A personal, public victory.

I'm a private person really.

(Says she who writes a blog)

OK, so let's define this properly. Maybe its not that I'm private as much as it being difficult to be out in public sometimes. Up until I launched into this running caper I did have an aversion to doing anything out in public that would draw any extra attention to myself.

It wasn't always that way. I never used to give it all much thought really. Of course I knew that staring, double takes and comments went on but I kind of just accepted it all as part and parcel of this whole gig and was pretty good at just getting on with it.

Then I had a really rough few years where a number of incidents dealt me with severe personal blows and I found that everything I ever felt about myself and everything I ever believed in came crashing down in one chaotic mess. My self esteem took an incredible blow and I became very unsure of myself and my place in the world.

In my traumatized state I felt very...on display. I can't describe the feeling any better than that. I felt like a fool, a joke, and that everyone out there had been laughing at me for years and I simply hadn't noticed. I wanted to be invisible so I could get on with the task of putting myself back together again, but I couldn't because this achondroplasia thing guaranteed that any form of trying to be invisible in public was not going to happen. As a result I stopped anything that would bring me too much attention - public speaking, performance, getting out on a dance floor, even bringing along a plate of food to share at a function would cause me incredible anxiety.

Then, somehow, I discovered running. At first I only did circuits of the reserve across the road from my house. Initially this was confronting for me as it was a public place, so I made sure that I went over there as early as possible so there wouldn't be many people. Running over there was my safe place. I was alone. I was OK. Eventually as summer came there would be more people out and about early...but by this time, running had started to reawaken my confidence. The early morning joggers and dog walkers started to become "my people" and I began to greet them with a cheery "Good morning!".

Leisa was coming back.

I entered my first Fun Run. This was a challenge because I knew I'd be running in the city with all those people! However there were enough people around for me to feel kind of safe in a sense. Only the people immediately around me would notice me...and I could deal with that. Doing my first Run for the Kids was my first big public challenge...and I survived it.

I still prefer running early and with as few people around as possible but if it doesn't happen it's no big deal. There are times when I won't run, like when there's a crowd over at the reserve watching the local  junior football and cricket teams - I avoid that kind of attention - but for the most part I'll get out there whenever I can fit a run in.

Last night I reflected upon all this as I changed into my running gear after work and took a run around Albert Park Lake in the city. Here I was, at 4:30pm at the beginning of peak hour traffic, running around one of the more public tracks in Melbourne where the actual track runs parallel to some of the busiest roads. How far I have come! It's a given that I would have been noticed by other commuters. Heck! I even notice the runners as I drive past the lake. Once I even noticed another short statured runner! But the joy of running vastly outweighs any self consciousness I feel. When I finished the 5k circuit I felt triumphant - not just because I'd finished the run with my best time yet, but because I felt I'd had such a personal victory...and it was achieved in public...where it possibly had the most impact for me.