More than running

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This would be my ideal run. I wish....



This morning I ran my entire running circuit for the first time. Usually I schedule a couple of small breaks, and I look forward to them so much. My goal though, has been to get to a point where I run the entire circuit, no stopping.

Today I did that.

I hit the wall early in my run. I always have. The wall hits around about 200m into the run. My breathing seems erratic and I'm sucking in oxygen for all it's worth. My legs tell me that they don't want to do it. My mind says, "Oh God! Today I can't do this!" and then I argue with myself, "Yes you can! It's just the wall. You know the wall! Keep going!"

Today I hit the wall and I had all the same thoughts....and then my mind drifted off and I started thinking about mundane tasks...like making a battery cover for my daughters wheelchair....organising transport to the airport....the Opening Night I am attending tonight....and I forgot about the pain and the discomfort....and I got to my first walking break point and I thought, "Hey! I'm feeling good. I'm going to keep going!"

So I did....and my mind kept wandering and meandering around all the things happening in my life lately...and I was distracted from the protests of my body....and I continued to feel good. My breathing was controlled and regular, my form was good. And I kept going...and going...until I got home.

My running is more than just running. It is my grounder, my sanity saver, my anchor. It helps me put things into perspective. It clears my mind. It soothes raw emotions. It makes me feel strong, alive.....and most of all, in CONTROL. When all else seems to be going haywire, this is the one thing that enables me to see that I have a measure of control over myself and what happens to me.

I don't know why I have let others have control. I don't know when I learned that behaviour. I guess it comes with being the eldest of seven, the one who was supposed to get it right, be responsible, show the way, be good, be an example. People mattered to me. People's emotions mattered to me. Being "good" mattered to me. Being liked mattered to me....and it still does. I know I have no control over that...but sometimes it feels like I should...and that if someone doesn't like me that it is somehow my fault...that I have done something wrong...that I am bad. When did that happen? How did I get that message?

But running gives me reprieve from that...and I start to feel strong again, and good again...and right again. It's like I've conquered something more than the distance and more than my body. It's like I've started to stand up and challenge those strange and false beliefs.