Mask

Last night's painting exercise at Art & Soul was on the subject of Emotions. We talked about emotions, what they're for, the ability to identify and name how you're feeling, your EQ versus your IQ.

I find it hard identifying emotions. I learned very young how to repress them, to categorize them into "good" and "bad", "right" and "wrong". In my adult life I've hidden them, denied them, reigned them in to keep the peace, hidden how I really feel.

To the point where I have lost the ability to know what I'm feeling and feel what I'm feeling.

But with this exercise I found myself going inside myself. I painted in silence. I painted deliberately, carefully...and the paint seemed to just flow to express the two extremes.

But I feel as though I live somewhere in the in-between - where I know that this rage rages and this deep depression weeps but the SSRI's from the Lexapro just keeps me in this balanced state; feeling a sense of calm relief. The in-between's really not so bad when I think of the alternative...and I'm still in touch with what's underneath to be able to produce good art.

But since producing the mask I have kept looking at it...and I look at it in silence, almost reverently. It disturbs me somewhat - not in a bad way, but where I know that these two extremes do have a voice that deserve to be heard.

And I think with my art, I am learning how to give expression to those voices.