I'm nowhere near ok at the moment. Not even within cooee of it. Maybe I'm putting on an ok face at the moment, maybe I'm not. I look in the mirror and see this skinny little sad eyed person who looks eons older than she should be. I can tell I'm not ok. Can anyone else? Does anyone know how often I look into the streaming traffic and wonder how quickly it would be over if I just walked into it?
I'm walking around as half a person. That's what it feels like. The other half of who I was has walked off and just despises me for breathing I think. Do you know what that feels like - to have the person you used to love more than life despise you like that?
I know there are billions of people who are infinitely worse off than me, but I feel bereft right now, loveless, terrified, discombobulated, strange.
Hi Leisa
ReplyDeleteI don't comment on blogs much (mainly because by the time I am reading the blogs I love, I am so tired after a busy day) but I had to comment today. I hate how you're feeling so low and wish I had the answer. I assume it's your ex making you feel so low. If so, that's really sad. You're the mother of his children and he should always treat you kindly and with respect. I truly hope you find happiness soon. You seem like such a beautiful person and a wonderful mum, hang in there.
I wish you could not let him control you like this.
ReplyDeleteHe seems to control your moods, your life and your self esteem.
Please don't give him all this power.
I hope you can find peace Leisa, real peace.
You so deserve it. You are an awesome beautiful woman with many talents!
I wish I had words that would fix how you feel but I don't. I can sympathize with you though. I don't tell alot of people this but I have been very low at one point in my life too. Just know that at the end of the day your still a mother to your children who need you no matter how young or old they are, so perhaps try to keep focused on the good things in your life. I know it's easier said than done. But if you think about what's most important to you and know that you must be there for them or what ever it may be, then tomorrow you get a new day. That's what helped me. I hoped it will help you too. Last but more important than everything I said above is, talk to God. He will listen and help if you let him.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea how it must feel to be going through what you are, but I have had some pretty low points in my life too - the kind where you wonder how quickly things could be ended. It is so cliche but you just have to keep on going. You will not always feel so strange and sad and terrified. You WILL reach a new kind of normal place, and you will find peace, even if not with the person you speak of, or the situation, you will be ok. You are so, so strong to have gotten through this far, you can keep on going. I hope so much you start to feel ok and then better soon, it must be so hard dealing with someone who makes you feel like that. It would be great to see you when Sarah is down next, I miss seeing her regularly heaps, I can only imagine how much you miss her!! Great big hugs to you, and thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my blog
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