Running for my life

I went for a jog this morning. Yes, an actual jog. My sister Serrin jogs every morning after she takes the kids to school. This is part of her own therapy. She has found that jogging helps her calm herself and helps her put things in perspective. I thought I'd give it a go this morning, using the technique Ses told me about - body straighter, small, low steps. It worked a treat and I was able to jog further than I have before without a break. Eventually I hope to work up to being able to jog the perimeter of the reserve without stopping. Not that I stopped today, but I did slow to a brisk walk twice.

As a result I'm on a bit of an aerobic high at the moment. The endorphins are surging and I have a wonderful sense of well being. It's the same feeling that used to follow after a good session at the gym. Who needs drugs when you can enjoy a feeling like this?

I realized how comfortable I am in my own skin when I feel like this. It's only when I am given the message that this is not ok, that this is strange and a source of amusement that I feel as though I hate this and wish it were different.

Do I wish it were different? Yes. I do. But I am also happy and content to be in this body too. I am strong. I am healthy. I love to nourish my body with good, wholesome food. I love to keep my body healthy, supple and strong with exercise. I love to nourish my spirit and soul by surrounding myself with people I love and who love me and enjoy laughter and stimulating conversation with them. I love my life. I need to remember not to look for what I think I want but to realize that I have everything I ever wanted right in this moment here.

I am more than blessed.

Can't Touch This!

M.C Hammer was onto a good thing when he brought to us the marvel of Hammer Pants. Well...that's what I'm calling them anyway. Some may call them harem pants. Whatever you call them, they are THE most comfortable pants I have ever worn. I bought some in the childrens section in Target yesterday for under $12. I picked up a Size 12, as this is usually what I take in kids jeans. Should have bought the 10's as the waist is a little loose. The thought that I can fit into a childrens size 10 is making my ano-brain very happy. Last time I bought a t-shirt from the kids section in Target I bought a 9 and it fits well. I usually buy 12's. I have decided that maybe Target's sizes are on the big side, but still, those smaller numbers make me happy.
I wonder if this way of thinking ever goes?
Despite all the messy bits around the peripherals of our lives at the moment, we seem to be finding many things to have good belly laughs over.....usually at my expense, because for some reason the filter between my brain and my mouth seems to have gone on hiatus lately.
Chloe calls them "Leisa moments".
This is yesterday's contribution:
I was picking Georgia up from school and had a couple of shopping bags in the car with me.
Leisa: "Georgia, look! I bought Hammer Pants!"
Georgia: "I hate Hammer Pants!"
Leisa: "Oh! I love them. You could drop a bog in them and no one would know."
Georgia: "MUM!" *starts laughing hysterically*
Leisa: "Oh. My. Gosh! I can't believe I said that!"
*cue hysterical, maniacal laughing all the way home*
We laughed so hard our eyes were running and our bellies were sore. I have no idea why I said it! I can't even imagine my own mother saying such stupid things when I was fifteen, but for some reason I do. Now I've only just got to mention my Hammer Pants and we all just lose the plot at home.
I really AM a lady you know. Truly. I am!

Whole

I'm realising that I am having quite intense inner reactions to some things...and they tend to pop out verbally from time to time. I think some of this may have to do with still living in limbo - waiting for The Man to move out so that I can just get on with things. He's looking for a place, but so far nothing has suited....
Anyway, I am kind of tired of dealing with people greeting me with, "Hi Leisa! How are you? And how's J?"

Now I know this is a normal greeting, but it's getting on my last nerve.
Today it really got to me. I went to church with CHW this morning. *sigh* Possibly not a clever thing to do in my current state of mind, but I'm still struggling with letting go of the mindset that I should turn up. I noticed a couple from the past were there again. I hadn't seen them for a very long time but I do remember that their marriage had been in the toilet because of the husband cheating on the wife.

What's with that guys? Why can't you all just keep it in your pants? Why marry someone if you're not willing to commit to her totally?

I'm off track....

Anyway, this couple walked out behind CHW and I as we were heading back to the car. As I was helping CHW in the back the man stopped and said hi and that it had been a long time. I said hello and agreed.

He then said, "And how's your better half?"

