Old habits

Old habits. They're hard to break, no? Especially when they're the ones that are deeply ingrained to the point where they're a part of you; a part of your belief system, your psyche, the way you do life.

My ingrained habit/attitude is to just keep on going no matter what. I have high expectations of myself when it comes to staying committed to something, being there when I'm supposed to be, carrying on in spite of how I feel to the point where I become totally exhausted and feel overwhelmed with what seems like a mountain of responsibility, chores to get to, commitments to honour, appointments to keep. Scheduled "fun" things no longer seem "fun" things. They're just another appointment on the calendar and another thing to cross of the To Do List.

Which sounds really awful when I think about it....

I know where this comes from. And it's not necessarily a bad thing. I remember as a child going to school even though I had raging ear infections - that constant ear-ache that was covered up with drops and cotton wool stuffing. I remember going to school in spite of legs that were aching so much I wanted to sit down and cry. I remember being there with headaches so bad it felt like a constant jack hammer in my head, with a head and chest so stuffed up with a cold I could barely breathe, with period cramps so bad they really deserved a hot water bottle and curling up on the couch with a cup of tea and a good dose of midday television.

Your body wasn't an excuse. If you could manage to get there and see it through then you were going.

That attitude has continued throughout my adult life too. I'm hard on myself. Pop a Panadol and keep on going. Get up, exercise, go to work, come home and get straight into making dinner, doing laundry, feeding animals. Go to Auslan class, the chiropractor. Take this one to that appointment. Meet with that teacher. Fill out those forms. Book that catch up. Attend that fundraiser. Go to work. 

On and on it goes...and the fun ceases to be fun. You know it's not fun anymore when you book a date to go and see a movie you really want to see and you fall asleep fifteen minutes into it - despite the volume of the car smashes and the bullets and the explosions.

And one day you drag yourself into work thinking, "just two more days till the weekend!" and everyone who greets you that day tells you how washed out and tired you look. Your chiropractor despairs at the way your spine is twisted with the tension and she tells you that you just have to take time out just for you; to listen to your body...which is something you started to do but somehow the noise of the every day and the urgent seemed to crowd out that little voice.

So...the next day, faced with another busy weekend ahead, you decide to do just that. You listen...and that little body, which woke 90 minutes after your usual time...says, "Not today." You text your manager and let her know you're not coming in...feeling terribly, horribly guilty as you do so. 

And the thought of spending 24 hours at home fills you with peace. You take things slowly. Thoughts of getting out your sewing machine fills your head and you're actually excited by the prospect. Even the thought of getting the bathroom sparkling clean again is exciting. 

Time to once again shut out the noise and concentrate on what really matters. Time to start creating some new, healthy habits. Time to start putting myself first for a change.