In the woods.

With the events of the past week and my reactions to them I've realized that although I'm in a good space at the moment I'm not entirely out of the woods yet.

Fragile stability I guess you'd call it.

The desire to isolate has been strong this week. I realize it is a reaction to perceived angst, criticism and disappointment. I've become unsure, hyper-sensitive and slightly anxious. Again, I realize that some of this is also hormonal which is why I've also committed to giving it some time to balance out before I start looking at seeking help.

I don't want to see my family most of all, because they are the ones I want to please the most...and somehow I feel as though I am failing them or letting them down or disappointing them, which heightens my anxiety.

And that mirrors my relationship with J. I wanted to please him more than anyone. HIS acceptance of me was of critical importance and if I felt I didn't have it the anxiety would soar and I'd feel as though I had to find the ONE THING that would secure that for me. But now he's not here anymore and I've found that that insane need has transferred to my birth family. I don't feel it with my kids. At all. Being my nutty self with them is easy. They accept it and I feel their love easily reciprocated.

So the intense desire to escape is what I feel right now. Where I don't have to perform and prove and seek...or even make decisions that may affect others, although as a mother I know that they do. Even if I act on the need to escape and G and I take off for a while and take a year off & she does some natural learning, exploring, self research and enquiry, this will have an impact on her, whether it be now or somewhere down the track....

Not out of the woods yet, but at the same time I recognize that this is all part of the journey. I'm still discovering things and with each discovery comes an opportunity to face the issue and learn how to deal with it. It's all part of moving forward. It's not a step back.