Who was it?

Today is our 23rd wedding anniversary. We decided that our weekend away last week was our gift to each other so today has been pretty low key. Actually we attended a rally in the city called Access For Everybody, which was basically a peaceful rally that demonstrated the need for an injection of funds by the Minister for the Arts into the artistic sector for people with disabilities. There were a number of performers and speakers, including the Hon Peter Batchelor and the Bipolar Bears. It was a great turn out. Here's hoping Mr Batchelor commits to some serious money!

Anyone here in Melbourne should go and check them out at a venue near you!

Soooooo.....this isn't really what this blog is about.

I've been thinking a lot about something my friend Carly put in an email following she and her husbands experiences of being pregnant with a baby with a lethal genetic condition and their decision not to continue with the pregnancy. It was a really eloquent email, even though it was raw and heartfelt. I am honored to be one of the people she chose to share their experience with, even though it brought me pain, confusion and questions.

One of the things she and her husband have been dreading are the platitudes people tend to offer after such a sad event. Carly was saying that she doesn't want to hear, "It was God's will." In her email she simply said, "It wasn't God's will. It was genetics." Once upon a time I would have dared to disagree in my ignorance. Surely God would have had some will in there somewhere.

However, over the passage of time, God and I have come to some kind of understanding. Yes, I do believe in Him. I was raised in a Christian home so I was raised to believe. Over the years though, my understanding has changed a lot. A lot!  He is not who I was led to believe He is. He is not what I thought He was.

I think I was led to believe that he was the Great Sugar Daddy in the Sky. That's how I saw Him anyway. Need something, pray for it. Follow His Laws and things will go well for you. Believe and it will all be not only pie in the sky when you die but steak on your plate while you wait. (yes, I actually heard that from the pulpit once.)

But it's not like that. Not by a long shot.

I've come to believe that God Himself set in place the Laws of the Universe. He wrote them...and even though He wrote them and has the power to change them, He won't. He won't violate his own laws. So, I agree with Carly. It wasn't God, it was genetics. He just let natural law play out.

No, sometimes we don't like it. Sometimes the consequences of the natural outworking of these natural laws bring about pain and intense suffering...but it's the way of life and the way things happen. Too quickly we look for Someone or Something to blame. I know I did. I demanded to know why The Great Sugar Daddy didn't make it all good because I prayed.

But He's not the Great Sugar Daddy. If he was, we'd all just be these spoiled, inconsiderate, ignorant creatures pawing and mewling for everything we can get. We wouldn't learn from pain and struggle because they wouldn't exist. God Himself would be violating his own laws by running around making sure that all these little creatures He created were happy and healthy, pain free and getting everything we ever asked for. We'd learn nothing. We'd never grow and develop beyond infantile thinking.

I used to see God as The Great Sugar Daddy.He was supposed to fix everything. He was supposed to give my husband a job, give me healthy children, keep us financially stable, bless my family, my life and keep everyone safe. All I had to do was ask for it and believe for it. (as well as being faithful to Him and be a faithful, loving wife and mother.) But that didn't happen. None of it.. I didn't ask for much in the grand scheme of things, but none of it happened.

And I pouted and raged and threw tantrums.

I blamed God.

But it wasn't God.....not really.

It wasn't God, it was mental illness.
It wasn't God, genetics simply played out.
It wasn't God, but the consequence of unwise financial decisions.
It wasn't God but a combination of sexual addiction and mental illness.

Coming to this realisation and acceptance has been freeing. I've stopped looking for Someone to blame. I've stopped looking for the Great Sugar Daddy. I don't know how I view God. Sometimes I even question my belief in Him...but that's ok too. He's big enough to handle my doubt. Something keeps bringing me back to having a core faith. I'm yet to know the perametres of that faith, but I'm up for exploring. I realise that there's no one singular right way. I think there are elements of truth in all things. I'm more open to listening and am slow to judge. I don't pretend to know the "right" way. I refuse to accept everything I hear from the pulpit as pure gospel truth. I test it, weigh it, measure it. If it doesn't sit right, I shelve it.

No longer am I being told what to think. Instead, I am learning how to think. There's a big difference.

I like this place. It feels free.