Something in my brain just clicked. I looked him in the eye and said, "He's not my better half."
He is not my better half.

He was never the other half of me.

I have always been, and will always be, whole on my own.

This is not my reality as yet. This is not something I have embraced and run with and held as my own, but I know and accept that it is the truth and one day I plan on knowing this truth in full and living it.

I want to get to the place where I am so completely content and happy being just me. I just want to be happy, surrounded by family and friends who love me and I them, contributing to the community in some way, exploring my own faith and spirituality.

I want to live my wholeness.

Simplifying with technology



Chloe and me.



Now there's an updated photo of yours truly for you. This is my second daughter - not my youngest as shown in my profile picture. This was taken last night, playing around with my new iPhone4 and the Instagram application. Now that I've enlarged it I can see how grainy it is! :(

Just after making the statement that I'd love to simplify my life I go and buy a lovely little piece of technology. Go figure. However I have justified it by saying that I kind of have simplified life a little. Instead of having a phone, an iPod and a camera in my handbag I now have all these things wrapped up in one small, flat piece of technology. If I wanted to simplify things even further I could download ebooks and have one less thing in my bag.

Noooooooo! I shudder at the thought! I love the feel and smell of a book in my hands. I love flicking through the pages. Books are like my old friends. Always have been. I've been despairing lately, seeing bookstores closing everywhere. Do people still read, or are they becoming e-bookers?

I do love my iPhone though. The 75 minute train journey home now simply flies by as I catch up on emails, read blogs, see what's happening on Facebook and play with some Angry Birds. 

What did I do without it? 

Starting early

You know that Wet July I was talking about? Well, I thought I'd get an early start on Saturday night. After a stressful, emotion-filled week, The Man and I decided to just say, "To hell with it all!" and treat ourselves to a bottle of wine - and we determined to finish the whole bottle in one sitting.

I'm a lightweight. I'm a "One Glass Screamer", so after two very large glasses - or was it three - I was pretty merry. Very merry. Happily merry. Who cared about the issues and the problems? Not me! It was just nice to not care at all for a while. Transformers was on the TV and I was having fun watching it. My happy demeanour didn't stop me from recognising the pitiful acting though. The best actor in that movie is Optimus Prime. I love Optimus Prime. I have vague recollections of declaring that I was going to buy myself a piece of machinery and call it Optimus Prime................

Good grief! I was gone!

Thankfully, after passing out, I woke up feeling pretty normal. No headache, no hangover, no regrets. I guess that's what happens when you get tanked in the safety of your own loungeroom.

Dear readers, I'm not a drinker. At all. Sometimes......very rarely......I just like to check out for a while. As my kid's doctor said to me once, "Leisa, one child with medical issues causes untold stress on a family and a relationship. You've got four. Somewhere down the line you've got to crack."

Therefore, on Saturday, I checked out so I wouldn't crack. I'm already doing the counselling, so it's not as though the checking out is my only option.

Oh yes, and the bottle? A lovely Wyndham Vale Cab Sav.

Silly me.

Mental Health Day

Of all the things that I have lost it's my mind I miss the most.

I am on an enforced Mental Health Day today. My 21 year old daughter called my boss last night and organised it for me. She said, "Mum's not coming in tomorrow. She needs some time." Then she called my friend Pam and asked her to come over sometime today to have a chat.

Bless her.

This is the reason I stay in the place I work. They understand mental health days.

I hate the lengths the kids and I will go to....or feel we have to go to....to stay sane.

Finding a direction

Blogging is a curious thing. It's totally different to keeping an online diary. I find myself constantly searching for a direction in which to head - an underlying theme that I should stick to somehow...but this one is still a hotch-potch of whatever might be on my mind at any particular moment. I seem to be having a bit more success with my other blog over elsewhere. Six entries in and it seems to be shaping into a "My experiences of life with *insert genetic condition here*" blog. I don't know how that happened...but it's happening and I think I like it. I've even got a photo giving evidence of the said genetic condition. Go figure....Now all I have to do is keep writing along that theme and include anecdotes of daily life, incidents, accidents and dragged up memories of living and coping through the young years.

Maybe this blog is just the underlying blueprint for that blog whilst I sort myself out.