared. This little black duck likes things that are stable, predictable, familiar. 2011 has been a year of enormous change. My eldest daughter moved out of home, my parents sold all their worldly possessions, bought a motor-home and are currently somewhere west of Woop Woop, my marriage dissolved after 25 years...and now here I am, actively seeking and invoking change. Am I out of my cotton-picking mind?

"No," answers the still, small voice within me. "No. You are not. You are just making decisions based on your own goals and gut feelings. It's time." My counsellor is constantly asking me, "What is your gut telling you?" For the first time ever, I'm listening to my gut constantly. It hasn't steered me wrong yet.

Today I applied for two different jobs in the Early Childhood field - one as an assistant in a Kindergarten (which is the one I REALLY want!) and the other in a child care centre in the 3 - 5 year old room. Both are in my local area. Gee I hope I at least get an interview. I also applied for a job as a medical receptionist. No, it's not in Early Childhood, but it is in my local area so it's a step in the right direction, a new direction.

Leisa is starting to boldly go where she once feared to tread.

Six

Just to mix it up a little I thought I might try something I saw on one of my favorite blogs over at Pacing the Panic Room.

1. Go to your documents
2. Go to your sixth file
3. Go to your sixth picture
4. Blog about it.

Ok, so there's also stuff there about tagging six friends to do it too, but I'm not going to bother. I don't have six files of pictures on here. I'm not that organised. They're all sitting in My Pictures, so I'll just grab the sixth. So, without further ado, here it is!

This is Buddy. One of our three budgerigars. She was not originally ours. She belonged to my mother-in-law prior to coming to us. Before that she was hatched from an egg at my nieces place. Hayley had a whole aviary of birds and wanted to hand rear one...and this one conveniently "fell" out of the nest. We all think she had a little help.

So Buddy was given to my mother in law to hand raise when she barely had any feathers and was really quite ugly. I didn't think she'd survive, but survive she did.

I have this theory that animals raised by humans end up being a bit...shall we say...screwy. Buddy definitely has a few screws loose. When my mother in law had her she was a grumpy little thing. She liked a copious amount of attention, liked free reign of the house, thought plastic balls in her cage were eggs that needed hatching, bit you if you got too close, refused to get back into her cage and was just generally demented. My mother in law doted on her but this seemed to make Buddy even more screwy. I don't think she realised she was a bird. In fact, when my mother in law bought her a "mate" he survived a mere week before he met his untimely demise at the talons of Buddy.

Eventually my mother in law decided that yes, Buddy was screwy and needed the company of other birds so she came to live at our place in the same cage as our two other budgies - one male and one female. She has proceeded to bust up a loving relationship and place herself as "the other hen" and is quite shameless with her flirting with our male budgie.

At first I would let the three budgies out to stretch their wings in the house but the hassle of getting the three of them back in their cage is most definitely not worth it. They are incarcerated for the rest of their lives now. However, they don't seem to be too upset by it. My mother in law still manages to visit Buddy from time to time and is rewarded by a sharp nip on the finger. Nice.

I'd love to change her name, for personal reasons, but Buddy seems to have stuck. I must admit to not really being this budgies greatest fan because of her attitude, so maybe Buddy is the perfect name for her....Funny how you can manage to form a particular dislike for an animal because of their spoiled disposition....

So, that's a blog about Buddy - the weirdo budgie. One of the many animals in our slowly shrinking menagerie.

I'm sure Dixie the cat would love to give her a warm cuddle - and a big kiss.

New Waters

Here I am, negotiating new and unchartered waters. I think I have actually paddled in these waters before; dipping my feet in, testing them and then running back to the safety of the shoreline. I kept running back to the shore even though I knew that what was there wasn't something I really liked. Funny how you stick with a situation just because you know it so well. It may not be what you want, it may not be comfortable, but you stick with it because it's familiar; you know it. You know how it works, or doesn't work. You stick with the uncomfortable familiar because launching out into the unknown seems to be a scarier option.

So, here I am...in the Sea of Separated Marriage-hood and surviving quite well thank you very much. I think reality hit me with a lump of four by two on Sunday night and, after realising that this was it and things were never going to change, I had a cry, squared my shoulders and got on with it. I took hold of the tiller, set my sails and chartered a new course. When I accepted the role of captain of my own life I began to feel a peace I hadn't felt in a while. I'm no longer waiting around for something that's never going to happen. I'm making things happen for myself.

The amazing thing I've found out here in these new waters is that it's not as stormy as I thought it was going to be. The winds aren't blowing, the sky isn't falling and my boat is not about to sink. On the contrary, things seem to be quite smooth. I'm not angry anymore. I'm not filled with bitterness, in fact I wish my ex-husband (that's the first time I've called him that) well. I know he doesn't think many positive things about me anymore, but for some reason I am no longer hurt. I know who I am and I know my intentions. I'm not too sure of my destination as yet, maybe there won't even be one. Maybe I'll just keep sailing and learning and growing and it will become more about the journey, rather than setting my eyes on a particular destination. Who knows what's around the corner anyway?

For the first time in a very long while, I am peaceful and content. Life is simple and full of simple pleasures.

I'm not afraid anymore.

Running for my life

I went for a jog this morning. Yes, an actual jog. My sister Serrin jogs every morning after she takes the kids to school. This is part of her own therapy. She has found that jogging helps her calm herself and helps her put things in perspective. I thought I'd give it a go this morning, using the technique Ses told me about - body straighter, small, low steps. It worked a treat and I was able to jog further than I have before without a break. Eventually I hope to work up to being able to jog the perimeter of the reserve without stopping. Not that I stopped today, but I did slow to a brisk walk twice.

