2011 wrap up

Hi bloggers.

Life at another level has been on hiatus over the Christmas season, for the simple reason that I haven't had access to a computer and writing a post on the iPhone proves to be a bit of a pain. The last thing I wrote (which I've since edited) ended up publishing the photo and nothing else so I decided not to do it again. That's not to say that I don't get in here and read. I do. It's a lot easier.

Christmas was interesting. I'll give it that. It was a day of doggedly accepting things that I couldn't change and choosing a good attitude about it. It started with us all getting up early and opening gifts together, which was lovely. Then the kids went off with their Dad over to the other side of the city to have Christmas lunch with his family. I was here on my own, dancing around to 80's music, eating fruit and toast for lunch, cleaning the house and preparing food for the dinner with my side of the family at 5pm. Like I said, I chose to be happy despite the strangeness of it all. I mean, what would have been the point of being all morose about it? It didn't feel like Christmas so I kind of treated it as just another day until the kids got home.

Christmas for me started when the kids got home and we all headed off to my sisters and partook of a delicious feast with ALL of my brothers, sisters, their partners and kids. We haven't had that for a very long time and normally I would be over the moon, excited about the fact that we were finally all together if it wasn't for my brother's wife and his two daughters aged 16 and 14. Honestly folks, the sour look on their three faces made me think they all had a reindeer up their butts. Their whole demeanour just screamed, "We hate you all and we don't want to be here!" Don't ask me what the problem is. It's always been that way. The rest of us have tried with them, have always been friendly and accepting, have even tried to get to the bottom of what is is that bothers them but to no avail. It was very hard. I have a photo of them that captures their whole attitude but I won't post it because 1. It upsets me; and 2. Because, despite everything, I still respect their privacy.

Anyhow......the rest of us enjoyed being together. It was feasting and fun and Christmas.

Now we're on the final leg of what has proved to be an extremely difficult year. I won't be sad to see it go. Not at all. I head into 2012 cautiously, knowing that it's a blank canvas and has a lot of potential, but also knowing that it's going to have a bit of a rough start with Georgia's spinal fusion scheduled for January 27 and then the best part of the year recovering.

I have no real resolutions for next year, just things I would like to achieve. The first being that I would like to make gifts for people next year. Birthday gifts will be hand made by me, as well as gifts to welcome new babies, thank you gifts and, (hopefully) Christmas gifts.

The second is that I want to be kind to myself next year.  I've spent the better part of my adult life (starting from the age of 19) putting myself last, making sure the needs and wants of others are taken care of first and then surviving on that which is left over. I've lived in perpetual hope that it will come back to me in some way, but it never has. Some people have developed an expectation that I will just "take care of it" and bounce back.

Sadly, I've reached the end of 2011 with nothing in the tank and nothing in reserve (kind of like my iron levels). It's time to fill my own emotional tank. I think that's part of why I am actually so emotional at this time of the year. I've given out and there's no one giving back.

I'd like to expand my social horizons this coming year.. I want to join some sort of interest/hobby group, where we are all there because we have something in common...and hopefully some friendships will develop. Part of me hopes I meet someone new....although there's another part of me that's been so battered and bruised by my experiences in a relationship that I find myself believing that no one would find me interesting, let alone want to get to know me or (dare I say it) love me. When you've spent your adult life being told that you're just "to much" or "too needy" by the person who is supposed to love you you begin to believe them...especially when you get to the end of that relationship and you look around and realise that the friends you once had are long gone.

Farewell 2011. I'm tired. I'm glad you won't be back. You took a lot out of me and away from me. I hope 2012 will be better.