Listening

When my Nanna died a few years ago I did everything I could to hold back the silence that was left after her passing. I'd never experienced that silence before and I was afraid if it. When I was alone with nothing but my thoughts I had to fill the silence with something, so my iPod was always on with my earphones in and I listened to music Nanna would never have listened to. I filled the silence not just with music, but noisy music - thunderous, monstrous drumming, driving guitar rifts, loud, loud singing. There was lots of Kiss, mixed with a sprinkling of Anberlin, a dash of U2 and some Guns & Roses. Anything quieter than that and the silence started to creep in and I began to feel afraid.

I don't know why. I had kind of been expecting that Nan would be leaving...but when it happened nothing prepared me for the shock...and I realised I wasn't really ready. I was always thinking there'd be one more day, one more visit, one more thing I could tell her. I remember one particular time going to see her simply because I felt my life was a mess and I needed the stability of seeing someone who'd been a constant all my life. I stayed 5 minutes because she had deteriorated so much that she was a mere shadow of the formidable force she'd been throughout her life. I could no longer hide in her arms. I had to be an adult and face it on my own because she was no longer there to encourage with scripture and the reassurance of a God who loved me regardless. It was now up to me to journey that path on my own...and I didn't know how.

She had gone a long time before she actually left, but her leaving brought about the silence I filled with noise.

Slowly, over the last four years I have turned down the noise until I have reached the point where I am unafraid of the silence. There is much to listen to in the silence. I have heard the beat of my own heart, assuring me that my path is before me. It's my own path, not my Nanna's path. It's a different path, and yet somehow I feel she would be okay about me travelling this one. She became a little less...dogmatic...in her later years.

I listen to my own body and instinctually seem to know what it needs.I have to admit to being too busy over the last six weeks and I haven't been listening as closely as I should have. The "must dos" and the "have to's" have taken precedence over taking care of myself in the way I know I should. I am tired and find I don't have passions for those things that mean the most to me. I need to start making time for me - to rest, to relax, to listen closely and reconnect with Spirit. I need to turn off the noise of the iPod, the television and the Internet and listen, really listen...and be unafraid of the silence once again.

For there's nothing to be afraid of with silence. There's so much to listen to and learn from within the silence.

I look forward to making space for it in my life once again.