The road to the mirror

What a journey this past 15 months has been. Realisations and reflections and facing up to some things with the benefit of having the space to do it has ensured that I am in a much better place than I've ever been in my entire adult life.

I feel free in more than one aspect. The biggest thing has been freedom from the religious ideals and ways of thinking that, in my ignorance, I thought were SO RIGHT. Not just so right, but the ultimate and only truth. I'm still not entirely sure of what I actually do believe, but in my own heart and spirit and mind I feel that there is a Creator God. Of that I feel certain. There is just too much order and symmetry and design in everything for me to think that it all "just happened". So, for me, that's part of my truth at least.

I've come to think that now I've left the hierarchical and organised place I called church that I have been a judgemental person, simply because life was divided into what was right and what was wrong - people who were right behaved like "this" and people who were wrong behaved like "that". I judged myself according to those standards. I harshly judged others according to the same standards and in the end there were no winners because none of us are anywhere near capable of living up to them.

I harshly judged my husband daily. Out of my own insecurities I expected him to never forget his shortcomings. If I was motivated by love, then I should have just let him walk his own path and concentrated on my own healing journey. I needed to be the change I wanted to see in my world.

I now understand what people meant when they said they felt judged by me. I did, and harshly. This wiser head would let them be. This wiser me would just love them but continue on my own life path towards my own healing. Having my eldest daughter live away from home these past two years has also helped me realise this. There have been many things she has gotten into and done that worried my mother-heart and I had to fight my own inclination to come down heavy and read the moral riot act and to rescue her from a few less than safe situations.However, I know that if I did she possibly wouldn't have figured out her own life path. It took HER wanting to take control of her own life to stimulate her into instigating change.

In this journey to the mirror I have seen my own ugliness reflecting back. I didn't like what I saw, so it was up to me to do something about it. I began to see that other people in my world were also mirrors. Traits that I found annoying or undesirable or just plain ugly in others would make me think and reflect about myself. I began to see that I was seeing my own tendencies reflected back. I began to work on changing them in myself and let people be who they were, with no judgement. I began to respond to people in a more positive manner, rather than with suspicion. Since then I have been blessed with how responsive and friendly people are in my daily encounters. Smiles from strangers, a cheery, "Good morning!" when on a walk or a jog, people simply just passing on useful information when we are out having fun as a family, the kids at G's school being friendly and courteous. What's changed? My outlook on the world!

There will be other mirrors along this path. Right now I'm liking what I'm seeing in this one. There will be times where I won't, in which case I will reflect and continue on my own journey towards change. Life is good and green and challenging and exciting; filled with possibility and hope.