Stumbling

Neglected little blogspot this is.

Stumbling about in the dark is never fun. Stumbling about in an uncharted dark place is even less fun. As of today I have turned back towards the light of a place I don't particularly want to be in but there seems to be no alternative. The small sanctuary I found actually belongs to someone else and I can't stay there. I wish I could...even though it was unfamiliar and strange and I wasn't sure of the boundaries...but it was a place to escape to and explore this new, dark, uncharted terrain and start drawing up my own maps.

The Lioness

When does the lioness instinct of a mother fade away?

Sometimes I wish it would.

When does the urge to protect them from physical, emotional and mental harm become less and you just let them fight their own battles, self soothe and move on?

Things happen to my kids....some small things that I can talk them through, let them work it out and move on. Then there are the bigger things that wake the lioness in me and I just want to roar and hit out and go into the battleground and fight for them, protect them, keep them safe from harm and damage.

I also recognise with these bigger things that happen there is an element that awakens my own pain...things that have happened to me where I never took the opportunity to fight back....or where no one stood in the gap for me and fought for my cause - where someone who was supposed to be a friend stood there and laughed along with the bullies, or a parent didn't step in and bring a situation up with teachers.

I at least want my children to know that their pain mattered to their mother.

But sometimes, in the midst of their pain, they say to me, "Let me handle this Mum." and I have to back off and let them work out their own solution. It doesn't stop the lioness roaring from the sidelines, wanting to leap in and rip and kill and maim with cutting words.

She hurts today.

I hurt for her today.

Who was it?

Today is our 23rd wedding anniversary. We decided that our weekend away last week was our gift to each other so today has been pretty low key. Actually we attended a rally in the city called Access For Everybody, which was basically a peaceful rally that demonstrated the need for an injection of funds by the Minister for the Arts into the artistic sector for people with disabilities. There were a number of performers and speakers, including the Hon Peter Batchelor and the Bipolar Bears. It was a great turn out. Here's hoping Mr Batchelor commits to some serious money!

Anyone here in Melbourne should go and check them out at a venue near you!

Soooooo.....this isn't really what this blog is about.

I've been thinking a lot about something my friend Carly put in an email following she and her husbands experiences of being pregnant with a baby with a lethal genetic condition and their decision not to continue with the pregnancy. It was a really eloquent email, even though it was raw and heartfelt. I am honored to be one of the people she chose to share their experience with, even though it brought me pain, confusion and questions.

One of the things she and her husband have been dreading are the platitudes people tend to offer after such a sad event. Carly was saying that she doesn't want to hear, "It was God's will." In her email she simply said, "It wasn't God's will. It was genetics." Once upon a time I would have dared to disagree in my ignorance. Surely God would have had some will in there somewhere.

However, over the passage of time, God and I have come to some kind of understanding. Yes, I do believe in Him. I was raised in a Christian home so I was raised to believe. Over the years though, my understanding has changed a lot. A lot!  He is not who I was led to believe He is. He is not what I thought He was.

I think I was led to believe that he was the Great Sugar Daddy in the Sky. That's how I saw Him anyway. Need something, pray for it. Follow His Laws and things will go well for you. Believe and it will all be not only pie in the sky when you die but steak on your plate while you wait. (yes, I actually heard that from the pulpit once.)

But it's not like that. Not by a long shot.

I've come to believe that God Himself set in place the Laws of the Universe. He wrote them...and even though He wrote them and has the power to change them, He won't. He won't violate his own laws. So, I agree with Carly. It wasn't God, it was genetics. He just let natural law play out.

No, sometimes we don't like it. Sometimes the consequences of the natural outworking of these natural laws bring about pain and intense suffering...but it's the way of life and the way things happen. Too quickly we look for Someone or Something to blame. I know I did. I demanded to know why The Great Sugar Daddy didn't make it all good because I prayed.

But He's not the Great Sugar Daddy. If he was, we'd all just be these spoiled, inconsiderate, ignorant creatures pawing and mewling for everything we can get. We wouldn't learn from pain and struggle because they wouldn't exist. God Himself would be violating his own laws by running around making sure that all these little creatures He created were happy and healthy, pain free and getting everything we ever asked for. We'd learn nothing. We'd never grow and develop beyond infantile thinking.

I used to see God as The Great Sugar Daddy.He was supposed to fix everything. He was supposed to give my husband a job, give me healthy children, keep us financially stable, bless my family, my life and keep everyone safe. All I had to do was ask for it and believe for it. (as well as being faithful to Him and be a faithful, loving wife and mother.) But that didn't happen. None of it.. I didn't ask for much in the grand scheme of things, but none of it happened.

And I pouted and raged and threw tantrums.

I blamed God.

But it wasn't God.....not really.

It wasn't God, it was mental illness.
It wasn't God, genetics simply played out.
It wasn't God, but the consequence of unwise financial decisions.
It wasn't God but a combination of sexual addiction and mental illness.

Coming to this realisation and acceptance has been freeing. I've stopped looking for Someone to blame. I've stopped looking for the Great Sugar Daddy. I don't know how I view God. Sometimes I even question my belief in Him...but that's ok too. He's big enough to handle my doubt. Something keeps bringing me back to having a core faith. I'm yet to know the perametres of that faith, but I'm up for exploring. I realise that there's no one singular right way. I think there are elements of truth in all things. I'm more open to listening and am slow to judge. I don't pretend to know the "right" way. I refuse to accept everything I hear from the pulpit as pure gospel truth. I test it, weigh it, measure it. If it doesn't sit right, I shelve it.

No longer am I being told what to think. Instead, I am learning how to think. There's a big difference.