As a result I'm on a bit of an aerobic high at the moment. The endorphins are surging and I have a wonderful sense of well being. It's the same feeling that used to follow after a good session at the gym. Who needs drugs when you can enjoy a feeling like this?

I realized how comfortable I am in my own skin when I feel like this. It's only when I am given the message that this is not ok, that this is strange and a source of amusement that I feel as though I hate this and wish it were different.

Do I wish it were different? Yes. I do. But I am also happy and content to be in this body too. I am strong. I am healthy. I love to nourish my body with good, wholesome food. I love to keep my body healthy, supple and strong with exercise. I love to nourish my spirit and soul by surrounding myself with people I love and who love me and enjoy laughter and stimulating conversation with them. I love my life. I need to remember not to look for what I think I want but to realize that I have everything I ever wanted right in this moment here.

I am more than blessed.

Can't Touch This!

M.C Hammer was onto a good thing when he brought to us the marvel of Hammer Pants. Well...that's what I'm calling them anyway. Some may call them harem pants. Whatever you call them, they are THE most comfortable pants I have ever worn. I bought some in the childrens section in Target yesterday for under $12. I picked up a Size 12, as this is usually what I take in kids jeans. Should have bought the 10's as the waist is a little loose. The thought that I can fit into a childrens size 10 is making my ano-brain very happy. Last time I bought a t-shirt from the kids section in Target I bought a 9 and it fits well. I usually buy 12's. I have decided that maybe Target's sizes are on the big side, but still, those smaller numbers make me happy.
I wonder if this way of thinking ever goes?
Despite all the messy bits around the peripherals of our lives at the moment, we seem to be finding many things to have good belly laughs over.....usually at my expense, because for some reason the filter between my brain and my mouth seems to have gone on hiatus lately.
Chloe calls them "Leisa moments".
This is yesterday's contribution:
I was picking Georgia up from school and had a couple of shopping bags in the car with me.
Leisa: "Georgia, look! I bought Hammer Pants!"
Georgia: "I hate Hammer Pants!"
Leisa: "Oh! I love them. You could drop a bog in them and no one would know."
Georgia: "MUM!" *starts laughing hysterically*
Leisa: "Oh. My. Gosh! I can't believe I said that!"
*cue hysterical, maniacal laughing all the way home*
We laughed so hard our eyes were running and our bellies were sore. I have no idea why I said it! I can't even imagine my own mother saying such stupid things when I was fifteen, but for some reason I do. Now I've only just got to mention my Hammer Pants and we all just lose the plot at home.
I really AM a lady you know. Truly. I am!

Whole

I'm realising that I am having quite intense inner reactions to some things...and they tend to pop out verbally from time to time. I think some of this may have to do with still living in limbo - waiting for The Man to move out so that I can just get on with things. He's looking for a place, but so far nothing has suited....
Anyway, I am kind of tired of dealing with people greeting me with, "Hi Leisa! How are you? And how's J?"

Now I know this is a normal greeting, but it's getting on my last nerve.
Today it really got to me. I went to church with CHW this morning. *sigh* Possibly not a clever thing to do in my current state of mind, but I'm still struggling with letting go of the mindset that I should turn up. I noticed a couple from the past were there again. I hadn't seen them for a very long time but I do remember that their marriage had been in the toilet because of the husband cheating on the wife.

What's with that guys? Why can't you all just keep it in your pants? Why marry someone if you're not willing to commit to her totally?

I'm off track....

Anyway, this couple walked out behind CHW and I as we were heading back to the car. As I was helping CHW in the back the man stopped and said hi and that it had been a long time. I said hello and agreed.

He then said, "And how's your better half?"

Something in my brain just clicked. I looked him in the eye and said, "He's not my better half."
He is not my better half.

He was never the other half of me.

I have always been, and will always be, whole on my own.

This is not my reality as yet. This is not something I have embraced and run with and held as my own, but I know and accept that it is the truth and one day I plan on knowing this truth in full and living it.

I want to get to the place where I am so completely content and happy being just me. I just want to be happy, surrounded by family and friends who love me and I them, contributing to the community in some way, exploring my own faith and spirituality.

I want to live my wholeness.

Simplifying with technology



Chloe and me.



Now there's an updated photo of yours truly for you. This is my second daughter - not my youngest as shown in my profile picture. This was taken last night, playing around with my new iPhone4 and the Instagram application. Now that I've enlarged it I can see how grainy it is! :(

Just after making the statement that I'd love to simplify my life I go and buy a lovely little piece of technology. Go figure. However I have justified it by saying that I kind of have simplified life a little. Instead of having a phone, an iPod and a camera in my handbag I now have all these things wrapped up in one small, flat piece of technology. If I wanted to simplify things even further I could download ebooks and have one less thing in my bag.

Noooooooo! I shudder at the thought! I love the feel and smell of a book in my hands. I love flicking through the pages. Books are like my old friends. Always have been. I've been despairing lately, seeing bookstores closing everywhere. Do people still read, or are they becoming e-bookers?

I do love my iPhone though. The 75 minute train journey home now simply flies by as I catch up on emails, read blogs, see what's happening on Facebook and play with some Angry Birds. 

What did I do without it?