Parental decisions

I've had to make decisions as a parent that no parent wants to make.

I've had to listen to doctors as they explain why they believe a particular surgery is necessary and then make the heart-wrenching decision to allow them to go ahead. I've never wanted to make those decisions. Not one of them was easy, even when the potential consequences of saying no and doing nothing were quite severe. At the back of my mind there was always this quiet voice of doubt that said, "But that is only potentially what will happen if you do nothing. It may not happen."

But you gamble with the odds and you do what you're told. You trade one set of problems for another and hope that the problems you're accepting are going to be ones your child can live with. For the rest of their life.

A little over 20 years ago I made a decision for my son. He was only 11 months old at the time. He was a bright, bubbly, alert little baby boy. No one would have ever suspected anything was wrong and, looking back on the whole situation now, there was nothing wrong apart from a head that was a little too large. Still, that shouldn't have been the indication that anything needed to be done. However, the surgeon recommended that something should be done based on what he could see physically. I was a young mother. I thought the surgeon knew better than I did. I went with his decision. I handed my baby over for the surgery. Reluctantly. Very reluctantly.

They got it wrong. We got it wrong. He should have been left alone. The first rule of medicine is "Do no harm". They thought they were helping. I thought it was necessary. We were wrong.

This decision can never be undone, no matter how much I wish I could turn back time and make a different choice. However, none of us can dare go to the place of, "If only". It's done and we live with the outcome of that decision every day. We love the young man we have today, not the one who may have come out of, "If only". That one doesn't exist. We have this one and he is wonderful.

Yesterday I realised that the people we entrust with our children's medical care are capable of terrible mistakes...and I'm sure they are sorry. Yesterday I realised that they still did things blindly. Yesterday I felt that, despite the care the professionals extend us, they are still learning....and we are their guinea pigs, no matter how much we pretend it doesn't happen.

Yesterday I wished that the Leisa of 2012 could go back and speak to the Leisa of 1992 and tell her to trust her instincts, trust herself and be bold enough to say no....because it would have made all the difference.