31 Days - the hardest thing I have ever been through

Throughout the month of May I will be taking on the 31 Days of Confessions Challenge. I will be blogging every day about a different subject or question. You'll possibly get to know a lot about me!

Enjoy!

Given the events of Saturday this one has been hard to write. Both this event and the brutal attack on my dog Maya on Saturday have been the most traumatic events I've ever been through; both in different ways.

I don't want to do this one.

I'm not going to write the details of that day. If I think about it too much I can feel the icyness of the wind, the frustration, the fear, my pounding heart and absolute sheer white terror.

Terror to me is white. The most pure white you can imagine. I don't know why I think that. It just feels like pure white - blinding, harsh, excruciating.

That day feels as though I went to the edge of hell. Days and weeks and months afterwards I would describe it as being slapped in the face by God. You know when you see someone slapped in the face by a loved one and there's this shocked, frozen look on their face as they hold their stinging cheek?

That's how I felt.

It was a post - surgery complication that happened to one of my children. Possibly about the worst. It happened at home, over a period of several days. I had no idea things were so bad, but I knew things weren't right. I didn't know how bad she was until we presented at Emergency and things moved both frighteningly fast and excruciatingly slow all at once.

I wasn't able to do anything. I didn't know what was going on. I could only watch...until I couldn't...and I did the one thing I swore I'd never do...I ran out.

I ran back in of course. "How is this kid still breathing?" I heard, as an incredulous doctor looked at her chest X ray.  I saw them all working diligently. I held her hand, encouraged, pleaded.

We went to the very edge together...teetered...and came back. I'll never forget the warmth of her when it was all over; the beauty of her face, the smile.

I would go through each one of my four c-sections wide awake without anesthetic before living that day again.

And I would walk through hell every day just for that smile.