Softly, softly

Image credit

Quietly, quietly.

It's a fragile day today. I don't do confrontation well. Actually I don't do it at all.....but I was confronted big time over Facebook last night. I'm not going into it....but how did 45 year old me handle it? Me, the person who is old enough to be that person's mother lay down and just let that person run rough shod all over me. I backed right down, apologised profusely and apportioned all the blame to me. Just to make the person stop. Just to make the person calm down. Just so that that person could be the good one and me the bad and they'd calm down and leave me alone.

So much for being a grey-dweller. I still want there to be black and white, right and wrong, good and evil.
All this played out as I was taking the train home. I was teary on the train but when I got home I just sobbed and sobbed. Couldn't do anything. Couldn't make dinner, couldn't get off the couch. Fell asleep watching Super 8, on the couch. Again. This morning I got up, had a shower and left for work. No breakfast. I've eaten a banana and an apple today...and had a latte. I didn't go out for my lunch time walk. Being glued to this seat in my office is...safe.

I can't believe the impact this has had on me. It shouldn't, I know...but it has...and I feel like half a person today. Wrong just seems to ooze out of my pores...all from a non-rational decision I made last week. I don't know why I did what I did....and it really wasn't a huge thing...but in the age of social media and the importance we all place on it, it apparently IS a big thing...and now the price is being paid.

I think I actually hate communicating over the internet...It makes people way too bold, takes away their inhibitions, makes them forget the importance of being gracious and polite. People just say things they may not say if they were face to face - because they're not face-to-face and they don't see first hand the impact their words are having. They can just type them and then click SEND and close their browser....not knowing or caring that when those words hit they may just put a fragile someone over the edge...

And despite all my positivity lately, despite the inroads I'm making into my own healing, despite the progress I'm making, I'm still incredibly fragile........and it wasn't until the events of yesterday evening that I discovered that.