Pathways

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I've decided I'm going to head into Federation Square on Sunday and check out the Multicultural Festival which is also celebrating Buddah's Day.

Once upon a time, back in the day of fear and deep, dark judgement, there would have been no way on God's green earth you would have seen me within cooee of anything that suggested anything to do with Buddah.

My how times have changed - and may I say, for the better. I feel free.

Over the past 15 years or so there has been a gradual stripping away of all things I used to hold to, believe in. These things made my world"safe". They were ideas about what was "right" and what was "wrong, rules about how my world was supposed to function, beliefs about foundations I thought were true and safe. 

But they weren't. My world began to rock. My foundations started to crumble. Things and people and ideas and institutions I'd had faith in began to be stripped away, leaving me feeling so very, very vulnerable, confused, unsafe and even angry.

I'd internally rant and rave. I'd howl at God or the universe, "But it's not supposed to be this way! You said if I did it *this* way all would be well! I believed I the sanctity of "this", the importance of "that"! I had faith in what I was told I was supposed to have faith in, and now they're all letting me down! Some are even turning on me! Life is not supposed to be this way!!!"

But the stripping continued; and the hurt got bigger and I felt I was left with nothing in the end.

And therein lay the secret.

When you've been emptied out then you're ready to be filled.

The slow erosion of all my securities to the point of there being nothing left gave me time to really look at and examine what was left. And what was left was me.

In this new and "unsafe" world I learned how to walk for myself. I learned how to trust myself. I'd examine things like faith and spirituality, turning them over and over in my hands and pondering as to why I thought and believed the way I did. Was it all REALLY what I believed or was I just following what I'd been told was right and I was too afraid to question it?

I discovered that my faith was actually based on fear - fear that if I didn't adhere to its dogma, it's rules, it's formula, then my soul would be forfeit and I'd be doomed to hell. Because that way was the only way and the only truth.

But I thought perfect love wasn't about fear? That's what I'd been told. That's what I read. That's what I believed. And that's what I still believe.

So...I stopped. I stopped doing what the rules said I was supposed to do. And the stripping continued...but somehow I've been okay with that. I'm no longer afraid of it. In fact, I welcome it. It's all part of my journey towards freedom and, dare I say it, embracing that which is Perfect Love.

I've never felt so free. I've never felt so in touch with the presence of the One that surrounds me with His love every single second of every single day. This doesn't need a formula. This doesn't need four praise songs followed by two worship songs, followed by prayer & prophesy, followed by "anointed announcements", tithes and offerings, the message and then a prayer line. This doesn't need Home Group and doing "this" Foundation  Beliefs course and Boundaries course and Self Esteem workshops and Ladies Felliowship and being busy busy busy all the livelong day to fulfill the requirements of what a "good" person looks like.

This is quiet and calm and gentle. This means stopping and listening to the heartbeat of the connections that make up the whole universe. This means taking the time to just be with my loved ones, give $1 to that man in the street who asked for it. This means listening to my body and loving it for the temple it is; tapping into the uniqueness that is me and sharing it with the world. This means acceptance and love towards anyone I encounter - not seeking to make them conform to what I think is right, but letting them be just as they are and learning something from them; gleaning a nugget of truth from their truth.

This means embracing new ways of thinking and doing things; finding God's presence in different ways. Doing different things and feeling assured that I am loved so perfectly and that His grace covers all things. Seeking to get to know Him and please His heart, knowing and accepting that He rewards those who diligently seek Him but that seeking Him takes on an infinite number of forms, not just one.

Because I believe that now. I really, really do.

There are still a few things that remain and that I am turning over and over in my hand, examining them in my hand. There is still a reluctance to let them go as they are the absolute cornerstone of faith as I knew it. This is the ONE THING that was the key to everything. Yet, I am examining it. It scares me, the thought of dropping that particular rock in the sand. 

And yet, I feel that too, must be challenged, because I want to have faith in it because I am assured of its truth and place in my life - not out of fear that if I let it go I will be doomed for sure.

So, I continue this journey along my own path that's set before me. It's a new path. One I am keen to explore. I daily open my heart and my mind to new experiences and people and places. Buddah's Day will be one of them. I go, not because I want to cleave to a new belief system, but because I want to dip into a pool that is new to me. I want to experience a new culture and perhaps see God's hand working there too.