I like this place. It feels free.

Peace

Life has been somewhat peaceful of late. I think I've just had some internal resolutions happen for a while now. Things seem to be slowing down. I am taking the time to just observe life happening, listen to what's happening in my body and spirit, appreciate all the good things that I have.

And there are a lot of good things. I think the thing I have battled with the most is self doubt. It's starting to leave me now.


Funny thing now is that the diary space I created a while back now doesn't hold as much appeal to me anymore. I post a lot of pictures and some quick thoughts sometimes...or some daily happenings but nothing like I used to. 

I am ok with that too. James said that I tended to use that space as a bit of therapy, a place to offload and vent. I don't seem to need to do that anymore. I like that.


James and I went away for the weekend as we planned. It was everything we could have possibly hoped for but then again I think we both went away with a positive and hopeful attitude and an intention to really connect. The weather was simply beautiful and we took every opportunity to get out in the warm sunshine and fresh air and just brush away the cobwebs of the city.


Honestly, it wouldn't have taken much for me to agree to staying of someone would have said, "Here! Live here. Work here. Enjoy the rest of your life here." I would have stayed. If they offered me the job as the local street sweeper I think I would have stayed. 


The conversations we had were wonderful and productive...I mean really productive. I think we needed to just put down our defences and really listen. I certainly felt heard and I hope James did too. 


I think maybe we need to take a little bit of the country back to suburbia with us. Is that possible? To create in our own back yard the feeling of beauty and space, the feeling that the world can be going along at it's breakneck pace beyond our fence, but in our yard and in our home is a sense of beauty and calm; a place where you can just relax and be.

 

These are the villas where we stayed.

 

The waterfall close by.

Walking along the track near the falls

Trip down the highway to yesteryear

Here are some shots from my road trip last week.

 

Rolling green hills on a warm spring day.

 

My first stop - Tooradin Foreshore. The tide was out.

 

 Koo Wee Rup

 

Looking down the Main Street of Coal Creek

 

Barber Shop

 

Looks like Sweeney Todd's been at it again.

 

The departed souls of the condemned in the Court House.

 

Interior of the Court House.

 

Judges records.

 

There's something about this that reminds me of films I've seen about the deep south.

 

Looks like a ghost town.

 

I'm loving this little wattle and daub cottage.

 

Although it needs some interior work!

 

Handwriting on the blackboard at the school.

 

School days!

 

Cottage garden

 

There's just something I love about wisteria. It reminds me of home.

 

The house of the wealthy.

 

Old fashioned bedroom.

Inside the barber shop.

Don't Fence Me In

Today I got out of the hustle and bustle of suburbia. I drove down the highway to where the rolling hills were vivid green, the air smelled sweet and there were no sounds apart from the wind in the trees and the birds chirping. 

Back to where I first started. Well....almost. 

I wanted to go back to my birthplace, but because of time restraints and the fact that I had inadvertently left my lifeline at home (AKA my cell phone...in case of emergencies) I decided to stop about an 90 minutes from home at a place called Coal Creek. Coal Creek is one of those restored coal mining towns, full of nostalgia of when this country was first settled by Europeans. 

I needed to get out. I needed to just centre myself again and not worry about anyone or anything other than myself. I took my time. I just wandered and took photographs and thought...actually, I don't really think I thought. I emptied my mind of everything except for what I was doing at that time and composing a good shot. 

It was so relaxing. 

If I had've had my cell phone on me I think I may have just kept driving. I don't think I would have come back home today. I think I would've gone back to my birthplace and booked a room at the local motel. It would've been nice just to be me for a little bit longer. 

I tend to lose myself in the shadow of him.

Because the world is listening.

"You're good with them."

This is what a person said to me in a queue today. She was behind me, watching and listening as I interacted with some little children who were ahead of me in the queue. They were there with their mother. The children, a boy and a girl were aged three and five respectively. I know because I asked. 

"You're good with them."


There's a reason for that I guess. Children are naturally curious...and children of the age of three and five have not yet developed that filter between what their minds are thinking and what comes out of their mouths. In other words, they are brutally honest. Adults would call them rude...and I watch their parents simply want to sink into a deep hole when they are brutally honest when I am around. 

So, I choose to take that brutal honesty and turn it into something that's going to benefit them, their parents and me...

And the rest of the curious onlookers within earshot...because they do listen you know. I have a captive audience.


Anyway, these two children were pretty gosh darn cute. I rocked up to the queue at the registers and they were there. They were chatting to each other, chatting to their Mum...saw me and decided to show me the owl soft toys they were holding and talk to me. I asked them if they were the owls from Legend of the Guardians...then we talked about movies they'd seen...and then the statement finally came...


Because it always comes as a statement...a statement of an obvious fact.


"You're little!"


Yes, I know. 


"Why?"


I don't know. My bones grew really, really, really slowly and I only got to be this big. Your bones grow fast so one day you will be bigger than me.


"Like my Mum."


That's right.


"Maybe one day your bones will grow again and you will be big."


Maybe.


"Do you like Lightning McQueen?"


And that's the way it can go. They get over it quick. I've told them what they need to know and they're satisfied. They don't want to be told to shush, or not to be rude. They're curious, just like little kids are meant to be. 


They will remember that they met me today...their mother will remember as well...and the thing I want them to remember the most is that not only was I little, but I was nice to them, I talked to them, I was friendly to them.


And not only that, but the other six to ten people waiting in the queue also heard everything and saw that I am friendly and that it is ok to ask questions. It's how you find stuff out. It's how ignorance and fear is snuffed out.


So of course I am good with them. The alternative wouldn't help anyone...especially me.